Welcome to the Club

I sat up on my Cervelo R3 as I coasted into the cul-de-sac where I lived with my significant other, Avril. I sucked electrolyte infused water from my Polar high-performance water bottle while I checked my stats on my Garmin Forerunner. Heart rate was 160 beats per minute and my average speed a brisk 21 miles per hour which wasn't bad considering that included traffic lights on my 22 mile commute from work. I turned into my driveway and nearly cursed. My neighbor, Angus "Tank" Hillman was working on his motorcycle again.

Avril was going to flip. As usual Angus had his garage door open and his 1980s rock music blaring. He claimed that he needed the door open to ventilate the garage and needed the music to concentrate. Avril preferred new age music; rock music grated on her nerves. I didn't mind the music, but I wished that Angus would at least wear clothes that fit. The site of his ass crack was enough to put me off my dinner.

I dismounted from my bike and crept to the front door, avoiding the garage, fearing that its sound would alert Angus to my presence.

"Howdy, neighbor," said Angus in his deep gruff voice. "How goes the war?"

"Hello, Angus." I leaned my bicycle against my house and walked over to the property line. "How are you on this fine spring day?"

"Another day above ground so I can't complain."

"Are you working on a new bike?" I asked, looking into his garage. The previous motorcycle had been blue and this one was black. "That doesn't look like the one you were working on last week."

"You got a good eye, chief. Yeah, I finished up the Fat Boy and now I'm working on a 1994 Sportster 883."

While Angus rambled about the history of Harley Davidson, how great their bikes were and the heydays of the great biker gangs, I wondered what I'd done in a previous life to deserve a neighbor like him. It must have been pretty horrendous.

Angus was so repulsive. We stood a good ten feet apart, he on his side of the property line and me on mine and I could still smell his stench. He reeked of grease, sweat, beer and cigar smoke. The last could be attributed to the cigar butt lodged in the corner of his mouth, but since he was never without a cigar it counted as part of him as far as I was concerned.

I'd been worried about seeing his ass crack earlier, but his front wasn't much better. I found myself wishing he'd remove the dirty bandana he used to keep his long, stringy black hair out of his face. If his hair wasn't pulled back it would hide the craggy, hairy mess that he called a face. He had a deep scar that ran along one cheek and a beard that looked like it hadn't been washed since he'd gotten out of prison two years ago. He wore a leather vest with a Hell's Angels emblem on the back, under which he wore a faded Harley Davidson t-shirt that looked like it may have fit 40 pounds ago. The thing strained against his barrel chest and hairy belly.

"Wow. That is so interesting. Thanks for sharing," I said when he'd finished his filibuster. "Listen, do you think you could turn down the music a tad?"

"You have a problem with my music?" Angus stepped across the property line. He puffed on his cigar as he looked down at me.

"No, not me," I said quickly. Besides being at least a head taller than me, he looked strong enough to lift one of his many motorcycles. "It's Avril; she has a hard time hearing her programs on NPR over your music."

Angus placed a massive paw on my shoulder and shook his head. "Just who wears the pants in your house, Milo?" I winced as he squeezed my shoulder. "Sure, I'll turn down the music."

"Thanks." I turned to leave.

"Say, have you tried those cigars I gave you for your birthday?"

"Not yet, Angus. I'm not much of a cigar smoker."

"Well, if you're not going to smoke them, would you mind bringing them over here? I'd hate to see quality cigars go to waste. And call me Tank, all right?"

Angus turned down the music as promised and I went inside and started in on dinner, a vegan lentil curry. Thirty minutes later Avril arrived home from work where she taught women's studies at Alder Creek Community College. She wore an ankle-length, hemp skirt and a beige, organic cotton blouse. Her light-brown hair was cut into a short bob. She never wore makeup since she felt that it was a male construct designed to keep women busy on unimportant matters. She also took issue with the animal testing involved with most makeup. Her bra was visible beneath her blouse, not that she really needed one. She had tiny A cups and was skinny to the point that some people thought she had a disorder.

We hugged and kissed and I once again thanked providence that allowed me to share life's journey with such a wonderful human being. We shared world views in general, but still had spirited debates. Such as the benefits of a plant based vegan diet versus a raw vegan diet or the best way to celebrate the earth and all the treasures she so generously shares with us. In her spare time Avril was an eco-activist and tri-athlete. I could out do her on a bike and I held my own swimming, but she left me in the dust on the marathon.

