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WARNING -- GRAPHIC SEX IS DEPICTED WITHIN THIS WORK OF FICTION. DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED OR SENSITIVE TO SEX THAT MAY APPEAR NON-CONSENSUAL!

April 16th, 7:28 p.m., my townhome...

I shook my head again as the video I was streaming from my new laptop to my TV brought on the same flood of unpleasant memories I'd felt the first time I forced myself to watch it. The darkened living room I was sitting in was illuminated by the sights and sounds playing across screen and forced me to question every unchecked feeling and emotion I had been struggling with these last four weeks since the video was taken. Unquestionably, that was me in the video, but as I watched it play out I didn't want to believe my foray into being that person had come about this way.

The guilt was weighing heavily on me since that night even without the video proof.

Why I was watching this again was confusing, but I was drawn to seeing it play out, to try and understand whether I was that person in the video - even if I had been forced to be her. There was a difference you could argue, but each time I watched it the lines got more blurred. Had I been kidding myself my whole life? Did watching this force me to relook and reevaluate who I was and should have been? Was I really a victim or had what forcibly been done to me awoken something within me I had been long been suppressing?

Was I a victim certainly -- with odds beyond comprehension that any of this, forced upon me or not, lined up with what I'd been suppressing my entire life.

I had felt different from an early age, I knew that, could sense it deep within my soul. I had experimented certainly, but were they merely fantasies from a teenager questioning his gender or was there more to it? No, I gave up taking any other paths. I was well past being a teen now and I'd marched as every other Lemming to society's expectations of my role within it. Though set aside, here I was questioning what had always been within me.

What I did know now for certain was the more I fought the truth exposed in the video - the more I wanted to watch it and explore it. It was a sick cycle of doubting, followed by more questions, and then trying to reset and chain myself back into the societal expectation of being male, a man. I would be fooling myself to think I was 'locked in' by any stretch, even though I thought I had purged any thoughts of deviating from my expected path.

Yet, here I was watching the video again and wondering 'What if?'

Was my problem fear? Fear of the prospect that I truly wanted this or having had a glimpse of I could be the person in the video? Minus the brutality of course. Was I driven by the fear the video could get distributed, as I had been warned it would be if I didn't comply? Jesus! What really was my truth? I don't think I really know any more...

I can't change the past or what I've sense within me all my life or take back what happened to me that night. My hands, sweaty and cold, now began to shake again as the final few minutes of the video played out. This had been real, all too real, and there was the promise that more of what I was seeing would be coming. That scared the fuck out of me, but also sparked a deeper questioning of my wants and allowed my imagination to run a little wild, maybe too wild. FUCK!

I remember the first time I watched the video I'd had to fighting back the urge to throw up. Now, the eighth time I was watching it and seeing the man I knew only as TC slowly pull the shiny material of the panties I was wearing aside to expose my lily white ass and then insert his mammoth cock into my ass without mercy - I could only swallow uncomfortably. Why? What had changed in me? How is this any less fucked up than the first time I'd watched it?

I moved the mouse on the laptop over the stop button of the video app and clicked. The scene disappeared from the TV, the room dark, but the engrained images still lit up my mind. My sporadic breathing attesting to how what I'd just seen had blanketed me in a state of discomfort, mixed with maybe sparked glimpses of my possible truth. Again, minus the brutality...

I sat back on the couch and looked over at the panties sitting on my coffee table. They had been included in the envelope the video had delivered in. I found the shipping envelope on my stoop one morning when I was leaving for work last week. Needless to say I called in sick after discovering the contents.

The panties were encrusted with a mix of dried lube and TC's dried cum. In the video I'd been the one wearing them. The video would have been enough of a message, a threat. The panties being included was sick overkill meant to heighten the threat that was made by the note included with the thumb drive and panties. I hadn't touched the panties after dumping the contents onto the coffee table, but they did hold a power over me I could sense. That was disturbing.

The threat in the note -- they were kidding right? No fucking way did I want anyone seeing this video! If I reported it to the police - they'd have wanted to watch it and... Well, I didn't want anyone seeing this, that's for God damn sure!

