A Man Alone

After visiting with most of my close relatives I had decided to take a hike into the Sierra Nevada over the weekend. I was in the best physical shape I had ever been in. To be honest, I liked the mountains now. They had a majesty that transformed you--it was the sense of awe they provided. You were so small--they were so large and enduring.

At twenty-five, I was young, full of energy, and looking forward to what lay ahead. With my educational benefits, I would return to my college education after discharge from active duty. I had been the first woman in my family to attend college. I was determined that in two years' time I would finish and have my diploma. Just as I had been the only woman to join the military, I would be the first college graduate. My decision to join the Marines was not met with universal approval by all of my relatives--especially the men. At least my educational aspirations met with greater approval.

It was Yosemite National Park that called to me. It was close enough to Sacramento that I could borrow a family car, be there in a few hours, and then return late after a full day. I had gotten up early and left, grabbing breakfast at a fast food place on the way. I ate as I continued driving eastward climbing steadily into the foothills leading to the higher peaks.

Afghanistan had changed me. I hadn't ever thought of going to the mountains before. I was always content just to know they were there. If it hadn't been for the danger of men with guns, I would have enjoyed some of my time in the mountains there.

After arriving at the park I made my way to the visitor center. I spoke to a ranger and reviewed a map of the trails. Once I made my selection, I drove to the trailhead, donned my backpack filled with salty snacks, food for lunch, and plenty of water. It was a light load--no flak vest, combat knife, ammunition, or rifle to trifle with. I felt as if the world was a beautiful place as I gazed up at the towering peaks surrounded by a blue sky with fluffy white clouds. Damn it was nice to be home!

As I hiked, I encountered few hikers as I made steady progress upward. I thought back to the days of walking in file, to Ahlum, Terri Burke, Bruce Sullivan, and so many others. It wasn't all that long ago, yet it seemed a lifetime ago. The war had brought us together at one point, then had drawn us apart. I guess life is like that, organized, yet not.

I walked on alone lost in my thoughts, not paying attention to where my feet fell on the trail. I stumbled a bit and vowed to pay more attention. I didn't need to turn an ankle out there by myself. It did feel good to be wearing shorts and a tee-shirt in the warming sun. At least it wasn't going to go above one hundred ten degrees--an experience I would never forget.

I had reached an overlook along the trail and stood admiring the landscape. It was beautiful--peaceful. How I hoped my service would have brought similar peace to others. I turned to advance up the trail when I saw a man in a green and tan uniform, a park ranger, approaching. Four other hikers had come up the trail behind me and when they reached him, they stood conversing with animated gestures.

I approached the group and started walking around them picking my way carefully along the edge of the trail. I had walked a few steps beyond the group when I heard a call, "Mitri, watch your step."

I froze, I knew that voice. But knew it simply couldn't be. I turned slowly, "Staff Sergeant Sullivan?"

"That's Ranger Sullivan," came a jaunty reply.

I watched as the other hikers walked off and shifted my eyes to the man standing in front of me. I found myself looking into the beautiful blue eyes of Bruce Sullivan. My pulse quickened and I felt a happiness that wasn't explicable except in one way. I knew exactly what I wanted to do, but wasn't sure how he would respond if I did. I felt kind of stupid just standing there, a smile on my face, not knowing exactly what to do, or say.

"Adeela, it's okay. I'm not in your chain of command any longer. You're still a Marine, I'm not."

He remembered my first name. I had never heard him say it before, and it sent me reeling mentally. His words were as if from another time and place, not here, not now.

"Sullivan, I didn't ever..."

"It's Bruce, and I didn't either. Would you mind if I gave you a hug?"

I don't remember thinking about an answer. I just stepped to him and wrapped my arms around him, and held on. I felt his hands come to my arms, his hands grasping me firmly. I silently cursed the presence of my backpack. It didn't allow him to hold me tighter. If he had only known how often he had come into my mind since I saw him leave in that chopper.

I felt him release me and I stepped back, looked at him, and saw his broad smile. I don't think I had ever seen him with a smile that wide--I decided I liked how he looked wearing one.

"How did you know it was me? I mean, I'm not in uniform, in a place you would never expect to see me? I can't believe I've run into you. I mean, I have so many questions to ask you," I said like an excited school girl.

