All Comments on 'A Change in Perception'

You should take the time to engage an editor to help you pre read your article. You would catch mistakes like "were of the leftover Indian in her fridge and her bed" This is very confusing. Is the leftovers in the fridge and the Indian in her bed? By capitalizing the word Indian you have made it a person. An editor would have pointed this out to you and correction could have been made before you submitted. Also, it is a little short for my taste. I do not read anything that is more than three pages but one and a half to two pages is the length I look for.

I thought for a first submission, this was very good. I believe a story like this would make a great first chapter so that in future chapters you could get more into backstory of “Sir” while also explaining the techniques he uses to control his victims.

Short but good introduction. 3 pages is a good chapter size. And I happen you add many chapters on to this. I personally like a lighter touch. Not a complete rewriting of the girl in a single sitting. I'd love it if she woke up on the bus and felt she'd dreamed of that session with the strange man. Over next few days she feels curiosity and a draw to see. She feels compelled to go to the house to see if it was true. She sees him on the bus and has another "dream". She goes to work and finds herself deferring to men she asserted herself to previously. She finds herself constantly wet and daydreaming. She finds herself calling subordinates "Sir" and "Ma'am" and though she has a boyfriend, she finds herself fantasizing about men (and some women) that come through her till.

Another day, another nap on the ride home. Next day at work she has to resist when an angry customer yells at her "Kiss my ass!" to keep her knees from buckling and dropping to a kneel to comply. Walk us through her embarrassment and humiliation in each event and almost action.

Maybe she sees the strange man on the bus again and feels compelled to talk to him. She cant help but be honest and lays everything out for him about how she's been dreaming about him and behaving lately. He says he may know what she's going through. Draw out how humiliated she is at revealing all this. He says it sounds like someone who wants to submit and be owned but doesn't have a master yet. So she finds her body craving to submit to anyone she meets. Finally she gets the nerve to ask him.

Then walk us through her becoming his plaything. And at each step, she has to consciously choose to submit, to obey, to humiliate and degrade herself. That's something that is lost when she is simply a mindless robot or simply brainwashed to be completely happy and content with each act.

But its your story. And was pretty good for a first time. Looking forward to more.