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Latest 15 Reader Comments

Okay.. the story starts off kinda okay. You glossed over a bunch:
1. as was already said how does Mike know dave (dad jacob's lawyer) and Cindy (Dave's asst or paralegal) if the dad (Jacob) was barely around.
2. we can pull the info out and understand that Jennifer is mike's mom and she had an affair with jacob while he was with his wife.
3. Mike has no relationship with his half sisters.. porb due to the wife being a bitch. Mike is not to blame for what her husband did with Jennifer and to do such shows the heart of an piece of slime.
4. Jacob has money and has taken care of jennifer (and Mike thru jennifer) since then with a stipend and credit card.
5. jacob has some sort of super suit.. that either got passed on to Mike when he died or that he had 2 of and now Mike gets his as the only son it could be either but the first would seem to be the more obvious option.

Now as to what others have said.. so shall I.. one page does not a chapter make.. if you cant write at least 2-3 Literotica pages per chapter.. then combine the chapters. I am a writer and I do plan on posting soon.. but i write most if not all the story as I see it then post it in chapters one every few days or 1 a day..

My First Reading on Mind Control Stories

Well, as is my first reading on this type of stories, I can not comment extensively, but I seem to understand the concept well. Jennifer was the lover of Jacob, Mike's father, and him was the fruit of their relationship. At the death of Jacob, Mike was not invited to the funeral, and Jennifer nor was also (badly seen by society, as it had been an adulterous relationship). Mike's father's wife (Cindy?), tells Jennifer that she will continue to receive her assignment, and Mike receives his mysterious inheritance at special room, with mysterious doors that take him to another place (dimension?) when he says his name and lineage. It is understood that inheritance is not material, rather spiritual and / or magical. I do not quite understand that Mike grows in size for it, but it may not matter. It will be seen in other chapters.
5 * for you.
I apologize for my English (yet), is not my native language.

Great Second Part

I enjoyed the second chapter as much as I did the first. And I appreciate what one of the other anonymous readers said about experimenting with someone who is virtually a guinea pig over someone that Benjamin really cares about. If something goes wrong, at least let it happen to a stranger.

I hope this does not turn into just another pedestrian story where the protagonist has his way with a number of women and life is nothing more than a search for the next piece of ass. There are a lot of questions about the machine: Who built it? Why wasn't it destroyed when the project was abandoned? Will it do any lasting damage to those individuals who are affected by it? Will whomever built it eventually come looking for it? Will Benjamin become addicted to it?

This story could go into a lot of different directions. If it continues to be as well done as the first two chapters have been, then I will hang around for awhile.

Roger

One of the few times a story based on another is better than the original

I read the other first, it was easy to find, but it wasn't necessary. If you didn't know a few physical details were borrowed it wouldn't matter. 2 computers, a cap, a training program, yada yada,. Now it's all down to what the programmer adds to the code. And that's where this story takes off.
With a bit of creativity and a devious mind, the author, and his cast of characters are ready to perform in their own drama for us.

Good start, but....

It's a good start. But the last part from where he enters the door intovhis fathers office seemed rushed and disconnected from the way you fleshed out other scenes. Doors in front of him? How dI'd the doors appear in front of him when he jus went through them? You might want to re-write that last part. Otherwise I like where this could be heading. Thank you for your story.
DJ

Trite and Predictable.

So many of the "mind control" stories start this way as to be pretty much a formula. Single mom with son? Check. Distant/unknown father? Check. Now dead with mysterious inheritance? Check. Powers received from said dead unknown father? Check. Son transforms body? Check. Mom falls in lust with son? Check...

Take this as constructive criticism. If you are going to use a formula for a story you have got to do something unique or do it better than it has been done before, otherwise why read yours instead of just going back & re-reading other authors who have done the same formula before?

Lookie Lookie

I gave this a five because of the very arousing action going on. I feel this is a site for original erotica to amuse, arouse and entertain me.[ not me alone] Shit I'm married to a teacher, my lover was a teacher, my daughters... etc. sooooo. if you are seeking good writing skills lend a hand and edit for the people who need it! At first I certainly did.
Jkthekat
[ Jack the kat for you discriminating readers ]

MORE PLEASE!

I like your story. It's fascinating. Please write more. Thank you.

Great, smart story.

This is one great, smart story. You can tell the writer put a hell of a lot of thought into it and has the imagination and top notch writing skills to pull it all off.

I love the slow pace. Not some quick induction then onto sex like so many. What good or erotic is mind control if you don't know what the victim is like before they start to become changed? Firstborn does a great job of doing this with Maggie and Rachel.

He didn't go right back to Maggie, who be cares about, in his own way but instead decided to use and even perhaps sacrifice Rachel to test his machine. That also begs the thought of what other things the machine may do to the college students mind and personality that he doesn't plan. And that is not to mention the things he does plan for her. One can see how this story may get very dark which is something I'm partial too in erotic mind control.

There's more to eroticism in these kinds of stories, if they are top notch than just induction and sex. Firstborn seems to know this very well. He makes Rachel a very confident, sexual, dominant young woman. You know from her scenes here that in college and her other life she is very personable, well liked, very assertive, very in control of her life and what she wants to do. Great grades, many friends, life of the party, just that kind of rare girl that everyone wants to be around.

To see her unknowingly lose that first subtle bit of control over her life and personality after that first session as the first addictive hook was planted was just so very hot and erotic. Just spectacular stuff. WOW!

This story may end up an all time classic in the genre, not just for this site but any EMC site on the net.

I would've given this story ten stars if I could. I can't wait for the next chapter. Seriously.

Great, great job, Firstborn. You are killing it!

What a fantastic writer you are. It should be your profession!!
Thanks!!:))

Take the comments to heart BUT !

DON'T YOU DARE STOP WRITING! Great plots and stories. Flowing and entertaining. I too get the 'helpful comments and they can stress you out. I overlook the all but blatant bad edits and try to enjoy the offering- don't have to try hard in your case.
Jack

5 stars

I think this is very good. Interesting characters. Slightly ominous machine and mysterious people who made it. It's all building nicely.

Love it

Thanks for sharing.

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