His smile broadened, "I tend to remember a woman I've slept with. Especially, the most beautiful one."

I stood in stunned silence. Here I was in one of the most beautiful places I had ever been, and a man I had spent months with thinking he didn't like me just told me I was beautiful. His words whirled around in my mind. My thoughts going in circles--he had liked me, he liked me now, he really did like me, and he thought I was beautiful. Was this for real?

"Sulli... Bruce. I don't know what to say. I thought... well... I thought you didn't like me. That you put up with me because you had no choice. It was the mission that was important and nothing more."

"Adeela, the first time I looked into your eyes I knew I would never forget you--I haven't. But, I had a job to do and that meant putting my personal wishes and emotions aside. The most important thing I could do was to keep you as safe as I could. I wanted to tell you before I left that I wanted to see you again. But, I decided against it, a decision I always regretted."

I saw the tenderness in his expression and in his eyes--the eyes I thought could see right into me. Eyes that saw I was taken with him from our very first meeting. Those eyes looked at me now, tempting me, warming me.

"Bruce, I always thought you knew how I felt. That you somehow saw what I chose not to reveal to you, or anyone else. You always held me away and after a while, I felt I was wrong to feel as I did."

He put his hand against my cheek and smiled, "Adeela, I knew. Your eyes told me. Even when you wore a niqab in a village I could tell. Especially then, as the eyes are a window to the soul. I think you knew I felt the same about you, but you dared not acknowledge it."

I drew a deep breath--he had known. I took my hand and placed it over his hand on my cheek and closed my eyes. All those months, we had been so close, yet so far. I opened my eyes as his hand came away from my face. I felt a warm rush of excitement flow through me. In a matter of minutes, our past had rushed up to inform the present, and influence the future.

"Adeela, do you want to hike farther? I can go with you as I don't have to be back to the ranger station at any specific time."

"Yes, I would like that. It would be nice to walk together and not worry someone was going to try and kill us."

Bruce laughed as he looked at me, "You know it does make the hike more enjoyable." Then he held out his hand to take mine--I looked at it in amazement.

"You won't get into trouble for holding my hand will you?" I asked earnestly.

"Depends," he replied.

"On what?" fearing it might jeopardize his job.

"On how well we can behave ourselves. Holding hands could escalate to other things that wouldn't be acceptable for a ranger on duty."

I looked at him with a smile, "I promise to be good." My heart beat hard in my ears--this was unreal.

We hiked up the trail for another half an hour to the next overlook, holding hands once in a while as the trail permitted. It had been a long while since I had held hands with a man, or been kissed. It seemed as if it had been a lifetime ago. The thrill I felt as we stood hand in hand looking over the forested valley together was stupefying. I removed my backpack and set it on the ground. Then I stepped to him, and put my arms around him. I needed to feel him against me as I had when we shared the sleeping bag together.

It was a memory I hadn't been able to erase from my memory over all these months. When his arms came around me to pull me close I closed my eyes, I lay my head against him. Once again, his manly odor filled my nostrils and I was back in that warm sleeping bag high in the mountains of Afghanistan. It amazed me my memory served me so well after a single night being close to him.

I heard his voice in my ear, soft, low, tender, "I never thought I would hold you like this Adeela."

"Bruce, I promise you this will not be the last time. I have less than two months before I'm released from active duty. I report to Twentynine Palms after my leave is over. It's less than a full day's drive from here."

We hiked back to the trailhead, bringing each other up to date on what had happened while we were apart. Once back at the trailhead he walked to his truck and checked in by radio with his dispatcher. I waited as I wondered how we would part. It would be awkward for both of us--I really didn't want to leave him so soon. Fate had brought us together again in a miraculous way--I was loath to end our time together any sooner than necessary. But, I had promised to return the car, so it would be available for use the next day. I had no choice but to leave in a few hours.

I smiled, "I'll be right behind you. We have things to talk about yet."

I followed him the five miles back to the visitor center, entering a parking lot, passing a sign that read 'authorized vehicles only.' I pulled in beside his pickup as he pulled his backpack out of the cab.

"I'll be right back," he smiled.

