Up the Farce

"Hello, I tried phoning down but there was no answer. My neighbour was an insatiable lady and now I am in desperate need of food and drink." Honey tried to care but she was more focussed on getting this hot coffee into her body as fast as she could without burning herself. "But since I am down here I might as well try the restaurant." He announced. Mr Smevins was so drained your average botanist would classify him as a raisin, he went straight to the bar and ordered two glasses of water and a beer.

Part way through his second glass of water Mr. Smevins finally got the feeling back in his legs and decided a trip to the toilet wouldn't be such a bad idea. He had taken two steps into the hotel toilet when a different nun grabbed him and tore his trousers down.

"What the fuck is with the horny nuns in this place?" He exclaimed as his battered penis began to rise to the occasion.

...

Back at the reception desk, the caffeine of a single cup of coffee was vastly insufficient to rouse Honey and it wasn't long until she was back asleep. Nigel, seeing the end of what should have been his shift decided to check on things and began to head down the stairs, as he descended he was passed by Mr. Smevins, who had decided to return to his room to change his pants before he could eat.

"Hey, you. Have you been accosted by horny nuns today?" Mr. Smevins asked, still trying to get a fix on things.

"No... have you?" Nigel replied.

"Oh yeah. At first I thought my stay would be uneventful, but it turns out the nun from room 25 is a total sex fiend. I make one complaint about the sex noises coming from her room and she turns up at my door naked and fucks me to apologise. After that I head downstairs, waiting for me in the toilet is another nun who immediately gives me a blow job. I don't know what convent those nuns are from but they are handing out sex like candy." Smevins didn't care how Nigel responded, he just needed to tell someone before skipping back to his room.

Nigel didn't want to appear desperate, but he was, so he decided to walk two or three steps behind Smevins before he got to the door to number 25 and gave it a confident knock. He knocked a couple of times and got no response. Suddenly he heard Smevins door open again and had to lunge back down the stairs to avoid a guest seeing what a pervert he was.

"Where could she be?" He asked himself.

...

On the roof of the hotel it began to rain, and Sister Nevar Sparingly began to weep, seeing the rain as god's approval for her plan to masturbate naked in his direct sight.

...

"Nevermind, there's another in the downstairs toilet." Nigel thought as he ran towards the restaurant. As he got close he noticed a commotion among the nuns, they looked concerned. Nigel knew the right thing to do was to see what was wrong and help whichever nun was in distress, but that option would preclude a toilet blow job so he instead stormed into the men's toilet.

The only thing Nigel found in the men's toilet was the smell caused by the men who had unwisely asked for chilli at lunch. Eileen had since been fetched by Davis who was briefing her on what they had decided, a simple briefing only quadrupled in length by Davis' need to cram as much of the english language as possible into each sentence.

Nigel left the toilet dejectedly and decided to maybe give room 25 another try.

As Nigel ascended the stairs he was unaware Sister Destiny was now drunk, and the worried nuns were trying to talk her out of her most recent decision.

"No I mean it." She slurred, "the next man I see, I am going to take and fuck." Her mind was picturing Officer Rockard, but her body was flexible.

"Is something the matter?" Mr. Smevins asked, having returned with clean trousers and plans to eat.

"Not any more." Sister Destiny announced, planting her lips onto Smevins, before taking him by the hand and dragging him towards her room.

"Fucking hell." Smevins announced, somewhat literally.

...

Honey was asleep, deeply asleep, so deeply asleep she didn't feel her chair being wheeled into the empty event room 2 by two members of the Daventry Swingers and Sex Games Association. One stayed to keep an eye on Honey while the other returned to where the president was receiving her orders.

"Alright, it looks like your long suffering receptionist is now getting the peace and quiet she deserves and the nuns have headed upstairs for their slumber. Just for clarification, you are to stay on reception and do all your usual duties totally naked. You may resume wearing your habit and can put on the mask in the event you need to interact with any other staff. Don't forget the old idiom that the customer is always right so I don't expect to hear of your refusal to any requests tonight. This is to continue until such a time as Honey awakens and dismisses you." Davis eventually concluded, ushering her out the door.

