10 Years a Slave - A Memoir Ch. 02

5 - The One When I Give In

I didn't go back home for a couple days, and stayed one of my friends. I didn't tell anyone about what happened, just told them that we had a big fight with Ellie and I need some time alone. I didn't call her, she didn't call me. I also avoided school just not to see her.

But I managed to keep myself away from her only three days before going back home a night. She was watching TV when I opened the door, but turned it off before I walked in to the living room. She was sitting on the sofa, her legs tucked under her, and with a blanket over. She said nothing, but watched me carefully.

"Ellie, I think we need to talk."

"I'm listening."

"Were you serious on what you said?"

"About what"

"About fucking that prick all summer?"

"You come back and before apologising, this is the first thing you are talking about?"

"I'm sorry, should I apologise?"

"Yes, you should. You promised me how many times to not leave me? And here, you just left me alone for three days? No messages, no calls, nothing. And you just come back asking me how many times I fucked a guy?"

"Yes, exactly. I want to know how many times you cheated on me."

"I have nothing to talk to you until you apologise. You are the one who left, and you are the one who came back. You should speak first."

"First I want you to promise on something, no yelling, no tantrums, no crying, okay?"

"Fine, go on."

"I think you don't realise what you are doing to me. I have shown my love to you many times. I have committed to you and stick to my word. You went there and cheated on me. And now you expect an apology from me? Does that makes sense to you?"

"Yes it does."

"But how?"

"Are you going to apologise first, or would you like to leave already?"

"But, apologise for what?"

"For what you did."

"Okay, fine. I apologise to you for leaving you and not calling you for three days."

"And?"

"And what?"

"Is that all you did to me?"

"Ellie, what are you talking about? I don't understand."

"Then go and think for three more days. I have time."

"I am really speechless. Tell me what I did to you that needs an apology?"

"You broke all your promises. Every single one. And you need to apologise to me for every single one."

I sighed. Had nothing to say.

"If you have a doubt, you know the way out."

"Okay, okay. I apologise to you, for all the promises I broke."

"What are those?"

"The one I promised to stay committed to you until we got married. And the one that I will never leave you, no matter what."

"Is that all?"

"Is there anything else?"

"Yes, I guess 3 days is not enough for you to think."

"Please tell me what it is."

"You promised to not to talk about what happened last summer."

"But you talked about it!"

"I didn't promise to not talk about it. It was you."

"Okay. I apologise for talking about what happened last summer."

"Show it to me. Show that you are really sorry. Then we will talk about us, if you really love me, show me."

"But how?"

"Beg me to forgive you."

"What?"

"You heard me. Get on your knees, and beg me to forgive you. Only then I will talk to you."

I felt desperate. I was being humiliated, but still had a hope to fix things and make this relationship work. And I was still believing that she was loving me. So, I swallowed my pride, walked towards her, and got on my knees in front of my girlfriend.

"Now promise me for these again."

"I will stay committed to you until we got married. I will never leave you for whatever reason. And I will never talk about what happened last summer ever again." And after a very short break, I added: "Even if you talk about it."

"That was easy, wasn't it?"

"Ellie, but it doesn't feel right."

She reached out to me, and hugged me tightly.

"I love you so much Ellie."

"I love you too, babe. And nothing can break our bond. I love you so much."

We went to our bed together. Got naked, and started playing with each other. I realised how much I missed the old us. How much I missed fooling around with this silly girl. And how much I missed her beautiful body.

6 - The one where we calm down

We went back to normal for a while after that short break-up, and mostly picked up from where we left. We were having fun together once again. We were going out to see friends, hang out with people, and do whatever the other normal couples were doing.

