Up the Farce

"It'll just be the one weekend, my two day-shifts, that is all" Nigel Fairchild pleaded as Honey Darling looked on incredulously. She knew he must be serious because for once he wasn't staring at her tits. "I'm just putting together some things for my wife's surprise birthday and I need you to keep an eye on the hotel."

"Wasn't your wife's birthday a month ago?" Honey asked.

"Really? I mean, yes, so I only have eleven months to plan her next party, you can see why I need the time off" Nigel fibbed. "I'll give you double pay just to look in charge and not a word to the ball and chain OK? No matter what happens she cannot know. Hopefully she should be asleep the whole time anyway, but if you need help just wake her and tell her I nipped to the shops or something." Honey knew something was up but didn't want to incur Nigel's wrath by asking too many questions. Plus double pay for all day Saturday and Sunday, that would be enough to almost buy her an entire textbook for her psychology course at nearby Daventry University. Naturally she agreed and Nigel immediately picked up his bags and headed for the door.

Honey thought back on the total lack of training she had received in the past month since she got her summer job as the receptionist at The Happy Customer Hotel. She didn't know what possible justification Nigel had that she was capable of looking after everything, but, like an asthmatic with an inflatable sex doll, she was determined not to let him down. Worst case scenario his wife Eileen would be on hand if things went too wrong.

"Alright I'm off!" Eileen announced turning the corner, dragging a suitcase behind her. "Now don't forget our arrangement, you look after the night shifts for the weekend and not a word to the old man, he should be asleep the whole time anyway." Honey could have hit herself, she had already agreed to cover Eileen's night shifts on Friday and Saturday, she had no idea when she turned up for work Friday morning she wouldn't be leaving for 60 hours. She was lucky she knew her way around the coffee making facilities.

"Why can't Nigel know?" Honey asked.

"Well I'm planning a surprise party for his birthday." Eileen stated in a matter of fact way.

"Another one?" Honey blurted out without realizing, "one.. won... wonderful idea. Another wonderful idea." She clumsily corrected.

"Err thanks? Anyway I'm sure you have this covered, good luck, if you need anything just wake my husband and say I nipped to the shops or something" She yelled as she left the building, leaving Honey all alone.

Honey surveyed the quiet surroundings, reassuring herself that as long as things didn't get too wild she should be able to handle herself.

...

Nigel arrived at the train station just in time for his long expected train to get in, he had been cyber roleplaying with someone using the handle NaughtyNun and today they had finally arranged to meet. He was wearing a brown coat and had even bought a fake badge to complete the look for the role of Officer Rockard.

As the train pulled into the station, he saw a woman get off in a full nun's habit. He marvelled at how brazen NaughtyNun had been and excitedly speculated about what was under her billowing robes. He was about to go talk to her when another nun got off the train. One by one nine other nuns disembarked as Nigel desperately tried to figure out what was going on. The Nuns decanted towards a taxi but one chose to make her excuses, lag behind and walk straight over to Nigel.

"Are you Officer Rockard?" She asked. Nigel flashed his badge and gave her a knowing nod, aiming for aloof and confident but instead radiating the energy of a child playing dress up. "That's great, my real name is Sister Goodey Destiny, I have all the evidence of the embezzlement right here, like I said, Father Dickey has had his hands in our kitties for far too long." She handed Nigel a file. He felt the roleplay was getting a bit in depth but was willing to play along, he opened the file expecting maybe some naughty pictures or a fetish itinerary, instead he got pages of accounts data. He started to realise that maybe this nun had not been roleplaying after all.

"You can take as long as you want to go over these records, even though Father Dickey is the leader of our denomination, he is skipping most of the conference and is only due to arrive Sunday. Then it's as we planned, I go down on him hard and force a confession, you then ride me for the details. Any of my friends can join in as you don't mind if things get a bit sticky. You'll then get out the handcuffs and if anyone gets carried away you'll have your hard rod to hand so I can beat them off. Does that seem good to you?"

"In a way." Nigel responded through gritted teeth.

