What I Need to Happen

Author's thought before writing: Even though I know you are not coming to see me this weekend my brain keeps playing the same scenario over and over again. I know that it's playing this because it is the things that I was craving the most. I, of course, wanted the whole scene that we planned but my heart is craving something way less but way more intimate.

Author's thoughts after writing: As I began to write this it took on a life of its own. It became everything I feel inside. As I edit I feel such pain in my chest. I want to cry. But then again I don't. I know why you are not coming to see me. I do. I completely understand. However, that does not make me want to see you less. If anything it makes it more. I know this story is completely fictional and will more than likely not ever happen.

"I'm pulling into town now" you text along with Google maps directions to your hotel room.

I have already been in town for an hour anxiously awaiting your arrival. The last month has been so painful. I missed you so much and you were going through probably one of the most tumultuous times of your life. I try to breathe as I drive to the LA Quinta but my heart won't let me. I can't seem to shake all the angst and insecurities that these past weeks have caused.

I arrive before you. This allows me time to compose myself and my thoughts. This night will be what it will be. I have no expectations except time. I crave the feel of your body heat, the roughness of your hands in mine, the sound of your voice in my ear. It's hard to imagine we only met 2 and a half months ago and you have become such a substantial part of my life.

I feel awkward sitting here in my tight light wash jeans and baggy tshirt because for so long I had imagined wearing the pink dress that you had picked out for me. However, I know this night is for healing not sex and that dress would have lead to it being torn off.

You pull up next to me in your truck. You step out and go to check in. I wait a few minutes and step out of my car to wait on you. As you walk out of the office I watch your body and face. You look completely worn out, the lines in your face deeper but your strong shoulders are set.

You look up and see me. Your eyes light up and a grin forms on your face. I've claimed that look as my look even though I know it's been there for many years before you met me. I have craved that look. You stop mid way to the parking lot and hold your arms open. I half run/walk to you. I do not even try to contain myself. I make it to you and throw my arms around your waist as you embrace me around my shoulders. My head pressed firmly against your chest. You are warm and firm against me. I can hear your heart beating fast but slowing. Your breath moving my head ever so slightly. Your embrace tightens, so does mine. My eyes have involuntarily closed to soak you all in. This feeling right here is what I have longed for. True connectedness to you.

We stand there embracing each other until a car horn knocks us out of our own little world. We look up and laugh. You grab my hand and walk us back to our vehicles. I honestly wish the walk would have been longer. Your hand feels so rough and strong holding mine. It's like those are the only 2 body parts that we have. You squeeze my hand and let go.

I look into your face and realize we have not said one word to each other yet. You grin again and open your truck door to get your bag. I follow and grab mine out of the backseat of my car. We meet in the middle of the two vehicles. You bend down and graze my forehead with your lips and start walking to the room. I follow.

I can't help but check you out as you walk. You look so strong from behind. Large broad shoulders pulling your tshirt tighter at the top. Perky full ass in your jeans. You are so attractive. Almost like you are made just for me to look at. As we are walking I have mini flashbacks of the last time we met. Maybe it's the jeans. Maybe it's the belt. I shake my head and remind myself that this trip is not for such things.

We make it to the room. Continuing the silence. You unlock the door and walk in. I follow. We both put our bags down next to each other. You turn and embrace me again. In the same stance as before. This time I know we won't have to let go until we want to. I can feel my emotions starting to build, first in my stomach, up to my chest, and then in my throat. I start to panic. I do not want to cry. I can't cry. I do not want you to see. I not want to show you how hard these 2 months have been not feeling you, not being connected to you, not knowing how you feel about me.

You pull away slightly and look down at me as the first tears escapes my eyes. I see the look of shock and pain go across your face. I try to pull you back to me so I can hide my face. You won't let me. Finally the silence is broken.

"Why are you crying, baby?" you ask with a thick voice.

"I have missed you." Is all I could muster for a response as the tears really start flowing.

You sit on the end of the bed and pull me to stand in front of you. I close my eyes. Willing the tears to stop. Begging and pleading them to stop. "This day is not for your emotions!" I scold myself inwardly.

You look up at me and repeat. "Why are you crying?"

I open my eyes and repeat with a really unsteady voice "because I really missed you. "

"No, that's too many tears for missing me. Those are pain tears."

"I don't know how else to say it. Every fucking part of me has missed every fucking part of you." I say as anger takes over me and the tears begin to stop.

I realize at this moment I am mad at you. Mad that we met and had such an extreme connection. You gave me everything in 2 days that I never knew I needed. Mad that we had one month of everything nice, whole, raw, and real. Then one month of my insecurities screaming at me because I was missing you and you weren't missing me. That whole month of feeling selfish because all I wanted was you but your life was fucked and you didn't have room for me. I felt all your pain and I didn't know if you felt me at all.

As I look at your face I realize that I have been saying all this out loud. You look pissed. Hurt. Almost as if I had just slapped you. Your eyes are on fire. I melt to the floor and kneel at your knees. My head turned down looking at the floor "I'm sorry" I whisper "I did not mean to say that all out loud."

You grab my chin and make me look at you. Our eyes meet but neither of us say anything. Finally, after several minutes you say in a slow even but growling tone "I did miss you."

You take a deep breath to begin saying something else but change your mind. I look at you quizzically "What were you going to say?"

You sigh again and shake your head. The growl is gone but the thickness remains "I did miss you. I tried so hard to make you a priority but I just couldn't. I apologize for making you feel that way. I apologize for not being there for you."

I close my eyes and shudder "No, don't feel bad. Your kids are way more important than me. Ignore all my shit. I'm not allowed to be mad at you."

The tears have started again but out of complete remorse. I did not want to give you all my internal things. I wanted to support you this weekend not add to your pain. "Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!!" I repeat in my head.

You are sitting quietly. Watching me. You face is composed now. You eyes are clear. You look into my eyes and pat your lap. I stand up and sit where you have patted. You grab my legs to where I'm completely on the bed and you. I lay my head in your chest as you wrap your arms around me. "I am sorry." I say

You kiss me lightly on my lips and forehead. "Do not ever feel sorry for how you feel." You command

We sit there for several minutes just feeling each other. Healing. You squeeze me tighter and tighter until I feel the entire last month leave me. I look up at you and see you with your eyes closed. Your face at peace. I can't help but reach up and touch your cheek. I place my whole hand on the side of your face. Feeling the warmth of you along with your day old stubble. I pet you along your cheek bone down your lips and neck. You moan and open your eyes.

We look at each other and exchange a look of unity. Understanding. Completeness.

I stand and cup the sides of your face in my hand and kiss you. You wrap your arms around my waist and pull me closer. Our mouths say so many words with one kiss. You taste so sweet. Your lips are so soft. Your tongue is so hot. All of everything is ok.

I pull away and say "I want to help you heal."

You look at me shocked "That's not your job. I'm not going to give my shit to you."

I respond the only way I know how "You already have."

You scoot back on the bed until you get to the pillows and lay down. "Well then you asked for it. Come heal me." You say with a grin but a plea in your eyes.

I walk around to the side of the bed and lay down next to you. You turn on your side and engulf me with your arms. My back pressed to your front. Our legs tangled together. This spot. This feeling is ours. This is where I feel the most safe. We breathe. We talk. We exist together.