tagReviews & EssaysA Confession of Mine

A Confession of Mine

byNumber23©

This isn't a story of fantasy or sex. Sorry. This is what the title implies. Never wrote anything before, let alone something of this nature. Here goes nothing.

I'm a man of 38. A man who has hidden a part of himself from everyone for a great number of those 38 years. I'm not a writer. Not a man who knows how to put his thoughts to print. At least not in any reader friendly sort of way.

But thats my brain. Screaming out thoughts and ideas in no clear order at all. Running off in wild tangents that only I can process or make sense of. So I'm just going to do the best I can to get it all out. I'm doing it here, on this site, because I don't expect the people here to judge me. Nor do I expect words of advice. People here will read and move on.

This is just me saying, this is who I am. This is how I feel. Maybe someone out there will read this. While the details won't be the same, maybe the feelings will. They will know someone out there feels like they do. Know that they are not alone.

So here goes. Hold nothing back.

I love to wear woman's underwear. Have as long as I can remember. Lingerie, simple pair of panties and matching bra, doesn't matter. I could wear them all day if possible. I love the feel of it on my body, the different fabrics and the way it feels on my skin. The tightness of it and the way it hugs my body. I love the level of excitement I reach just from wearing it. And just to throw it out there, no i'm not passable. I'm tall and thin and look like a man. No amount of makeup or a wig would change that. I look like a man wearing lingerie.

It's my secret life. Thats the problem though. It's MY secret. Now don't get me wrong. I don't feel trapped. Don't wan't to yell it out to the world and feel free. I want it a secret. It would destroy my life if it got out. No one knows...

Well, maybe thats not entirely true. Now that I'm older and look back on things, I realize my mom might have known something early on. Because it started in my youth and when your young and this is what your exploring, what's available? My mom's underwear drawer. Despite the fear of being caught, I did it anyways. But you know when your young and doing something you know you shouldn't. You think your clever. You'll put everything back exactly the way it was and no one will be the wiser. The problem with that is, your young and your stupid. Parents always notice when something is off. I myself am a father of two, so I speak from experience. So while as a kid I believed I got away with dressing all the times I did, the adult me understands that she probably noticed. To her credit, she's never once said a word or looked at me funny all these years. If what I believe is true than I love her all the more for that.

So anyways, as I was saying. No one knows and that's the way I want it. Ehh, well about 99% want it. I do want to share it with someone. Just one person.

I've had lots of relationships, but never with someone I felt I could let my secret out to. There's too much fear. Fear of rejection, of shattered feelings and emotions. To look into the eye of the woman you love and see: horror, disgust, hate. You name it. I couldn't take that chance. So no matter how happy I was at any time with someone, part of me was still unfulfilled. I could never be 100% me, always holding something back. I won't say that this is the only reason my relationships fail. There's more than that. But those are different stories for a different time and place. This is about my love of crossdressing.

I could never let anyone I dated completely in. I'd be withdrawn without even meaning to be. I couldn't help it. I've had absolutely incredible sex lives with some women I've dated. But I still couldn't let them into that part of me. How could I? I believe they could sense something, even tho they couldn't even begin to comprehend that I was holding that secret from them. So they fail. They fail cause right from the first minute I'm not trusting enough of them.

But I want to. Someone at least. Someone completely. Someone I love, who loves me. Someone who loves that part of me. Someone to explore that side of me. More importantly, to really enjoy that side of me. Almost as bad as telling the woman I love would be to tell her and have her just humor me with it, but get nothing out of it themselves. I want her to have the same excitement about it that I do. Oh the fantasties I've had in my mind about that special woman. I dream of her taking me to our bed and just...

Ok. Let me stop there for a moment and explain more about me. I said I'd confess about myself and I will. I do not like men. I don't find them attractive. I've never felt an emotional attachment to any man. Would never date or kiss one. Nothing that could be perceived as romantic. That's just me. I harbor no ill against those who do. Good on you. Do what makes you happy. Just like I do. But back in the far gone glory days of AOL and their chat rooms, which was what, almost 20 years ago already, I decided to explore myself and what I might like. Across a span of not quite a year, I met some people, hooked up a few times and found that even though I did not like men, I quite enjoyed the cock that dangled between their legs. But I couldn't of cared less about the person it was attached to. Not that they weren't nice guys. Just that they weren't what I was interested in.