"Well I can't be gone too long, we'll meet at the hotel where we are having our purity conference. It's called The Happy Customer." Nigel's stomach dropped so hard some regions of Australia could tell what he had for lunch. He was about to call it all off and accept the inevitable betrayal and brow beating when Sister Destiny turned around. "This whole thing has shaken my faith in the Sisters of Purity, what if it has all been a scam? I have had such urges and if I have been repressing them for a fraudster, why not just toss aside this habit and immediately indulge in the carnal pleasures withheld from me for so long."

"Sister Destiny," Nigel announced with more determination than he had given anything in his life, "I promise to you I am going to crack this case wide open."

...

Honey sat at reception, watching the hours tick by and nursing her first of many coffees that day. Suddenly the front buzzer rang and honey snapped to attention. She opened the door to see a couple of taxis full of guests all arriving at the same time.

"Hello young lady." A respectable looking older gentleman greeted, doffing his bowler hat. "I am Davis Cumming, financial officer for the Daventry Swingers and Sex Games Association, it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance. I believe we have an event planned at your establishment for the duration of the weekend." Honey looked through the computer booking system and found that indeed they were booked in, they had event room 1 and the entire first floor rooms booked for the weekend. Honey got to work handing out keys and giving food serving times until everyone but Davis had departed.

"I'm afraid our president is running late, would it be contrary to the internal policies of your place of employment if I were to acquire her key and transfer it to her possession at a moment I find opportune, rather than put upon you more stresses for your employment" He offered. Honey took a moment to discern his meaning before mutely handing over the key. "My most sincere gratitude, now there is just one more matter to which I must sensitively indulge. Our group often engages in erotic contests, the nature of these contests are such that we may, on occasion, have need of an independent judiciary or referee. I must stress that there would be no professional ramifications to your declination, but would you be willing to accept such a role if we called upon you?" Once Honey had surreptitiously brought up the thesaurus website on her reception computer she was able to discern his request. She was a bit uneasy about being asked to judge who had 'won' and orgy but her desire for happy customers overrode her concerns.

"Absolutely, I am eager to help." She replied enthusiastically.

"Oh you are a good soul." Davis gushed. "Such dedication will of course be reflected in your tip."

"Oh I'm not doing it for the tips, I'm just happy to assist our guests." Honey smiled, trying to impress on Davis what a good employee she was.

"Oh, I see." Davis replied, mistaking Honey's compulsion to please with an inclination towards deviant pleasure. "Well if your interest is that deep then we are always welcoming new members, and if at any point you wish to join in with our merrymaking during the weekend, just let us know and we would be happy to accommodate you."

"Oh, I'll definitely consider it." Honey replied, not considering it for a second. Davis skipped back to his room and Honey slumped into her chair. She had barely sat down when the buzzer rang again, this time as she opened the door she found herself face to face with a dozen stone faced nuns.

"Blessings be with you young lady, I am Sister Nevar Sparingly with the Sisters of Purity. We have booked our conference here." Honey once again looked through the computer and found that indeed they had event room 2 and most of the second floor rooms for the weekend. Keys were handed out, pleasantries exchanged and one by one the nuns shuffled to their rooms and all that was left was Sister Nevar Sparingly.

"Young lady, did you choose to wear your skirt that short?" She asked. Honey looked down over her outfit and felt it was very conservative, she was wearing a white blouse with a professional black blazer and a pencil skirt that ended just below the knee. Nevertheless her desire to have every customer like her kicked in.

"Oh I wish it were longer, but I'm afraid it is my work uniform so I have to wear it."

"Ah I see, are you a woman of God or do you enjoy being forcibly sexualized?" Sister Sparingly pressed with a sadistic gleam in her eye.

"Oh I am deeply Christian." Honey lied, (the last time she was in a church a priest was dunking her in holy water and hoping her nappy didn't overflow). "I find my faith is enough to keep the lewd thoughts at bay."

"Oh I used to be like you, it is refreshing to see a chaste young lady in this sinful world." Honey thought back across her first year at University and felt she was as chaste as your average rabbit in spring, but didn't want to contradict the gushing nun. "I'll tell you what, once I have unpacked I will give you some tricks I've learned to keep sin at bay." Sister Sparingly offered, in the same way a killer whale offers an injured seal swimming lessons.

"Can't wait!" Honey squeaked out as Sister Sparingly trotted off to her room.

