Unity and Destiny Pt. 01

Nicola could feel more than this, Esther knew, and it was a joy to even feel a shadow of it. Like one of her old sensory orgasms, the sort she rarely had anymore. Not a true response of her physical body but rather something beautiful blossoming in her mind. Did Nicola feel it as well? The other woman's body was trembling slightly, and it was more than that. There was a deep satisfaction, tipping into excitement and a familiar cascade of nerves ...

Esther carefully pulled herself loose from Nicola.

"Whoa," Nicola said, smiling. "Did you do that? That felt wonderful. What did you sense?"

Esther described it all carefully, and Nicola nodded. "Yes, that's about right. And I did sense further down than that. Atomic vibrations, all the way to that fuzzy layer of quantum uncertainty. It felt amazing, even more than usual. Maybe it was sharing it with someone. I don't think it worked as well last time we tried, did it?"

"No," Esther agreed. "I'm getting better at doing this, I think. But it's always been easiest with you."

"Could we do it again?"

Probably Esther was misjudging the situation. Nicola was probably excited because she was so stuck in her abilities. Esther just needed to get her own head on straight.

"Maybe later. It did feel good to share. Thank you. Give me some time and maybe I'll have ideas about what else you could try. "

Nicola nodded happily enough and closed her eyes again, setting her hands on the table. Esther walked back to her cabin, feeling unsettled.

She'd enjoyed that a lot more than she'd let on to Nicola. She was embarrassed to realize that in its own way, it had felt as good as last night's sex with Javier. Maybe better, because she hadn't been struggling with the constant worry. It had been perfectly easy to continue the Watch while she held Nicola. Easier than usual, really. She didn't know what that meant.

Esther sat in a chair and picked up one of the sculptures Abuela left around the cabin. Twisted root, worked by strength and persistence into these patterns, they were the most living reminder Esther had of the old woman. There were still clues and lessons hiding within their shapes, but she had to be in the right frame of mind to feel them.

There was something here, something maddeningly familiar. Like a fragment of a dream. Strangely erotic, and yet tinged with something alien. Was this a piece of a fantasy of Abuela's? She quickly set the sculpture aside.

She'd had two orgasms last night. Two reasonably satisfying orgasms, which was two more than she'd lately become accustomed to.

But her body wanted so much more. It was a brief taste of what she'd lost somewhere. She didn't know how to find her way back, but maybe she'd already taken the first few steps. This was the place she needed to be, and now she probably just needed some time.

Esther closed her eyes and began a meditation. The Watch expanded into a partial version of Abuela's map, and she let her awareness drift around without pushing. A leaf, sensitive to the lightest currents. Nicola had moved back to her sleeping cabin, and vaguely Esther understood her friend was starting to masturbate. She was pleased how little the knowledge distracted her. Out in the woods, Mark was pushing hard on Javier's endurance, but it was just what Javier had wanted, and he was grinning even as his breath came in exhausted heaves.

Everyone she Watched was fine. And there were others, ones who flitted at the edge of her attention. Mei Li in Redding, and Jeffrey in Oakland. Neither of them had told her what kinds of unusual skills they had, and it had seemed rude to ask. But she didn't think either had the sensitivity of Nicola, or Mark.

The woman in Los Angeles, on the other hand—Esther reached, and finally she found her, pacing back and forth, slapping a wall and muttering to herself. Esther hoped she chose to visit, even if it disrupted everything.

Esther listened and floated, and she felt as sharp as she had in a while. But she didn't sense what she'd hoped. She was stuck in her modified version of Abuela's map. It was a profound simplification from what she called the otherspace, that roiling zoo of geometry and unseen connections. She had to find her way back there in a controllable fashion. That was where her true insights came from, and Esther felt the loss like an ache deep within her body. Even her mathematical insights had been fading since she lost touch with it.

Esther would find a way to return there without having to throw away her Watch. She had to. It would just take time.

* * *

"Hey," Nicola said. "Everything all right?"

Esther started, looking back at Nicola. She'd lost a little time somehow, and she started to panic. But the Watch was fine. She was just tired. She was sitting across from Nicola, on her old bed in the sleeping cabin. They'd been talking about Nicola's abilities.

"Yeah," Esther said. "Haven't been sleeping too well."

