All Comments on 'You Know When It’s What You Want'

I didn’t know dancing at polls was even a thing.

It’s a dance school at the Black Pig it’s moto is Dare To Bear used to listen to the advert on the radio in the car, it was very catchy. Very popular with bored housewives and yes men also attended the classes.

can anyone 5* a 'story' this badly written?

Sorry, it's like you spewed random paragraphs out without thinking even slightly how one relates to the other. Three examples:

Right at the start, Shona graduates with a degree in graphic art. Then she gets a job at Porton Down? Doing what? For readers from outside the UK Porton Down is the location of a secret Defence Science and Technology Lab and a high-end NHS lab where they do stuff like identify genetic modifications to the Covid-19 virus.

Near the end, Shona's brother, in Washington USA, is wearing a Naval Officers uniform. Only US Citizens can serve as officers in the U.S. Navy. How is Shona British but her brother American?

At the very end Shona & Gill are engaged. When did that happen? All the trivial detail you included about visiting a coffee shop and the like, but you left out a marriage proposal?

My advice is to slow down a bit. You have the ideas for several decent stories here, but none of them are properly developed in this car crash of a story. Concentrate on either:

» An E&V story about a young graduate starting out in a new town far from home and taking pole-dancing classes to fill time and meet new people.

» A romance story about Shona & Gill

» An erotic Couplings story about high-end kinky parties.

» An E&V story about doing charitable strip-shows.

» A non erotic story about the life of a military policewoman.

No reason you couldn't have written all five, as five chapters in a linked story. Trying to write all five at once hasn't worked, not for me at least. It's obvious you can turn a phrase, so give it another go - just don't try to cram war and peace into a literotica short story next time.

First easy fix: change the word “poll” to pole.

Opinion poll.

Stripper pole.

Sorry you didn’t like it, her brother appeared in two previous stories in this series, he was a RNR Reactor Officer. Porton Down do a lot of things on counter terror and employ various graduates to fulfill this. The Military Police presence in the Salisbury area is quite impressive. The engagement was a twist in the tale of the short story.