Up the Farce

"Well I think I should be the one to tell them." Nigel stated, a slight crack in his voice.

"Oh they won't believe you if you just tell them, Father Dickey will be here tomorrow, I've organised a distraction while you haul him off in handcuffs."

"Oh no I definitely think I should tell the congregation, maybe tonight over some wine." Nigel pleaded.

"No, I think they will be grateful if you removed him from their presence before exposing the truth. You can come back to take their statements once you have dropped him off at the station." Nigel's mind swirled with ideas, all his dreams could come true (mainly his dreams about having an orgy with a room full of nuns) and all he had to do was arrest a possibly innocent, possibly embezzling priest.

...

Honey had headed straight from the nun's tea to the sex club, brushing past a nun on the way in and giggling at the atrociously wrong room that poor woman must have found herself in.

"Ah our esteemed judge." Davis announced. "I'm afraid today you will also be playing the titular role of Simon, due to the absence of our erstwhile president, never fear about any sense of decorum inhibiting you ability to act as an adequate taskmaster as the aforementioned president has left in our possession a guide to the tasks you will be asking us to perform." Between gawking at a room full of scantily clad strangers and Davis regurgitating a week-long diet of alphabet spaghetti, it took Honey some time to engage with the piece of paper that had just been thrust into her hands.

"Just a reminder before we start." Honey read out, "the prize for the victor is that they can choose one person from the game, and for one time only can ask them to strip naked. They must do so, regardless of the time or place, and remain unclad for as long as the winner deems appropriate. So let's all get naked so we can start the game." Honey marvelled at how quickly the gathered fetishists disrobed as the hall in front of her became a sea of flesh. She waited for everyone who was planning to get naked had done so before reading the next line.

"Anyone currently naked, you're out, I didn't say Simon Says." A tidal wave of groans washed over Honey like a surfer who had just told a bad pun, more than half the audience had been knocked out by Eileen's cunning opening gambit. "Alright, Simon says get naked." The scraps of players smart enough to hold onto whatever scraps of fabric legally classed as clothing now shed them. Honey was intrigued that mostly women remained, she didn't know that the club had a strict gender balance policy, leading to immediate entry for any couple, immediate entry for a single woman, and a waiting list for men that rivalled most organ donations. That mainly women remained in the game of Simon Says was a pure coincidence.

"Simon says pinch your nipples." Honey read, still not understanding why people would be so into blatant sexualization of a childhood game but starting to enjoy the power trip of being in charge. "Simon says find someone to give a deep meaningful kiss to." There were an odd number of players still in the contest so while everyone partnered up and began to make out, poor Davis' tongue found itself bored without long words or other tongues to keep it busy.

"Sorry Davis, you're out." Honey announced. She was getting more confident and reading through the lines faster, forcing the crowd of perverts in front of her to bend to her will gave her a new found confidence that morphed her voice from a stuttering monotone to a level of charisma and professionalism to rival the greatest bingo callers in Daventry.

"The next one is, umm... I can't make this out, can someone read this handwriting." She announced, a couple of nice older ladies (grandma types if you could ignore the pierced nipples) came up to see what it said and felt very betrayed when Honey told them they were both out. Whoever had written this was very cunning, that should have been a warning for her to be careful and read ahead but she didn't realise until it was too late.

"Simon says come up to the front and give my bare bottom five swats with a riding crop." Honey clamped a hand over her mouth at the absurdity of what she just said, there were six people still left in the game which meant thirty swats with a riding crop that Davis suddenly had to hand. She wanted to back away and tell them no, but she had already asked them to give her bottom a good seeing to and they would be so disappointed if she suddenly flaked on that. Seeing the looks of joy on the first people to approach the front of the room, Honey swallowed her hesitancy, lifted up her skirt, and then with trembling hands she pulled down her knickers.

The last man left in the competition was up first, he bent the riding crop in his hands, savouring the silence before the screams. He brought his arm down hard and the first thwack echoed around the room, he gave her cheek a moment to get nice and red before releasing the final four in quick succession, forehand to backhand like a tennis player trying to get some in practice during an orgy.

"Very nice, authentic sounding screams too, you're no amateur." He complimented Honey completely wrongly. She looked over her shoulder and fought back the tears as five women waited their turn.