Nicola laughed. "What, does Javier snore now, or kick you? Or is he wearing you out with all the sex?"

Esther swallowed. She couldn't think of how to respond, and Nicola had accidentally hit a sore spot. Their sex had gone downhill rapidly since that first night, and she felt like she was barely getting any proper sleep. None of that was at all Javier's fault.

"OK," said Nicola, looking embarrassed. "That was obviously insensitive. You know you can talk to me, right?"

Javier was away for at least a few hours, getting more supplies for his vegetable garden.

Esther started to cry. She wasn't sure why it was happening, and she couldn't seem to make it stop.

Nicola came over and held her with her strong arms, kissing her on her hair.

"OK, sister," said Nicola. "Now we'll sit together and talk, like old times. You managed it then, as uncomfortable as it was, and you can manage it now."

"Something's wrong with me," Esther blurted, rubbing her eyes. "I'm not making any progress with my abilities, and I'm not sleeping well, and I'm an even worse partner than usual for Javier. I can't seem to focus."

Nicola waited, but Esther couldn't think of what else to say.

"How long has this been going on?" Nicola asked softly.

"I don't know. Months. Maybe more. I don't know how Abuela did it, Nicola. I can barely even keep Watch over seven people."

Slowly, Esther began to pour out her sorrows to Nicola, figuring she'd surely feel better afterwards.

Instead, she just felt that much more pathetic.

Nicola squeezed her tightly. "Esther, you're obviously hung up on this Watch you're keeping. We're safe now, so much safer than we were a year ago. Why are you so terrified of letting go of this burden? We can fend for ourselves for a while. Maybe you need to start everything over from a fresh direction."

Esther shook her head. The rest of them were so much happier now. She couldn't admit her deeper worries: the nightmares, the strange fragments she couldn't quite remember. And worst of all, the others: listeners from far away with their unknown motives. Listeners who were stronger than she was.

"I know I can manage this," Esther said. "I just need time."

"From out here, that doesn't seem to be helping," said Nicola. "Tell you what. This reminds me of what happened when you were so terrified of letting yourself open to Abuela. Want to try what we tried then? I'll just hold you from behind, and you do whatever you can to relax."

Esther felt a surge of warmth for Nicola, remembering all the times she'd trembled in the other woman's arms while Abuela forced her to stretch her mind. Of course she wanted Nicola's help. Of course that would help calm her.

She kissed Nicola on the cheek and nodded, wiping away a tear. And she tried not to dwell on the increasingly complicated feelings she'd been having about her friend.

Well, no, they weren't so complicated. It was sweet, tantalizing arousal. Esther had experienced a few more of her sensory orgasms while sharing Nicola's senses, and it was pretty clear that Nicola was feeling something even closer to sexual arousal. Lately Esther had been ashamed of how much she looked forward to their sessions.

To her surprise, Nicola took off her shirt before sitting behind her. But that was usually the way they'd done it last summer. Skin on skin. Esther swallowed and pulled off her layers, leaving her bra on. Nicola went further than that, and soon Esther felt the delicious warmth of Nicola's breasts against her back.

Nicola grasped her lightly around the stomach, humming softly in her ear. Not a recognizable melody, but beautiful as always. Esther was drawn into the sounds, her vision fading and her other senses floating, with only the glowing forms of her Watch dancing behind her eyelids. She could feel that she was working far too hard, and in her relaxation she let go, just a little.

Nothing happened. Her shimmering vision was just as good. It was as if a few of her muscles had unclenched, and the feeling was glorious. She felt the touch of Nicola's hands moving slowly higher, and she felt her own body under Nicola's skin. The tingling of Nicola's nipples, and the quickening of her own body as Nicola pressed against the sensitive spots on her lower back. And then her friend's fingers danced lightly over the freckles between her breasts.

Esther whimpered, and Nicola stopped.

"Keep going," Esther found herself whispering, and she felt the glorious storm of arousal in her friend's body, thousands of little lightning bolts in her own mind.

All of a sudden her own body twitched, and she felt the muscles between her legs contracting. She hadn't meant it to go so far, but it was so magnificent, and somehow she knew she had nothing to fear. The orgasm swept over her mind like a warm breeze, one that didn't disturb her Watch. She was shaking in Nicola's arms, and her friend was kissing and encouraging her for what seemed like several minutes.

