All Comments on 'Winning (The Lottery)'

No it doesn't work that way. You cannotvOffer your wife or soon to be ex wife a lottery ticket for 12 million dollars and then give her a lottery ticket for $2. Come on people don't be stupid and fall for this nonsense

First story, huh? Welcome to Lit, Randi.

That was a fun twist with the lottery ticket. Entertaining story, well done!

Good first story. She shot herself in her own foot because of greed!

5

Excellent first effort. I enjoyed your tale and felt you did a good job of sticking to the story and not putting too much non-essential stuff in.

Pretty damn good start for your writing career as a Lit scribbler. Thanks so much for the great read!

Nice first story, thank you for posting it.

I only read the intro and thank you for the "non-consenting cuckold" indication.

There are more than enough categories to satisfy everyone, but LW has become a dumpster.

If you want cuckold go to Fetish.

If you want to trade or share, go to Group Sex.

If you want black cocks, go to Interracial.

If you like eating cum, go to Gay.

If it concerns more than one category, go to Novels and Novellas.

It is however not complicated.

Very nice in balancing character, plot, and reality with emotion and fantasy.

I watch a chess channel on YouTube and at some point, the commentator will always say, "and as of move x we have a completely new game". Well, there were several points in your story where we got a new story from familiar ground. Congratulations.

The story was real enough, and blended a light touch with the bitterness of dealing with divorce laws, and ended in a way that left us feeling amused and satisfied.

I never read the original story that inspired this, and not sure I'll be inclined to now. The plot itself was OK but frankly this was about as interesting as reading a telephone directory. In a story a little over three pages long we had one page of backstory that basically had nothing to do with the plot, apart from the fact he bought a lottery ticket. A common fault, but authors should understand that nobody cares about where he was born, what his first job was etc. It's just plain boring.

Then he finds his wife cheating. Not in any clever or original way, he just walks into his own house, and she's so stupid she's doing in their bedroom. Not only that, she also gives him a running commentary on exactly what she's doing, then to cap it all the two cheaters just happen to discuss everything they plan and everything they've done at the precise moment he's listening. It seems to be a common plot devise in the loving wives genre, but has it ever really happened like that? I very much doubt it, to me it's just lazy writing.

Moving on to the end he meets Kelly, and we then have her equally boring backstory. In between it's a page and a half of a guy concerned with nothing but his money. He thinks of a clever scheme, helped by a dodgy lawyer and a bent judge and relying solely on his wife being as dumb as a jar of worms. But regardless of all that, he did, in fact tell his wife that the ticket was worth 12 million. Now, I accept that it's all based in a fictitious town with laws invented by the author, but surely it has to be at least a little bit believable.

On the upside, the writing was generally good, sadly the narrative was lazy, clichéd and, dare I say it again, boring.

"Yes, this story is way too long but somehow, I missed a bunch of key details and didn't finish the damn story."

Wow! First timer with a rant at the start, but thanks for not wasting my time reading a story that isn't finished. It seems to be the thing lately for so called writers to NOT finish their stories. Not cute or clever!

Wow, first timer with a rant at the start, I got as far as seeing that it wasn't finished, thanks at least for NOT wasting my time reading yet another unfinished story.

Unfortunately, I cannot help you on how to write, not having the literary or linguistic skills, but I can offer you my feelings as a reader on the story.

I know that you are neither a lawyer nor an economist, but a minimum of consistency and accuracy go a long way towards promoting a story.

Because if the scenario of the story is common, it is the small details that make the qualitative enrichment.

If all divorces were real financial rape then how come about 1 in 2 marriages divorce. Why then would men marry?

Economically, your small service business is worth practically nothing, because the assets are the truck and the small equipment which are still surely on credit.

The only value of a service business is the name and the workforce, so it's just you. So it's more than easy to close and recreate something else.

Likewise, your restaurant story is also not believable. The only good are exactly the same name, local and kitchen.

The real value of a restaurant is its chef and he can go anywhere, anytime.

So my advice, although not pleasant, is to take care of the details to make your story more credible and therefore more identifiable for your readers.

Without falling into the opposite excess, is to write on all laws and economic treaties.

"She seems so sweet. Are you sure there's no chance of reconciliation?" Sheesh! Really? I'd be embarrassed to be the offspring of anyone who could come out with something as stupid as that! A good story, though and well worth 4 stars.

