All Comments on 'Working on Campus'

Congratulations on publishing your first story. I look forward to your next.

Don't write present tense or second person. You kept saying "you," but I don't have breasts or a pussy, so I'm confused.

2nd person, never reads well.

As I write this comment you have only had to comments posted. Like Bebop, congrats on you first. Like Brooks, you should never change tenses, one or the other (but third person is best).

Now from me, if you don't have an editor or at least a beta reader get one for the future so you never end up with something like this again, 'You lean your head back against the chair, and lean down and give you a kiss on your forehead.' I assume (bad word) that the protagonist is the one doing the kissing. You missed an I in there.

Good luck in the future.

Are they even married? Far too little information and too short to be a story. Not good enough to be a flash story. Just a little sex and even that wasn't done well enough to be either interesting or entertaining. Lots of people, like you, stuck at home from Covid trying to write a story. Next time please do a better job proof reading or find an editor.

Story not bad, but second person POV doesn’t work for me.

"You went into school to do some work." Actually, I am off work this week, so I did no such thing.

This is why this storytelling method rarely works.

Having said that, it was a promising first effort. Though an editor might be of help? "your tits fall down your chest" looked a bit clunky, in my opinion.

It works for instructions, but it's horrible for fiction.

Interesting first story. Take the advice of some of the better writers on Lit. and your stories will continue to improve. You're a brave soul to dive into the Loving Wives category with your first story.

Second person sucks and if a story starts like that I will not read it.