By the time everyone was done, Honey's bottom glowed red with such intensity it could have been used to guide wayward ships at night. Nobody had broken the skin but the welts were clear for all to see. She pulled up her knickers, and continued reading.

"Thank you contenders. Simon doesn't say it is not untrue that nobody should not kiss my bottom better, and no I will not be re-reading the order." The remaining contestants all calculated the string of negatives in their heads before giving up and deciding that surely the most perverted path was the right one. With a deep sigh Honey once again pulled down her knickers and turned to face away from the competitors. Only one person didn't immediately crowd round to lift up Honey's skirt and give her bottom a kiss, while Honey retreated to a happy place sleeping with men who thought anything but missionary was too deviant for them.

"It says here that anyone who kissed my bottom is now out." The audience erupted into cheers and Honey swooned with relief that it was over. A stern brunette woman celebrated with sadistic joy at the power she had just been given. While everyone gathered around to congratulate the winner, Honey read ahead on the list of Simon Says tasks and was incredibly grateful the contest had ended quickly.

"Simon says kiss me on the lips? Simon says kiss me on the other lips? Simon says insult my body? Simon says rub your genitals in my face? Simon says make a post on social media about how you support Brexit? What freak wrote this?" Honey mumbled to herself, "Jesus Christ the end of game tiebreaker was going to be musical chairs but with sitting on my face. I've got to get out of here quickly."

"So Leta, you have emerged victorious. Whom amongst those participating in the game is your choice to impose exhibitionism upon?" Davis asked, brimming with joy at another perverted game completed. Honey was half-way to the door when Leta decided to stop her in her tracks.

"Of course I choose our taskmaster here, see how she likes to be bossed around for a change." Honey turned with such fear in her eyes that the whole room had to work hard to blatantly disregard it and cheer on Leta's great choice.

"Is that OK Honey? We don't want to pressure you into something you're not OK with." Davis asked, completely mute to the room that was clearly trying to pressure her into something she wasn't OK with. She tried to find the words to graciously say no, to decline and not have to look at scores of faces turn from jubilation to disappointment. But all she could do was mutely open and close her mouth, before silently nodding and beginning to undo her blouse.

"Oh not yet Honey." Leta interrupted, "go back to your reception and think about how I'm waiting like a coiled viper to strike at the worst moment for you."

Honey followed her advice.

...

Eileen had been enjoying her morning so much she had lost track of time. She was looking forward to so much of that day's itinerary, especially the twist she had come up with for some of the later games. That morning, before she had squeezed herself into her latex nun outfit, she had finally opened the box on her favourite new purchase. The DeepPain TX3000 chastity belt, complete with dildo and plug attachments. She had eased the belt in and on herself under everything, the tight latex nun outfit making it difficult to quickly remove. The plan was that the remote control to the vibrations and electric shocks that coursed through the belt's large attachments could be rewarded as a prize to members throughout the day.

But in her revelry with the group she was with, she didn't realise it was almost too late, the pressing concern only being brought to her attention when Davis unloaded a word salad that either meant they were about to play Simon Says or his car was on fire. She rushed to the door but as she was on the way out she almost bumped into Honey. Keeping her head firmly down and the hood on her Nun's robe drawn, she walked past and hoped the gormless receptionist didn't recognise her. As she streamed past she then almost ran into her husband, having a pleasant conversation with a nun. Panicking she dived into the next nearest conference room and was pleased to see it was empty.

Eileen took a moment to catch her breath and think through her situation, she couldn't leave through the door, her husband might see her. The event room windows had been fixed closed after one too many conferences had the air conditioning on with the window open. She was going to have to wait until Simon Says was over and Nigel was no longer around, then sneak back into her room.

"Oh hello, I don't recognise you, are you the Sister from America who said she might be joining us?" Asked a startled Sister Destiny who had returned to the room for her bag. Eileen took a fraction of a second to stare in wild eyed disbelief before pulling the cloth robe over her latex outfit.

"Boy Howdy that's me, Sister Dixie at your service." She replied in possibly the worst texas accent ever affected by a human being, one not actually necessary to fool a nun who had never travelled beyond Northamptonshire. "I just got here from Texas and wanted a rootin' tootin' minute to relax."