Congratulations!! Excellent story!! 👌

For a first timer, you tell a pretty good story, I personally think we would all be better off it California feii into the ocean

Could do without all the non-story comments. Otherwise...well done.

Wow. Just reading the intro turned me off. I didn't read it so I didn't score it. Why is it first time writers consistently choose the cheating category to introduce themselves. The BTB crowd will love it, most of the rest will hate it.

Excellent first submission. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

I add you to my favorites, so please keep on sharing your stories.

Personally I find that you based your story on completely stupid legal laws to give intensity instead of working on a coherent scenario.

I can understand situations that are a little fanciful or a little exaggerated (for example, the husband who hacks into email accounts or the telephone, who puts up cameras or microphones......) but I have great, great difficulty in become passionate about situations that are too incoherent or stupid.

Writing is great fun, isn't it? As an early effort I'll just say "Don't attempt to make things too complicated". All that legal stuff regarding the Lotto ticket would have seen your lawyer up on charges and the divorce overturned. Just as any other "scheme" to defraud the marital assets would have allowed the divorce to be "revisited".

As a man, your Bluey is quite weak and pathetic so doesn't really attract any empathetic readers. Allowing his wife to completely dominate him like she did, her not working and spending all their money on useless baubles, giving in and buying a McMansion etc just shows how useless he was. Then, after his divorce, there are many things he could have done re ownership structures for his house and the business partnership that would protect him from any future situations. He's meant to be a businessman! ie Trusts.

Anyway, great work in tieing it all together and good luck for the next 2 or 3 or 5 stories. Cheers.

Good writing, please keep it up.

Enjoyable. Well written. Clever twist. Looking forward to more.

Anyone who invokes the legendary Al Bundy is after my own heart!

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Why is it so many ex boyfriends and husbands in stories are named Chad and Brad?

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A very enjoyable piece of storytelling. You’ve got that lighthearted humorous style that Harddaysknight writes with. I hope you share more of your work in the future. Thanks very much.

Very entertaining and well written.

Please keep writing!

I enjoyed this example of your "fevered scribblings" and look forward to reading more. 😁

You wasted a lot of words on "fill" writing

( i.e?, useless bullshit), then cut the end off with a maybe next time. Bad form, dude. Blue was a dull character, nothing to like or dislike about him. Kelly was embarrassing the way you had her salivating for him and he was so blase' toward her. Kristy was the only believable character but her hooking up and marrying him was not believable at all. A good story line though.

That was good. Not great…but your writing flowed pretty well. My nitpicks:

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Too much “tell”, not enough “show”. Not enough conversation, especially between Bluey and Kristy. Kristy as written was very very shallow…almost a cartoon. Your story just did not sell readers on the “why” of him wanting her…and especially of her wanting him. And she never worked?

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Nevertheless….not bad, especially for a first effort.

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4 encouraging ****

Thanks, enjoyed the read!

Enjoyed the story - keep it up...

Next time you need legal advice maybe try the one recommended by my friend Larry from the local lounge; he's the guy who still likes to wear Leisure Suits and sends his friends to see Duewe, Cheatem, & Howe for advice.

It would have been nice if the legal aspects would have been nearly realistic. That was just outlandish. Otherwise, whats up with those guys who have wives that are lazy fucks? Dont get it why the wives are never working, thats not the reality nowadays. Second, who the fuck sets up a buisness without limited liability. But that neither here or there, in fact, he shouldnt have worried about her getting 25% of the buisness because there was not much value there anyway. I could go on, but you already said that you dont have any clue about legal issues. It just sting if you read a interesting story but without an achor in reality.

Good first effort. Fun

A very good story,especially for a first submission. I wondered for a bit about your character''s comments that he would have actually given the cheating bitch a winning lottery ticket, just get rid of her and hold onto his half ass business. That was dumb.

The worthless ticket was a nice ploy. You never mentioned just giving the ticket to his parents. They'd both just say Dad had given him the money and asked him to pick up a ticket. His Dad was hurting financially and the MC would inherit anyway. You did kinda draw out the ending. Why would Chad stick around when he was so adamant about hating the area earlier in the story? Still gave you a 5

Seemed to be mostly a soap-opera story with no sex.

