We're Sluts for Stats

"All real live ones, yeah."

"OK, so I've had about half a dozen guys, plus seen a few at hen's nights and such. I can't really recall any guy with a porn size cock. Unfortunately. Jo, what about you? Just an estimate. I can't count that high."

Jo poked out her tongue. "Jealousy's a curse. But, I can't actually remember any really big dicks. Thin ones, one with a wicked hook to the left, a couple of Asian guys that were short but fat. No one that was hung like the proverbial."

"Ok, ok." Daryl stood and started pacing. "So, on average, is it fair to say normal guys' dicks are within a certain size range?"

The other two nodded.

"And penis size is an anatomy issue - your area of study, Jo. And averages are statistics, which are ours - Vick."

"Well, yeah. But I don't see..."

"Hang on, hang on. Give me a sec." Daz walked into the kitchen and came back with another beer. "Try this. A project to determine the current average penis size and its application to the condom industry. Covers all three areas."

"Well, I guess it fits. I don't know if old Jonesy will go for it though. It's a bit out of the ordinary." Jo said, dubiously.

"Actually, I think Daz is onto something. He can't really argue against projects that can have commercial applications. He's always harping on about them needing to be practical," Vicky said. "It's just a matter of how we present it."

"Ok. I guess it's better than no idea. I suppose we could tie it into previous research to determine how relevant it is." Jo said.

"Yeah, that's a good idea. See how they were carried out and improve on the process." Daz dropped into the beanbag beside Vicky, which nearly bounced her out. "You know, I reckon this could work, and be a hell of a lot more fun than some of the other projects I heard the others were doing."

"Yeah. Artistic influences on the 19th century working class female citizens of Melbourne. Pretentious fucks," Jo snorted. "Anyway, what are we watching now?"

"I'd like to watch some BBC's gangbang someone," Vicky said. "I was all psyched up to see you getting your vag pummeled by a big dick and I feel a bit let down."

"Yeah, I'll go with that except the girl has to be a little redhead who gets all her holes drilled at the same time. There's something about the contrast in skin tones moving around that excites me," Daz said.

"You really do like redheads. I thought it was just guys that were visual," said Vicky, snuggling under Daz's arm and resting her head on her friend's breast.

"I'm nearly a mechanical engineer. I love watching a good DP. It's like watching a steam engine. I get off on admiring parts moving in synchronisation. The coordination required..."

"Never get me to do that. Anal just doesn't interest me."

"Never say never, LittleRed. Take it from me. Arse fucking can be fun."

=====

"I'm amazed at the number of studies that've been done," Jo said, shaking her head. "There's nearly a hundred in the US Library of Medicine alone."

"No shit Sherlock. Guys always want to know how their junk compares with each other." Daryl leafed through the pages Jo had printed out and highlighted. "Well, let's cut it down to ten years. Anything based in Australia?"

Vicky shook her head. "Not that I can find. A few references to the average, but not how it was determined."

"Hmm. That's interesting. So we can give ours an Aussie edge. That's a bonus. I'm glad Jonesy liked the idea. I'm actually excited about it."

"I guess it was the commercial application that did it. Or he wanted to know how he compared," Jo giggled.

"Don't know, don't care, he's approved the concept," said Daz. "Right, so where to? I suppose cull the list and start entering the results into a spreadsheet, along with any relevant comments."

"Yeah, sounds good. Tell you one thing, from the quick read I did of some summary articles, a lot of the research methodology was pretty bad. Like, they relied on guys self-measuring." Jo said. "Of course, that was going to be accurate..."

Vicky looked up from her laptop. "I read the same, but I found something interesting on a condom manufacturer's website. It's a bit outside the time range - 2001, but they set up in a back room of a Tijuana nightclub and asked for volunteers to be measured by medical staff. They got about 400."

"Ok, that is interesting. Must have had some good looking nurses to get them hard." Jo said. "If they looked like some of the old matrons I worked with, they'd be a real boner killer."

"Apparently only 75% got hard enough to measure. And the result was an average erect penis length of 5.877 inches, with a standard deviation of 0.825 inches. About 54% of the effective sample measured between 5.5 inches and 6.3 inches." Vicky read out loud. She looked at Daryl. "I hope you understood that."

"Huh, yeah. Ok, that raises a few questions but the methodology is fine. Having an impartial person measure your dick means you can't fudge the number, and the way it's measured is consistent. Still, 300 doesn't seem a lot when you're talking about a population in the millions. I guess they did it in the US spring break time to catch the college students." Daryl scratched her nose. "Well, I guess your statistics lesson starts here. They measured 300 guys. The average length was, say 5.88. Ok?"

