All Comments on 'Natalie Ch. 02'

Interested to see where you take this story.

So far its been a very good read.

Hope to see ch3 posted soon.

Good length to the chapter. Keep up the good work. Thanx.

I am loving where this is going....keep it up!

I hope she doesn't mate in public. Every were story I have read have that. where are the boundaries? I mean I know she loves him and wants to do anything for him but she should stick to the human way of having sex.In private. :)

looking forward to reading more hopefully soon

whether it was the mating pull or the dude was just to hot, but she gave up her virginity really quickly. As to what happens next? What will happen w/Vincent? Is there really no female who is going to be pissed off that they aren't the Queen Alpha? You have the opportunity to go in a few different directions right now. I look forward to see where you take it.

Please dont listen to the person that said they should mate in private do the story your way cant wait for more

I like the story so far. I like that her personality is not weak. I think that she is clearly her own person so it didn't seem incredibly crazy that she would give up her virginity that quickly and let him mate with her. I could believe with her being such an assertive person who knows herself well, that she could decide to accept things with the help of the pull/attraction. I am intrigued by his having other abilities other than speaking telepathically as most were stories include. I would like to see you show more of the powers he showed like putting her to sleep and feeling her emotions...they are usually more often ascribed to the vamps. I hope you have her show some discomfort at mating with an audience, etc. There would be some getting used to such a thing!

this story definately has some real potential, please keep it coming!!

but too much happened too quickly. It's makes some of her decisions very hard to believe. If all of that happened in 2 chapters, the story should be done within 4. I would have preferred if it had been stretched out for longer.

I will still keep an eye out for the next chapter, though!

..I suddenly feel dampness between ' his ' legs... .

Among other serious mistakes in sentence stracture,

that made me giggle..and that was not the point !

Good story but you can make it Very good with help.

Keep writing ,and thanks for your story.

you need an editor. also Nicole's personality is very two-faced. she says she is independent and all that and she sleeps with a guy she just met and submissively gives up her whole life??

on page 2 is like pretty predictable you could easly know what was going to happen

and she does not sound independent and it sounds like she gave up without even a fight to her free will

i mean like going though the college and everything and then THIS

to fast

Bit fast, still a good read with the grammatical errors.

The dialog is absolutely terrible and considering how this is written that makes the majority of it.

You have a lot of work to do to get your creative ideas written with a smooth flow, a realistic and believable dialogue, and a slower pace. I won't be continuing with this story since you have so much work to do to improve your writing (an editor would be a big help to you). But you are certainly creative, and I will keep an eye out for your next story after you have had time to practice and improve your story telling. Best of luck.

Two things mess this story up. 1) The dialogue seems awkward or robotic, it does not sound like a conversation an independent black woman would have, Your audience realizes she is black before she announces it when you mention Mary J. Blige CD. And 2) The grammatical errors are numerous. I plan on trying to finish this story, but there are stories that I have left because they had way more errors and ones with excellent editing but a boring story line. I wish there were more non-human stories with black woman, not necessarily biracial black woman. Please get an editor and keep writing. Thank you for allowing comments.

LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING HOW THE STORY CONTINUES.

NOW FOR THE PRUDES AKA LIARS THAT SEEMS TO WANT TO FORGET THAT THEY WERE YOUNG ONCE AND WILD AS HELL ALSO. HELL I'M A YOUNG 54YR OLD WOMAN AND WHEN I MEET A MAN THAT AROUSES MY SEXUAL SENSES AFTER A NIGHT OF DANCING AND THE FEELINGS ARE MUTUALS YES WE ARE GOING TO THE NEAREST HOTEL TO TAKE CARE OF OUR SEXUAL NEEDS. I CARRY MY OWN CONDOMS WITH ME AT ALL TIME. TROGAN MAGNUM'S EX-LARGE CAUSE IF A MAN CAN'T MEASURE UP TO THAT SIZE I HAVE NO USE FOR THE MAN AND TRUST ME I'VE ALREADY FELT HIM UP DOWN THERE TO KNOW BEFORE I WASTE MY TIME ON OR FOR NOTHING. I LIKE MY MEN YOUNG, GIFTED AND BLACK BUT I DO DATE OTHER RACES IF THE PACKAGE IS RIGHT. I'M AN EVER LOVING COUGAR AND I ENJOY MY SINGLE LIFE AND MY MEN TO MY LIKING.

I MET MY HUSBAND IN JULY, SLEPT WITH HIM ON OUR FIRST MEETING MOVED ACROSS THE STATE LINE 3 MONTHS LATER WOULD HAVE BEEN SOONER BUT MY SURGERY WAS SCHEDULED IN AUGUST AND I HAD TO GO BACK TO WORK BEFORE I QUIT BUT I SPENT MY ENTIRE MED'L LEAVE ACROSS THE STATE LINE. WE WERE MARRIED 3MTHS LATER AND STAYED MARRIED 16YRS UNTIL HIS DEATH. IT FELT RIGHT AND WE DID IT. MY CAREER WAS WELL ESTABLISHED AND I WANTED TO HAVE THE AMERICAN DREAM SO YES I GAVE IT ALL UP JUST AS YOUR CHARACTER DID AND NEVER LOOKED BACK. THOSE WHERE SOME OF THE HAPPIEST DAYS OF MY LIFE.

DON'T LET THE HATERS DISCOURAGE YOU FROM WRITING. GOOD LUCK

NOT ALL BLACK PEOPLE SPEAKS EBONICS OR OTHER FORMS OF BROKEN ENGLISH NOR DOES MARY J. HAS A BLACK AUDIENCE ONLY.. I WAS RAISED TO SPEAK CORRECTLY AND YES I DO CURSE BUT USUALLY IN FRENCH OR SPANISH AND WITHOUT HOLLERING MY HEAD OFF FOR THE NEIGHBORS TO HEAR IT 2 BLOCKS AWAY.

MSBLING59

This is a fairly stock werewolf story (not good not bad, just a comment) and one thing I would suggest is find something that might make your werewolves somewhat unique. It could be some power, a different way of shifting, something.

Another thing that was rather distracting was in many places with the dialogue you would change who was talking but not indicate that. In one spot you had both people speaking in the same paragraph. That made it very hard to follow along with. With a good editor they would catch (hopefully) these things and help you fix them.

I think the only other thing I would have to suggest is that you add some more detail since this seems to be a fairly dialogue driven story. When people are speaking they are usually thinking and feeling as well. Maybe flesh out the dialogue with detail on what they are thinking and feeling.

seemed a bit rushed.. she like immediately gave into the mating pull

This story seems to be a bad copy of another well written story published on here

This is one of my pet peeves: "I continued to jackhammer into her..." This isn't the proper way to treat a virgin. Even making allowances for werewolf-saliva healing powers.