All Comments on 'Wife Takes Charge Ch. 01'

Please stop writing.

Anonymous is right. How dare you post a story about a loving wife in the Loving Wife category? Are you high? How dare you post a story about sex on a site devoted to erotica? All stories should meet the exacting, nonsensical, purely arbitrary standards of all the chickenshit Anoymouses who spend their days complaining about the storIes here so they can feel better about their pathetic lives!

Nice little story. Please post more.

Thanks for sharing.

KentuckySub, Anonymous did not like the anal play in this story. Evidently you seem to get into it. That's fine. That doesn't make him wrong or you right. Just a difference of world view. You seem a little tight. Maybe if you are a good boy your wife will bring home a bunch a guys from the local gay bar and have them go to town on you. They should be able to loosen you up.

This will probably get zapped by the censors. That's OK. I just hate the self-righteous posters who attack people who don't share their cucky way of life.

For the first five paragraphs I couldn't tell if this was a story about two or three people.

" I arrived home late as usual. His wife Anna "

And it goes on and on like this. I didn't know if this was about an observer of a marriage, some strange three way or confused writing...

Thank you for writing and posting here.

As with your other story, the point of view is inconsistent. It either shifts erratically, or (as in your other offering) the first person narrator is proving information that they didn't know. Whether first person or third person, the narrator has to be treated as a character in the story. Like other characters, you have to give characteristics to the narrator by how they're giving information to your readers.

To whichever Anonymous...

I couldn't care less about the anal play in the story. I care even less about your dislikes. I'm tired of the self-righteous Anonymouses who want to police every story I'm the Living Wife category because it doesn't feature a wife fawning all over her recency husband. I'm also tired of the violent comebacks directed toward those who offend these same Anonymouses, and the constant use of derogatory terms that denigrate gay sex. Damn, dude. It's 2019. Women aren't here to serve you, and no gay man is gonna molest you. Don't like the stories? Either write your own or stop reading.

Maybe English is not your first language. I don't think that has anything to do with it, because you don't switch POV mid-sentence in other languages either. But, I am trying to help you.

You wrote:

"It had been a long day at work and I arrived home late as usual."

That sentence is fine. It is written in first person POV ( point of view) also called voice or perspective. In 1st person POV, the narrator is the main character (usually, but sometimes a secondary character) who is recanting his or her knowledge and experiences. It uses prounouns like I, me and us.

1st person POV is popular among new writers, because it feels natural. However, it is much harder to do well than 3rd person, because the things the narrator can talk about are only the things he/she personally knows, sees, hears, experiences, etc.

2nd Person POV are stories that are really written in 1st person, but are directed to the reader, who becomes a character in the story. These types of stories use pronouns like you, we and us. eg. You walked into the party like you were walking onto a yacht.

2nd person has similar limitations to 1st person, but is viewed by most readers (google it) as being less enjoyable to read.

Third person POV is the most common POV used. It is told by a generic narrator who can do some pretty cool things. Since the narrator is not a character, the narrator can know everything and can explain things like thoughts and feelings of characters. It is typically the easiest to write and can be as immersive as 1st person if done well. It she's pronouns like he, she, they, and them.

With 3rd person, you can have a fixed focus (ie focusing on one characters POV at a time) as in George Martin's Song of Ice and Fire series) or open focus where the POV is not bound to any one character.

When you pick a POV you keep it and use it for the entire story, or have clearly defined boundaries where POV can change, like acts, chapters or scenes (though this is usually a disaster).

The very next sentence:

"His wife Anna was just finishing dinner as he walked in."

Since you wrote the previous sentence as 1st Person, the reader is expecting it to continue. You shifted to 3rd person. So, the reader's reaction is to ask "Who is he? is someone else in the room talking about Anna and her husband?"

That could be a cool trick to play on a reader where it takes them time to figure out what is going on. But, in this case it is only 2 people. This causes confusion and takes people out of the immersive "story mode" and into analytical mode.

Then next paragraph you continue in 3rd person:

"Anna had a certain glow about her tonight that made my heart skip a beat."

Only to shift back in the next one:

"Granted it had been about two weeks since they were last intimate with each other he never got his hopes up anymore."

Then, right back to 1st:

"Anna did not have the desire she had when they first met 9 years ago, but I still had a very high sex drive. This tended to cause fights every so often between us."

This is just wrong and makes your stories lose points. If you solve this, I am sure your scores will improve. Always remember who is telling the story and keep it that way.

Only change POV if you have a compelling reason to do so, but only do it at major story breaks, not paragraph to paragraph or sentence to sentence.

Hope that helps,

KB

Should I buy a ‘venerator’?

Help me out here.

At least have the smarts and do the readers the courtesy of posting this garbage in BDSM or FETISH. His wife abuses him and he divorces the slut. End of the nonsense. Badly written drivel. Get an editor if you insist on continuing. Your POV and lack of technical skills are horrible.

1 star

Your advice Re: POV is good, except that you got yourself confused, and after the first two examples you flip-flopped which was 1st and which was 3rd.

It may seem odd in this forum (after all, it's not English Composition 101) to comment particularly on a writer's competence with the technical aspects of writing. Shouldn't comments be about the erotic detail and value of a story??? Well, yes . . . but . . . Many readers appreciate that the really good, the engaging and captivating, stories pay careful attention to both. I make my point by inviting attention to the writers who routinely merit scores above 4, usually above an average of 4.5. Such works are characterized by careful attention to technical details (viz., grammar, punctuation, tense and voice, and, of course, proof reading, etc.) AS WELL AS a plot that is engaging in erotic detail, both overt and implied into which most readers can insert themselves in some way.

So please honor your readers and your own pride of authorship in working on those technical details of writing. KingBandor's detailed suggestions are excellent and worthy of close study. Your work here contains the suggestion that you can work on the erotica and produce a work that will fit right in with some of the better authors available on this site. Many thanks.

I don’t know about control or anything up my ass other than her licking it but hot story. . Every couple should fuck and do different thing to keep there sex life interesting ,

It takes two people to keep the sex hot and interesting. She got the best of him I think . He wanted sex and she gave it to him . Loved it

Kentuckysub is tired of people who dare to disagree with his perverse out look on life and trashy, less than erotic fiction. Cucks are so defensive, must be the shame about what the really are.