The other two nodded.

"Right, so the SD, standard deviation, calculates the spread of data away from the mean - that's the average most people understand. For most living things, around 68% of all measurements are plus or minus one SD. So for that study, most dicks are..." Daryl did a quick calculation on her phone. "Between 5.05 and say 6.7."

"Errg... my brain hurts already," said Jo, rubbing her temples. "So what about the rest?"

"Well, the rules state that 99.7% of all measurements will be within three standard deviations of the mean. That means the largest dick would be about... 8.34 inches. Not bad. Doesn't mean there wouldn't be any bigger ones, just highly unlikely."

"And at the other end is a tiddler of about three inches. Poor bloke." giggled Vicky.

"Yeah, I've seen a couple of those," Jo said. "Ok, so I'll take your word about the maths. We've got a concept, comparable studies, and a commercial output. Now, who are we going to measure, and how?"

"Well, how many also comes into it. You can't measure everyone, so you need to figure out how many measurements will give you a reasonable idea of the whole lot. A random sample of the whole population." Daz replied.

"Ok, that I can see. So what about we use census data? That will give us the population of Australia, and you can work back from there," Jo suggested.

"Yeah, yeah, that will work," Daryl said thoughtfully. "Vick, can you jump on the census website and pull up the latest population stats. All males."

"No worries, give me a sec... Ok. So in the last census, there were 11,546,638 men."

"Shit. Hang on. That's... ummm. We'd have to measure 385 blokes."

"How'd you work that out?" Vicky asked.

"You really want to know?"

"Not particularly, but I guess I should."

"Ok, because you can't measure everyone, you need to run a formula to figure out how many you need to be confident your answer is pretty good. The more you measure, the better the accuracy. I made an assumption that 95% accuracy and 5% margin of error were good enough. It's still a big number."

"Well," said Jo, "not all males will buy condoms. Can we thin it down a bit?"

Vicky looked at the data table on the screen. "Well, how about just men between 20 and 24? That's only 795,423 and would fit into the Uni student age group. We could add the next range..."

"No, no, that's... Shit. That works out to be 384. Bugger. Guess there's a point where it doesn't matter what your sample size is compared to the total. Ok, so let's just keep the accuracy level and increase the margin of error to 10%." She ran the calculations again and slumped back in her chair. "Well, that's 97. Crap. Better, but how are we going to convince 100 guys to let us measure their dicks? And where are we going to find that many?"

"We're pretty good looking. If you were a guy and Jo asked to see your cock, would you say no?" Vicky said.

"Well, probably not. But I'm not exactly the most attractive woman around," Daryl replied, waving at her body.

"I love your Sherman tank look. Besides, you still have bits guys like. You said yourself the engineers love you in a tank top. Just show a bit of boob, or in your case, a lot. You really can't show just a little," Jo said, smiling.

"Thanks for that backhanded vote of confidence, bitch. Anyway... I guess a hundred is manageable. Makes the Mexican 300 sample look large, and probably quite accurate. It'll be interesting to compare results." Daz stood and stretched. "So where, and when?"

"I doubt we'd get permission from Uni to set up anywhere on campus. And personally, I'd prefer to get it done as soon as. I'm imagining the comments and the mess we're going to get handling one hundred cocks. I'll need a week to wash my brain clean." Vicky said, screwing up her nose.

"What about the Royal?" Jo asked. "They've got that conference room upstairs. I'm sure Georgie would put in a good word for us."

"Possible, possible, although Georgie will be off for a while. She sliced a finger wide open on a broken glass," Daz said. "I took her to the hospital, then home."

"Ouch. That's no good. Why'd you get the job? The pub should've just called for an ambulance."

"I sort of thought it was my fault. Some guy nudged a pot and it broke on the bench. Georgie was picking up the bits and I started talking to her. She looked up and grabbed a handful of glass. Nasty." Daryl shivered at the thought. "I wrapped a handful of napkins around it and we went out the back. Georgie didn't want to go to the hospital, particularly in an ambulance. Her boss and I convinced her that she had to go, but she insisted I drove her."

"Aww, that's sweet of you. Just a local and stitches?" asked Jo. "And then home?"