Eileen felt that deep joyous fear within her as she walked out to the reception desk. The huge risk she was taking made the deep knot in her stomach tighten, sending tingles up and down her body. I'm sure Davis was enjoying having power over the president who beat him in the last election, but deep down being the group's slave was just the thing to scratch the itch that compelled her to join the DSSGA in the first place.

As she stood behind reception she heard footsteps coming down the stairs and prepared herself for the first of many naked encounters tonight.

"Oh, aren't you the American nun from earlier today?" Sister Nevar Sparingly asked. "Why are you naked and where is Honey?"

"I gave her a break and thought I'd use this time to test my purity." Eileen responded, once again putting on her hideous American accent.

"Purity test eh?" Sister Sparingly exclaimed as she began to remove her robes. "I think you are about to fail." She grabbed Eileen and pressed her naked body against hers, giving her a deep sensual kiss on the lips, her hands probing her pussy. The two women sharing a passionate moment as they fell together to the floor beneath the reception.

...

Sister Sparingly came to one final orgasm at the end of Eileen's tongue before leaving to get some food. The restaurant had been closed a while so she had to settle for some food from the vending machine.

Eileen didn't have a long time to rest before she was getting a phone call for room service. Mr Smevins was aware the restaurant was closed but was interested in getting some beer brought up to his room, which Eileen was happy to provide. She put on her mask to go to the closed restaurant bar and pick up some bottles, the chef just on his way home after cleaning up, decided maybe not to do so much NoS in the future as it had never caused him to hallucinate naked nuns before. As she walked up the stairs with a tray full of beer, she ran into Nigel, who assumed he had just completed his late night quest to find one of the myriad nymphomaniac nuns that people were talking about.

"Hey." He flirted, so sexless was his marriage that he couldn't recognise his wife by her naked body.

"Get fucked!" Eileen replied in a deep voice while barging her way past him.

"I'm trying." He responded, mainly to himself.

Mr. Smevins had never ordered beer to his room before, but he needed to steady his nerves. He had no idea how nuns kept finding and fucking him but it had happened enough times that now he had retreated to his room where he would be safe from the onslaught of kinky nuns that had ravaged him so mercilessly that his genitals now resembled an aging bassett hound. There was a knock on the door. Smevins opened the door to see a naked nun waiting for him with his beer.

Eileen didn't know how to respond to a guest screaming and slamming the door in her face, so decided to leave his beer in the hallway and get back to reception.

...

Honey awoke in the dark and quiet, panicking at the surroundings different to what age had left behind.

"Don't worry it's OK." Leta reassured, emerging from the darkness. "You were asleep and rather than get you in trouble we decided to let you nap and have one of our members take care of things." As she was explaining herself she waved out of the door, a signal to Eileen to put on her mask.

"Oh, um OK, thanks for doing that but if my boss found out I was letting someone else cover my shift she would be pissed." Honey said while groggily getting to her feet and making her way back to reception. She got to the door and saw a naked nun looking after the hotel she was meant to be in charge of. So sexless was her employment that she couldn't recognise her boss by her naked body.

"Woah, no, this isn't OK. Have you been dealing with customers like that?" She exploded.

"A couple."

"Oh my God if Mrs. Fairchild finds out I let a pervert man the desk I would be fired so fast."

"Don't worry I'm sure she won't find out." Leta calmly stated. "In fact I bet you could work naked for next hour and nobody would know." Honey gulped.

"Are you saying I have to..."

"No I'm just messing with you. Why would I want you to be naked at a time nobody would know?" Leta sang, walking up to the reception desk, grabbing Eileen's nipple, and pulling her back into the event room for the last of her humiliations for that night.

...

For Honey, once the DSSGA went to sleep the night was quiet (after all the hotel only had one guest who wasn't a swinger or a nun) so she muddled through with a series of power naps, not enough to be counted as a good rest but enough to keep her from dying on her feet.

As the sun laboriously climbed over the horizon Honey awoke and looked at the time, it was 5:30 am. Honey just had 12 and a half hours to go on her shift. She went to the restaurant, put some Frosties in a bowl then topped it up with coffee and choked her way through the concoction. The waiters setting up for breakfast felt like stopping her when she emptied out a milk jug and filled it with coffee to take to the reception desk, but they took one look at the visible exhaustion on her face and it was clear she needed this.

