Where The Heart Is

I didn't think much about it. I was feeling too good about Thea anyway—particularly about how tonight had worked out for us—and saw no reason why I shouldn't let her get some rest.

*****

I barely saw Thea in the next couple of days, and not for the lack of trying.

For some reason, she always seemed to be hurrying off somewhere else every time I saw her in the loft. And when she wasn't, she was always busy with one task or another and couldn't seem to be bothered with anything more than simple hello's.

It wasn't until Sunday morning, when had Thea quickly left soon after I had entered the kitchen, that it occurred to me she might have been avoiding me. The thought only further confused and frustrated me, and by Sunday night, I was determined to find out why.

I waited in the dining room for Thea to come home, but it wasn't until it was almost midnight that she finally walked through the door. She stopped when she saw me there, but then she looked away and proceeded to walk towards her room, and I was too stunned by that to react right away.

"Thea!" I finally called before she could disappear through the hallway. I stood up from my chair, moving quickly so that I could catch up to her.

Thea stopped, but it was a full beat before she turned to me, a soft easy smile on her face. "Oh hey, Liv," she said.

I was suddenly aware that we were alone, and that I had no idea how to say what I had wanted to say. In the end, I decided to latch on to something safe.

"I just wanted to say thank you," I began, softly clearing my throat. "For the gift on Christmas."

I watched Thea's shoulders relax a little and realized that she had been bracing herself for what I was going to say, which only made me more convinced that she didn't really want to talk to me.

"No problem," Thea said, keeping her smile chill and breezy.

That's the thing with chill and breezy, though: it has a way of seeming cold and distant, depending on the situation, and I felt myself hesitating on whether to even bring up the subject or not. But then, Thea began to turn away and the decision was made for me—I didn't want to spend another day wondering where we stood after Christmas Eve.

"Have you been avoiding me?" I asked suddenly, bringing Thea's eyes back.

Her smile seemed a little forced as she started to shake her head no. But then she stopped, and it was as if some invisible tension had been cut loose from her body as she decided to just come clean.

"Okay, yes. I've been avoiding you," she sighed. And then, she turned away again, having already answered my question.

"Well, will you at least tell me why?" I frowned, cutting ahead and facing her in an effort to get her to stop.

Thea shifted uneasily on her feet, her eyes looking everywhere but me. "Do I have to?" She asked.

"Do you have to?" I repeated incredulously, suddenly feeling a little angry. "No, you don't 'have' to, Thea. But three nights ago, I had the best sex of my life with you, only to have you suddenly acting cold the next day so no, you don't have to, but I think I deserve at least some explanation."

Thea's brows drew together for a moment before she forced herself to relax.

"Liv, we had sex, okay?" She told me. "Let's not make a big deal out of it."

I was stunned enough that Thea was able to walk past me into the hallway and disappear into her bedroom. Not a big deal? The single most electrifying night of my life and, for her, it wasn't a big deal?

I was more than a little angry by the time I strode towards Thea's door and knocked. She opened it after a moment, looking a bit impatient herself as she waited for me to say something.

"Don't you think we should talk about it?" I asked her, and the humorless laugh Thea gave in response only irritated me more.

"Talk about what?" She asked incredulously. "Liv, we had sex, and fine! If you so badly need to hear me say it, then yes, it was good for me too... it just wasn't good enough for you not to go for Rachel in the morning, I guess."

"Yeah," Thea said with a sad, little wince as she took note of the surprise on my face. "I heard you tell Rachel that you like her—mere hours after the so-called 'best sex of your life'. So tell me, Liv, what else do we have to talk about?"

There was no mistaking Thea's anger as she had spoken, and I opened my mouth wanting to explain. But the words wouldn't come and the look on Thea's face said she probably wouldn't believe me anyway.

"Well?" Thea prompted, her eyebrow raised in a challenge. "You said you wanted to talk. So talk."

"I'm trying to!" I said in frustration, before grumbling. "If you would just stop looking so goddamn impenetrable for a minute."

A slow smirk spread across Thea's lips, but those brown eyes were cold as they met my gaze. "I didn't seem so impenetrable to you on Christmas Eve, did I?"

But then she collected herself in the next beat. "Look, I get it." Thea sighed. "You like Rachel, and that's o—"

"But I don't!" I protested, not knowing how to make Thea understand. "I mean, not anymore."

