Undercover Freaks Vol. 01: Size Queen

"She tossed the tip jar to the bodyguard and hit him across the nose with some sort of short staff." I heard a brief explanation before a yellow jacket obscured my vision.

"Yeah, I'm scared, really scared and you need to take care of this shit; it's your fault, anyways." C-List Chrystal was talking on her phone still cradled against the purple haired female booster holding her. I figured this incident occurred at the same time those awesome twins appeared onstage.

"NOTHING TO SEE HERE, MOVE ON!!" I was roughly shoved by a uniformed cop who kept aggressively approaching until I was too far to hear anything else. As far as C-List Chrystal was concerned; I was glad she'd received some sort of karmic payback for being a heinous bitch earlier at her autograph session.

"Ouch." Something was stuck in the bottom of my sneaker.

I hobbled in-between two booths plucking it from my sole. It was a slight shard of bamboo. I tossed the shard into a wastebasket glancing back down the aisle finding it cleared of people other than some lingering convention goers. It seemed like the crowd was thinning out as I watched some cops conversing. It was getting late as I shuffled up towards the entrance turning into an area of booths solely dedicated to the sale of sex toys. Some middle aged woman in bondage gear was demonstrating a sex swing for a group of customers. Across the aisle was some company pushing these lifelike sex mannequins. This booth seemed popular with a public barker, wireless headset, and all.

"Hey kid, come on over and see the future!" He called out to me as I was walking past.

"I don't think so."

"Come on kid; you don't know what you're missing out on, over here!!" He had a deep, east coast accent. His stock were on these hangers, but it gave me a creepy feeling seeing the realistic dolls along with guys shopping there like a grocery store.

"I'm good with the ladies, don't need a doll." Some of the potential customers shot me a look.

"Alright, I'll take that bet; check it out." He tossed a small flesh colored ball to me.

"What's this?"

"Squeeze and roll it in the palm of your hand, kid." The other present convention goers were watching with knowing vested interest.

I shrugged doing as he asked, meeting the challenge rolling and squeezing that ball in my palm. It started to heat up with this soothing sort of warmth in moments. Some of the other potential customers were giggling at my discovery, already in the know. A pulsing sort of warmth was emanating from the small, fleshy ball as I glanced up at the salesman.

"What is this; what's it made of?"

"Well, not so ancient Chinese secret; seriously kid, it's a trade secret but all of our girls here are made of this stuff."

"Wow."

"Keep that ball, it has our contact information on it if you change your mind."

"Uh sure, thanks." I glanced across the aisle finding a booth selling a ridiculous assortment of dildos being sold.

Comically, there was a large crowd of women perusing the assorted products. My eyes settled on some chick's butt clad in glittery blue lame' booty shorts. It was a modest, flat looking butt with a bit of cheek peeking out. I inched closer curious because she was partially hidden by this huge, morbidly obese granny favoring an absolutely huge pink dildo. Whoever she was, her feet were bare revealing a middle toe ring.

"It's got a squishy core which allows a bit of flexibility going in, but once it's inserted, you'll feel all of it, guaranteed." I realized mature woman who reminded me of a perverted Mrs. Claus, was a saleswoman.

"No, we're looking for something more solid, but I like that you can table mount it."

"Speak for yourself, girlfriend; a little give can't hurt when it's going in your butt."

The saleswoman snickered at the falsetto sounding voice of the owner of those booty shorts while the hair stood up on the back of my neck.

"Shut the fuck up, Lan." My eyes became wide as saucers as I recognized the second voice, implicitly.

I peered between another woman and the sales rep finding a face so familiar that it was shocking. One of my coworkers was standing there in this soft yellow hoodie, jeans, and a pair of pink Chuck Taylor sneakers. She actually sat two seats over in my section at work and was beloved in the office.

This Filipina twenty something was known as the epitome of the American sweetheart, the literal personification of conservative, wholesome values. She was also sickeningly cute as a button already in a stable relationship with a young lawyer who matched her in looks. The guy was her male equivalent.

"The beard talks." My head craned over across the huge, floppy melon breasts of the sales woman finding a guy as the owner of the butt I'd been looking at. My mouth dropped even further than it already was realizing I was looking at the boyfriend.

"You wanna walk home, bitch?" She sounded deadly serious; brow furrowed in icy indignation.