I watched as he walked away, appreciating his sturdy form--his narrow hips below broad shoulders, and buns cute as hell. I let out a slow breath. Yeah, he looked every bit as good as he ever had. I was sure he must have a girlfriend by now, though he hadn't mentioned it. Though I was sure we hadn't discussed the most private aspects of our lives while we were hiking.

A few minutes later he walked out to the car and got in with a smile, "I'm buying, the concessionaire is about a mile away."

"Hi, Bruce," the shapely blonde with blue eyes and deep cleavage smiled as we looked over the menu on the wall.

"Joan, nice to see you. I'd like a cheeseburger and a large Coke. I'm paying for whatever this lady decides to get."

Joan gave me the once over. I ordered a hot dog and medium Coke. A hot dog was something I hadn't enjoyed yet since I'd arrived home. After adding some mustard and onions to my dog we found a table and sat down.

"So, you already have the girls lined up huh? Looks to me like she's interested."

"She is. But, she's not my type. A little too bubbly and too young."

I was surprised as she was a very attractive woman. I wasn't sure if I should try to find out more. I was trying to frame a question as he smiled at me.

"Since I've gotten back, I've gone through training for the ranger position. I've been taking a college course to continue working on an undergraduate degree in biology. I really haven't had time to do much more. It's a good distance to campus from here, and I have to study too."

I looked at him puzzled. "How did you get this job if you don't have more education?"

"I tested out, plus with my veterans' credit, it gave me preference if I scored the same as anyone else. I scored near the top, so I got the open position at the time."

"So, you're not seeing anyone?"

"No, there aren't too many women my age here not married already. I was lucky enough to get an apartment in employee housing, so I have a place to live. It's hard to ignore the beautiful views every morning when you get up, that's worth a lot too."

"Bruce, may I ask you a personal question?"

He looked at me with an uncomfortable expression, "How personal?"

"Something about your family. After you flew out to return home I realized you never received any mail. I just wondered why."

He looked at me with a pained expression, which showed a touch of sadness. I felt perhaps I had asked the wrong question.

"I don't have any family. When I was ten, my parents died in an automobile accident. Since I was an only child I have no siblings. My maternal grandparents took me in and raised me. My dad's parents had already passed. My grandfather died when I was sixteen, so it was just my grandmother left. After graduating high school, I started college and my grandmother passed away less than a year later. I don't know... I guess I was completely lost with no relatives, no one to anchor me. The house was nothing but a reminder of my grandparents and... well...I just needed someplace to belong. I sold their house after deciding to join the Marines. I guess that's it in a nutshell."

His reply knocked me off my feet. I had no idea when I asked the question I would get a response like that. I could hardly relate at all. I had an extended family who formed an extensive support network. What I couldn't ask my parents, I could always ask my aunt, or a female cousin. But to have no one, no one at all, was something I was having a hard time grasping.

I wanted to hug him and tell him I was so sorry. Even before I finished the thought he was moving his chair. "Come on, I don't want to be a downer, let me show you my apartment. It's not far."

We walked to my car and fifteen minutes later we pulled into a group of residential homes for park service staff. After getting out of the car we walked to one end of the duplex. Bruce held the door for me as I walked in.

My first glance felt painful. The apartment was almost barren, with only a few pieces of well-worn furniture. Obviously, these had either come with the apartment, handed down as others left for another position not wanting it any longer. It was a single bedroom apartment, separate bathroom, combination living/dining room, and kitchen. It was clean if nothing else. The only hint of color came from a bookcase filled with hardbound textbooks and hardbound classics. There was a picture calendar hanging on the wall, the only other adornment adding color to the bland beige painted walls.

The bedroom contained a double bed with a plain green bedspread, a small dresser, and a nightstand. On the dresser were two photographs in frames. One was a photograph of a young boy with his parents, the other of the same boy with an older man and woman--I presumed his grandparents. I felt my eyes begin to water--this was simply so sad.

Then, I noticed a framed photograph on the wall--it was a group photograph of the unit we both served with while in Afghanistan. I was in the photograph--taken the week before Bruce left to return home. I realized it was a portrait of his last family while in the Corps. It was gut-wrenching and I tried hard not to show it as I recognized its significance. I wondered what happened to the digital file I had given him before he left the outpost of Ahlum, him, and me before she left.