The nuns arrived for breakfast at 6am sharp, even Sister Sparingly, who looked just as exhausted as Honey, and Sister Destiny who was experiencing her first ever hangover and not appreciating it. Part way through breakfast Nigel arrived and subtly signalled to Sister Destiny to come chat to one side.

"Any updates on when father Dickey is arriving." Nigel said with as much authority as he could muster. He wasn't going to let today go by without having sex with Destiny, he had promised himself.

"Nothing yet but I do have something to tell you. Last night I got drunk, and while drunk I tried to have sex with a man. I feel so ashamed." Sister Destiny admitted. "As luck would have it the man could not get his manhood to work and he ended up crying while I pleasured myself astride his body."

"Sister you don't have to be ashamed, how you deal with this situation is up to you. It is shocking to find out that you have been conned, but that doesn't mean you have to still feel bad about your body." Nigel reassured, hoping his ship hadn't sailed.

"I'm glad you feel that way, because if I'm being honest I'm glad the man in room 25 was unable to rise to the occasion, I want my first time to be with you. You have been so kind and supportive with my journey. I will help you arrest Father Dickey and once he is safely behind bars, would you like to return to the hotel and have sex with me?" Nigel was overjoyed, he was finally going to get what he felt he had earned with all his scheming and lying.

Sister Destiny gave Nigel a sweet kiss on the cheek before rejoining her friends on their way to their second day of prayer and discussion. There was excitement amongst the group as they had agreed for their first prayer meeting to try out this new style of praying that Sister Dixie and Honey had demonstrated.

The Daventry Swingers and Sex Games Association started to filter downstairs for their breakfast. Honey was too deep into her coffee to care that a masked club member was totally chained up, naked, and being fed scraps and leftovers from everyone else's breakfast. They dragged the poor abused woman from the restaurant to the event room with more malicious designs for the day while Honey sighed that not even a woman's extreme humiliation could break her fugue state.

Mr. Smevins ordered his breakfast to his room as he was scared of the sexual advances that would be thrown at him if he ventured outside.

The caffeine was beginning to replace Honey's blood when a elderly priest approached the front desk, barely hiding his lecherous gaze as he rang the reception bell.

"Yep, yep, yep! How can I help!" A newly wired Honey screamed.

"Oh mercy, hello, I'm Father Dickey, I'm the deacon of the Sisters..."

"Sisters of Purity, got ya, they're in their event room right now, I suppose you could interrupt them or you could wait, would you like me to announce you, like in those posh stories?" Honey splurged in about half a second.

"Forgive me..."

"Wow never had a priest ask me for forgiveness but you have it, anyhoo yours are in event room two, not that they are yours, if they were literally yours you would want conference room one." Honey joked at a speed usually reserved for people reading harmful side effects on medication adverts.

"I'm sorry should I be in conference room one or two?" The confused old man asked

"Depends what you're into, if you literally own nuns you want one. Oh hey that rhymes, imagine that in the charts, I could see Cardi B singing that, but if she did room one would also be a sex thing. What was I saying? Oh yes don't go to room one, or do I'm not a cop, that you know of, hey what if I were an undercover cop..." Father Dickey got bored of waiting for Honey's caffeine addled brain to figure out what it was meant to be doing and just left for this event room one that she kept mentioning.

"I should go with him." Honey exclaimed to herself. "If he is really there, which is he, how could I be sure, I mean if he was real he would have said something right?"

Father Dickey opened the door and saw a room full of men playing soggy biscuit but with a ravished nun playing the part of the biscuit. He screamed and slammed the door shut. Next he went to conference room two and opened the door to see a room full of nuns rolling around screaming and swearing in orgasmic bliss. He screamed and shut that door too, walking away from the whole situation he found himself in.

At about the same time both event room doors opened. Sister Destiny had seen Father Dickey and knew she needed to stop him from leaving, while Davis had seen that his group had almost given an elderly priest a heart attack and wanted to know if he was OK.

"Oh no he's leaving." Sister Destiny exclaimed. "Sorry sir, could you do me a favour, I need to you to find a police officer called officer Rockard, medium height, brown hair, brown trenchcoat, I need you to quickly tell him that father Dickey is here, it's urgent."