Great first effort!

Decent storyline and narrative was generally good. The first person narration didn’t work for me. Instead of providing clarity to the character’s thoughts and actions, it distracted me from buying into your universe. 4* overall.

I think you telegraphed the punchline … telling us that you kept the bottom of the ticket covered when you showed her was being honest with your reader but said too much. Is there a way out of that one? I don’t know …

Whining about criticisms before they even occur is a bad look.

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Too much back story: How they met, his business, etc.

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"maybe it meant his dick was smaller than mine." - Except that she called it his "big fat cock."

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Stupid bitch, if she gets the business he can just quit.

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"she was making her world-famous lasagna." - What IS it with lasagna in these stories? I like lasagna as much as the next guy, but it seems like EVERY story that needs a comfort food uses lasagna!

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"Any money you have while married is considered community property," - What about the money that Kristy has that she's been saving up for a lawyer?

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"What if I were to sign the ticket over to her, in full." - Why would he give her 12 MILLION dollars rather than half of what they have which can't be anywhere near 12 million? Better to give her half the value of everything else, then split the rest of the 12 million. Nevermind, LOL!

Keep writing, it wasn't perfect, but it's a decent story with a nice ending. I look forward to more stories from you.

For your first story, it was quite good. Maybe a second story going into more about Kelly and Bluey. But overall, it was a fun read.

1 star - you lost me as a reader at the bottom of the first page 'she cut me off sex for a year'.

Any marriage that suffers that kind of difficulty, is destined for divorce and the paperwork should have been served on the 30th day. However, you failed to include any conversations that led up to and after the 'cut off' to give any indication why she felt justified in doing that? Where was his justification for allowing her to do that to him? Why did he put up with it for anything past 7 days? The only periods in my marriage were we had any significant 'lean sex times', were just prior to and after the birth of our children. I know I never would have accepted it (neither would my wife) - there would have been a lot of screaming arguments.

Fun story! Appreciate your look at it from a different angle but still saving the good guy from the evil witch! Also, very glad there was no lawyer / client romance!

I don't think the divorce deal would hold up in court. First of all, it would become known that a $12 million winning ticket had been won, but only a $2 ticket was turned over. And on the basis of that fraud, the no suing part of the divorce would be kicked out. Also, even though divorce laws, for the most part, don't care about infidelity and don't favor the man, the draconian aspects laid out in this story don't exist. Courts don't decide the value of assets if there is a dispute about it. An appraiser or multiple appraisers would be used to determine value. And I can't see alimony being granted for a 6-year marriage for more than a year or eighteen months. Aside from all that, I congratulate you on your first story. Keep working at it.

Good first story. 😊😊😊😊😊

after all the disclaimer, i didn't bother to read it.

Story, the flow was good. Good job.

Nice first submission. Thanks.

Pretty good story but I thought the entire part about the new girl he met was irrelevant to the story. I do hope to see more from you. Four stars.

I liked it. As I was reading this story, I had to stop reading to take care of something just after the meeting with the lawyer and the lawyer wanted to see the ticket and had a strange look on her face. While I was away from the story, I began to wonder what the lawyer was thinking of. I started thinking maybe the lawyer was figuring out a way to trick Kristy into accepting the ticket at a declared value of 12 million as going to her side of the marital assets and then when the divorce was finalized, they would divide the assets as declared in the divorce papers and Kristy would then have to pay Bluey 50 percent of the 12 million declared value, leaving her with a net loss of 1 million owed after paying Bluey 5 Million that she would be paying for, for the rest of her miserable life. That would have been justice for William O'Neill (a.k.a) Bluey from South North Lake, the state of [it doesn't matter]. In fiction anything is possible. That's the beauty of it.

A pretty good start to your career here.

Good first story. I'd suggest getting an editor to clean up some of the rambling parts, you know, like a second set of eyes. Points for originality. 5/5!!

A good first effort, I look forward to seeing more stories from you. **** stars

Try some originality

Nice first story. Greed always seem to make people stupid like not checking the ticket

Thanks for writing

Page 1

A year? Really?

A great first story. Thank you.

Page 2

He doesn't own a business. He owns his job. Give her the damn "business". Walk away and start another one.