Daryl flicked her middle finger towards Jo. "Andy offered us a bit of incentive to keep it quiet. Most of the bar staff are working cash in hand, so a Workcover claim would be bad." She stood and headed to the kitchen. "Yeah Jo, it was pretty deep and ragged. The Doc's were debating if they should put her completely under as they were worried about nerve damage. Anyway, the local won and they'll monitor her. After about three hours we headed back to her place, and I... Ummm... Stayed the night."

Vicky closed the lid of her laptop. "Ummm... Stayed the night," she repeated. "That doesn't sound like you just slept on the couch."

"Well, no I didn't. I was going to, but she was pretty doped up with painkillers. Couldn't get undressed, particularly her bra so I gave her a hand." Daz said and passed coffee to the other two. "God, she's gorgeous. Wish I had a body like that. Anyway, so she's standing there naked and starts giggling her head off. Reckon she's been trying to get me into her bedroom for ages, and all it took was to nearly slice her finger off."

"She is hot," agreed Vicky. "And really nice. I like her a lot."

"Yeah, so anyway I got her into bed - shut up Jo, and we just talked for a while. It was something like 4 am, and I fell asleep beside her."

Vicky took a sip of her coffee and looked hard at Daryl. "There's more. I can tell by that look. Come on, spill. We're all friends. We've all done it. Together."

Daryl sipped her coffee and thought. Finally, she said, "Ok, but keep it to yourself. Georgie made me promise to keep it quiet from everyone. I finger fucked her. The painkillers were wearing off and she wanted something to take her mind off things and that would help her fall asleep. So I offered to have sex with her."

The other two stared at her. Finally, Jo said, "You offered? To have sex with Georgie? Nice..."

Daz shrugged, "It was. She was so close to crying, it wasn't funny. She was still in a fair bit of pain. She rolled over to hug me, and just snuffled into my shirt. I held her and started to lightly rub her back. She started to relax, then kissed me. I kissed her back and basically thought, 'Fuck it. Why not?' I don't get many offers full stop."

"Why not indeed? And..."

"I squeezed her bum and she tried to get under my shirt with her bung hand. Didn't work, so I stripped off. She just stared, then smiled that smile at me. Said I was beautiful, a real Amazon. Strong, brave, smart, and I looked amazing. Total bullshit, but..."

"You're too hard on yourself," said Jo. "If us lot and Georgie reckon you look good, take the fucking compliment girl! Sheese..."

"I guess. Just not used to people wanting to be with me because of who I am, not because of what I have." Daz looked at her empty coffee cup. "Should've bought some bickies."

"Yes. Yes, you should have. Remind me to get some Tim Tams tomorrow. They'll help make your coffee taste better," Vicky said. "So..."

"So, some chocolate biscuits would be good. Oh, that." Daz chuckled, "Just what you'd expect. We ran our hands over each other, just feeling the sensation. She had me in goosebumps, so light but determined. Wasn't like most guys, didn't just grab my tits or my cunt straight up. I don't mind a bit of rough play, but it was nice not to be just mauled then fucked. She rested her head on my boobs and just blew at my nipple. When it was up, Georgie fluttered her eyelashes over it. Unbelievably sexy."

"Shit..." said Jo.

"Yeah. So, I reciprocated. I told her just to lie back and let me look after her. Didn't need to tell her twice. I started with some light kissing from her head to her toes, then slowly massaged her back up. Just tried to relax her. Worked her legs, then moved to the arms and neck and head. I have to thank you Jo for the massage lessons. They really helped."

Jo waved a hand dismissively, "No worries. Glad you could make good use of it."

Daz smiled. "Georgie loved it. I reckon she was purring. Anyway, so I could tell she was really relaxed. I started over her body, going in circles with my fingertips. Went over everything, but didn't linger. Just enough to let her know I hadn't forgotten her bits. I changed to the palm of my hand and pressed a bit harder. She was starting to sigh and worm around, so I sucked on her tits and kneaded her mound, just staying away from her clit. Nicely trimmed landing strip. Suits her. Anyway, I kissed down and gave her dot a nibble. The moan she let go - unfucking believable. I swear it came up from her toes..."

"Speaking from experience, deep out of her vagina. Your oral skills are amazing. I don't know how you do it." Vicky said, sighing at the memory of Daryl between her legs.

"No idea where I learned that, but I'm glad you liked it. Georgie certainly did. She pushed my head down harder, so I took the hint and really buried my face in her. I went straight in deep with two fingers. So wet and creamy. Puts you to shame, Jo. And her taste! I'm embarrassed to say I could drink a cup of Georgie any day."