How did that night four weeks ago go off the rails so badly? Why did this happen to me? Who were these assholes? What did I really feel about being the object of their desire? Too many fucking unanswered questions! That's how I felt!

So, enough complaining and wondering; maybe I could just describe this and it would make some kind of sense?

This is what unfolded that night four weeks ago...

May 19th, 10:39 p.m., I-5 Rest Area North of Tacoma, WA...

I pulled into a parking space at the rest area near the bathrooms too quickly and ended up scraping the lower lip of my bumpers air-dam. FUCK! Whatever! I needed to piss so badly it was the least of my worries. I turned the engine off and was out of the car in no time flat.

My pelvis actually ached from having to piss so badly. I walked briskly, with a great deal of discomfort, to the bathrooms building and wasted no time getting through the door. The hum of the freeway outside was now hushed in the brightly lit bathroom which smelled of stale piss and some kind of fake pine cleaner. The floor squeaked all sticky like under my dress shoe soles as I made my way to post up at the furthest urinal from the door.

I was so focused on the urinals after entering and whipping my dick out that I barely even registered there were two guys at the sinks. They being in here was likely why I chose the farthest urinal though -- I think that's a normal guy thing. Whatever! It didn't matter; I didn't give a shit who was in here, and I was pissed like a race horse as soon as my dick was pointed square into the porcelain of the urinal. Oh My Fucking God! The relief I felt was freak'n amazing!

A minute later, my body was awash in the relief that accompanied pissing out the three lite beers I had drank over the past hour at Mike and Michelle's wedding reception before I decided to hit the road. It was probably a little early to be leaving the reception, but the quality of single women who were in attendance at the reception made it easy for me to check out of there for the long drive home.

Most of the single women in attendance were plump heifers anyway, so the chance of hooking up with one of them was pretty good - if I was into that kind of thing. Though a hook up with some cow would have all my friends expecting we'd end up being a couple and maybe even being the next to get married. Yeah, not! No, not how I was going to exit the bachelor life!

I zipped my slacks up and wondered yet again why Melissa had decide not to attend. We had planned on going to the wedding together, but last week she moved out of my place, dumping me hard and without much of a reason other than to say I was too 'clingy'. I had hoped she would be there tonight. Maybe we could figure out getting back together, or, long shot, we could hook up for old times' sake. Neither of those would probably have happened; I was kidding myself, so fuck her!

Yeah, I'd like to fuck her one last time. Hell, I even trimmed up the pub's nice and neat, shaved the old ball sack, and dabbled some aftershave on down there. Melissa liked sucking cock and while I might have been delusional about anything happening with her tonight -- I wanted to be prepared. Hopes dashed... Whatever!

When I turned toward the sinks, the two guys standing silently near the farthest sink were both watching me. Okay, this is fucking odd I thought. Then I worried about getting through them both and out the exit - if their intentions were bad. Why the fuck were they hanging out in here anyway? That's weird right? Be chill, act like I don't care, wash my hands, and get back on the road.

I tapped some soap from the dispenser into my hand and started to wash. I could now feel their stares. FUCK! If this escalated to a mugging or robbery, I was going to lose pathetically. What had I learned in karate class when I was eight, nine years old? Attack the biggest guy first? No, take the little guy first and use him as a shield if I could get the better of him quickly enough. The big guy looked like some sort of wrestler wannabe type, and the other was fit, just not as scary-looking. This wasn't going to go well for me if things got physical.

I nodded at them as I finished up and grabbed a few paper towels from the dispenser. Would they let me leave?

"Are you here for a header?" the not-so-scary one asked.

I guess the blank look on my face must have spoken volumes because the wrestler dude turned and walked toward the door, saying in a low voice, "He's a cop, Jay, I'm out."

I looked at the not-so-scary guy, Jay, and asked, "What are you talking about?"

He studied me for a long moment.

"Are you a cop?" he asks.

"No..." Maybe I should have lied and said I was?

"If we go any further, your fucking case is blown, if you are a cop that is. I'll ask you again: are you a cop? Take your time answering; you won't have shit on us if you lie now," he said, his face serious as he took a small step toward me.