"Very well, the sisterhood has headed to a nearby church but I don't mind sitting here and keeping you company." Sister Destiny offered.

"How could I say no to that?" Eileen replied. Destiny smiled not knowing that Eileen was genuinely asking. Destiny poured Eileen some tea and began to ask Eileen every question she had about life in a nunnery in Texas. Eileen was half way through a wildly fabricated story of birthing a calf when Sister Sparingly burst back into the room.

"What kind of church chooses to have a wedding on a Saturday?" She moaned. "Looks like we'll have to do our prayer circle here." Eileen swore to herself as the room flooded with nuns, cutting off her escape.

"How about we have our new American friend lead the prayers?" Sister Destiny suggested to great approval. Eileen tried to respectfully refuse but while doing so her robe loosened and the eagle eyed Sister Sparingly noticed what she had on underneath.

"Are your under-robes wet Sister?" She asked, drawing everyone's attention.

"Oh no, this here's what all nuns wear in Texas." Eileen responded, actually feeling a tinge of joy as she opened her robe to reveal her tight latex equivalent of a nun's outfit, hugging her curves before completing in a tight crotched shirt. She never thought she would be showing off her sexualized body to a room full of nuns.

"Isn't that a bit, umm, deviant?" Sister Destiny enquired.

"The bible says if someone finds my outfit sexual, they should pluck out their eye. That ain't on me. What this outfit does is protects my purity. If I'm in the middle of the prairie and someone wants to violate me, the cops ain't comin for hours even if I could call them. This outfit is a mother of a pickle to remove, especially while I'm giving them what for." There was a mixture of pleasant realisation and suspicious muttering around the nuns and Eileen certainly didn't want them dwelling on her bullshit. "So how about that prayer circle?"

Next door Davis was satisfied with a good game of Simon Says and was preparing for the next game. He had some diagrams he would need to use the projector for, but he couldn't find that blasted remote. He searched high and low until one of the group said they thought they had spotted a remote next to Inda's bag.

The nun's hands were joined in prayer and Eileen stood up to begin reciting the gospel according to a horny bitch who had to make it up on the fly.

"We pray to our almighty... JESUS CHRIST!" She blurted out as a jolt of power ran through her pussy. "Um, yes the... Oh God, oh my God." Eileen was trying to concentrate on a deep and pure dedication to religion while vibrators started to stimulate her sex holes.

"We pray for the redemption of sinners so they don't burn in... FUCKING HELL!" Davis was using the remote control the way most older men do, by pressing every button and hoping it worked. He had just turned everything off. Eileen was surprised, frustrated but otherwise grateful for the ten seconds she had without physical stimulation.

"Sometimes I get lost in my love for jesus." She started before the vibrators and motors began to pulse inside her, occasionally tempered with a white hot flash of electrical pain as Davis tried the 'power' button again. "Let me have a minute to catch my breath." The Nuns knew better than to speak during prayer, but shot each other glances that acknowledged that this American clearly had a deep and different relationship with God.

"No, no, no." An elderly lady next door advised Davis. "Clearly it's on but not bright enough, just keep pressing that upwards arrow until we can see the screen."

Eileen was leaning on a table for support, humming with pleasure, the hum became a moan, the moan became loud gasping, and the gasping became screams of joy as the vibrators penetrating into Eileen's soul turned themselves to 11.

"Oh my God! Oh my good gracious God! I love it! I love everything! Jesus Christ this is good!" The Nuns were still being open minded about Eileen's expression of praise as she collapsed to the floor and began to gibber in mind sending pleasure as she writhed with her pulsing sex.

"She's speaking in tongues." Sister Sparingly announced.

"The holy spirit is indeed speaking through her, notice how her voice no longer has an American accent." Destiny added.

"Maybe you have to hold the power button down?" A helpful sex club member suggested to Davis next door.

Eileen would later thank the forthought she had put into paying out a bit extra to thoroughly soundproof the conference rooms when they were being refurbished. Before that, however, she had to spend some time screaming at the top of her lungs as the strongest jolt of electricity the belt could muster coursed through her body, not as a shock or a pulse but as a sustained current, locking all her limbs and convulsing her sex.