I glanced downward finding her in possession of two bags stuffed full of dildos, butt plugs and assorted sex toys. Those two bags were grocery store big, held against her hip in her tiny fist as she rested her weight on one leg, hands on her hips. My innocent little, coworker and her "boyfriend" were shopping.

"Jen-Jenny Delacruz?" I just blurted it out without thinking drawing her attention.

She heard me that second slowly looking over at me between other customers, almost robotically. Her eyes widened, mouth starting to hang over.

"Shit."

"Jenny?" One of the women shifted allowing me to step up closer.

"SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!" Jenny broke out, scurrying off quickly getting lost in the dense crowd. Her boyfriend Lan suddenly appeared in my field of vision as I stared after her.

"And you are?"

This was crazy and weird because I'd met the guy at a company sponsored barbeque. Everybody was fawning all over them citing they were so cute, they deserved plushies made in their likenesses. Now, I was looking at this guy wearing glittery smokey mascara, blush, and lipstick with extra greasy kid stuff in his slicked back hair. Crazy to admit, but he could pass as a female in some arenas.

"Uh Derrick; we met at the company barbecue last year; yeah, I saw you at the Christmas party with Jenny, too."

This guy was wearing one of those awkward styles, off the shoulder t-shirts with a giant rainbow hued pair of lips on the chest. I noticed a thin, light blue bra-strap on the bare shoulder as he leaned in lightly touching my bicep.

"OOOOOOHHHHH YES!! YEAH, I DO RECALL MAKING YOUR ACQUAINTANCE, DERRICK!!" I nearly laughed in his face because he sounded just like George Takei from that old Star Trek show. I wondered if all gay Asian dudes talked like that or something. He was holding a dildo in his hand that was long as my forearm.

"Uhm, having a good time?" I felt like I had to make small talk.

"Absolutely, really got a good haul this trip and I'm pricing out one of those bedroom swing sets, too."

"You don't say, Lan?"

"Oh I like to keep things interesting; and how about you?"

"Huh?"

"Interesting, are you-interested?" It took me a few second to get his meaning.

"UH-OHHHH, uhm no, I'm a traditional type of guy. Just the ladies for me, uhm sorry." I didn't want to offend him, it really wasn't a big deal about his orientation, only that Jenny was fronting at work. Appropriately, Hold Your Color by Pendulum was playing over the P.A. System.

"Unfortunate, but I'm not one to press upon you the importance of expanding your boundaries, Derrick. You'd be surprised how good things feel with the lights out, baby." I wasn't a babe in the woods by any means picking up on the sly, backhanded offer. In the old days, I would have leveled him with a sucker punch for such an offense.

"I'll have to take your word for it, man." I smiled doing my best to look inoffensive. Lan had both arms folded across his chest tapping that huge dildo against the bottom of his chin.

"Well, you certainly are well mannered Derrick; we should have dinner some time with Jenny and uh, talk some more." This guy wasn't giving up.

"Sure." That wasn't happening.

"Now where has that little slit gotten off to; it looks like I might have to hitch a ride with you, Derrick." He raised an eyebrow and my blood pressure simultaneously. I was going to have to make myself clear about being straight when I heard a ringtone coming from his chest. Lan kept his phone in his bra, plucking it out in front of me as I looked away.

"LAN SAAN ANG FUCK KAYO?!! IKAW AY HINDI AY KILALA SA AKING PAGPAPAKITA NG COWORKER!!" I was close enough to hear Jenny's voice. Lan had his phone on speaker holding it upright in limp wristed fashion just under his nose.

"IKAW LANG AY GUSTO NG BABAE NA AKO AY BABAE NA MAGPAPILI SA PAGKATAPOS SA GUSTO KO!! GUSTO AKO NG ILANG BLACK COCK AT SIYA SI CUTE JENNY!!" I understood two words of what he said and knew I had to extricate myself from the situation.

"IKAW AY GUMAWA NG IYONG ASS OVER DITO SA KONSEPTO NG KONVENTION!! GUSTO KO NA ANG IYONG PAGPAPAKITA SA ASS DITO, KAYO RAGING QUEEN!!" Jenny sounded hot.

"You know, that's why I hate going out places with you; you're so dour, bitch." He clicked up glancing over at me with a sly smile. I'd already taken two steps back, ready to nope out while he was in conversation.

"Hey, I came with other people." I made the safest excuse I could think of at that moment.

"Sounds like fun."

