Unforeseen

"Why should I be happy for her? She's just trying to wreck you again."

"I doubt it. But it doesn't matter."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not seeing her. And I have no intention of doing so. She gave me her number, but maybe you should have it."

I took the receipt that Charly had written out of my pocket on and threw it at Mary's feet.

"Why?"

"So you can call her and tell her to stay away from me. Or whatever might make you feel better, so you don't act so fucking crazy."

"Crazy? I'm not... Look, I want to believe you, ok? But I saw her touch you and you were so friendly with her? And when you hugged I had to leave before I started crying..."

"She's a hugger. You know that. Besides, if you saw that, you must have noticed how surprised I looked. What the fuck has gotten into you? Do you really think so little of me? Do you really believe that I would just jump into bed with a pretty girl when I have you at home? I love you, you fucking idiot. I think the last time I lied to you I was in sixth grade!"

I was shouting now. This was ridiculous, and I was tired, and I really didn't need this shit. Every part of me was devoted to Mary. She wasn't just who I loved, but also the focus of much of my fantasy life now. I was so angry that she would even question me.

Mary's eyes were wide now, and she'd shrunk into herself. She wasn't afraid of me, but I think the truth had begun to dawn on her a bit. She was silent.

"You know what? Make your own fucking dinner. I'm tired, and I'm going to take a nap."

I was telling the truth. I was suddenly completely exhausted, all energy drained from me. Mary was the one bright spot every day. Seeing her this summer had been a fantastic blessing. I was lucky, and I knew it. But right that moment I didn't have any patience left for her.

I went to my room, closed the door and lay down. I was asleep in moments.

* * *

When I woke up the light was fading. I had to have been out for at least three or four hours. I realized that there was a light rapping at my door. It opened slightly, and Mary looked in.

"Mom came and left for her meeting. I made dinner if you want any. Can I come in?"

She spoke quietly and with hesitation. I was still unfocused with sleep, but I was no longer angry, just sad.

"Yeah. If you want."

She sat on my bed, just as she had those years ago. She looked away from me.

"I'm sorry. For all of it. I was wrong."

I sighed. There was no world in which I wouldn't forgive Mary almost anything. That didn't mean that I wasn't upset though.

"You're already forgiven. But I don't understand why you'd even worry about me doing that. I've never been that guy. You know that."

"I do, but...it isn't really about you. It's my baggage. I've always been afraid of losing you. Even when I didn't love you...like this."

"Why? I mean, I get fear of loss. I've been afraid that you'd leave me behind once you went to college or maybe you'd meet someone who's, well, better than me. But that doesn't mean I'm going to accuse you of cheating if I see you chatting to someone attractive."

"Charly is more than that, TK. She's your ex. And I know she was your first. I hate that she was your first. You see? It's been this way since I kissed you all those years ago. I know it isn't healthy, but I get so...so afraid when I think about you with someone else. I get sad, and then I get angry, and I don't think anymore."

"That's not an excuse, Mary. It's fucked up. I trust you with my life. I'm not saying you need to do the same, but at least trust that I'm not going to break your heart or run off with someone else."

"You're right. It's not an excuse. It's something that I...I have to deal with. I will, ok? Maybe I'll talk to someone. It's funny you mentioned being afraid that I'd leave you behind. I'd never have thought that. That's really what I'm afraid of, you know. You leaving me behind and...just moving on. Becoming someone embarrassed of me. Someone that I only see once or twice a year on holidays."

The idea of leaving her behind upset me to a degree that I wouldn't have expected. Maybe because I never really thought of doing it. I sat up, scooted over next to her, and put my arm around her.

"Why would you think I would do that? I mean, I'm the one who can go to college anywhere or work anywhere. You want to work in neuroscience. You're going to go where your career takes you, and I was going to follow you."

"I know. We've talked about it, and you said you would. I've always had you, but...I also had a dad too."

"He was a decent guy, but he was always distant."

"No. I mean, yes, you're right. But he wasn't always distant. It wasn't until mom, and he really started fighting that he withdrew from us. I guess I should be grateful. I can remember how he used to tuck us in and read to us. You were too young."

"I...never knew about that."