After dinner, we sat in the living room, Enya playing softy on the stereo, flickering candles our only light. Avril sat lengthwise on our wicker love seat with her feet in my lap, which I massaged. She had her eyes closed and looked like peace personified. My hands left her feet and slid beneath her skirt and massaged her calves. My plan was to continue my massage up her legs until I reached her inner thighs and then I'd make love to her in the candle light. Unfortunately our neighbor chose that moment to rattle our windows with AC/DC's "Hell's Bells".

Avril stiffened. "I thought you said that you talked to him." She pulled her legs away from me and sat up.

"I did. Apparently it wasn't enough. I'll talk to him again." I stood and headed to the bedroom.

"Our inconsiderate neighbor isn't in the bedroom, Milo."

"I'm getting a peace offering."

I grabbed the box of cigars from my closet and looked at the label. The bust of a red, winged devil stood over the words "Fausto". The cigars looked expensive. Avril waited for me at the front door, her arms crossed and a scowl on her face. I slipped on my Birkenstocks beneath her glare. I found Angus in his garage, bent over his motorcycle, showing his ass crack to the world.

"I have your cigars, Angus," I said once I was able to get his attention.

"Thanks buddy. Why don't you have one with me," Angus said around the long cigar already in his mouth.

"No thanks. Look, can you turn down the music?"

"You've got to at least try one of these cigars. There's nothing else like them."

"Thank you, but no."

"Tell you what. Try one of the cigars and I'll be a church mouse for a whole week." He walked over to his stereo and touched the volume knob. "So, is it a yes?" He turned the music down to a whisper. "Or a no?" He cranked the music until my ears felt like they were going to implode.

"I'll try one," I screamed.

He smiled and hit the power button, the resulting silence was heavenly. "Prepare to have your life changed."

Angus set his cigar on a workbench and took the wooden cigar box from me. He opened it and removed one of the long, thick cigars. He ran it under his nose, seeming to savor the aroma. He removed a buck knife from his belt.

"Got to make a hole first," Angus said as he cut the pointy end of the cigar.

He flicked his lighter to life, a light blue flame shot out with a hiss. He rolled the tip of the cigar over the flame. It reminded me of roasting marshmallows as a child. Once the tip began to glow he handed the cigar to me.

"Take a small amount in your mouth and hold it for a couple seconds and then let it out."

I took the cigar from Angus, scarcely believing what I was about to do. I'd never smoked any form of tobacco before, but if it meant a week of quiet I was ready to do almost anything. I sucked hot smoke into my mouth. I wanted to blow it out right away. Angus, seeming to sense this, held up a hand, indicating that I shouldn't exhale. After several seconds he finally gave me a nod and I blew the smoke out.

"How was that?" he asked.

"It tastes better than it smells," I said in an attempt to say something nice about the experience.

Angus relit his cigar and filled the air between us with smoke. It didn't smell nearly as noxious as it had a few minutes earlier.

I took another drag and then rolled the smoke around my mouth, like how I sampled wine. I detected a strong smoke flavor with smoky undertones. I blew out the smoke. I wasn't much of a cigar connoisseur. I figured that I'd stick to organic wine.

"So, how do you pay the rent?" Angus leaned against his work bench. He rolled his cigar as he took another deep drag.

"I'm the web designer for Earth Mother. We make eco friendly maternity wear." I drew again on my cigar, finding the taste a bit more tolerable. "So, what is it that you do for a living, Angus?"

"Call me Tank. I'm not punching a clock. I'm still living off a big score I made from before I went inside. Right now I'm restoring hogs. I'm going to put together a new crew."

"What kind of crew, Tank?"

"I used to run with the Angels." Angus pointed at his back. "But, we had a parting of the ways. Then I did the time. Now I'm going to put my own motorcycle club together. I'm almost done with the bikes, now I just need to work on the crew."

"Sounds like fun. I wish you lots of luck." I wondered if Avril and I should move. I did not like the idea of living next to the leader of a biker gang.

"Okay, time to smoke like a man. After pulling the smoke into your mouth you need to suck it into your lungs."

"I thought that you weren't supposed to inhale cigar smoke."

"I bet you've smoked pot. Be pretty pointless if you didn't inhale, wouldn't it."

I couldn't argue with that logic. I sighed. I'd gone this far, a couple inhales wouldn't kill me. I took a small drag and then sucked the smoke into my lungs. I started to gag. Angus sprang at me. He clamped his hand on my chin, holding my mouth shut.

