A Year on Gay Dating SitesbyBrianCaster©
The most haunting question of my life is; should I get married to a man or woman? On the road or on computer screen, television, or wherever my eyes fall, they're searching for the men. But while masturbating, I dream of having woman most of time. If I come across a naked couple, I'll definitely stare at the male I was in love three times, but only with men. I joined plenty of dating sites, but only gay sites. I always dream of spending the rest of my life with an older man, aged more than thirty, the one who cares for me and loves me abundantly .I've been taking antidepressant for eight years because I have been tortured so long by the thought that my dad did not love me in childhood. I defy god's given dad by searching for myself a dream daddy who has all necessary qualities. I Wish God had given me the chance to select from many possible dads, and if he had, I bet I wouldn't have chosen current one. I always imagine sitting on my man's lap, (the opportunity I was deprived of and longed for immensely while I was child) and having him treat me like his own child. These things wouldn't be possible if I were to marry a woman.
Doubtless to say, bisexuality is a curse bestowed on mankind by the Almighty. One has to deal with two worlds. People like me, who want to live in one world while rejecting the other, have it rough. I want to be daddy at any cost, and I don't think India has any law that allows a gay couple to adopt a child. That's why if I want to be a father I have to keep mum about my sexuality and that makes me feel more cursed.
To be honest, I was attracted to men before women as early as my adolescent days. My two neighbors always drove me crazy. One was my daddy's age who wandered in the streets with nothing but trousers on his chubby body, showcasing his womanlike chest to the public. The other was my grandpa's age, who was much more of a naturist. He could be seen buying bathing soap in his loose boxers at the neighborhood grocery store. His shameless actions became the talk of the town. Now I'm left to wonder. Did he shed his clothes first, and then, realizing he was out of soap, just decide to strut on over to the store in his undies to go buy some?
Hoping to find my soul mate, I opened accounts on every known free gay dating site I could find. I still remember my first love Darren, a rape child. It started with adding him in my favorites. He was from UK and I was in India. Definitely it took patience to convert this relationship into marriage. Neither of us had enough money to travel to meet the other. For six months, we conversed through e-mails, overflowing with descriptions of how we loved each other. I wasn't sure if he'd wait for me. He was eager to mingle and already of 46. On top of everything else, he was not in good health. But in a moment of excitement, when I asked if he'd wait for me until I finished my study, got a job, and gathered the money to travel there, he replied in the next mail that he could wait even ten years for Me The exact words he used were, "I love you more than my life itself!" I believed myself lucky to have found love in my first attempt. I thought of him all the time, weaving the dream of a happy life ahead with him. But God knows why he stopped replying to my last two mails. I supposed I was because he was more open minded guy who loved threesomes and group sex. In contrast I strongly believe in remaining loyal to my partner until we are together. The mere thought of a threesome was repellent to me. Another reason could be that he was married to a woman. I read in his profile that he had children. I asked about his marital status in one of those last two unanswered mails.
In that first brush with love I was too naïve to notice that children stuff. So I learnt from this heartbreak that I must confirm before initiating a conversation with anyone that he's unmarried. There are many bisexuals, already married with children, wants committed long term relationships, especially in India! I've never figured out how two simultaneous committed relations are possible, one with a woman and another with a man.
My second love was mere 18 years old, and he had the same misconception. I inquired, how could he juggle between the two committed relations? With an air of confidence he claimed, "I can handle the both."
I'm still rebuking myself why I allowed myself to get so close to him, as he had confirmed at the beginning of our messaging that he'd married a girl too. But silly me, I fell in love with him and later realized that to live under the same roof every day with him wasn't possible at all. So after three months of wasting time exchanging romantic messages, I departed from him. But I told him to continue the friendship with me. Later it was also come to an end, as he disliked the type of communication through which we shared our thoughts. He wanted me to buy a mobile phone so he could converse with me instantly through SMS's. He didn't like that he sent me messages through the most famous gay dating site of India one day and I replied to him the next day. It bored him.
I moved on. Another prospect befell, a young chubby whose parents were allegedly killed in the disguise of a car accident. We chatted for hours and hours on G-mail. He seemed to be madly in love with me. But a month later he began to ignore me. If I was online he went offline, with no reply to my emotional and painful messages. Suddenly, about a month later, he came back online to explain that he was in a hurry to get married. I, however, wanted time, at least three or four years to finish graduation and post graduation. Then he added that someone had proposed him, and he wanted to know what my reaction was! What should be my reaction? Why should I care for the person who, after two months of rosy talk, suddenly disappeared into thin air without considering my anguish over one-sided love? However, we're still in contact and chat occasionally.
In between these three serious contenders, there were many others who came and went like a scorching hot wind in my life. One of them was Shiv (the name of Hindu God. An unsolvable question is, why do Indians name their children after the name of gods and goddesses? I've never come across a person whose name is Jesus to date!)