"I know. I guess I never brought it up because I didn't want to make you feel bad. But he loved us, and cared about us, and then one day it was like he was a ghost. Even before he left mom. You love me and care about me, but..."

"You think I'm going to just take off, like dad?"

"Rationally? No. But deep inside, I have this fear, and it won't go away. I sometimes worry that I...fuck. Never mind."

"No, it's fine. We're talking, let it out, even if it hurts me a little."

"It isn't hurtful. It's embarrassing. I sometimes worry that the fear drove me to seduce you, more than the love that I feel for you. I do love you, but what if...what if I pushed you to this? What if, without intending to, Igroomed you for it? Don't forget that I was the one who kissed you both times. And then I sucked your cock. If I hadn't done that, would we even be together? And would you be happier if you were with someone who you could be in public with?"

"That's fucked up. I would never just ditch you for someone that society says is 'appropriate' or because we have some unusual difficulties in our relationship..."

"I know that. Even with the fear, I know that. But what if you would be happier..."

"That's enough," I said, feeling my own fear at this line of thought, "I love you, and I'm happy with you. I hope you're happy with me."

She smiled and touched my face gently.

"I am. I really am."

"Good."

I leaned in and kissed her. We made love that night, slowly and longingly. There was something different about it, but I didn't know what. I was just grateful that the fight was over.

I guess that's why she caught me by surprise.

* * *

It was about a week later that my life kind of fell apart. Mary's internship had wrapped up. I hadn't seen much of her because she'd been busy preparing for the next year of school. I was doing the same thing, although college wouldn't start for me for another two weeks. She was distant, though, and hadn't been around in the evenings as much. She'd been hanging out with old friends, so I wasn't worried. I should have been.

I got home that evening late. I'd taken Chelsea back-to-school shopping and then gone and bought my books and dropped off a check for tuition. I was looking forward to spending the next two nights at home with Mary before she left. I didn't even get one.

As I pulled in to the driveway, I could see that Mary was just wrapping up loading the car. When I got out, she ignored me and went back inside, grabbed a backpack and then came out, tossing it in the back seat and then closing the door. She leaned back against it, looked at me, and sighed. I knew something was wrong, but I guess I was just dense.

"What's going on? Did something happen."

"Nothing happened. I'm going back tonight."

"Why? I thought we were..."

I let the words trail off. I felt something open in my stomach, and I desperately tried to hold it back. I didn't want to look weak in front of her, not then. I don't know why that was so important.

"I don't think I can do this anymore."

"Do what?"

"You know what."

"Maybe I do, but I need to hear you say it."

She sighed, it was deep and full of hurt and sadness, and I wanted to hold her. But I knew that she wouldn't let me.

"We can't be together anymore. I've been thinking about it...and it's just not healthy."

"For you?"

"For you."

"Bullshit."

"I knew you'd argue, that's why I left a note..."

"Fuck. You were just going to leave anote? After this summer? After this whole year, you were going to leave without saying goodbye?"

She was in control, but the tears flowed freely from her eyes now.

"Is this really better? So we can hate each other face to face? This is hard enough, but it's the right thing for you. I'm sure of it."

"Fuck! What is wrong with you? I don't hate you. I don't want to hate you. Where do you get off deciding what's right for me? I know what's right.You're right for me!"

It didn't even occur to me that shouting at my sister in the driveway about her breaking off our incestuous relationship might be a bad idea. Luckily, the street was quiet.

"No. No, I'm not. My freakout about you and Charly sitting together made me see it. You're right, I know you'd never abandon me. But don't you see? That was...ok. It's all right to see you're ex and talk to her. It's even all right if...if you want to get back together with her. It's not all right for your possessive and damaged older sister to keep you to herself, and to pretend that you chose this of your own free will."

"But I don't want her. I want you."

"I know. For now. But you'll get over me. I really...I really do love you, TK. I know how it sounds, right now, but it's true. I think that you'll understand. If not now, one day."

I stood there, jaw agape, realizing that Mary, the love of my life, was abandoning me. She was leaving me.

"You can't really believe that. Is there someone else? Are you tired of me? Am I just not good enough?"

