A Wife, A Secret Life and Discovery

"Whoa, slow down. I didn't say that."

"Choice, are we going for lunch then?"

"Yeah, let me grab my jacket."

Lunch was nice, it was just a cafe and a couple of salad rolls, sausage rolls and coffee. What made it nice was Leeza, she brought with her this ball of effervescence, a positive energy. She was hard to be sad or angry around.

We made plans for dinner later. I decided to call Ava, to save an argument later.

"Ian, what can I do for you?" She said warmly.

"Nothing actually. I'm just letting you know. I won't he home for dinner tonight."

The phone seemed immediately colder, heavier. "I see." She said after a drawn out pause. "Do I assume, it's another date, and you will not be coming home either."

"Probably not. I might see you tomorrow night."

The phone beeping angrily in my hand signalled the call was over.

Leeza, was her usually buoyant self. Full of laughter, funny stories, and engaging conversation. With dinner finished, she said. "We could go somewhere for a drink, the nights still young."

"Yeah, but not a late one. I have work, and you have Uni."

Sitting at The Fiddlers Arms, drinks in hand, I asked. "So how come you don't have a boyfriend or something?"

"Truth, or bullshit?" She asked.

"Truth please, I've heard enough bullshit recently."

"Okay dude, here we go. I'm bi, I don't usually date men. In reality, I'm probably more lesbian than bi, but occasionally. I make an exception. You sir, are the third guy I've ever bonked."

"Jesus, Christ... Really?"

"Yeah, sorry. Does that freak you out?"

"It scares the shit out of me. Which brings me back to, why me?"

"I dunno, can't explain it. I like you. Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for a relationship, or a partner. This is just for fun dude. Got it, no expectations, no lies, no what about us shit."

"Yeah, okay, I can go with that, but if you prefer girls, surely what we do, that must leave you wanting something else, something more?"

"Dude, you could be a lesbian. You've got the most talented tongue of anyone I've been with. Like I said to yah the first time. Most guys don't even care whether I get off. For you it's like your mission. I love it."

"Wow, thanks, I think. Maybe I should date lesbians exclusively?"

She laughed, "Get over yourself. You're good, but you ain't that good. I love pussy. If I ever do settle down with somebody, it'll be a chick. Guys are just to much work."

"Oh get off the bloody grass. Jesus."

"But you like dick so much. I've never known a woman who loves having my dick in her mouth as much as you do."

"It's a novelty all right. A change is as good as a holiday. Lucky for you, yah keep it nice and clean."

The sex that night was off the wall. Leeza, more insatiable than ever. She leapt on me and fucked me to within an inch of my life.

The next day at lunch time, Ava called. "Are you going to be home tonight?"

"Yeah, I'll be there."

"What about whilst Rhian, is here, will you at least pretend we are trying to work things out?"

"I'll be there over the weekend."

"Thank you." She said with a grateful sigh.

*****

"So that's it... After twenty three years, you're just ending it?"

"What were you expecting, Ava? You ripped my fucking heart out."

"I was hoping we could open some proper dialogue. Talk openly and honestly. If you would stop playing the blasted victim, sulking like some spoiled brat, we could talk rationally, find a way to move past this. I know you're angry, but if you let the anger go long enough to engage your brain, you would see things far more clearly."

"There's nothing to talk about, Ava. Lets just get the divorce started, our assets split. All I want is the house and my practice. I'm prepared to buy out your share of the house. At least that way we could move on.

"That's ridiculous. My business is worth five times what yours is worth."

I shrugged. "Don't care. I want nothing from you. All I want is the house."

She looked aghast. "You're actually serious?"

"Yeah, absolutely."

"Blast it, Ian, this is insane. I don't want a divorce. I do love you and I know you love me."

"You're right. I do, I always have, I probably always will. What I've lost is the respect and trust. I supported you. I went to my parents to ask if they would invest in your company to get it started. I didn't like the idea of borrowing the money, but I had faith and believed in you. I supported you every step of the way. I got home early so I could pick up the kids. I carried most of the house work. I never once complained when you worked another eighteen hour day."

