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A Hidden Desire


"So, what would you like most for Christmas?" That simple sentence is how it all starts, those few words all it takes. The words in themselves mean nothing really, even the basic reason behind the question more of an 'in joke' than anything else. But there is, of course an underlying reason to those simple words. We both know there is a hidden reason behind them; we both know what they really mean! And I guess therein lies the problem doesn't it, just how do you answer one of those questions?

Ruefully, I pretend to think about the answer before I tell you. Of course the truth is more likely that I am stalling, trying to think of something; anything than what I really want to say. Alas we both know in reality I can never be totally honest with you, I guess that is one of the 'unwritten rules' I have to stick to with you. In honesty, had it not been for that second meeting in your lounge; I doubt we would be on the verge of 'THAT' conversation. Not that I minded, of course what we did that wonderful couple of hours that gave me a permanent smile that lasted.

Still I long for your touch, I crave your kiss; what on earth have you done to me young man? I can still taste you, feel your tender caress; I can still hear you moan as I went down on you... I have never done what I did to you to anyone! You mentioned about me liking sex; how could I not when my 'lover' (for want of a better word) is so wonderfully amazing? Your kiss ignites a desire I have not felt for too long, in truth I have not been kissed so tenderly.

There is a tenderness in your caress that I have not experienced with anyone; I am slightly ashamed to admit that I am partly to blame for allowing guys to 'have me' so easily. I cannot explain how cherished I feel when you kiss my forehead, stroke the hair from my eyes or caress my cheek. And I guess this is where my 'troubles' lay don't they? How in the blue hell am I meant to find this feeling with someone else? How am I meant to deal with the fact that after all the years of 'trying' to find this in a guy, I find that with you?

The feel of your weight above me, made me feel a range of emotions I was certainly not prepared for. If I admit how I wished I could have cried at that moment, I hope you will understand exactly what I mean. If I admit that I nearly did, I hope you will not ask why. As our time came to an end in the wonderful way it did, I could not help but feel incomplete. And please do not think it is your fault, it was more a case of I guess, needing something. That little bit more, that part I know I cannot have; hence why any "what do you want for Christmas" questions are not something I wish to answer.

As we lay together on the floor you asked me to see if I could make you cum with my mouth, truth is that this had been on my mind for a while in some form or another. Before this moment I wanted to say that I wish I could please you, you do me; even if you think you do not. As you came, the feeling that I was incomplete came to the surface once more. Of course we both know what I mean; you are a man of the world and no doubt understand. When I said it did not matter, in truth it does not; not in the grander scheme of things. But at that very moment I had your weight above me, the thought crossed my mind.

And I guess that is the one thing that, if I could; I would love to have for Christmas. Hell in truth, it would be all my Christmases, Birthdays and what have you all come at once. To feel you inside me, your weight on me; to hear those words I 'KNOW' you can never say... I know how it is, and I know how it goes; still does not stop me from feeling this hidden desire right? I know that because of "stuff" feeling you inside me is highly unlikely, I know it will leave me (more often that I will ever admit) feeling incomplete; but hey a girl can dream right?

For the record, I do love you and care for you deeply; I know you are fond of me too... and just so you know, as long as you mean it; I can live with that. I can't guarantee that I am going to be much help to you in some matters, I can't even promise to always get things right. But I will do anything for you and will always be there, I know there will always be a million and one things I wish to say to your face; maybe one day I will... but until then, can I keep you as my hidden desire?

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