"Bruce, are you home?" A female voice called out from the front door.

Bruce stepped out of the bedroom, "Yeah, Wanda. I'm here, be right there."

We walked out to the living room and out the door to a woman holding a three-year-old boy in her arms. She smiled as we stepped out into the sunshine.

"I wasn't sure whose car this was, so I thought I'd check," she offered.

"Thanks, I was showing Adeela my apartment. She's a friend of mine from the Corps. We happened to run into one another on the trail today."

She stepped to me and took my hand with a smile, "Pleasure to meet you."

"Likewise," I replied as the small boy reached out for Bruce from her arms. I was even more surprised when Bruce took him up, showing a broad smile, "Mr. Bruce, you home to play now?"

"In a little while Rusty. Right now, I have to get Ms. Mitri back to the visitor center. Then I'll be back and we can play."

Rusty's smile grew.

Wanda smiled, "My husband, Jack, will be off duty in about two hours, so Bruce watches Rusty most nights while I make dinner."

We watched as Bruce tickled Rusty as he squirmed in his arms, laughing all the while. Finally, Bruce handed Rusty back to his mother.

"Okay, I'll be back as soon as I can."

At the staff parking area, we said our goodbyes. This time I made sure Bruce gave me his business card, and asked him to put his cell phone number on the back. We shared a quick hug and I left for home with mixed emotions. It had been a wonderful day of exploring part of the park. While not a bad experience with Bruce, it was a sobering one.

I couldn't help but feel he was a man no one really knew. His attachments to people seemed tentative and superficial. He was a handsome man who cared for people despite the fact he seemed to have so little--he was a survivor.

The smile on his face as he held Rusty was among the brightest I had ever seen--it matched the smile he had given me on the trail. He had been delighted to see me as much as I had been to see him. Now, I wondered where it left us. I surely didn't know. The reality of his life now colored my past infatuation. I know he didn't want my pity, and I wondered now if that was all I had to give--something he didn't want.

It was four days later and Bruce kept popping into my mind. No matter how hard I tried, the image of him and his apartment stirred deep emotions inside me. It seemed such a man deserved more out of life than what he had. I finally sat down and tried to explain my feelings to my mother. She looked at me with a smile. "You know when a man stirs your emotions like this it means you have an attachment deeper than you care to admit to yourself. How would you feel if you didn't ever see him again now that you know where to find him?"

"Mom, I don't know. I really don't. If I see him again, I know our relationship will not be as it was while we were in the Marines. It can't be as we're in a different place and time. I'll be out of the Marines soon and ready to finish my undergraduate degree. It seems as if we are ships passing in the night once again."

"Adeela, what will it hurt to call him and see him a few times before you return to duty? Perhaps, you're over-thinking this. Trust your heart. If you trust one another, one of those ships in the night can change course and go in the same direction where both can find safe harbor."

I smiled, "Thank you Mom, I hadn't thought of it that way."

"Daughter, your sisters, and you have always been strong. From what you have told me of Bruce you have something to share with him he needs more than he knows."

I was puzzled, "Mother, I'm not sure what you mean."

"First, you can offer him friendship, second love, then lastly, family. No man can be truly complete in his life without all three of these things."

I went to bed that night lost in thought. I wondered how my mother could be so wise. I did have something to offer Bruce other than pity--I could care. Just as he had cared enough to get in my face when I needed it in Afghanistan.

The next day I waited until seven in the evening to call him. I could tell he was surprised to hear my voice. We talked for over an hour and when we ended we had made plans for me to visit him after the weekend was over. Being low man on the totem pole meant the busy weekends were his to cover--just as in the military, shit rolls downhill.

I made up my mind to buy a car. That way I didn't have to borrow one from a family member. I could use it to travel to Twentynine Palms instead of taking a bus, and have freedom of movement once there. I had my father go with me, and before the day was out, I had an almost new four-wheel-drive Jeep. One good thing about being stationed in a remote outpost in Afghanistan--I didn't have any place to spend my pay for a year. I was able to pay cash, and still had money in the bank. Even after getting license plates and insurance, my bank account was very healthy.