"Ian, that's what I mean. We had such a perfect marriage and I appreciated everything you did. I tried to make it up to you. I made sure I spent as much time as I could with you and the children."

"All of that's true. We did have a wonderful marriage. My mates were jealous. That's what hurts. Why did you do it, Ava? Why?" I had to wipe away tears. I didn't want her to see me cry, but I couldn't hold them back. "Why, Ava? Answer me that."

"My love, I was lost. When I went into premature menopause, I was only thirty five, for heaven's sake. I felt like my life was over, that I was no longer a woman. I became depressed, very depressed, actually."

"Oh don't worry. I remember it well," I said sneeringly. How well I remembered those dark days.

She smiled, and the room lit up. "Yes, you were wonderful. Amazing really. You put up with all my moodiness. All my tantrums. You were quite literally incredible. Without you and the children I don't think I would have survived. That destroyed my self-confidence."

"Yeah, I saw it."

"I channelled myself into work. Buried myself in it. Then I started on the hormone replacement and I felt like my life returned a little. Our sex life improved, there seemed to be light at the end of the tunnel. We had those wonderful holidays. Life was good."

I nodded in agreement as she took a large gulp of her wine. "The only thing missing was my self-esteem. I felt better physically, but there was still an empty void inside me. This will sound vain, but I have always considered myself attractive. Good heavens, the number of men I had to fight off when I was younger."

She finished her wine holding out the glass. "It's different for us as women. You blasted men get better looking with age. God, you've never looked better than you do right now."

Again she took a large gulp of her wine, obviously building courage. "As I say, it's different for women. Men stop noticing us. They look at the young gorgeous women and we get overlooked, put on the shelf and ignored. No more wolf whistles, no more offers or cheap pick up lines. With my already low self-esteem, that ate away at my core."

"I never knew," I spluttered in shock.

"I was embarrassed, Ian. I felt worthless. You were wonderful, but you're my husband. What I missed was receiving compliments from other men. I yearned to be noticed, admired again."

"Why didn't you talk to me."

"Good god, what was I going to say? I miss men ogling me? I wanted to feel desired, admired. I didn't want you to change the way you saw me. I was always able to find ways to fix things. It's why our company became so successful."

"But I'm your husband."

"Exactly why I couldn't talk to you. Then two years ago, I met Reed at a conference in Wellington. He was young, charming handsome. For some reason he was attracted to me, swathed me in compliments, flattered endlessly. That gave my flagging ego the boost I needed. We went out to dinner a few times when we returned to Auckland, and over many months, I think we both knew there was a connection."

She must have seen my darkening scowl, because she jumped in before I could say anything.

"Ian, I let my ego get in the way. I made a silly decision, squashed my concerns, and believe me there were many. I admit, it was pride and ego. Men always flirted and hit on me. I, like most woman acknowledge we have that power. When we lose it and the compliments dry up. Even when we're wearing our sexiest outfits, and we don't get so much as a cursory glance. It hurts..."

"It ate away at me, like acid. I made a mistake, a silly error of judgement. Surely after all the years, we can at least try to get past it. We owe it to ourselves to try and salvage something."

Seeing me biting my lower lip pensively, she kept going. Trying vainly to drive home her point.

"He wanted sex, but I pushed him away. I didn't want to become another cliched wife cheating on her husband. He broke me down, though, my resistance weakened. He introduced me to Jodi and when I saw how happy they were in their open marriage, it got me thinking. We could do it, you and I. We were strong enough. We loved each other completely."

After another glass of wine, she added, "It took eighteen months but I folded. We were in Wellington for different reasons, we went to dinner and ended up in bed."

"That was it?" I asked.

"Yes, in the morning though, I hated myself. I was disgusted and promised myself it would never happen again, but he was in my head. Truth be known, I enjoyed it. The sex was good, my self-esteem soared, apart from the guilt."

"You found it so easy to lie to me?" I muttered angrily.

"I never lied to you. Not once. I may have left things out, but I never lied. If you had asked me was I having an affair, I would have told you. I have never been able to lie to you."