"No. But if it helps you to let go, believe what you need to. I've got to go."

She looked like she was going to step forward and hug me. I tensed up, and she caught herself. She bit her lip uncertainly, then without another word got in her car. Part of me wanted to freak out, to kick her door. To scream at her to stop and think. But it was clear to me that she'd already done her thinking, and this was what she thought was best. She stopped at the foot of the drive, looked at me one last time, with real longing, and then drove away.

Outside, some birds were still singing, and crickets were chirping. The light dimmed into a cool, comfortable twilight. Everything went on, just like it should. Inside, I felt the last bit of certain ground fall out from underneath me.

I was, at last, really and truly alone. She'd left me.

I went inside, went upstairs and found the note that she'd slipped underneath my door. She'd attached the receipt with Charly's number on it with a paperclip.

TK,

I'm sorry for all of it. I'm sorry for starting this, for luring you into it, and for carrying this on with you when I knew that it was wrong. It's what I wanted, and I made you want it too.

I think you might hate me for this. Please just remember that I'm doing it because it's the right thing to do. I hope that one day you can forgive me both for this and for seducing you in the first place.

I look forward to the day when we can be together again as siblings.

I love you, forever and always,

Mary

The letter tore me up inside. The right thing? The right thing was to break my heart and leave me behind? I couldn't understand it. I wouldn't let myself. It was just too much.

I don't know how to describe the rest of that night. I did things. I made dinner for mom because I knew she had meetings and would get home late and go out early again the next day. I even called Chelsea and made sure I had her schedule so I could get her to school on time, as hers started in a few days. I know I did these things, but I don't remember doing them, exactly. It was like I was standing outside myself and watching an automaton perform these tasks.

The next few weeks were like that, in fact. If I had to describe it in a word, it was gray. There was nothing, no distraction, no conversation with friends or Chelsea that brought any relief. I considered things that I never had even thought about before. I should be grateful, I suppose, for all the busywork that I had before my own first semester of college starting. If not for that, I would probably have just sat at home and slept.

The first days of college forced me to focus a bit. Some of the classes that I had signed up for were interesting, and one was far more difficult than I had anticipated. I later learned that it was a "weed out" course for the Comp Sci program, designed to scare incoming students into taking the whole thing seriously and prepare them for more disciplined thinking. I barely managed it, to be honest.

I did my work at the college's extensive library to avoid having to go home. I ate and spent downtime in the student center or outside if it was nice. I didn't particularly enjoy it, but I couldn't stand being home. Mom was attending fewer meetings, which gave her more time to help with Chelsea and Rebecca, but also made her more attentive to me. She knew something was wrong and was trying to wheedle it out of me. I wasn't in danger of saying anything, but trying to keep my guard up constantly was draining. I was going to snap at her soon, and I didn't want to. She was, for once, doing her best.

So it went. I did what was required of me, helped out my family when I could, but otherwise was human driftwood, going where the current took me. I found myself surfing mindlessly when I got the first email from Mary:

TK,

I hope you're doing well. It's been hard not having you to talk to and confide in. If you want, please reply and tell me how your first few weeks of college have been. If this is too soon, I understand.

Love Always,

Mary

My reply was brief:

It's always going to be too soon. Please don't contact me.

I hit send. After thinking about it for a moment, I blocked her email, then on facebook. I deleted her from my phone. It felt a little good to do this, in a petty and vindictive kind of way. At that moment I decided that she couldn't have her cake and eat it too. If she wanted to be rid of me, then she would be. No more conversations or shared jokes. No more discussions about how Chelsea was doing. No more gentle hugs or soft kisses. No more hard fucking followed by loving embraces and what turned out to be sweetly spoken lies. No more anything.

Do I sound angry? Bitter? I was, and beyond anything, I'd felt before. I was adrift, and any maturity or kindness felt alien to me. I wanted to be petty and cruel to the world in general and Mary, specifically. I wanted to give up. So I did, at least a little.