One major difference was what was happening in our sex life. After that big fight, when I returned home, the fleshlight had already disappeared, but the dildo had its permanent place in our bedside table. She was calling it "The Dick". And we were playing with it a lot. I was helping her cum with that almost every night. After a quick foreplay, she was asking for "The Dick", and I was reaching out to it. To be honest, The Dick really improved her pleasure in bed, and it had its own benefits for me as well. Once she's orgasmed, she was starting to playing with me with her fingers eagerly. And occasionally, if she doesn't feel like it, I was getting a footjob while watching her beautiful body from behind. But I never talked about the "real sex" after our fight. I was happy with what I have, and she was happy with what she has.

One other difference maybe I need to mention was; she was making comments or tasteless jokes about her "last summer" here and there. As I promised to her, I never replied. Even though it hurts, I had to keep my mouth shut and make my peace with it. But I still remember some instances when it hurt the most.

One of those comments was when we were watching porn together. Yeah, we were doing it occasionally. We were watching porn sometimes while lying down on our bed, and touching each other. That time, I was pleasuring her slowly with "The Dick", while she was holding her phone to watch porn. The screen wasn't visible to me, as I was busy with her naked body and The Dick. Suddenly, she said "ah that was my favourite". I stopped, looked at her. I was hearing clapping sounds but had no idea what she's looking at, and what was her favourite. Without looking away from the screen, she told me to continue and she orgasmed within a couple minutes. After we're done and lying on the bed, I asked her what was her favoruite. And she replied me saying that I'll learn once we got married. I made no comments.

Another instance was when she untentionally talked about the "taste of cum". It was particularly humiliating for me, because it happened in the middle of our friends. Don't remember the context as it's been a century ago but it was a casual hangout with our friends. She told that she was expecting it to be sweet, but it's actually kind of "bitter". Everyone was thinking that it was mine, but only I and Ellie knew that it was someone else's. Because, she never sucked me, or tasted my cum in our entire relationship.

Last one happened when the Christmas break was approaching. She was going back to her parents for two weeks, and told me that she "should pay a quick visit to that guy". I raised my eyebrows and looked at her with shock, but got relieved when she laughed and told me that she's just joking.

So after these and some other events, I was almost entirely sure that it wasn't a one time thing, they made sex in several cases with some different positions, and she was still thinking about it after all that time. But I kept my promise as I didn't want to hurt our relationship. Back then it was going pretty well, like our good old days. And I had no intention to lose Ellie for something I had already forgave.

Also, another thing that worth mentioning here is the changing dynamics of our relationship. Retrospectively thinking, that autumn semester was the first time where we started switching to a more controlled relationship. It was not only about the sex, or "what-happened-last-summer", but in a bit more general terms. Now thinking I realise that she decision-maker on most of the things, like which movie to watch, where to go for dinner, what should I wear that day, and so on. For example, one habit that she picked up and became a common joke amongst our friends was, when we were out ordering food, she was usually ordering two dishes that she'd like to have; one for me and one for her. And once the food arrives, she was tasting both, and giving me the one that she didn't like. I was also doing her assignments for most of the time. She was saying that, as I was a year ahead and have done most of these stuff before, I was able to do them much easier and faster than her. Well, she had a point and I was happy to be able to help her. But only time it bothered me was when she went out with Gina(the girl that were with Ellie the day we met) and left me home to complete her quite tedious assignment. But other than those, we were a very happy, young couple with a healthy relationship, surrounded with good friends and living the best of their life together.

So, the Christmas break was approaching and I was getting nervous. I didn't want her to go back, because of obvious reasons. I knew that she wanted to have sex with this guy again, as she subtly admittedd too here and there, with her "jokes". But, I wasn't brave enough to talk about it, and hurt our relationship right before the break, so I made a plan. Using the money I was saving for a while, I made a booking for a week-long ski trip. I knew that it was not realistic to keep her away from the family during the Christmas, but I would at least shorten the time for a handful of days and make her come back to me without doing something she would regret afterwards. With all the travel times included, she'd have only 4 days with the family after our ski trip. I prepared a nice dinner once day for her, and while we were eating, I revealed my suprise to her. To my luck, she was very excited and accepted to come with me. So, the plan worked and we went to a ski trip. But, funnily, while she was rearranging her tickets for the family visit, she realised that she only has 4 days with them, and looked at me saying "ah now I see what you did, smart move" and she said. I don't remember what was my response, but I remember that I felt lucky because it didn't cause a problem between us.