After a brief pause where I think she expected me to interrupt, she continued. "There were plenty of times I told Reed, it was over. Then we met up again and it was all on again."

"So the sex with him was that good?" I growled, my own self-esteem dropping like a stone.

"Ian, listen to me, and please believe me. The sex with Reed was good, but it's nothing compared to what you and I share. He is just different."

"Jesus Christ Ava... You keep saying that, he's different. What the hell does that mean? God, just say it. Be honest with me. Why would you go looking for sex if you were satisfied with our love life?" I snapped viciously.

Her silence drove me on. "Don't you understand? I feel completely and utterly emasculated and humiliated. My wife was so dissatisfied with our sex life she had to go to another man to find herself. Was I that bloody useless?"

She finished her wine in one huge gulp, closed her eyes for what seemed like a very long time. When she opened them, she said. "Sweetheart, I didn't go looking for this. Reed approached me. It was a total surprise. I never have been, unsatisfied with our love life. We have always had a fabulous sex life."

"Then why jump into bed with him? I'm sorry, Ava, but that doesn't ring true does it? If you're satisfied you don't jump into bed with somebody else, there's no reason. The only sensible explanation is you weren't happy, and apparently, I wasn't meeting your needs."

"Ian, oh my giddy aunt. I have always been completely satisfied. It just happened. You have obviously had similar thoughts. Good lord, it took you less than a week to find a sexual partner. Reed, found a key which unlocked a sexual side of me I never knew existed."

"Lucky bloody you. Finding such a wonderful lover."

I saw her incredulity, and irritation. "Do you want me to be honest? If you say yes, then you have to sit there, shut up and listen."

"Yeah, go on." I muttered.

"Reed is different... Very different. He is kinky. He isn't better than you, he is not bigger, stronger or last longer. His point of difference is mental. He is a dominant. has ways of getting me to do things, things I never ever thought I would. Things that if you had asked me to do. I would have laughed in your face, felt disgusted and insulted."

"Like what?" I asked, flabbergasted.

"Ian, you said you would listen."

"Yeah, sorry."

"He is a sadist, you might call him a deviant. He introduced me to being spanked, restrained, whipped, blindfolded and denied orgasms. He exposed me to pain, and I liked it"

She nodded slowly, her eyes fixed on me, defying me, challenging me.

I shook my head in disbelief; the whole thing sounded demeaning. "You like pain... Let him do that shit to you?"

"Ian, I didn't know myself. All this sexual curiosity was buried beneath who I thought I was. I found out I liked pain." She said without any hint of shame or regret. No guilt, nothing. She spoke as if addressing colleagues at work. That changed when she said. "I found out, I am submissive."

The last bit stunned me, I had never seen her submit to a single person or situation. "I see, and he enlightened you huh?" I mumbled, completely lost.

She nodded. "I never knew, do you understand how frightening that was for me?"

"You... Submissive. Jesus woman, weren't you humiliated, ashamed?"

"Yes." She said through little tears. "Of course I was. Completely humiliated. But that is part of the experience, and I liked it. He introduced me to so many new thing, like edging, do you know what that is?"

Again I shook my head. My mind still trying to absorb her earlier confessions.

"It's being tied up. Restrained so tightly, you cannot move, then masturbated until I was about to cum, and then stopped. That is repeated over and over, tortured with spoiled orgasms until I begged him to let me cum."

Shocked, disgusted, I didn't know what to say. "Sounds bloody terrible, you don't think begging is debasing?" I murmured.

"Yes of course it is, however. I said earlier, That is part of the pleasure. Opening up, completely letting go of your ego to such an extent. I had to beg... me, can you picture that Ian? Me pleading, begging like a child for release. I mean it's torture, but when you cum... It's excruciatingly, extraordinarily explosive. The final orgasm is unbelievable."

"I get it, you can stop there." I spat out. "I get it, he's some sort of sex god. So much better than poor old muggins."

"God damn it, Ian. Were you not listening. Sometimes you are insufferable. It's different with Reed. Not better. He uncovered those elements buried within me. I never even knew they existed. Like you, I was totally unaware."