I thought I had figured it out pretty quickly--what was going on I mean. Was I here for a 'header', and was I a cop? This was some kind of drug solicitation, and I guess there must be some kind of entrapment precedent that if you are asked if you are a cop and you lie, the crook gets a 'Get out of Jail Free' card.

I nodded my head 'No' to answer him.

"I can't hear you," Jay spat as if I was trying his patience.

"No, I'm not a cop. What are you guys doing in here anyway?" I sounded like a fucking church going goody-two shoes. Seriously, a drug dealer was asking if I wanted some pot because maybe I looked like a stoner. Duh! Header equaled some kind of slang for being a pot head.

Jay's pissed-off demeanor seemed to melt away a little.

"We're just providing a service," he said with a wickedly devious grin.

Holly shit! Was I actually being hit up in the restroom at a freeway rest area to buy some pot? This is too fucking crazy!

I hadn't smoked pot 'regularly' for almost three months because Melissa had been totally anti-drug and didn't want that shit around the house. I was all too willing to set that habit aside for a shot at tapping that body of hers on a regular basis. Regular pot or regular sex? It was an easy answer, though having both would have been pure bliss if I'm being completely honest.

We had dated for a month, and the sex was good as fuck! Sex just wasn't a nightly or even every other night thing until she agreed to move in with me. Then it certainly became that, and she was happy to suck and ride my cock in every position or place that suited our collective whims. As we approached the three-month mark of incredible sex and a good deal of 'boyfriend' domestication on my part, she abruptly broke it off.

I hadn't actually given up smoking weed completely during the time she was living with me. I smoked a few times with some friends, but I don't think she knew--at least she never said anything or complained. And she liked to complain about drugs and Republicans and every social injustice you can imagine - but the sex was banging! So, I put up with her justice warrior stance on the world. I'm pretty sure she thought she had me wrapped around her little finger. Fuck that!

Why couldn't you have been at the wedding? I'd kill to hold those tits and tap that pussy one more time! And her ass: Oh Fuck Me! Who wouldn't have begged for a piece of her or given up almost anything to be with her?

That was all in the past, at least for now. She wouldn't even return my calls and had blocked me on all her social media accounts. So, fuck her! I thought about it a second and asked Jay how much. He looked at me curiously and sounded a bit confused with his reply, but eventually spit out he was sure his buddy TC had some good shit and it depended on what he'd be willing to part with. Jay kept saying his stuff was quality shit, not like the dispensary or pot shop crap the state regulated.

I'd smoked some pretty rank shit in my time and assumed there would be your run-of-the mill bud and that which was "fortified", laced with whatever to give you a bigger, stronger high. I was a pretty big 'pot head' back in high school, so why not take a chance? I could handle it! I decided in that moment to go for it. Plus, it had been a few days since I'd lit up anyway, and I'd blaze whatever TC's shit was as soon as I got home, out of this bullshit suit, tie, and slacks, and was comfortably sitting on my covered patio out back.

Yeah, get me some and get me fucking high tonight! I felt a rush of adrenaline course through my veins. The night was finally looking up!

Jay told me to wait a couple minutes and then go back to my car and drive around to the RV parking area. There, I'd see a white and green-trimmed RV with Arizona plates. I was to park next to it and just come in the side door. He didn't wait for me to ask any stupid questions and left me alone in the restroom after delivering his instructions.

I wasn't nervous until he left me there to ponder what I was about to do. Fuck! I hadn't ask if he was a cop! No, no way he was a cop. The vibe said dealer, and besides, I was about to score some good shit tonight!

I did as I was told, waited a few minutes, and then drove around to the RV parking area. It was easy to pick out the RV he had described; it was the only one in the RV parking area. I became a little more nervous as I turned my engine off, but then I remembered Melissa's fucking anti-drug bullshit speeches, and that gave me the push I needed to make the purchase. Fuck her!

I knocked on the door of the RV even though Jay had said to just walk in.

The door opened slightly, and I heard Jay from somewhere within say, "''mon in..."

I opened the door and quickly slipped in. The lights were dim, and I stood in the entryway for a moment to adjust my eyes. I saw a small couch in front of me and took a seat. There was a curtain pulled across the driver's cabin area so people couldn't see in from the windshield, and the other windows all had their shades pulled. Figures: hide the drug deals going on -- duh! These guys were from Arizona and probably made runs up here with the good shit. Dumb luck I happened to meet them!