Decent enough start. A little too bloated and yes, it leaned to heavily into the cliches that 99% of every story here uses.

That said, even if you use those there is a good chunk of readership that doesnt care if its a cliche from start to finish or just a cut and paste from other stories.

Personally everything you read in other stories has been done to death so try and think outside the box a bit so that even when you cant NOT use a cliche its not a groaning eye roll issue.

Early page 3

The "business" isn't worth squat. Maybe tens of thousands at best. He's going to give her five mil to keep it? WTF? Story's good so far but author's grasp of finances is at AOC or Greta Thunberg's level.

Page 3

Clever enough idea for an LW story. Still no point in the subterfuge. Give her the damn "business". It's just two guys doing yard work and handyman stuff. She gets a couple of trucks with debt on them, a couple of lawnmowers and a few hand tools. Whoopty do.

Good start. Get someone to check your business/finance ideas.

Nice story. I read another story where the MC was from some island, South Pacific I think. His wife of several years was caught cheating on him. They had a tradition of granting divorces overlooking a semi-active volcano. Forget the details, but the wife and her lover ended up at the bottom of the volcano. Might as well have been American Samoa.

Three stars. Bit cliche-ridden and rough around the edges, seeking an editor could push you into four stars easily.

That worked very well, especially for a first effort. 5*.

So, the old high school gf Kelly admits to completely falling apart after seeing him back in town with his beautiful wife and his reaction is: "Wow. That sounds like some real stalker shit. What did you think, this was some kind of bullshit romantic comedy? That kind of shit only happens in the movies. Maybe you did need a better therapist!" - That is one major immature screwed up sob. Kelly should have dumped her beer in his lap and told him to go fuck himself.

A good, entertaining first effort.

Smiles.

I enjoyed it.

Ed

Ramble all you like, it's your story.

I didn't find anything glaring in the way of errors. I use Grammarly, languagetool.org and hemmingway.org to check my stuff. Someone to proof read and give you a bit of reaction that you can work on never goes amiss, unlike some here though, I don't think you are in desperate need.

Good fun 1st story, however as soon as he mentioned handing her the ticket in exchange for everything, it was pretty obvious that it wasn't the jackpot winning ticket. If I hadn't got it then, the reaction to the judge's questions would have told me. So, yeah, sorry, you did telegraph it a bit...

Thanks for sharing.

Crappy story. Yes, courts favor wives, even cheating wives, though depending on the state, adultery can make a real difference in asset split and alimony/maintenance. But the stupidity of giving up $2.5 million and paying ex-wife's taxes on that amount (which would be well over $1 million in federal income taxes if he took the lump sum, is just stupid. And he has a shit lawyer if she would even go along with such a stupid idea. Indeed, the lawyer gives crappy advice. For example, wife may be able to get the value of half of the MC's half of the partnership, but she has no claim to the partner's share. And the business is not worth that much as a service business totally dependent on the two sole proprietors who are also the two sole employees.

Poorly conceivedand poorly written, it is irritating not enjoyable.

4 stars. Yeah pretty outlandish but it an enjoyable way. Very good for a first time effort, won't even ask for the Lit refund. Hope to see more from this author.

Wouldn't be a bad story. But gods! Don't think a half to 2/3 of a page of explanations and authors back ground. Just think, how much

more of the story you could put in that space

Page 1

Did it! Could not take any more of his whining!

He saw problems, ignored problems except for whining.

Don't buy her all the shit.!!

No sex. Wimp

All

Very good first story. It’s always great to welcome a new author to LW who can write something other than a cuckold story. Looking forward to hearing more from you soon.

Valero, good sandwhiches?..😆

#SheetzistheGOAT

Nice story ,with a real twist at the end. Hope to see more from you

Another version of stupid people live fucked up lives. He got what he married, so he got what he deserved. Read more before you write more. Your energy and enthusiasm are laudable. Now add some real world imagination and perspective and you might have the makings of a successful writer. Good luck with future work. And thanks for the effort.

Great first story! Keep it up.

Good story and easy to read. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't have worked as even a wet behind the ears rookie divorce lawyer would have requested that the lottery ticket be vetted (Lawyers due diligence). Oops, jig is up, and then he gets screwed in the divorce. Plus, if the ticket were real, all he really had to do was give the ticket to his father to claim.

