All Comments on 'Through The Rosy Garden Ch. 01'

When's chapter 2?

No sex?

Would like to see some action

....made me want to track you down, shove a dictionary up your ass and then force you to enrol in a remedial writing class. You really shouldn't attempt this again!

... with the amount of passion you put into your writing, you should properly re-read it to make sure the grammar is all correct and the sentences flow properly. Other than that, well done for your first story, keep working and I'm sure you'll do great!

Did you even read this shit? You couldn’t have.

"Why not? You seem like you can get rid another one of our targets," the man in charge named James shifted his attention towards me from his stack of red papers, but not taking his eye off them.

"Because I'm injured? I've already done enough for you," I replied showing him my arm but he didn't even bother to look up.

Above is the second and third paragraphs. Try reading them. You have essential words missing and they do not flow. You just can’t read this shit and it makes NO sense.

How can James shift his attention from paperwork to a chick, but still keep looking at the paperwork? He just can’t, it has a lot to do with the definition of attention.

Your sentence composition is fucked up, fucked right up. Even when you get your grammar correct you then go and choose the worst version of a sentence. Example, second paragraph “the man in charge named James shifted his attention” it reads bad, we know his name is James without saying “named James” as James is a name. Also the whole sentence is really really long, a whole paragraph long, so commas help with that. So a better version of your sentence is “the man in charge, James, shifted his attention”. So read your shit, fucked up dribble and find all the errors and fix them.

I read 3 paragraphs and tripped over so many fuck ups, not errors but fuck ups that I stoped reading and went straight to 1 Star and a message.

The crux is that when you write a story your brain knows what it means and automatically fixes errors in your minds eye but not on the page. To get past this you have to write something and then WAIT a week before proofreading it. This then allows you to read what you wrote and read what you think/intended to write. This is also why third party proofreaders have a place, they have no prior knowledge of the story so they can read and experience the story as a virgin uneducated on the plot.

So no you think I’m a cunt for trashing your first story? Well get it correct and you won’t get trashed. You didn’t write this story for your own pleasure, because if you did then it wouldn’t be published. So you wrote the story for our pleasure and for yourself to gain gratification from happy readers. So from a reader to an author... get it the fuck right or don’t publish as you just clog up the site with shit and waste our time.

So get a proof reader, since your grammar and sentence structure is so bad you can’t do it yourself, before you next publish or just don’t publish again.