With or Without You

"I had this inner turmoil going inside me. One part was saying stop meeting this guy, while another voice would urge me to meet this witty and charming man just one more time.

"Many a night I stayed awake, thinking of the mess I had created. I always believed that the truth can never be hidden and one day you would come to know about my stupid infatuation with Jim. This could burn me, finish my family. The thought of the humiliation and betrayal you would feel shook me to the core.

"Then his calls and WhatsApp messages started becoming more frequent and more personal and he began texting me even when I was at home.

"That was when I decided to end this stupid affair. I knew the infatuation for him was going to make taking this decision difficult. So, the best thing was to move out of the environment that was poisoning my family life. I resigned and decided not to take up another job for a while, devoting my full time to my family. I knew this would hurt us financially, and perhaps you might have to do more out of city projects for your greedy boss, but now that was acceptable to me. However, I went for my startup company, as I knew I had talent and could definitely contribute something, however meagre it may be.

"But the why of my affair continued to haunt me and so I began seeing a counselor."

Fred looked at his wife, "You never told me about this."

"What could I say to you? Darling, I just finished off an affair with a guy, but since I'm not sure why I did it, I plan to see a counsellor. Would you like to tag along? Ha!

"It was my mess and so my responsibility. I had done enough damage and didn't want to hurt you by telling you about my unfaithfulness."

"For how long did the sessions go?"

"Once a week or ten days for two months. In the first couple of meetings, the councilor asked me to tell her about myself, my childhood, the growing up years, our family life and so on. Then she began asking me about my office work, my frequent travels, and then about Jim.

"I came out honestly with her, leaving nothing out because this was not for me, but for my wonderful family and how I could make things better for them. I told her about going to the carnival with Jim, the trips to the shops and cafes and... and then..." Sharon trailed off.

She watched her husband's face intently, trying to understand his feelings, his emotions. She had not kept back anything. She had kept her guilt bottled up inside her for many years, and now she couldn't bear it anymore.

Different feelings were playing out inside Fred, and he wasn't feeling good. Hearing from her own mouth how she spent her time in Milwaukee with Jim and went on to have an affair made him sick. He had sensed the drifting away, and so had started cutting down on his frequent travels, but it felt bad hearing it from his wife.

"You could have always spoken to me about whatever was running in your mind," he said.

"In my mind, I wanted to be shoulder to shoulder in our home building, and so I was always focused on what the next task to be done was, at home, at the office. So many times, I had watched you rush in to home only to rush out again to catch your next flight, and I wasn't going to let you kill yourself by burning out. There was nothing to complain about or talk about with you," she replied, looking unflinchingly into her husband's eyes.

"What did the councilor have to say?" Fred asked, refraining from commenting on his wife's reply for the moment.

"The councilor said that I had been unable to cope with the stressful routine that I had been doing. There was this guilt that had been building up inside me for not being with the children as often I should have been.

"I had been worried about you burning out and having a health problem, but in reality, it was I who had got burnt out by trying to manage the family and the office with its frequent travels.

"As per the councilor, when I got to know that Jim was bringing up his daughter all alone, that triggered a wave of massive motherly emotions inside me. My mind seized this as an opportunity to overcome the guilt of ignoring my children.

"The impromptu after-office visits to the popular shopping streets, coffee at quaint coffee corners, were the result of that wave of motherly emotions sweeping my body. I started playing the role of his fucking mother, and in due course, started fucking him. But then later, I would have these guilt hangovers when I would be in a saner mood.

"She gave me the address of a psychiatrist who could further help me out. As per the psychiatrist, the fact that I had voluntarily pulled out from the sorry situation I was in was a good sign that all was not lost. He gave me a medical prescription with the advice to avoid taking up a full- time job till things got better.

"Things did start getting better, and after a long time I was feeling happy and secure with my family.

"Then my worst nightmares became true when I found out you were aware of my infidelity."

"How did you find out?" Fred asked in curiosity.

"Remember your office had thrown a party for completing the Fort Wayne project well before time? Well, I was mingling amongst the guests, when Sheila, from your Accounts department, ran into me. She was all praises for your efforts in rolling out that project well before the scheduled roll out time. She went on to say how you had not only completed this project, but also got an equally big client from Milwaukee and that you would travel from Fort Wayne to Milwaukee to just make you're the presentations in person.