It took a full minute of all chastity belt functions on full power before the battery died.

"Sister Dixie, are you OK?" Sister Destiny asked.

"I can't come to school today, I have a note." Eileen spluttered out before collapsing on the floor, still twitching with the aftershocks of her overwhelming orgasms.

"What a deeply spiritual person" sister Sparingly noted, "I thoroughly enjoyed that."

"Oh, hang on this isn't the right remote" Exclaimed Davis next door. "I just remembered I put the remote in my pocket earlier. Can anyone see my trousers?"

...

Honey returned to her reception desk, nursing a sore bottom and a sense of foreboding. As she arrived her phone was ringing. She picked up and was immediately met with a weasley voice requesting lunch in his room. Honey went to the kitchen and picked up a tray of various lunches and headed to room 26, Mr Smevins.

Honey knocked on the door and was let in by Mr. Smevin's she began to lay out his food. As she finished laying out his meal, they heard the thud of a door shutting to the adjoining room.

"Oh the lady next door is back. Now that we know she is in the room could you have a word with her about the loud whipping noise?" Honey really didn't want to be in a room alone with the mad nun but couldn't say no to a guest. She agreed and found herself knocking on Sister Sparingly's door.

"Oh my, if it isn't my favourite receptionist, do come in." Sister Sparingly invited. Honey nervously shuffled through the door.

"Um... the reason I'm here is..."

"Oh you don't have to tell me, you're curious about nuns, I could tell from our conversation." Sister Sparingly gushed.

"Actually..."

"Well I just had a fascinating prayer session with an American nun and now I do feel the need to distract my idle mind, so what would you like to know?"

"Well, the thing is..."

"Oh my gosh I completely forgot. We were talking about clothes earlier, would you like to try on a habit, see how you feel in it?"

"Well, I mean sure, but..."

"Here you are, just give it a go, see how you feel." The Sister thrust a bundle of fabric into Honey's hands and looked on with expectant glee. Honey figured maybe it would be easier for her to broach the subject if the sister was more relaxed and began to put the robe on. "Oh young lady, you'll boil to death if you put that on over your clothes." Honey sighed, she didn't want to strip down but at least this was a nun and not a sex pest. As she pulled down her skirt, Sister Sparingly's keen eye for detail noticed something else.

"Young lady hold on a second, are those welts on your bottom?" Not waiting for an answer Sister Sparingly lunged up close and stared in disbelief.

"Oh, it's not what you think..." Honey began, only to notice that the nun had tears in her eyes.

"You self-flagellate too." She cried. "Oh you deeply faithful and sweet girl, I am so happy there are people like you in the world." The nun turned around and lifted up her robes to reveal her bottom and thighs were covered in deep crimson welts.

"Uh, yes. Yes I do. That's why I thought I would come and talk to you privately, you see the room next door has been losing sleep because he can hear you, erm, using a whip to absolve your sins."

"Oh I see, I am sorry I didn't think the walls were that thin. I do have a quieter alternative, I recently found a shop selling DeepPain TX3000 chastity belts, so innovative, as well as preventing sexual acts, it also has electrodes so you can discretely punish yourself for sexual thoughts. I planned on trying it out this weekend but..." Sister Sparingly trailed off in a way that suggested an uncomfortable thought process for Honey. "Didn't you say that you were saving up for a chastity belt?"

"Well, yes but..."

"Then you take it, I can control my urges for a day, here, put it on and see how it feels."

"Oh I really shouldn't, you spent so much money."

"Nonsense child, you have inspired me, please, it will make this old nun happy to see a young woman embracing faith." As the sister stared at Honey with adoration in her eyes, Honey melted on the spot and gave in to the mad nun's will. The Sister looked away while Honey removed her knickers and began sliding the metallic harness over her legs. The belt had come with a complementary sachet of lube which Honey emptied onto the plug, this was the first time her butt had been an entrance hole rather than an exit hole. She clumsily eased the protrusions into her, moaning with the effort her hands slipping on the lube while the plug struggled to get into the right hole. Eventually she was able to take a deep breath and ease in the plug. With the plug inside, the dildo was lined up well and soon Honey felt totally filled.