When I informed him about my interest in committed relations, he replied, "Relations should be free from any boundaries of commitment."
Later I knew why he was moralizing to me. It was because he himself was married to a woman. (Hey, mother fucker, what did happen to your holy boundaries?
Another married man came along, and when I talked to him about "commitment," he reasoned, "Relations are like sand in your palm. If you try to catch it, it spills out of your hand, and if you keep it open, it remains there!"
So I counter-argued, "is this sand kind of stuff applicable with his wife too?"
"Noooooo, I'm committed to her," was his reply.
You may be wondering why keep conversing with married people though I was clear that what I need is a full time soul mate, someone who can live with me under the same roof. The problem with me is that, if someone speaks two loving sentences to me, I run behind him in sheer hope that he's the Dream Man I've been looking for for years! I'm starving, starving for love since my childhood, and I forget everything in one's sweet-sweet talk that a married man never loves you the way he loves his wife and kids. To him, they are his first priority, not me. I am the mere tool for him to satisfy desires which his wife can't. One of the profiles on a dating site reads, "I ain't into the married men because I believe they are already dishonest to someone, so how can they be honest to me any time in life. No offence!"
The other day, I fell in love with another married man. He seemed so caring and kind-hearted in our first chat. He requested me to call him "Ettan" a Malayalam (an Indian regional language) word for "Elder Brother!" Two days later, he confessed, "we can't have sex with each other as I'm like his younger brother!"
My goodness! Like most of Bollywood films with unreasonable plot, I thought I reunited with my brother lost in some big crowded fair. Have you ever dreamt that on gay dating sites you'd be end up meeting your brother or sister rather than your lover? But it did happen to me. This brotherhood didn't last long, however, as I wanted sex with him only because I felt he loved me genuinely, (which was proved to be wrong later. By the way I'm still virgin, at 25!) and I mailed him to explain that his displeasure in sleeping with me hurt me. From then on, we simultaneously called each other brother and did sexting too. His ultimate desire, I concluded from his chats and messages, was to make me pregnant! It was more amusing than embarrassing. Once he asked me, "Hey bro, do you want a boy or girl child from me?"
One day he suddenly disappeared for three consecutive days. There was not a single word from him. My mails got no reply. On the fourth day he appeared online and began describing his love for me in bombastic words with no reason why he vanished for three days without a word. I gave him the cold shoulder, which was he deserved. It's my heart, not a public garden where anyone can come whenever one pleases. He was interesting man to talk about in detail. As a bisexual, he carried guilt in his mind that he wasn't faithful to his wife. (His brand of disloyalty was different, as he slept with men not women). He worshipped God every day and begged for forgiveness, while at night, his profile said,
"Please, come on folks, I want sex, great sex, please. I'm HIV negative, a non-drinker and a non-smoker." His profile included semi-nude photos showed him in his underwear flaunting his swelled belly, meaty thighs and big bulge between his legs, plus some more photos showed him having sex with another man. He never takes his children to the theatre to show them children's films too, as the theatre can have bad effect on the moral make up of his children's mind while he himself indulges in watching porn movies.
Then there is another married man. We remained in touch, not on daily basis, for fifteen days, but what he said about himself was his name, the city he lived and "I'm self employed." I asked his for a picture of his face and he told his friend landed in big trouble after sharing photos with someone. He was fucking fearful about society and didn't want to malign his so-called well preserved morality by sharing a face picture. What would happen to him if his relative or friend knows he's bisexual?
In our last chat I asked him, "Will you send your photo on my next birthday as a present?" He replied "I don't want to make fake promises."
Later I messaged him, 'I want my partner to be brave, not a coward like a girl. (In reality I don't buy my own sexist comment. I only used it to insult him badly). Come to me with photo or bye forever.' More interestingly, he believed this dating site was a sinful activity, so he visited only once in a week. And during Navararti (an Indian religious festival of nine days) he abstained himself from it completely! However, the way he was asking again and again if I was really a virgin and about my dick size, I guessed, he was a damn hypocrite, (like most Indians).
What do I think about gay dating sites and not a word about the typical structure of their profiles? They flaunt their private parts and call themselves decent, well-cultured, well educated, well settled ,having a good family background, fair looking and in need of the same. Go through matrimonial advertisements in Indian newspapers and you'll find the same kind of descriptions. Moreover, many profiles are full or misinformation. Many times, I do my best to attract interest in me after reading in someone's profile that he's single and looking for committed relations. But after a few days, it turns out that he's already in committed relationship. And I feel like a jerk.
My current status is: I'm seeing two guys. I'm full of demerits, so whoever loves me blindly enough blind to turn their blind eyes to my minus points can be the man of my dreams. Hey, if I were successful and normal all and sundry would line up behind me to marry me. But in this position, only the truest one will come to accept me with all my faults. In that way I sometimes thank God for making me so!
I owe a great deal to mynameisben for edit help. Specially, I learn a lot from him about the correct use of punctuation marks.