Honey was mentally weighing up how she could get enough aspirin to kill a horse when the buzzer rang again.

"Good afternoon." Squeaked a small mousy man in a brown suit. "I have a reservation to stay here for the weekend under the name of Smevins." Honey brought up his booking and was immediately suspicious, he was a single man booking into the hotel for the whole weekend, taking three meals a day with a gym and pool pass.

"So got anything special planned for the weekend." She asked, trying to make small talk.

"Oh I just like staying in hotels." He responded as if that wasn't something only a maniac would say. "I was just going to have some fun seeing all the things you have to offer." He continued like a weirdo. Honey kept up a pleasant facade but she knew something was up. The moment he had his room key and was out of sight she googled 'Smevins' and 'hotels' to check he wasn't a serial killer. What popped up on the screen was arguably worse.

The nearby Great Westchester hotel had recently had a stinging review by a hotel review blog called The Masked Weekender. So widely read was his blog that their bookings had plummeted. On her screen was a rant by one of the former employees who had guessed which guest was the Masked Weekender, they thought it was 'that weasely little creep who was going by the name Smevins'

"Forget Aspirin, I'm going to need a heroin injection directly into my skull by the time this weekend is over." Honey thought to herself.

...

The night passed smoothly enough, the occasional call for room service and one or two phone calls but nothing Honey couldn't handle. At 6am on the dot the nuns began to make their way downstairs for breakfast. Within half an hour the hotel had gone through a year's supply of plain, unflavored porridge and the nuns had decanted into their room, not before Sister Sparingly had caught Honey's eye and sauntered over to the front desk.

"You are a hard worker young lady, staying up all night attending to guest's needs, very good for keeping the mind off Satan's distractions. I have been thinking about our conversation last night and I feel I should help you." Honey wished for anything but. "Have you thought of chastity belts?" She asked.

"Oh, I've definitely had that idea, but I have faith and that is enough to keep me pure." Honey blagged, hoping the mad nun wouldn't follow up.

"Oh faith is strong and deep when you are young, but on the long nights when the doubts creep in and even the coldest showers cannot dispel my urges, I am always pleased that in stronger moments I locked away the devil's playthings, you really should get yourself one." Sister Sparingly ranted.

"Well that sounds like good advice." Honey lied, "I'll get one the moment my next paycheque clears." She fibbed further. This seemed to make the nun happy.

Next to breakfast was Mr. Smevins, who Honey went out of the way to check up on.

"Sleep well Mr. Smevins?" She asked.

"The bed was very comfortable, but I did struggle a bit with some noise from the adjoining room, it sounded like someone using a whip." The diminutive man squeaked.

"Oh dear, I am sorry, which room was the noise coming from and I'll ask them to keep their whipping to more sociable hours. Or if you wish I could move you to another room?" She offered.

"Oh no need to move me, just pass on to 25 that I can hear her through the walls." Honey looked at the bookings and saw that 25 was Sister Sparingly's room, that was a conversation Honey didn't mind putting off until later.

As Smevins left the first of the sex club began to trickle down, it was immediately obvious who was in the sex club as they had clearly picked a fancy dress theme for their first day. The local costume shop had clearly sold out of every costume with the adjective "sexy" on the cover and Honey was happy the nuns were early starters, hoping they were deep enough in prayer not to want refreshments before the sex club were concealed in their conference room.

"Well if it isn't our young aspirant." A sexy clown announced returning from breakfast. "I have been discussing with the gang your enthusiasm for our pursuits and they are excited at the prospect of your impartial gaze falling on them during whatever trials of humiliation should occur. Would it be possible to nail down a time slot for which your duties are of minimal enough burdon that you may spare some time for one such extravaganza?" Five minutes later when Honey had discerned the question behind his regurgitation of last night's episode of Countdown she thought through the day. The Nuns had organised that before their lunch they would be travelling to a nearby church, so Honey decided 11-12am would be the least risky time.

...

Nigel had spent the night in his car reading financial documents, he had no idea what he was doing. All he knew was Sister Destiny an actual factual nun, the holy grail of sexual exploits (and just as blasphemous as that metaphor). He crept up to the reception area, as he needed to sneak to his room and use his computer to research everything he could about citizen's arrest. He knew he couldn't be seen so he needed to wait for a distraction, as he approached the front desk he saw Honey talking to a clown wearing assless chaps and a thong.