Lan dropped the huge dildo into his own, fully stuffed shopping bag switching off into the crowd. I was relieved that things ended abruptly so that I didn't have to become aggressive. The saleswoman was motioning me over to her booth, but I declined with a shrug going off to enjoy the rest of the convention.

I stayed another thirty minutes, leaving right before eleven.

***********

After a decidedly chaotic start to the weekend, the following day was uneventful as I completed some chores around my place, watched a few games and paid a few nagging bills. I was so trashed from the convention that I spent the rest of the weekend napping and lazing about, slipping in a movie with a friend before routine brought everything screaming back to me in extreme clarity. I noticed the swag bag sitting behind my front door where I'd dropped it the night after the porn convention.

I palmed that ball of silicone given to me remembering my coworker Jenny Delacruz and her way out of the closet boyfriend, Lan. I decided to take the ball with me to work to moonlight as stress relief, already chuckling at the memory of Jenny running off into the crowd. She'd been exposed as some sort of closet freak.

I usually got to work early because the commute and subsequent jockeying for parking space was somewhat of a hassle. That ball's inherent heating ability still had me in wonderment as I entered the building rolling it between my fingers.

I checked my messages finding a text from Gerald asking about the convention. He was livid at missing out on all the crazy action, but I forwarded him some pics and video including his favorite starlet, C-List Chrystal, and the Mei Twins who'd all but shut the place down. He was also heartened to find that I'd scored the sex tape for him as well, pledging his first born to me although the kid was a high school freshman. Gerald was sleeping on the couch for the foreseeable future whenever he wasn't handcuffed to his wife.

I kind of wished Gerald worked with me at my current place of employment because I needed someone to talk to on breaks and lunch. Everyone at the job was either barely out of high school or horrifically cliqued up in these stilted social groups that really didn't make room for any newbies. I was just outside of newbie status but functioned as a basic lone wolf on the clock.

I didn't mesh well with the other guys there who were fifty percent married or unabashed horndogs that gave me pause in today's work environment filled with sexual harassment landmines. Things had gotten so weird around the office the genders were almost voluntarily separating in public areas of the building.

I scored a bottle of orange juice from the vending machine before trudging into the main office to my work aisle which was made up of ten work stations separated in little partitions that allowed a minimum of movement outside of tapping away at the installed laptops we used for our jobs. Two people were already hard at work as I noticed Jenny's empty workstation.

Our spots were assigned, and we were allowed a modicum of personalization to make us "feel at home" by management. The thing that caught my immediate attention was a framed 5 x 7 of the happy couple all hugged up. Both were dressed professionally with Lan completely closeted visually in a nice black suit while Jenny sported her own business suit with skirt. Both were giving their best million dollar smiles in the photo, obviously faking it.

I focused on Lan's face noticing that the two of them were equally adorable, almost looking like siblings instead of a couple. I involuntarily juxtaposed the image with Lan's true self finding it humorous. I wondered what everyone in the office would think if they knew the truth, but I wasn't a snitch.

The guy was flaming pink and he would've had no qualms about well, anyone running up in him. There was no doubt he was what you'd call a bottom. I snickered at the thought and his convention wardrobe, remembering how I'd mistaken him for a female which led to me discovering Jenny's secret life. I giggled a bit more remembering the sheer amount of dildos and sex toys the happy couple purchased.

"Good Morning, Derrick." One of my coworkers squeezed by setting up adjacent to Jenny's workstation.

"Yeah, good morning." I stifled my mirth at the photo turning towards the opposite side of the aisle and my workstation.

"OH, uhm...yeah." Halfway down the hall, Jenny Delacruz was standing there staring intensely at me. Our office was casualwear, so she was dressed in a collared t-shirt, dickies, and her chucks. Jenny was still wearing the same yellow hoodie from the convention as I bit my lower lip taking my seat.

She looked visibly distressed with a hand pressed against her chest watching me from a distance. Jenny was kind of hunched over, looking as it she would hurl as more of our coworkers started filtering into their seats. The shit kind of made me feel like I was radioactive or something as I started to worry the incident would be used to sully my good name in some fashion. I scoffed logging into my laptop already thinking of a defense should H.R. call on me. Most people usually defeated themselves whenever they were called to the carpet becoming easy pickings for management in situations like this.

"HEY JENNY!!" An executive from the front office appeared in her office doorway in the corridor.

"Good morning, Monica."