"Absolutely." Davis agreed, seeing the sincerity with which the nun was talking to him. "I will immediately expedite the proximity of the constable at the earliest convenience upon my discovery of his present location."

Sister Destiny sprinted after Father Dickey while Davis began to search the hotel.

"Father Dickey, where are you going?" Destiny yelled as the priest stopped just outside the hotel.

"I had a feeling I was in the wrong hotel." He stammered, wiping his brow. "I'm sorry I'm not the kind to stand on the sidelines while lewd things are happening."

"Why is that?" Sister Destiny asked, stalling for time.

"Well I've never told you this but some of your sisters often come to me for physical guidance as well as spiritual guidance. When done in the eyes of the lord such urges are fine, it is actually one of the founding principles when I left those judgy catholics and set up this denomination." Sister Destiny was even more shocked, here she was keeping herself pure and it turns out the priest had been having sexual relations with the nuns this entire time. "If you are interested I'll discuss it once I get back to the abbey, I'm sure I could fit you in amongst the many sessions a week I usually end up having with Sister Sparingly."

Sister Destiny was incandescent with rage but also desperately trying to keep him near enough to the hotel so her knight in shining armour could come to her rescue. Her frustration boiling over wondering where officer Rockard could be.

...

"...expediting assistance to the aforementioned spiritual acolyte of the sisterhood with immediate effect."

"...No sorry you've lost me what do you want?" Nigel asked Davis.

...

"This is so new, I demand you demonstrate to me what you mean right now." Sister Destiny exclaimed, hoping that she wouldn't have to endure his lust too long.

"OK, well if you join me in the car park I will show you." Father Dickey replied.

...

"So I'm getting you right, a cow is stuck on some train lines and you need a helicopter?" Nigel guessed.

"No I was conveying that..."

"OK this isn't ever going to end unless you talk to me like I'm five." Nigel interrupted.

"Urgh, a nun wanted me to get you to help with a priest, happy?"

"Yes!" Nigel yelled as he sprinted towards the entrance. He ran past Honey as she tried to stop seeing double through sheer force of will, his mind buzzing at where Sister Destiny and Father Dickey could be. He gazed out into the car park and among the cars he saw an elderly priest with a big grin on his face and made a beeline for him. The initial confliction, forgotten in his haste, came roaring back to hin, should he arrest a priest? How would he even do that and what if the poor guy was innocent? He couldn't put an innocent man through all that just to have sex with a nun could he.

"Father Dickey!" He yelled. The elderly priest nodded. "Have you seen Sister Destiny around?" Slowly and awkwardly sister Destiny stood up so she was also visible behind the cars, semen dripping off her lips. Nigel's inner conflict came to an immediate end.

"Father Dickey I am arresting you for embezzlement and indecent exposure." He announced taking out his handcuffs and wrapping them around the priests wrists. He marched Father Dickey away while Sister Destiny licked her lips and gave him a wink.

Nigel walked Father Dickey into a small copse near the hotel and the moment he was certain he was out of view of the hotel, he handcuffed the priest to a tree, made his apologies and ran back to the hotel to catch up with Sister Destiny.

As Sister Destiny arrived back at the hotel, the nuns had decanted into the reception area so they could have their pre-arranged chat with Honey.

"So you're saying all kinds of immoral things happen at the hotel?" One of the nuns asked.

"Oh you have no idea." Honey replied, gearing up a highlight reel of smut and deviancy she had witnessed in just the past month of her job. Sister Destiny was among the nuns when Nigel returned and she broke away to talk to him.

"How about we sneak away for a moment before we tell the others?" Sister Destiny purred, grabbing Nigel by the arm and leading him to event room one, the room set aside for liaisons according to the receptionist earlier. So horny was she that she had begun kissing Nigel as they walked through the door.

They had been in the room kissing and beginning to strip each other off at least ten seconds before Sister Destiny opened her eyes and screamed. Nigel was worried that she had pulled down his trousers then screamed in terror, but when he opened his eyes and looked around he saw a room full of people playing twister, using a woman covered in polka dot paint as the board.

"Nigel?" Yelled the twister board.

"Eileen?" Yelled Officer Rockard.