Finally she lay still, with Nicola's hands stroking her gently. She turned blearily to kiss Nicola on the lips.

"That wasn't really what I meant," Esther said, half-smiling.

"It seemed like what you needed, though," said Nicola. "Wasn't it?"

Esther didn't know. She hadn't gotten any closer to the vast missing realm in her mind. But she did feel much calmer than she had since the first night with Javier.

She sighed and sat up.

"You should take care of yourself, if you want," she said.

"Oh, thank God," said Nicola, struggling out of her pants. "I guess there's no hiding that from you, is there."

Esther watched unabashedly. There were things going on she didn't want to face, but given how often she spied on Nicola, this felt more honest anyway. And it truly was beautiful to see Nicola touch herself.

When Nicola was finally done, Esther took her hand, heedless of the stickiness.

"Don't tell Javier," she said. Nicola looked stunned.

"Wait," she said. "We didn't—did we do something wrong? Oh God, I'm sorry, Esther. I thought maybe—"

"Not the sex," said Esther. "Anyway, it wasn't really sex, and I didn't expect to react that way. I mean, don't tell him about my worries."

Nicola nodded slowly, though she didn't seem much happier.

"I promise I won't," she said. "But you need to talk to him. He's not stupid, and he loves you. He can handle it."

Esther shook her head. "He already spends far too much energy worrying about me. If I tell him, he'll be full of advice that I don't want, and it'll make everything even more fraught. Even the sex—"

Esther could already imagine the endless discussions. If she could just herself get back where she was the day they arrived ...

Nicola kissed her hand.

"You should still talk to him," she said. "Seriously. And if there's anything I can do to help on the sex side—I mean, advice-wise, of course. Well. I'm here, Esther."

* * *

Javier sat down at the computer in the dining cabin. Briefly he felt Esther's hand on his shoulder, and she gave him a wan smile. She was trying so hard, he knew. But the relaxation she needed wasn't the kind of thing that she'd find by trying harder. And surely a big part of her worries were about feeling inadequate around sex. Well, he was an adult. He could back off and give her all the emotional support she needed without being needy. It wasn't like sex was what made him love her, for crying out loud. He hadn't loved Samantha, or Clara, even if the sex had been good.

He didn't really know what he would do today. The garden was well along, and they might have peas to eat pretty soon. Maybe he'd think of something to program, just to keep his skills up for the summer.

He opened up a browser to check the news sites as usual and frowned. Some sort of crisis in the UK. A new parliament or something. Javier could never remember how that worked.

He shook his head and checked the e-mail accounts, in case Raj or Kat had some minor emergency that fell outside of Esther's mystical senses. She didn't have to do all the work herself.

To his surprise, there was a terse message from someone unfamiliar.

Javier and Esther,

I don't know what it is you know, but there's nowhere else to turn. I should be in Sierra City sometime around 1 P.M. tomorrow.

There was only one person that could be.

"Esther! The mystery woman from LA is coming after all! The name on the message is Selena Lightman. And wait, she sent it last night, so we better head down there soon."

Esther got a blank look for a moment, and then she nodded tiredly.

"Yes, in fact she's already arrived. I should have been watching for her."

"Come on," said Javier. "Don't beat yourself up for that. That's why I gave her the e-mail address in the first place. No harm done. Wanna go, then?"

They'd already mentioned the possibility of a newcomer to the others. Nicola hadn't been particularly in favor, and she was even less enthusiastic now.

"I don't like it, Esther. We don't know a thing about her, do we?"

"We know she needs our help, and I'm convinced she belongs here," said Esther.

Nicola sighed. "It's up to you, of course. I'll try to be nice."

He had Esther drive the truck on the way down. She was quickly getting comfortable with the bumpy roads. No doubt with all her caution and sensitivity she'd be a much better driver than him soon enough.

When they neared town, Esther directed him right to the post office. A lone car was parked there, with a familiar woman asleep at the wheel. She sat up before they got close, turning towards them and lowering the window.

"Selena?" Esther asked, and she nodded.

"We can take you the rest of the way," Javier said, and Selena frowned.

"Can't I just follow you?"

Javier looked at her car. He'd gotten sedans up the road plenty of times, as long as the conditions were OK. He supposed there wasn't any reason not to.

