Up the Farce

...

Out in the reception area the nuns were listening to the latest of Honey's stories of purity in the land of beastly had the nuns enthralled. Honey stopped in shock as Sister Destiny, with tears in her eyes, ran into the group interrupting her talk.

"Everyone is lying to you, don't trust anyone. This church is a sham, Father Dickey just wants to exploit you and anyone who says they want to help just wants to get into your pants. The whole world revolves around sex so we might as well embrace it." She ranted before storming out of the hotel. The nuns wanted to go after her but after last night's exploits they assumed she wanted to be alone.

"You know what, Sister Destiny is right." Announced Sister Sparingly. "Yesterday, in part thanks to this wonderful girl, I have been on a spiritual journey and discovering that exploring our own bodies is not sinful, in fact it is divine." She announced. As if to punctuate her point Sister Sparingly whipped off her robes and stood proudly naked in the hotel foyer.

"Oh wow, there's no need to do that." Honey stuttered trying to prevent the murmurs of nuns turning into something that may cost her her job.

"Honey you have the most real world experience of us all. What do you think? Are we foolish for denying our lustful urges?" One of the nuns asked. Honey thought carefully through her answer. The nuns waited with baited breath as Honey paused in thought, her penitence momentarily broken by a lady whispering something in her ear.

"Sex is a part of life, it's not to be ignored but it is not to be allowed to dominate." Honey explained, removing her blouse. "Of course there are some who dedicate more of their life to sex than others but as long as they are happy with that who are we to judge." She continued, unzipping her skirt and letting it drop to the floor. The nuns stood in confusion as Honey gave a sleep deprived, caffeine wired ramble about the importance of a healthy attitude to sex as one by one she removed her clothes.

Leta smiled from the sidelines as Honey did her bidding, rolling down her tights and standing in front of the awestruck nuns as she stood in mismatched underwear, her hesitation obvious as her shaking hand unclipped her bra strap and tossed her bra to one side revealing her perky breasts and unmissable pink nipples. She looked pleadingly at Leta in the hope of saving some dignity but Leta was clearly insistent that her black knickers join the pile on the floor next to her. Honey took one deep breath, pulled her knickers down to her ankles, then kicked them off and blushed with every inch of her exposed body in front of the nuns.

"Has what I have been saying make sense?" Honey asked her enraptured audience.

"Absolutely." Replied Sister Sparingly, walking to the front of the group to give Honey a hug. Honey squirmed awkwardly as the Sister pressed her naked body against Honey's. "Sisters, as Honey was clearly showing us, we can talk about sexuality all we want, but underneath it all we have the bodies God gave us and we shouldn't be ashamed of that." That wasn't what Honey meant but she couldn't help but feel that it wasn't as embarrassing to be naked when a room full of nuns began to follow suit.

...

Eileen and Nigel were arguing, they were fighting, they were screaming and shouting and generally removing any lust from a room previously filled with it.

"I was just playing some games, you were the one cheating on me." Eileen yelled.

"Technically I hadn't cheated on you yet." Nigel yelled back.

"Really, you think you have the high ground from a sentence that starts with the word technically?"

"Don't distract from the truth that you gave up on this marriage first."

"I'm sorry, but why are you two even together?" One of the swingers interrupted.

"I dunno, force of habit?" Eileen replied.

"If I'm being honest, I settled." Nigel hurtfully sneered. "Why I could find plenty of women who would want to fuck me." He opened the door and on the other side a room full of naked nuns all turned their heads towards him. The circumstances were all wrong but this was the scene from Nigel's dreams.

"Not so fast dick for brains." Eileen challenged, grabbing Nigel's erect penis and dragging him up the stairs so they could argue in private.

...

"A nice quiet lunch, that will do fine. I'll keep my head down, not get involved and give my poor drained balls time to heal." Mr. Smevins muttered to himself as he staggered down the stairs. He turned the corner to see a room full of naked nuns turn to him and smile. Mr. Smevins fainted.

...

"You sure you don't want to..."

"No, I'm fine, I have to man the reception." Honey interrupted, wide eyed and increasing in trauma as the inevitable consequences of the Daventry Swingers and Sex Games Association discovering a reception area full of naked nuns played out in front of her eyes. The swingers certainly had a lot to teach them, although that didn't stop Sister Sparingly leaving a trail of broken men and women in her wake.

There was no way around it, the hotel had now become an orgy, the only people on the premises not engaging in sexual activity were the owners arguing in private, a naked receptionist waiting for either death or permission to get her clothes back (whichever comes first) and a priest handcuffed to a tree in the gardens. Honey went and made herself another cup of coffee.

...

It was at least a couple of hours before everyone bashfully began to put their clothes back on, that was everyone except Honey, who Leta decided should be punished for not taking part in the orgy, and Sister Sparingly who decided to have a walk and a prayer, feeling that she didn't need clothes for either.

Sister Sparingly had never felt closer to God, wandering his creation, naked as the day she was born and tingling with post orgasmic bliss. That's when she saw, tied to a tree, Father Dickey.

"My word Father, what happened?"

"That crazy police officer handcuffed me to a tree and left me here, get me out!" He ordered.

"Well since you're not going anywhere, how about I tell you about the day I have just had." Sister Sparingly menacingly began, pulling down Father Dickey's trousers.

...

Nigel and Eileen had been arguing for some time and had come up with an arrangement on how they were going to live their lives. They were going to have an open marriage, Eileen would continue to have fun with the DSSGA and Nigel didn't need to feel bad about trying to have sex with nuns. It took a while to come to that conclusion but Nigel was still hopeful that a nun or two might still be up for something as he skipped down the stairs.

As he got to the bottom of the stairs he saw his reception area filled with pandemonium. Honey staggered up to him to give him a rundown of what had just happened.

"So, the priest you had handcuffed in the forest had a heart attack while one of the nuns was having her way with him, that same nun is trying to convince the swingers and the nunnery into a merger, also wants to nominate me for a sainthood. A different nun has brought the police, they're looking for someone who has been impersonating an officer. A review has been uploaded to the Masked Weekender calling the hotel 'a den of perversion where sex stalks you at every turn' and our booking system has crashed with the demand. And finally I don't care that Leta hasn't yet given me my clothes back, it is 6pm, my shift is over and I am walking home. Good luck dealing with all this."

Honey defiantly swung her handbag over her shoulder and strutted out of the hotel, blind to any concerns aside from the bed that was waiting for her at home.