"Don't cough," he ordered. "Hold it like a man."

The room began to spin. I finally released the smoke through my nose. It tickled. Angus smiled and then removed his hand. I sneezed.

"What the hell, Tank?"

"Sorry about that, chief. Choking on your first real drag could ruin you as a cigar smoker."

"I do not intend to be a cigar smoker and assaulting me isn't going change my mind."

"Yeah, but how did it taste?"

I thought about it for a second. "Not bad actually. But, I'm done for tonight." I held the cigar out to him.

"You've just started that thing." Angus took a puff off his cigar while he stared at the smoldering cigar in my hand. "Tell you what. Take one more drag, a real drag and I'll consider the cigar smoked and our deal will stand."

"Fine." I drew on the cigar for a long while, filling my entire mouth with smoke. I held it, fearing that I'd taken in too much. I considered blowing it out uninhaled, but I didn't want Angus making more statements about my manhood or lack of it. I breathed in the hot smoke and fought the urge to cough. I felt like I was floating as I held my breath. My skin tingled as a surge of pleasure coursed through my body. I exhaled and Angus smiled.

"Welcome to the club," he said with a devilish grin and then slapped me on the back.

I took one more long puff for the road and then handed Angus the cigar.

I felt energized as I walked home. I felt strong. I felt manly. I felt horny. Avril was in the bedroom, laying in bed and feigning sleep. I stripped and then joined her. She lay on her side, facing the wall. I kissed her neck and fondled her tiny breasts, my erection poking her thigh.

"You reek," she said as she brushed my hand away from her breasts.

"Angus was smoking a cigar while I talked to him. It took some convincing, but he agreed to keep the music down all next week."

Avril rolled over and glared at me. I kissed her.

"And why do you have cigar breath? Please tell me you weren't smoking one of those foul things."

"It was all part of the deal." I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close. "Let's make love. I want you so bad right now."

"Take a shower and wash that stink off you. And brush your teeth. Your breath is turning my stomach."

"Okay, but then after, let's make love. I need you tonight."

"I don't think so, Milo. If he keeps the music off like you promise, then maybe later in the week."

I took a quick shower. As I dried myself something seemed off about my body. I realized it was the hair on my arms and legs; it looked darker and thicker. I looked in the mirror. My chest hair was darker as well. I figured it must have something to do with the lighting. I never took showers at night.

************

The following day, when I arrived home from work, something seemed different. At first I couldn't put my finger on what it was. Angus was in his garage, working on his motorcycle. That was normal. He looked up and waved, a cigar sticking out of his mouth. That was fairly normal as well. The birds were chirping and I could hear the wind rustle through the leaves of the tree. That wasn't normal. I realized that Angus had his music turned down. He'd kept his promise. Avril would be so pleased. I leaned my bike against my house and walked over to Angus's garage.

"Thanks for keeping the music down." I could smell his cigar. It didn't bother me today.

"A deal is a deal," Angus said. "You got a spare moment?"

"Sure. What do you need?"

"I'm trying to get this bolt off. I need you to hold this wrench and stop it from turning while I work on the nut. It's rotating on me and I can't reach both sides."

I knelt down and held the wrench. Angus knelt on the opposite side of the motorcycle. He used a socket wrench on the nut. He grunted as he tried to get the thing to turn. He stopped after half a minute, sprayed the nut with WD-40, the smell of oil mixed with his cigar smoke. He grabbed the wrench with both hands and put his whole body into it, his face turning red and tendons standing out on his neck. He puffed on his cigar furiously. Suddenly he jerked as the nut came free and he smiled. He ratcheted the wrench back and forth quickly and, after a few seconds, the nut fell to the ground.

"Thanks, chief." Angus stood and walked over to a plastic cooler. He pulled out two cans of Budweiser and tossed one to me. "I've been trying to get that nut loose for the last hour. I was about to take a sledgehammer to the fucking thing."

I popped the tab on the beer and took a sip. I'm a wine drinker normally and when I do have a beer, I usually go for an import. The ice cold Bud really hit the spot though. I took a second, longer drink and belched.

Angus had a cigar in his hand. He was using a lighter to toast the end. I wondered what he was doing. He already had a half smoked cigar in his mouth. When the tip of the cigar began to smolder nicely he handed it to me. I stared at it for a moment and then brought it to my mouth. I took a long drag and sucked the smoke into my lugs. The floaty feeling returned. I exhaled and took another gulp of beer. I smiled and put the cigar in my mouth.