My words only seemed to anger Thea further, however.

"Why?" She bit out. "Because she rejected you? Yeah, I heard that part, too, Liv."

Thea's hand slipped from her door as she let out an exasperated breath, and she seemed more disgusted with herself than mad when she next spoke.

"I mean, it's my fault too I guess, because it was pretty clear from the moment that I met you that you were into her," Thea continued. "I just thought... I didn't know what I thought, but I could chalk up that night to simple mistake, and that's okay."

Thea sighed, looking straight into my eyes as she proceeded. "Liv, I'm sorry that Rachel doesn't like you back—but I know that I don't want to be with someone who's still hung up on someone else, and I think we should just leave it at that."

Her words stabbed at my chest, and I couldn't speak. I couldn't move. I could only watch as Thea shut the door and locked it behind her.

I stared at that closed door for a few moments, unable to breathe. My thoughts drowning in the torrent of pain that suddenly hit me as I realized what had just happened.

I had lost Thea.

I had my chance, and then I went ahead and blew it, and now I had lost her completely—and all because I was too stubborn to let go of my crush on Rachel until it was too late.

The pain in my chest became too sharp, and I finally took a breath. I turned quickly and tried to rush into safety, knowing what was coming next. But I was too late this time, too, and the tears were already spilling down my cheeks by the time I reached my room.

*****

Eleven

I tried my best to get through the next three days bravely—I really did. But it was hard, seeing Thea day after day knowing that she wanted no part of me now.

She had stopped avoiding me, but only in the sense that she was no longer immediately leaving whenever I was there. She still wouldn't be alone in a room with me, she still wouldn't talk to me except for a few civil exchanges when Rachel was around, and she still would hardly even look at me. And knowing Thea's reasons now only made the pain of it worse somehow.

I did my best to act as normal as I could, except, I didn't think I would ever feel normal again. My mind kept reliving my night with Thea and all the feelings that came along both with it and after it, and by Wednesday night, I had given up all pretenses.

Rachel was at work. Thea hadn't come home yet. And I had decided to self-soothe by sitting in front of the TV with a blanket and watching Breakfast at Tiffany's with a tub of salted caramel ice cream.

I had never been one to cry over sappy romcoms, especially not one that I had practically seen hundreds of time, and yet I couldn't stop myself from blubbering towards the end. Audrey Hepburn had just decided to leave her cat out alone in the streets, under the pouring rain, and there was never a character I related to more in that moment than that unwanted feline.

"What, I leave for two weeks and you end up a sobbing mess when I come back?" Chris joked as he shut the apartment door behind him, giving me a start.

I glanced to where he stood, wiping the tears from my eyes, and ended up half-sobbing, half-laughing as he started towards me. He couldn't have come home at a better time—I badly needed a friend these days.

Chris took one look at the TV as he approached, then at the ice cream in my hand before his expression changed.

"Oh no," he said, rushing to sit next to me and give me a hug. "You really are a sobbing mess!"

I tried to laugh again, but all the sadness I had been holding in through the last couple of days came rushing out and I started crying hard. Chris continued to hug me close as I sobbed uncontrollably on his shoulders, and only when my tears grew calmer did he finally decide to say something.

"So, are you going to tell me, or should I keep trying to squeeze it out of you?"

I smiled, sniffing and wiping my nose as I gave him a playful push. Chris let me go, but the concern in his eyes was real and I nodded. And then I told him everything.

I told him how Thea and I had sex, and how I realized just how much I liked her then. And then I told him how Thea said she didn't want me because she had overheard me confessing my crush on Rachel and Rachel telling me she liked Chris the morning after.

I stopped, realizing what I had just let spill out, and shot a glance at Chris to see his reaction. He had a look of such pure wonder in his face, it was like watching a little kid open his gifts on Christmas morning.

"Rachel likes me?" Chris repeated, almost to himself. And then he seemed to realize that I was still there, and I couldn't help but grin a little as I watched a slow blush crept into my friend's cheeks. At least one was going to get a happy ending.

"Yes," I told him, still grinning. "And by the way, were you ever planning to tell me you like her, too?"