"At that my moment, my world came crashing down around me. You had never once mentioned about visiting Milwaukee, and here was Sheila telling me you had done that often. Somehow, I managed to maintain my composure but life after that party became miserable.

"I would be on tenterhooks all day long, any moment expecting a knock on the door and being served the divorce papers. There were days when I didn't do any consultancy work, but just sat in the same place hours on end. When you would fuck me hard, which was not your usual style, I would feel this was your way of punishing me, till I couldn't stand it any longer and requested you to make love to me as you always did. All along I was waiting for you to serve me with divorce papers. This began to tell on my health as I began losing weight.

"I'm sure if I had seen my psychiatrist again, he would have had me put in the looney bin. That's when I cheated on you again."

Fred looked at her in surprise.

"I decided to have a baby. I desperately wanted my family by my side forever and you being a thorough gentleman that you are, you would never throw a pregnant woman out of the house.

I cheated you by not discussing about having another baby and went off my pills," Sharon continued with a look of defiance on her face.

Fred sat back and stared hard at the woman in front of him in amazement. Short of asking him for his support and being given another chance, she had done just about everything else, from giving up her job, being a home maker on a 24/7 basis and also doing her consultancy to bring in some much needed money.

But the guilt had kept gnawing her soul and now she couldn't keep her secret any more to herself.

Even as he continued to feel that familiar cave-man anger for being cuckolded, he felt sorry for his wife. She had taken a lot of decisions all by herself to keep their marriage intact.

"I... I guess you'll divorce me now; after all, who can live with a whore. I understand that and I'll not ask anything from you. You can keep the house, our investment, everything. You may share what you deem prudent from our saving account, I'll not fight for anything and will get by with what my consultancy pays me. But I have a request, please never keep me away from any family event and please, I would like us to remain friends," Sharon cried out.

Fred could see that she was psyched out. She had kept her secret to herself, suffered the guilt for the years and it was worse than a post-traumatic stress disorder. He could see her wilting before his very eyes.

He had to act fast to save her, to save them, or else she would really become a basket case. He no longer felt that all familiar pain and anger, instead he began to think, to think a carefully crafted reply.

Fred gripped his wife's arms and looked steadily into her scared and helpless eyes. The affair had taken its toll.

He took a deep breath before speaking, as though through that action, forever tearing up and burning the mental pic of his wife coming out of her lover's house, an image that had been so deeply etched into his mind for so long.

What had happened, had happened, and his wife's actions clearly told of the ordeal she had suffered because of her indiscretion. She chose to fight and suffer alone.

"When you say you are to be blamed for the affair, don't forget to include me, because I'm also responsible. My greed to climb the corporate ladder, to earn more and more at the earliest put us in a situation where this happened. Whose idea was it to go for this house in an upper middle-class locality? It was mine, because I wanted the best. We could have gone for that other house we had shortlisted, but that would have meant the kids wouldn't be able to attend the prestigious school situated here. Then that SUV I surprised you with. That could have waited. You weren't complaining, but I had seen the way you looked at some of the cars in our neighborhood and so I just had to get a brand-new car for you, a car bigger than those. So I splurged on the SUV."

Fred paused, and looked at his wife to see how she was taking it. Sharon was staring back at him with her mouth half open, her pupils dancing in her eyes.

"But everything comes with a price. Our children were young and that meant a lot of parenting back at home, at the same time our dreams called for more and more hard work. Our time for being together alone, to share our feelings took a back seat, we took a back seat, so to speak. We became less of a couple and more like two cohabitants living under the same roof; you were totally zoned in to the duties of a homemaker and the next morning rushing to office or flying to a client meeting. I, too, would be chasing my dream of making the next big bonus. Somewhere there we stopped giving each other the time we needed."

"Why didn't you confront me?" she asked tentatively. She had been expecting a verbal onslaught, that seemingly was not coming.

Fred gripped her harder.

"Of course I wanted to, but in my very own manner. When I first realized that we were drifting away, I started slacking down on the office work.

"Remember the nipple clamps you got in your office through courier, those lunch dates, just the two of us once again?"

Sharon nodded her head in understanding, "The beautiful pink roses by my bedside, the impromptu family outings, dinner dates with a hotel room booking," she supplemented, with a knowing look coming into her eyes.