"Hey, how was your weekend with Lan; you guys heat things up?" The middle aged, frosted blonde had no idea how heated up things were, for Lan. Jenny had a stick up wedged up her butt that would have to be removed after she kicked the bucket.

"Oh, well a girl never tells, Monica." Jenny bullshitted.

"Yeah, you guys were getting it in, huh Jenny?" I pushed my fist against my mouth barely stifling a snicker as Jenny shot me a look from the corridor. She looked like she wanted to bum rush me at my station.

"Hey girl, you okay; you look a little flushed?" Monica asked.

"I'm okay, just a little hot." Jenny half smiled, still uncomfortable as she eyed me.

"Not as hot as Lan; how do you keep all the other girls away from him, Jenny? Must be hard with a cute, hunky guy like that, huh?"

I leaned over away from the conversation cupping a hand over my mouth half stifling a guffaw. Some people noticed; I offered an apologetic shrug of my shoulders noticing the photo on Jenny's desk again.

"Uhm, excuse me." I slid out of my desk instantly regretting it because it meant walking by Jenny and the executive. She was visibly gritting her teeth making me wonder if she were going to punch me when I tried to pass.

"Morning-ladies." I offered, squeezing by both.

"Morning." Jenny replied failing to control the anger in her voice. Monica was oblivious, completely ignoring my greeting. I guess it was her right of upper level management.

The moment I hit the bathroom I lost it laughing hard as tears rolled down my cheeks. The desk photo and expression on Jenny's face broke my civilized resolve. It was like I was sitting in a standup club as I had several belly laughs from the memory of Jenny's "hunky boyfriend" who was all but begging me to hit the backdoor. Truthfully, I didn't have an issue with Lan, but she was so comically uptight, I couldn't hold it in any longer.

Somehow, I managed to get back to my desk finding Jenny already hard at work. She shot me a threatening glare as I logged back into work. Later at lunch break, I was sitting in the cafeteria watching videos on my phone when I noticed her peering at me through the window in the door. Honestly, it was somewhat creepy because the expression hadn't changed on her face. We exchanged glances from across the cafeteria for a few seconds before one of her Asian friends showed up.

"Hoy Jenny, lalabas ka ba sa tanghalian kasama namin? Pupunta kami sa hotel ng buffet sa tabi ng pintuan." I didn't have a clue what they were talking about.

"Oo, sa palagay ko, wala namang masarap kainin dito." Jenny answered casually. Both girls disappeared from the cafeteria entrance.

"Guess she must be the man." Moments later I was giggling again.

I managed the rest of my day still sporadically triggered by memories of my meeting with Jenny and Lan, occasionally snickering, but otherwise completing my day normally. I made it a point to keep my eyes averted from Jenny's workstation. It was a necessity otherwise I would burst into laughter at my prim and proper coworker.

My thoughts drifted to the other strange occurrences that happened at the convention as I thought of the booster who'd given me copies of C-List Chrystal's sex tape. I completely forgot to watch it making a resolve to do so when I get back to my place, later. Jenny's desk was vacant when I got up for my last break.

"Hey." I found her waiting for me just inside the double doors of the vacant cafeteria. She was standing directly in front of me almost blocking my way.

"Oh yeah, uh hey." I unintentionally stammered.

"Can we talk?" I noticed she was nervously wringing her hands, dreading what she wanted to speak about.

"Uhm, I'm taking my last break."

"Well, uhm sorry, then." Jenny half ran from the breakroom, bumping me in the process.

I felt kind of bad about the level of anxiety she was probably feeling but didn't want the drama. I was nervous myself, hoping things would settle back to normal in a few days when Jenny realized I hadn't told anyone around the office. She was back at her desk meticulously tapping away at her laptop, but the couples photo of her and Lan was conspicuously absent. I finished up the rest of my day feeling sorry for laughing at her for most of it.

I noticed her hovering near the timeclock with some friends as I clocked out. There was still a bad taste in my mouth as I felt like some kind of villain for unintentionally torturing her all day. I tooled down to the parking garage exit waiting in a vehicle caravan to use my parking pass to exit. I hated rush hour looking at a forty minute commute home.

"Hey Derrick." I got whiplash looking to my immediate left finding Jenny standing on the concrete island containing the parking attendant's shack.

"Yeah?"

"Can I bum a ride; just down the street a bit?" She looked shaky which gave me pause.

"I don't know, I'm going straight to the freeway, Jenny."