So, we had an amazing trip together, did some ski, had a lot of mulled wine, fell asleep in front of hotel's fireplace several times, and to this day it is still the best holiday I had. But everything has an end, and when I was dropping her to the airport eventually for the Christmas break, she hugged me, longer than she normally does, and told me that she loves me, and will never do something that would upset me. I responded, saying I know, and added; "go and have fun."

I was with my family over the Christmas too. Even though it was just 4 days, and we were constantly texting each other, I was still very, very nervous. And couldn't calm myself down for most of the time. And finally, that 4 painful days have ended, and we met in the airport with my girlfriend to go back to our home, and continue living our life together.

7 - The one where I started to accept my fate

We made it back home from the airport together. Dreaming about her touch for last four days, I didn't wait to start kissing her, and she didn't wait to return my eager kisses. We quickly got undressed and made it to our bed. To my suprise, she reached out to the lubricant, poured it in her hand, and started stroking me slowly. I was suprised, because we were almost exclusively using that for her time with "The Dick". All my handjobs were dry ones, or with a little juice from her pussy, or saliva. But this time, she started stroking me slowly, and it was crazy, much much better. I was lying on my back, where she was right next to me sideways, kissing my face, neck and stroking me meanwhile. Then, she whispered.

"Thanks babe, I had some fun like you asked me to. And this is your reward."

With the heat of that moment, I didn't understand what she was implying, and got carried over with her touch, forgetting everything for a couple moments, until I cum into my stomach with her soft and slow touch. She let me catch my breathe while she was playing with my cum with her fingers. After a while, once I got my head together she climbed over me, sat right on my face, grabbed my hair and pushed me towards her pussy. I started doing my job expertly.

Watching her from below, her boobs jumping over my head, her thighs squeezing my face, her juice in my mouth was the heaven for me. I was thinking how much I love this little lady when I watch her reaching orgasm, full of herself.

Once done, she laid right next to me, just like when she was stroking me, and started playing with my already semi-hard dick.

"Did you like the lubricant?" she asked.

"That was amazing." I responded. And she giggled. I was getting hard once again, and she reached to the lubricant: "Do you want again?"

"Yes, please." I whispered.

"But I'll do it so slowly, I want you to enjoy it long enough. You deserve it babe."

I was really enjoying it, long and slowly. My favourite. But then, she said something:

"You know, it's so different."

"What is?"

"The orgasms you give me, and the ones he gives."

"What?"

"It's like totally different. With you, it's so full of us. I feel love when we're having sex with you. When I orgasm, I feel the bond we have. But with him, it's pure lust, and I feel like a woman, not a girlfriend."

It was the first time she was speaking this openly about her experience. And to be honest with you -as there is no point of lying after all those years and what happened afterwards-, I genuinely thought that she was speaking about the last summer. But she carried on:

"Thank you for letting me feeling like a woman. I love you so much, and I am the luckiest woman on earth."

I was barely conscious with her skillful touches, so couldn't utter a word. Like she said, I was full of love, full of us at that point. She was running her fingertips on my shaft, up and down. Making small circles on the tip of my penis, before making her way back to my balls slowly. I was feeling her breathe on my neck, as she whispered in my ear:

"Thank you for letting me have fun. And I promise I will always come back to you. And I will give you the most amazing orgasms. You deserve the best, babe."

These were the last words I heard before cumming on my stomach once again, with a powerful orgasm.