"We Millers know how to fight, and we choose our weapon of war accordingly, whether on the beaches of Omaha with a bayonet or with flowers and love, lots of love," Fred replied with a steely tone.

"You were and are the love of my life, the mother of my children, the rock of my life and I could never get violent with you, even with harsh words. That guy happened to be at the right place at the right time and got the chance to be in the company of the most beautiful soul in the world. Try as he might, he will never be able to find your twin sister to try his luck again, because God created only one of you, and she was meant to be mine."

Sharon smiled at her husband through her tears.

"Thank you, thanks once again for being with me," she whispered.

"So, what now..." she continued in a faltering tone.

Fred smiled before picking up the shopping bag he had brought in; the battle had been won.

"Now, Fred Miller, and Jeff the redneck and big boy Washington here are getting impatient and would like to start their Saturday in real earnest with their woman in the bedroom."

For a moment Sharon looked at the bag containing the two new dildos, then looked back at her husband.

"Mr. Miller, this woman belongs to only her man and Jeff and Washington can wait for their turn in the dustbin."

With a flourish, Sharon picked the bag from the table and dumped it in the dustbin.

"Mr. Miller, will you now take me to our bedroom?"

***

The two made love, then rested and made love again, reconnecting in body and mind as never before.

Their mating was interrupted by the ringing of Sharon's phone. It was her daughter calling.

"Hi Mom, how's the weekend going? I hope my son is not bothering you."

Sharon smiled. Jane had taken to calling her junior brother her son and was very protective about him; she would even argue with her if she scolded Dave.

She lovingly looked at her husband's face as he was on top of her and pleasuring her with the rhythmic movement of his strong lover boy going in and out of her wet, juicy love tunnel. They had given enough time in parenting their lovely kids and the answer to her daughter's question on the whereabouts of her younger son could wait.

"Umm...Jane dear, I am in midst of performing my marital duties and so maybe we will catch you later?"

"Jesus Mom! Really, don't you guys ever stop?" her daughter shrieked, more in merriment than anything else.

"I hope you guys are not planning on another surprise for us, cause it's me and Jason's turn to give you guys a bunch of surprises.

By the way, Mom, as you perform your marital duties, umm... you're on your back or on your knees?" she continued in a conspiratorial tone before switching off laughing.

Sharon had tears of joy in her eyes as her husband thrust one final time inside her and shot his load.

***

Fred looked at the sleeping form of his wife and began stroking her face.

The long-awaited talk had finally happened and the ghost of the past had been finally laid to rest.

There was one thing he didn't tell her and never intended to, either.

After that fateful night when he saw Sharon coming out of Jim's house, he had visited Milwaukee again to meet Jim. He waited for him at the office parking lot and then confronted him. He wanted to personally meet the man to see what he had in him that had so nearly destroyed his family.

Jim had been taken aback and become defensive when he had introduced himself as Sharon's husband. They sat in his car and Fred spoke. He told him about Sharon resigning from her job, and refusing to take up another job, instead opting to become a full-time homemaker as if to atone for her mistake.

Jim sat listening silently as Fred vented out his anger at the man.

"You destroyed her career, destroyed her self-esteem with your lust for her.

"How selfish you are, and disgusting. Don't tell me that you were in love with Sharon. You knew she was married and had a family, yet you pursued her for your selfish end with your charming and witty demeanor."

Jim started to say something, then remained silent, perhaps not wanting to create a scene at the office parking lot.

"Tell me, Jim, how would if you feel if our positions were to be reversed and you got to know I was fucking your wife?"

The talk of his dead wife hit him hard, and he looked angrily at Fred, who stared back unflinchingly. When Jim looked away. Fred knew he had won.

"I don't want to see you anywhere near my wife or even e mailing her. Remember, you are the sole parent for your daughter and if I get to know you are sniffing around, then your employer and my wife's ex-employer are going to get to know me a lot. This is a war, and I'll make hell for you and make sure you never get a decent job. Wherever you go, I'll hound you. My wife left her job, but I'll be always there to provide for my family. But if you're out of a job, who will feed your daughter? Think Jim, think hard before chasing a married woman again."

With that final warning shot, Fred had got out of the car and walked away, without looking behind.

***

Fred kissed his sleeping wife. This one incident he would be taking to his grave. He spooned his wife and drifted to sleep, the song "With or Without You," fading away as though justly answered.

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