What is Cum? (Baby, Don't Hurt Me)

Now that you have that song stuck in your head, and you're bopping your head to one side like they did on Saturday Night Live...

"Cum", the verb, is having an orgasm. The big O. Going bang. The crisis. The little death. It's something I love to do; of course, who doesn't? I also love making other people cum, and seeing and hearing their ecstasy. I especially love seeing a man cum, because the exact moment of climax is so easily visible, and it makes a lovely mess.

Many people think that because of that, it's impossible for a man to fake an orgasm. Those people haven't thought it through. I once was giving my (now ex-) wife a jolly good rogering, and hadn't cum yet, and was quickly getting tired. In order to just wrap it up, I acted just like I always act when I'm about to see God, and then promptly went to sleep. You know why she never knew the difference? Because Magic Johnson was inside of her. Not only could she not see the spitting cobra with her eyes, but the cum that would have shot into her would have mixed with her vaginal fluids, (see also: "cunt cream") so it was unlikely that she ever noticed that her next oil change was a few teaspoons light. So why don't men report having faked orgasms? Because we don't want to; we want the actual orgasms. They're important to us. Sure, we want you to think that you're a great horizontal mambo partner; especially if you actually are. But we're almost never willing to sacrifice our favorite ten seconds in all the world for the sake of your egos. Give us the good stuff.

And I firmly believe that women should never fake orgasms either, for the same reasons. If your male bed partner is winding down, but you haven't yet had your big O, you absolutely should tell him something like: "This is really great so far. I love you. You're an awesome sex partner. Now put your face in my crotch, and lick my clit like you're trying to dissolve it away, and I'll tell you when to stop.".

"Cum", the noun, is semen. Jizz. Spooge. His load. His cream. Man milk. Nut nectar. Pearl jam. Baby batter. It is the vital essence of a man. If I had to choose just one physical part of a man to best represent him, it wouldn't be the eyes, or the mouth, or the hands, or the heart. It would be his semen. That's what he uses to make another person very much like him. It carries the genetic code that makes him physically and neurologically Who He Is.

It's also the byproduct of one of the best physical feelings a person has. The cannon shot that signals I have satisfactorily completed a job well done. I love giving a man a hand job or blow job, and knowing he came because I MADE him cum. (Side note: since the sexual version of "come" is spelled "cum", shouldn't the past-tense be "cam"?) And I love it when a man cums in my ass, and fills me up with his love juice. I love snuggling, because it's so close. I love fucking and being fucked because it's even closer. And when he cums in my ass, I get to keep the essence of him inside me for quite a while.

Another reason why I love having a man's cum in my ass is that my entire lower digestive system doesn't contain a single taste bud. I love having cum in my stomach; his essence nourishing me. But when it hits the inside of my mouth, some primal part of my brain screams: "WHY DID YOU PUT A MIXTURE OF SNOT AND BLEACH IN YOUR MOUTH?!? GO SPIT THAT OUT RIGHT NOW, BEFORE I SEND UP THE ENTIRE CONTENTS OF THE STOMACH TO FLUSH IT OUT FOR YOU!!!" Of course, the more conscious and rational part of my brain knows exactly what the cocktail from hell is, and I swallow it. Not only to have it safely inside me, but also because I know that most men prefer to have their Molotov cocktail swallowed instead of spit out. Oddly enough, tasting a tiny little bit of semen isn't bad at all; it almost tastes different. Maybe I just need to gradually increase the dosage over time, and acclimate myself to it.

I also really enjoy when a man squirts his cum all over me. In one regard, I have the same philosophy about having sex that I have about cooking food: if you're not making a mess, you're missing half the fun. My face loves to feel the rhythmic impacts of the volleys of hot cum, and then feel it slowly ooze down. My eyes, on the other hand, would strongly prefer that I don't allow another man to squirt gooey lemon juice into them. If it didn't look so damn goofy, I might actually wear swimming goggles when I take facials. My nostrils haven't yet had to deal with semen; but if my experiences with having a bit of pool water up inside them are an indication of their sensitivity, I'm considering using nose plugs.

I cant think of a good way to wrap this up, so I'll just use the standard last line I always used for reports in high school:

In conclusion, Cum is a land of many contrasts.