"That'll do" he whispered to himself as he snuck past, he was no stranger to his hotel hosting fetish events and assumed another must be happening as he saw the clown asking about the sex toy cleaning facilities in event room 1. He was due to meet Sister Destiny at 11am when the rest went on a walk to a nearby church, so he had until then to come up with a plan.

...

No sooner has Nigel snuck in then another figure also crept up to the reception area looking to sneak past Honey. This figure was wearing a Nun's habit, but unlike the Sisters of Purity she was wearing a latex body wrap with a cloth robe and hood to cover her scandalous outfit.

Davis seemed to be coming to an end to his thesis on sexual liberation through butt-plugs while Honey nodded along, so the sexy nun quickly snuck into event room 2, her hood kept low. She had barely a moment to collect herself when she heard the door behind her.

"Sorry Sister your event is next..." Davis began, stopping as he saw Eileen Fairchild lower her hood. "Oh I am sorry madam president, did you know there's actual nuns next door? The girl at reception was saying we would have to be subtle in our indiscretions."

"Yet another shortcoming of this hotel, I can't believe you booked it without consulting me." Eileen had been furious about the choice of venue but couldn't tell the group why without giving away more about her life than she was comfortable with. The Daventry Swingers and Sex Games Association had a strict rules against married members joining without their husband or wife. She was already going by her maiden name 'Dover' and told everyone she worked at a library.

"Well this booking does come with one perk, the receptionist is actually very interested in joining our club." Davis bragged. Eileen was aware of her receptionist's penchant for lying out of politeness but decided not to correct Davis. "In fact she's coming to judge the Simon Says tournament at 11am today." Eileen kept a cool look on her face but inside she let out a scream that shattered three glasses in the neighbouring bar, she couldn't have Honey see her like this, that girl has a backbone made of blamanche, her husband would know within hours.

"Actually that reminds me, I have somewhere to be at 11am." Eileen exclaimed.

"But you're due to be the eponymous Simon."

"Well make the receptionist do it." Eileen insisted, Davis thought for a second.

"Simon needs to be in possession of a degenerate mind, that girl is just a newbie. How about you write out what your itinerary of orders and I'll have her read it out?" Davis suggested. Eileen didn't mind writing up a script if it got her out of this jam. Her mind working furiously, she began to scribble out a script while her club gathered in the conference room to press the flesh. Amongst the raw sexual atmosphere she had some naughty ideas to make things interesting for Honey.

...

Honey was already in desperate need of sleep by half 10am. She had agreed to serve tea for the nuns before their 11 o'clock excursion and had lost count of teabags three times. Soon she was wheeling tea into the room as the nuns heaped her with praise.

"This young lady is a picture of virtue." Sister Sparingly gushed. "It is a wonder to see such a specimen outside the convent walls."

"Is that so?" Sister Destiny added, sensing an opportunity. "Young lady, could you help us with a discussion we will be having of how we reach out to those outside the church? It would just be a quick chat tomorrow, we could even hold it in the area reception so as to not disrupt your duties." Honey blustered some half-hearted objections but all the nuns were so excited at the prospect that she had no choice but to agree to chat Sunday at 2pm.

Satisfied in their outreach the nuns filtered out to visit the church, Sister Destiny lagged behind to meet with Nigel, who was watched for Honey trudge into the next room before appearing.

"Officer Rockard, what did you uncover?" Sister Destiny enquired. Nigel was about to respond when a nun hurried out of the neighbouring conference room, her hood pulled low and cloak tight, she hurried into the nun's conference room. Nigel gawped, one of the nuns had gone to the sex event, were they all this horny?

"I'm afraid it's not good news, Father Dickey has been lying to you, the church appears to be a massive money laundering front." He bullshitted.

"Oh no, and to think we all gave so much of ourselves to his vision of purity, all this time we were women of human desires, we should have embraced that not hidden from it because some criminal told us to. I know the other girls will see it this way, when they find out they might just dirty themselves on the first man they see."