Well done. Nice twist with the actually worthless lottery ticket.

Nice first effort. Needed a little cleaning up and I'm sure one of the volunteer editors on this site would be happy to work with you. Looking forward to your next submission.

Doc

The story was too contrived to be of any interest, even if there was some novelty there.

I read both Lottery stories and found them really enjoyable. Great effort.

You’re wrong that you can set the legal system up the way you want because you set up in the US. Everything you claimed is BS; about her stuff not being community/marital, about not suing (fraud in the inducement claim eviscerates that), etc. Also, your lawyer would get disciplined for that trick because she either hatched it or went along with the fraud. That’s a violation of ethics in every state. Its not a plot twist when you subvert expectations based on things that can’t happen

Fine first sorry. Better than some who've published a lot of them.

Congratulations on a really solid first effort. I'm giving this the ol' QuickMagazine 4, though it's really somewhere between that and a 5, in my book. I'll explain why it missed that final star later on in these comments. I only counted 4 clams that Microsoft and you missed. Page 1, "and a wife for whom nothing was ever good enough for" shouldn't include that second "for." Later on that page, "buy a much small starter house" the word "small" should be "smaller." And lastly on page 1, "but anymore there was nothing Elysian about it" should have "anymore" come after "it" instead of where you had placed it. Then, on page 2, "Though the my ego whispered" should not include the "the." Still, that's not a lot for 4 pages of self-edited work. A more substantive critique is that in the future, you'd be well-advised to avoid the LW law firm name cliche ("Dewey, Phukem, and Howe"). Otherwise, though, this was not only well-written, but also well-plotted. And the trick with the ticket's date did surprise me. I was speculating what the catch could be, and could only come up with the idea that it might have belonged to the business and that Mick could accuse Kristy of poaching it off of Bluey, and pressing charges. This thing with the dates was a lot simpler, and way more elegant. So why did the 4.5 slide down to a 4 rather than up to a 5? The ending. First, probably could have done without Kelly having held such a torch all those years for Bluey. More realistic would have been her just being open to them dating again. And secondly, while I suspect you thought it'd be more realistic to leave off with just the possibility that it would work out for Bluey and Kelly, it would have been more satisfying to actually have the reconnection deepen into the real deal. Which, if you had incorporated my suggestion about Kelly being open instead of longing, would have actually been more realistic an outcome anyway!

decent first story enjoyable read solid 5 stars for me

I gave this story 5 stars, for all the effort you put into it, your first submission here!

Thank you, author!

A truly good story!

When can we read another new story from you?

NSITCR

You got 5 stars from me

I would of felt more comfortable if the cheating bitch won some larger amount on the winning lottery ticket. - Maybe 20,000; I didn't write the story - So, I enjoyed the story and hope you continue writing. I'm not a writer myself Have fun from OLDFART

Why did Kelly call him Bluesy? He didn't get that name till he left town.

Great first attemp 5 from me.

Bloody good tale. Let's hear some more from you.

Cam.

Brilliant! A cheerful cheating wives tale indeed. Thanks mate!

Fun and well thought out story. Enjoyed the twist. 5 stars from me.

Nice story . I liked it. AAAA++++

Great job looking forward to more from you! Thank you for sharing! The sex was ok too kiddo ;-)

Could have had a lot more sex. I think the cheating wife would have a strong case for fraud. Chances of having the winning numbers on the wrong day are the same as having the winning numbers on the right day, so chance of this is slim/none. Having a winning ticket could have been interesting — I am going to try to find the story this was based on and see how that author handled it. Still a fun story — I got interrupted midway through and was dying to come back to it and see how it would end.

See, you started off slightly arrogant with the refund bit. You could of skipped that and it would of been ok.

But you went off the rails with the anonymous bit. If you don't like the feedback you receive on your work you can go ahead and ask literotica for a refund.

On top of being an arrogant shit, you're also a cowardly one. If your story get's highly negative comments judging by your attitutde then you deserve it, you're just not man or woman enough to face them.

Obviously 1 star because of your personal intro, stopped after that. Shit author.

I s'pose some readers might enjoy the alternate system of law, but that alternate law is pretty much the entire plot.

Dislike!?

Another clueless wimpy cuckold

Twist could not save it