*****

"There you are!" Chris exclaimed when he finally found me through the crowd. "Where've you been? I've been looking all over for you!"

It was 10:30 in the evening on New Year's Eve, and Chris and I were at a party at Maude's. Thea had immediately declined when Chris invited both of us, opting to spend New Year's Eve at the loft, and I felt like I didn't have any choice but to go after that. I didn't want Thea to be alone on New Year's Eve, but I also knew that she didn't want to spend it with me either.

Chris and I had mostly been hanging at the bar throughout the night. That way, we could also spend time with Rachel, who again had to work on a holiday. She was mostly busy, but she always found a way to stop by where we sat and talk—especially with Chris there, I knew.

There was no way for me to unsee the undeniable chemistry between the two of them now, and after an hour of watching them passive-aggressively flirt with each other, I had decided to make myself scarce.

"I was just around," I told Chris now, taking a sip of my beer. "I wanted to give you guys some room. You know—for when you finally go for it with Rachel. How are you feeling?"

It was Chris' plan now to be the guy Rachel kisses when the clock struck at midnight, and I knew how anxious he must be feeling even as he grinned.

"I'm so nervous, I think I'm gonna pass out," he joked before he decided to confuse me with his next words. "Well, how about you? Aren't you going for it?"

"Huh?" I asked, having no idea what he meant.

"With Thea," Chris clarified with a grin.

I rolled my eyes at him before sadly shaking my head. "Thea doesn't want me." I reminded him.

"What are you talking about?" Chris asked, looking at me as if I had grown two heads. "You slept together. I think that says a lot about her wanting you."

"You know what I mean," I frowned. "I told you, Thea said she doesn't want to be with someone who's hung up on someone one else."

"Well, are you?"

"Am I what?" I shot back.

"Still hung up on someone else?"

"No, of course not!" I said, feeling a bit annoyed that Chris thought he still had to ask. I looked away and took a sip of my beer, then nearly choked as the full implication of what Chris was trying to tell me finally hit me and I sucked in a breath.

I still might have a shot with Thea.

Chris patted my back while I coughed and sputtered, and I turned to him, my eyes filled with both fear and excitement while hope continued to rise in my chest.

"Well, what are you waiting for?" Chris asked impatiently. "Go!"

*****

Twelve

It was about ten minutes to midnight by the time I got back to the loft. I would have liked to have gotten there sooner, but I had to make a few stops on the way. I wanted to make sure I did this as right as I possibly could.

Thea was sitting on the sofa when I got in. She had her back turned to me and was watching a New Year's Countdown on TV, oblivious to my presence. I set one of the paper bags I had in my hand down gently on the dining table, and took a deep breath before I approached.

"Thea," I began as I neared, and she glanced towards me in surprise. She looked away quickly, her movements suggesting that she was wiping away at her cheeks, and I thought I heard her sniff a couple of times.

My heart went out to her, knowing how much she must be missing her family tonight.

"I didn't expect anyone to be home this early," Thea sniffed again, still dabbing at her eyes as I stood in front of her, and I watched a frown slightly crease her forehead when she finally looked at me. "What are you—? Why are you—?"

"I didn't want you to be alone tonight," I told her when she couldn't seem to finish her question.

I grabbed the remote control from the coffee table and muted the TV behind me before turning back to her. This was it, and I needed Thea's undivided attention before I spoke further.

"I thought, maybe we could have a New Year's Eve dinner, like you would if you were home. I stopped by at this Filipino restaurant and got us some food for média noché." I told her, noting the surprise on Thea's face as I continued. "Then I asked one of the guys that worked there about how Filipinos would celebrate at home, and I also got us these."

I took a step closer, holding up a paper bag. I smiled nervously, my heart beating at a furious rate. I could see fresh tears brimming in Thea's eyes, but I couldn't read her expression and I didn't know what to make of it. I pushed through anyway, reaching in the bag and showing Thea each item as I continued.

"Dotted shirts, for good luck. Horns, so we can make as much noise as we can after midnight and chase the bad spirits away. And then later, I thought maybe we could go up the roof and light up these sparklers." I said, looking down as I placed everything back in the bag. "I know how much you miss your family, and I thought maybe you would want to feel as close to being home as possible."

I took a deep breath and looked her squarely in the eyes.