I loved the feel of it between my lips and in my mouth. Performing an act that I loved so much being done to me. Just plain old me though. I never dressed up for it. Exploring more, on 3 occasions I allowed it to go farther than in my mouth and let myself be entered anally. Once was ok. Once was awful. And once was incredible. But I learned I enjoyed it and the feeling of it. Not for nothing I learned I liked cum as well. Ehh, maybe not so much the taste of it. I have swallowed a few times anyways. But I liked seeing it. On my hands, my face or my body. Like a job well done to me.

But it's been years now since I enjoyed those particular antics. But I would do it again if the situation arose. I'm just not going to go trolling for it to happen. I've outgrown that. I did my experimenting. And really, it was all just about getting off anyways. Just about the orgasm and not the emotion.

Sorry for the little side, but it brings me back to where I left off earlier. I want my partner to make love to me. Doesn't matter that it would be a toy. I want that experience. I want her to want to make me hers. Oh to be dressed up and the woman I love take me. That would be epic. To have that level of connection and understanding with someone. I can dream of it. Picture it. But I can't imagine it ever really happening. But it would be amazing.

I've experimented often in my relationships. Not much besides what I've been describing have I not tried, within reason. I'm obviously willing to be very open. So if I had that sort of secureness with someone that strong. That trust that binds two people. This amazing woman whom I'd share my secret with, I'd even let them invite someone into our bed. If she wanted to see that side of me with a man. Knew she be excited about it. Yeah, I'd be open to that as well.

Uhh. I just want to find someone to build a life with. Some woman out there who will love me for who and what I am. Someone who will enjoy the same. Someone who I can share my secret with and have her relish it. Dream of one day shopping at a lingerie store with her and us sharing the secret that we were shopping for both of us. Dare to dream. My brains a world all it's own.

Anyways, I'd be naive to think a life like this doesn't exist for people out there. I know it does. But where do I find it?

Sure your reading this right now thinking, "um, the internet?". Sure, well probably. But the internet is a world of no secrets. Everyone knows everything about everyone it seems. I can't put my name or my face out there. I have to much to lose. There are things I won't risk. Like my kids. Besides, I love my privacy and want to keep it. I'm one of the 107 people in the world who's never belonged to myspace, facebook or twitter and I have no intention of ever joining up.

I live in a city in western New York that is literally the smallest definition of the word city. So no nightlife if I was even willing to risk it. I don't even have the money to maybe find a place to travel to where I might be able to anonamously be free for a time. But this would amount to just hooking up and while that would be fine, like a said, I'm looking for a life, not a moment.

So here I am with just my draining hope. Getting older. Wasting time away. Feeling my ultimate happiness slipping away.

Yes. I know I'm whining. But it's the truth as I see it. When the only person you can tell your troubles to is yourself, you only have yourself for advice. Never been very good in the advice department.

Tomorrow I could walk out my door and meet someone great and be very happy with her. I realize happiness can exist in many different ways. But there would always be that nagging feeling of unfulfillment within me, even if she never knew it herself. Thats not fair to anyone.

My story goes, I own some clothing articles, dress up, meet someone. Throw out what I own, destroying all evidence of that part of me. Relationship comes to unfortunate end. Purchase new outfits. Rinse and repeat.

I'm to old now to claim I want something other than what I really want. And what I want is what you've read. Don't think I can be satisfied until it does.

But until the day comes and I meet someone that over time I grow to trust 100% and she is the one to blurt out that she would love to dress me as a woman during sex and make me the woman during same, then I will remain as I've always been. A coward.

On a good day I'm lonely and unsatisfied. On a bad day, I'm ashamed, scared and empty.

Ahh, maybe I'll find a happy place someday. But the more time goes by, the less likely it seems. I have no one to blame but myself.

So as I sit here typing, wearing black bra, panties and nylons, I just want to say thanks for reading. Sorry for mistakes. Terrified of putting this down and submitting it. But I think it'll help me just to get it out there.

I am what I am and maybe someday...

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