"It's a rough road," he said. "But if you're comfortable with that—"

"Oh, that's fine," she said.

She was dressed in fancy outdoor wear, the kind that Javier couldn't bring himself to splurge for even though Esther kept telling him it was fine. But her make-up was even more perfect than before. It was a weird combination, like she was a model for an outdoor clothing catalog.

Selena followed them back to camp easily enough, and she pulled in next to Javier's own car. With three vehicles the little parking area felt cramped.

Nicola had changed into her overalls and was currently using the circular saw for some project. Javier had the suspicion that she'd arranged it that way, just to present the newcomer with a particular image. A few seconds after they emerged from their cars, Nicola stopped cutting, leaving a deafening silence.

"So," Esther said awkwardly. "Welcome to the camp."

"Okay," Selena said skeptically. "Does it have a name? Should I check in now?"

"Uh, no," Esther admitted. "It's not that kind of camp."

"There's no charge or anything," Javier said. "This is just where we live. Do you want us to show you around?"

Selena stared at him. She looked incredulous, but there was something else in her eyes. Disappointment, or desperation.

"No," she said slowly. "Why don't you tell me what this place actually is. Who you actually are. Because I came all the way up here on the slimmest hope that the mysterious knowledge you hinted at has something to do with me."

Javier looked at Esther, but Esther seemed flummoxed. He was about to start talking himself when Nicola walked right up to them, staring at the newcomer.

"OK, Selena, here's how it is. You're wearing some kind of spandex briefs in a shocking purple. And a very sensible black sports bra, even if it's not as flattering as it might be. You have tinted contact lenses, and that make-up is hiding some very tired eyes as well as a striking set of greenish freckles on your right forearm. And those aren't the only freckles—"

Selena jumped back as if stung, hiding her arm reflexively behind her.

"Nicola!" Esther said, glaring, but Nicola just threw up her hands and walked away.

Selena kept backing away towards her car, watching as if Nicola were a dangerous animal.

"Selena," Javier said quietly. "We meant it when we said you're not alone. That's all that we are here: some people trying to understand who they are. Esther, Nicola, and Mark. He's out hunting, so you'll meet him later. And don't be alarmed by Nicola. She grows on you."

Selena looked at Javier. "What about you? I don't trust anyone so pretty and smooth-talking. You're hiding a lot."

"I'm just a friend," said Javier. "Esther can help you, Selena. I'm sure of it."

Selena stared at him for a while longer, and for a moment he felt as though she were looking right through him.

"All right, then," she said. "What the hell. Things can hardly get worse."

* * *

When they finished the tour, Selena retrieved a small duffel from her car.

"So I'm really sharing this little cabin?" she said, shaking her head as she tossed her things on Esther's old bed. "Ugh. It's been decades since I had roommates."

Fortunately Nicola had wandered off, and Esther didn't have to worry about another petty outburst. Though maybe it had been useful after all. It seemed Nicola had shocked Selena into acceptance faster than Esther would have managed.

"Can the two of us talk for a bit, by ourselves?" Esther asked.

Selena nodded slowly, and the two of them walked to her cabin.

"There's something strange about you," Selena said. "You seem more sincere than any of them. But I can't tell for sure. Why can't I tell? When you visited last time, I thought maybe I imagined it. Everything's so fuzzy on my bad days."

"Is this a bad day?" Esther asked as they entered.

Selena laughed unhappily. "Hell if I know. Different, anyway. Wait, be quiet."

Esther stood still, and Selena's eyes widened.

"What is this place?" she asked. "How could it be so quiet? Is there something special in the construction?"

Esther shook her head. For a moment she allowed their bubble of quiet to dissipate, then reestablished it as she usually did in the cabin.

Selena stared at her. "You did that. How did you do that? Oh God, can you teach me? You actually made the noise go away."

The woman abruptly folded herself on the floor and closed her eyes. For a few minutes she simply rocked back and forth, hugging her knees.

Esther sat quietly across from her until the older woman finally opened her eyes again, looking at the floor.

"It's been years," Selena said. "Decades. I don't know when the last time was that I had peace. Sometimes I've been able to ignore it, but the last few months have been intolerable—and there was no one who could help. I used to hope it was a weird schizophrenia, that my problem could be something normal for once. But therapy never helped, and anyway the noises are real. And I couldn't go to a doctor—"