"You want any more help with your hog?" I asked around my cigar.

"Do bears shit in the woods?

"You know, it's pretty quiet in here. We're going to need some tunes."

Tank smiled. "I was hoping you'd say that."

I was working on Tank's ride and my second cigar when Avril stormed into the garage. I didn't see her at first. All my attention was on the carburetor in my hands. I was taking it apart so I could clean out the built up gunk.

"What are you doing, Milo?" Avril screamed, trying to be heard over Judas Priest blaring through Tank's speakers.

I looked up to see Avril and her friend Daisy. Avril looked pissed. Daisy looked lost. Daisy stood five-three, weighed around 180 pounds, and rarely spoke. She talked to Avril, they'd been best friends since grade school, but she didn't talk to me or anyone else as far as I knew. Daisy was single and had been for as long as I'd known her.

"Just a sec," I yelled back. I picked up a rag and wiped some of the grease off my hands. I hit the power on the stereo. "That's better. Now I can hear you." I drew on my cigar. I removed it and said, "What can I do you for?" I exhaled through my nose as I drained the last of my Bud. I tossed the can onto the pile with the rest of the empties.

"What the hell is going on? Why are you over here? Why are you working on a motorcycle and listening to that atrocious music? Why are you smoking?" She had her arms crossed over her chest. Daisy looked like she wanted to hide.

"I'm helping Tank with his bike. You know, being neighborly. Sorry about the music, I meant to turn it off before you got home, but I lost track of time."

"Where is the Neanderthal, anyway?" Avril asked.

"He's on a beer run. He's also getting a large meat lovers from Pizza Hut."

"You don't eat pizza unless its vegan and gluten free."

Her words felt like water in the face. She was right. I didn't smoke or drink domestic beer. I looked at the carburetor. Yesterday I would've had a hard time pointing out a carburetor on a motor and today I'd removed one on my own. I shook my head. I dropped the cigar to the ground and crushed it with my shoe.

"I don't know what happened, Avril. I came over here to thank Angus for keeping the music off and next thing I know I'm smoking, drinking and working on his motorcycle with him. It was like I was possessed or something. I'll take a shower and then make us some dinner."

"Don't bother. Daisy and I are going out." Avril stormed off with Daisy in tow. They climbed into Avril's Nissan Leaf and drove away.

I went home, took a shower and brushed my teeth. As I dressed there was a knock on my door. It was Angus. He had the box of Fausto cigars in his hand.

"You forgot these," he said as he held the box out toward me.

"I don't think I'm going to be smoking anymore. Avril saw me smoking and she got really pissed and took off."

"You can't let your woman tell you how to live your life, chief. You tell her how it's going to be. If you want to smoke cigars, then fucking smoke."

"I guess you're right," I said, taking the box from him.

"Why don't you come back over? I've got lots of beer and pizza."

"Sounds tempting, but I'm going to call it a night."

I closed the door, grabbed my laptop and headed to my bedroom. As I stashed the cigars in my closet I thought about Tank's words. I still wasn't sure if I wanted to smoke anymore, but if I did then Avril would need to live with it. I turned on NPR and started reading my favorite blog, "EarthNow!". Neither gave me pleasure. After ten minutes I switched the radio from NPR to a classic rock station. I found a Wikipedia article on Harley Davidson and started reading.

Avril wasn't home when I went to bed. She'd texted me and let me know that she and Daisy were going to have a girl's night at the club. Seeing as how it was Friday and neither of worked on Saturday, it was likely that she wouldn't be home until the bars closed. I'd thought about texting my friend Wexley to see what he was up to, but I was beat.

I woke to the sound of a crash followed by girlish laughter. I sat up to find Avril on the ground, half undressed laughing her head off. I glanced at the clock. It read 2:30am. I got out of bed and helped my drunk girlfriend undress.

"I'm sorry. I didn't want to wake you," she slurred.

"It's okay, Avril. Do you need to pee before you get in bed?"

She shook her head. "You're so sweet, Milo. I'm sorry I got mad earlier. You can be friends with Angus if you want." She stared at me for a long moment. "Why are there two of you?"

I laughed and helped her into bed. I went to the kitchen and filled a glass with water, figuring that Avril would want it in the morning. I also grabbed a bucket, just in case she got sick in the night.