"I only want you, Thea." I said. "I didn't figure it out until Christmas Eve, and I wish I hadn't been such a stubborn idiot and figured it out sooner. And I know you don't believe me but, I'm not hung up on Rachel, okay? I mean, did it hurt when she rejected me? Sure, maybe a little—but even then I knew that it was just my ego being bruised and it was all up here."

I paused, briefly pointing to my head and only then realizing that I was forgetting to breathe. Thea still hadn't moved or said anything, and I swallowed, desperate to keep my courage afloat.

"But when you told me you didn't want me, I was devastated. And I felt that pain right here," I went on, this time pointing to the center of my chest, where my heart was. "And I knew right away that whatever I had felt for Rachel was nothing compared to what I feel for you."

"Stop." Thea finally said, shaking her head as she stood.

I felt a sudden panic then that she was about to walk out on me. She was crying again, and I didn't know if it was because she was angry or sad or what. It was hard to tell with my own eyes blurring up.

"No, wait! Please, just hear me out," I pleaded, frantically trying to speak as fast as I could. "Look, I know I messed up, Thea, and I'm sorry! If I could go back in time and do everything right with you, I would. But I know that isn't possible so, I guess, all I'm hoping for now is that you'd tell me there's still a chance for—"

"Liv! Just shut up!" Thea insisted more loudly, and I stopped.

It was my turn to be confused as I watched Thea take the remote from the coffee table. She took a step forward as she pointed at the TV and turned it up, causing me to look towards the sudden sound.

"4...! 3...! 2...!" Multiple voices emanated from the screen to bring the New Year in.

I turned back towards Thea in confused frustration, only to find her standing right in front of me. I met her gaze, my eyes searching hers for some sort of explanation, and Thea gave it to me.

"One." She smiled, reaching out to cup my cheeks, right before she closed her eyes and pressed her lips against mine.

Thea kissed me slow and deep, and my hand instinctively went to her waist as my mouth welcomed her tongue. I held her close, drowning in her taste over and over, and wishing I would never have to let her go.

It was a long moment before Thea pulled away.

"Happy New Year," she smiled at me.

I smiled back, but the question was still there in my eyes and Thea saw it.

"I'm done fighting this," Thea explained with a little shake of her head, her eyes never leaving mine. "I had been sitting on that couch, crying all night, but it wasn't my family that I was missing—it was you. All I could think about was how much I wanted to spend tonight with you, and then there you were. Turns out, that was all I really needed."

It was all I needed, too, and I kissed her again with all the want and need that I had been feeling over the last few days. Thea swiftly matched my urgency and we began to move, both of us knowing exactly where our kiss was leading to.

We quickly found ourselves in Thea's bedroom, smiling at each other as we finally broke the kiss and started working on each other's clothes. It was easier for me to get Thea's oversized shirt and boxers off than it was for her to remove my jeans and, eventually, I had to help her out.

Thea moved to her bed, completely naked as she laid herself down. Those brown eyes never left mine, growing only hungrier as she watched me hurriedly take the garment off.

She lifted herself up once I had freed myself from clothing, her hands reaching and pulling me with her as I cradled her back down. My mouth took hers in a leisurely kiss, wanting to savor the feel of her tongue dancing with mine once again, but the rest of me couldn't wait.

My hands roamed eagerly over her skin, only briefly reaching to graze and squeeze a perfect breast before moving to seek her warmth. We ended up moaning against each other's lips when I found her wetness, with Thea's moan lengthening into a soft cry as two of my fingers deeply sank into her readily waiting cunt.

I tore my mouth away from hers, breathless over the sensations running through my entire body in that moment. But Thea couldn't wait either, and I gasped, feeling her fingers pressing insistently into my own sopping entrance.

"Oh, fuuuuck!" I groaned as she slowly and deeply filled my pussy until she was buried to the hilt. I sank my teeth into Thea's left shoulder, barely able to keep myself from exploding right then and there.

We began moving together, our hips steadily meeting the thrusts of our fingers, and it wasn't long before our rhythms increased. Our moans grew louder as our bodies strained towards our pleasure, and there was nothing else in that moment but the feel of Thea's tightening pussy around my fingers—and the orgasm that her fingers were stirring inside me as they relentlessly rammed my hungry cunt.