It took me a while to pull myself together. She was under my arm, and resting her head on my shoulder. Her hair was covering my chest partially. I started brushing her hair slowly. I was feeling peaceful, and to my suprise, I was not angry with her, even though I was not expecting what she said.

"Did you really do that?"

"Did what?"

"Had sex with that guy again?"

"Yeah, but you told me that I can?"

"No I didn't, when?"

It might be the strangest conversation a couple ever had in the world. She was telling me that she cheated on me, again, while I was brushing her soft hair. And we were talking about it calmly as if we were talking about what to eat. But it was also the most intimate, most candid conversation I have ever had in my life. So, roughly it happened like this:

"But you said go and have fun. I thought you were talking about it?"

"No I was talking about your time with the family."

She continued after a short silence:

"Are you upset?"

"I am confused. I don't know how to feel."

"Don't be. I love you so much babe. And what we have is invaluable. It doesn't matter if I go there and fuck someone. Look, here I am with you again in our bed, naked, and we are covered with our juices. You know why? Because of what we have."

"But I don't understand, if you love me, why do you go to someone else for sex?"

"Maybe this is exactly why we love each other so much? It is the first promise we gave to each other. No sex. And this tied us to each other. This is why you're lusting for me day and night. And this is why I enjoy seeing this in your eyes, and this is what I love in you. The passion you have for me is our secret babe."

"So, can I go and have sex with someone else too?"

"No, this would break the spell."

"But why? I don't understand."

"I don't understand too. But I thought about it a lot. And I think I have a guess. It's the difference between a man and a woman. A man wants to conquer a woman, and get in to bed with her. Once he fucks a woman, it's done. He succeeds. He fulfills his role. So he can move to the next woman to conquer. But if a man can't conquer that lady, what happens?"

"What?"

"This. Love. What we have."

It made sense to me to be honest, and I was getting into acceptance.

"But what about a woman? What it is like for you?"

"For a woman, what matters is having a man's passion. A woman wants to see the passion every day and night. Right next to her, looking to her with eyes filled with lust. As long as you have this passion, this is the success for that woman. But if you let this man conquer you, you'll lose that passion. And that same man will start looking at you like anyone else. I didn't know this until I meet you. But the first night we spent together, the affection, dedication I saw in your eyes struck me. You were filled with me even after you came in your pants. And every night after that, I rejected you, and it grew bigger and bigger inside you. This is why we are so special."

I fell silent. What she was saying was feeling like the absolute truth to me. I couldn't find any point to object her. And I was also amazed the wisdom of this 19-year old lady. I was really impressed by her intelligence and the grasp of this strange dynamic between men and women. But I had another question.

"But, why it would not break spell if you have sex with someone else, but it does when I do?"

"It's a risk. I took the risk, and here I am with you. So I succeeded. I proved my love to you. Because I was certain of my feelings. But what if you took the same risk, but fail? How can I trust that you'll be back to me? I don't want to lose you. So, you can't have sex, until I say so."

"But you can?"

"Yes!" She giggled. "Because it's an amazing feeling. But I want you to be OK with that. Do you know how happy you made me when you said "go and have fun", even though you wasn't talking about it? I felt your trust in me, and I was empowered. Knowing that a man lusts for me, waiting for me, and loving me endlessly makes the sex much better babe. Because I felt free to explore my instincts, without thinking about the other person. I knew that I will come back to you anyways, regardless of what I do with this guy. So it was much better this time. I don't want this to end. But I want you to be OK with that. Only then I can feel empowered, and free to explore myself. I promise, I will be the perfect wife once we get married, and you will be the happiest husband. And you will not regret it."

I was silent. I had no points to object her. I was loving this girl with all my life, and maybe she was right. Maybe, actually the no-sex rule was making me feel like this since the beginning. And I realised that I didn't want to lose it. I shut my eyes:

"So, are you OK with that babe?"

I sighed:

"Yes, I guess."

She cheered a little, climbed on top of me, and started kissing all over my face. I was happy.