I continued going to class. I did my work correctly and was able to focus again. I kept up with other responsibilities. I spent time with Chelsea, was a good big brother. I got a job doing freelance coding for a mobile game company. I didn't make a lot, but I had savings enough that I could start looking for my own place. I couldn't live in that fucking house anymore. I spent time with friends, at least once a week, I even enjoyed some of it. Most people thought that I was doing fine, and that was ok with me. I didn't want concern, or healing, or love. I wanted to be left alone.

Life went on. It wasn't good, but it went on.

I tried dating, but it was a disaster. I met someone who found me attractive, which should be great. But when you feel bitter about romance, and start to see someone, they might start to see you as important, when in your mind you're just killing time. It wasn't right or fair to her, so I ended everything early. There were tears, but not so many as maybe there would have been had we slept together.

I don't like to admit it, but there was a sick and angry part of me that wanted to fuck her. Not just because it felt good, but because I could have told her that she meant nothing to me afterward, and make her feel like I did all the time. Amy was a good person who had been through a lot and deserved someone who would love her back, so I think I made the right choice.

I was expecting mom to try and talk to me before I moved out, but it was Chelsea who called me out. It caught me by surprise. We were sitting on the couch playing the new Smash Brothers and had just unlocked Inkling. I was about to high five her for beating them so quickly when she sprung it on me.

"Why are you mad at Mary?"

I briefly considered telling her a lie, which I already knew was a bad idea. She was smart enough to know that something was wrong. I decided to figure out how much she knew so I could tell her just enough to leave me alone.

"Why do you think that?"

She sighed and rolled her eyes in that dramatic teenaged way.

"It's super-obvious."

"All right then, since you're smart you probably don't need me to tell you anything else."

I'd hoped my smart ass reply would stop her, but I should have known that it wouldn't.

"Ugh. Look. Mary keeps asking about you, and it's weird. Its all stuff *you* should be telling her."

"Maybe she just didn't ask me."

"Yeah, I guess. Or maybe you aren't talking to her. She asked me how your classes were going, and if you were dating, and how you were doing."

"What did you tell her?"

"That your classes were going well, that you dated a girl like twice and then dumped her, and that you were acting really weird."

"First of all, how do you know about my dating life?"

She shrugged.

"I pay attention. You seemed kind of excited when you were chatting with her at first, but then you got...I dunno. Sad? I overheard you talking to your friend about breaking it off with her. He was as confused as I was."

I sighed.

"You're too goddamned smart."

She laughed at my swearing. I tried not to do it a lot around her, so it was a novelty.

"I just pay attention."

"Why do you think I'm acting weird."

Chelsea's face turned serious, and I felt terrible. It was clear that she'd been worrying about me.

"Sometimes you seem normal and jokey. But then it's like a switch flips, and you get quiet. Your eyes get dark and sad, and maybe even angry. I always wonder if its something I said. But I think it happens every time I bring up Mary."

She was way too goddamned smart.

I sighed again, louder.

"All right. No sense denying it."

"Well...why don't you just...stop?"

"Stop what?"

"Being mad at her."

"It's not that simple."

"Why not? I'm not...like I'm not trying to be mean, ok? I just...I've made you mad before. And I was even bratty about it, and wouldn't apologize sometimes. But you've always forgiven me..."

I looked at Chelsea, seeing the confusion and concern in her eyes. I tried to remember when things were simpler.

"I'm not strong enough to move on from this. I've tried. I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to be worried about me."

"Are you really saying that you don't think you'll ever forgive her? Don't you love her?"

"Yes," I answered without hesitation, "I do love her. It isn't enough. Nothing is."

We were quiet for a while, Chelsea clearly deep in thought and me just trying not to think. I'd pondered this enough over the months since summer ended.

"I'm sorry," she said, finally.

"For what?"

"For bringing it up. I can see how much it hurts you to talk about it. I won't push, but I'll listen if you need me to."

I gave her a side hug.

"You don't need to apologize. You're a good sister. To both of us. Thank you for trying."

The rest of the evening passed, but I could tell that Chelsea was more worried than before she spoke to me. She was bright but had been sheltered, thankfully. She had expected me to reassure her, and tell her that soon things would be OK, but I couldn't. I couldn't believe such lies, so how could I convey them to her? I hoped that the truth I told wasn't too much of a burden and that she wasn't quite adult enough yet to figure out the context.