"On the rocks, or neat?" asked Jo sarcastically. "Geez... Is there anything not fantastic about that woman?"

Daryl laughed, "She's an arts major, so there's that. But yeah, she's really sweet. Just a really nice, genuine and lovely girl."

"Sounds like you've changed tracks, Daz," Vicky said, smiling. "Just needed the right incentive."

"No, just deviated a bit. I know who I am and what I want - Chris Hemsworth banging me hard. Until he comes along, I'll take what I can get."

"Ata girl. You've finally come over to the dark side, where sex is all about fun, not labels," Jo said, lightly punching her friend on the shoulder. "If I'd followed the light, I'd still be a virgin and engaged to a Chinese student doctor my parents had picked out."

"Mmm... That would be a strange corner of the multiverse," Daz chuckled and shook her head. "A compliant Josephine at home with two little tackers learning violin and oboe, an SUV, and a boring husband. And no side guys..."

"Oi! Georgie - remember, you were talking about Georgie. I hate it when you wander off on a tangent," Vicky pouted. "Geez, leave us hanging. I don't know..."

Daryl laughed, "And you reckon I've changed teams. You're more fluid than either of us."

"Not really. Just with you guys when alcohol is involved. Or porn. Or..."

"Or anything that gets you worked up. We know, and we love you for it. So, yeah, I'm tugging Georgie's clit with my teeth and polishing it with my tongue. I'm in deep with my fingers, twisting and sliding in and out. She's staring at the roof, mouth open and panting, occasionally giving a little whimper. I start talking to her, well, more like mumbling 'cause I didn't want to let her go. I slipped in a third and took a punt on where her spot would be. It was a pretty good guess because she let go this almighty groan and just sank into the bed."

"A big one?" asked Jo.

"Yup. She was very happy. I snuggled up beside her and we fell asleep. Woke up around 10, and she reciprocated."

"Guess she was feeling a bit better," Jo said.

"Oh, yes. Finger was throbbing, but her others worked well. And everything else." Daz smiled brightly at the memory and looked up. "Anyway, so I don't think she could help at the moment. Although Andy... Hmm. Might be able to call in that favour."

"Well, glad she's ok and I hope there's no lasting damage. Let's leave the Royal as Plan 'B' then," Vicky said thoughtfully, swirling her coffee. "Dunno if Andy would want the pub to be associated with something like this. Probably better in a neutral area, somewhere there'll be a lot of guys wandering around. We want to have a wide range of participants."

"What about a music festival?" asked Jo. "You know, one of those three-day ones that have onsite camping. We get a big tent, set it up on the outskirts of the paddock, and away we go."

"I can just see you camping," Daz said dryly. "Portable dunnies, no shower, no power for your hairdryer, sleeping on the ground. Still, the numbers and target sample would be right. The organisers might take a dim view of what we were up to, though. The last thing I want to happen is to be arrested for something ranging from conducting an indecent act to prostitution."

"Wouldn't be prostitution. No money is involved, but that's a fair point. We would have to talk to the organisers, but make what we were doing a bit vague. Just say we were compiling measurements of adult males, but miss the part of what we were actually measuring." Vicky said. She opened her computer and did a quick search. "There's some good ones in the next couple of months, a folk festival - yuck, and a few later in the year. Probably getting too late for those to get the data and do some analysis."

Daryl laughed, then became serious. "Get the data. I like that. We're planning to look at a ton of cock. How are we going to get guys to come to us and give us their 'data'? You know, they might want some incentive..."

The three looked at each other.

Vicky started chewing on her bottom lip. "Umm, I didn't think of that. I sort of assumed they'd come in hard, we'd measure them up, and then send them on their way. I guess... we could, umm... give them a handjob. As a... thank you? It would also make sure they were umm, suitably hard..."

"I suppose. Did that study give you any clues to how they managed it, Vick?" Daz asked. "Personally, I prefer giving guys a blowjob over a hand job. Less messy."

"No, it was pretty thin on the details. I suppose we could email them. And ewww... Thirty each?" Vick replied.

"I wouldn't worry about chasing them up. I reckon they had a heap of porno mags or iPads loaded up with porn for guys to watch. Sort of like sperm donor waiting rooms," Jo said, shrugging.

"I'll take your word for that. I guess we'd have to be willing to do some manual handling to speed things up." Daz replied. Sighing, she stood and asked, "Drinks, anyone?"