I looked around the dimly lit living area and saw a fairly well-appointed interior--though kind of dated--and I nodded to my wrestler buddy because he was staring at me as I scoped out the surroundings. He made me nervous, and I thought to myself, 'Just get the pot and get the hell out of here'.

"I didn't catch your name," Jay asked, breaking the silence.

I looked over toward him and said, "Steve..." It was a lie.

"Okay, Steve, this is TC," Jay said, gesturing with a nod toward the hulking dude staring through me. "Want something to take the edge off?"

I watched Jay turn back toward the kitchenette counter and pull a small pipe from a drawer. He packed the bowl and handed it over to me.

"Here you go; I think you're going to like this."

TC tossed him a lighter, and he handed it to me. I looked at the pipe for a split second and lit it up; sucking in hard while focusing on the lighter's flame being pulled into the bud within the bowl. The smoke burned my lungs a little, but I held it in, fighting the urge to look stupid and cough out my toke like some nubbie. My lungs felt warm, and I could swear my body began to tingle after about ten seconds as if it remembered happily the effect that good-quality pot had on it.

The burning became more pronounced in my chest at about the fifteen-second mark, and for a split second I began to worry that something was wrong, but as I exhaled slowly, it all felt very familiar, even comforting. I took a few breaths of the secondhand smoke, waving it back towards my face as I sucked in the smoky breath, and smiled at Jay, handing the pipe back to him.

"Good shit, eh?" Jay asked. His voice had just the slightest hint of echo in it for some reason.

Fuck yeah, it was good! I wondered what it was laced with because my hands and feet were beginning to feel warm, numb, and tingly after just a minute. That was some potent shit! Yeah, good...

"Damn, I'm buzzin' hard." And I wondered if I had just said that aloud. No, I thought it... Wait, they're smiling at me.

TC shifted on the seat across from me, and I felt a gentle swaying.

"Are we moving?" I asked, sitting back and trying to regain some focus through the fog bank that had hit my head all of a sudden.

TC just leaned forward and patted my leg from where he was sitting across from me, smiling.

"Wrass'ler..." I could hear myself mumble while looking at him. This time I was sure I'd said that aloud. Fuck!

Okay, hold on dude! I need to get a fucking grip here! I felt my body teetering to the left and stiffened my body, catching myself before I fell completely over onto my side. Damn! I should just make the buy and get out of here, maybe sleep a little of this off in my car. My brain was telling me that, and my body felt sluggish, disengaged, while my brain was my brain, and it was... Yeah, my brain was trying to effect, no affect, ah... Fight off the effects the pot was hammering slowly oozing on me. Over me? Fuck - make the deal!

I turned my head slowly toward Jay and said, "I'll take some of that. How much?"

He seemed amused by my question.

"You want to buy some of this?" he queried, moving the pipe slowly up and then down in front of my face.

I could feel my head moving, and as if my eyes were locked onto the pipe in his hands, following its every move. I didn't feel panicked; I was just awash in a velvet-like fog that felt like a major trip. My skin tingled, my hands didn't seem to want to work, and I'd never felt so out of it from just one hit. I tried to refocus on Jay; the pipe was moving, and I could see he was laughing; I just couldn't hear him all that well. I turned my head slowly to look at TC, and he was laughing too. Do I need to remember to make my body breath? Wait...

What did I missed? Miss? Mrs.? Fuck it, I tried to stand, but my body wouldn't move. My feet felt so heavy and like, like they were held in place. I looked at my knees, but had to look back because I had this sense I was falling forward, thought I was going to fall over.

TC stood and took my face in one of his monstrous hands. I kept trying to turn my head to get a look at his fingers, but he kept moving my face back and forth slowly. I couldn't stop him; I seemed void of will, of energy, of control, or of any ability to move. Why didn't I grab his hand? Can't... So, why can't I grab his hand?

"We're going to video this one, Jay," I heard him say as he released his grip, and I found myself staring at my lap for some reason. "You got anything good in your car?" TC asked me as he held my keys in front of my face.