This was getting hard to listen to. "Okay, I don't understand it, but thanks for being honest."

"Ian, we can get past this," she asked pleadingly.

"Ava, if it was purely sexual, maybe, and I say maybe I could have accepted it. However, it wasn't just sex was it?"

Confusion, I saw it clouding her. "I don't understand?"

"You slept with him, every night. Cuddled together, and I assume you talked and laughed. Kissed, shared intimate details.

I knew about your bloody affair before I got there. My friend Callum sent me photos of you and him together. I watched you at the hotel reception. Carrying on like lovers, kissing and cuddling in front of the assistant. Booking just the one room. I expect you booked in as husband and wife?"

She stared at me, her face a bright red blush. Then, I watched the colour fade to an ashen grey. "Ian..."

"No Ava, you listen for a change. That hurt, Ava. That fucking hurt. To see you behave like that. Christ you weren't even trying to be discreet; openly flaunting your love. You were so eager to get him into bed."

Finally, I saw the shame and guilt. Thank god. She bowed her head, unable to look me in the eye.

"Ian, I am sorry. You're right, it wasn't love though. You have to believe me."

"Really, you could have fooled me."

"No, my love, there was affection. Heavens, you cannot share something like that without an emotional connection. But trust me, it wasn't love."

"I saw you at reception."

"We should have been far more discreet. In my defence, I had only that afternoon closed the biggest account in the history of our company. I was floating, elated. I couldn't wait to call and tell you."

"No, Ava. I think we're done."

*****

Rhian's, visit was terrible, she sensed that there was something wrong. She was no idiot that's for sure. Ava, tried to deflect the conversation about what we were up to. She kept dragging it back to Rhian, and her studies.

We got through Friday night, Ava waited until Rhian was in bed before she slunk into the spare room. Saturday Rhian, caught me alone, while Ava, went off grocery shopping.

"Okay Dad, what the fuck is going on around here. The tension is so thick it feels like somebody died."

"All right, you deserve the truth." I said sadly. "The truth is, your mother and I are separating."

"What!" She shrieked in horror. "I fucking knew something bad was going down. Is that why Mum was staying in the city?"

"Yeah, she wants to work it out, but I don't. I want a divorce."

"Fuck... Dad what the fuck. I mean holy shit."

"Language young lady. I know you're upset, but there's no need for that."

"Come on Dad, don't lecture me. You're divorcing my mother, and you want me to be calm? Not happening. Why the divorce?"

"We are in different spaces, doing and wanting different things. We've grown apart."

"Bull shit Dad, bull fucking shit. You two are closer than any other couple I've ever met, and that includes Nan and Gramps. You guys were like the poster couple for a successful marriage."

"That was the old us. Now your mother is focused on work and we're not seeing eye to eye. Things have changed Rhian. It happens."

"Like fuck it does. You say Mum, doesn't want the divorce, is that right?"

"Yeah, she thinks we can ride it out."

"But you're pushing for it?"

"In a nutshell, yeah."

"Are you having an affair, is that what this is about?"

"No it isn't. I've told you, we're just in different spaces."

Ava, walked in both arms full of grocery bags. "Somebody could have come and helped." She complained. "I did toot the horn."

She looked at Rhian, then at me. "Ian... What's going on?"

"I just told Rhian about our separation."

"No." She gasped. "Why did you do that?"

"Because, we can't hide from it."

"You bastard." She barked angrily slamming the bags down on the counter, before running up the hall bawling her eyes out.

Rhian, glared at me. "Fuck Dad. When did you become so bloody cruel." She ran after her mother, leaving me staring after them.

I decided on a run, get out of the house, fresh air. I was over the continuing overwhelming drama. The stress and tension were oppressive.

It was obvious I had been cast as the bad guy. I returned from my run too find the pair of them in the kitchen preparing dinner. They stood close together, I noticed the occasional hand holding, nervous muted conversation.

During dinner, Rhian, asked. "So what's happening, what is the next move?"

Swallowing hard, I replied. "The next bit might be messy. It will play out in court probably. It seems we both want the house, so our solicitors are going to make a killing."

"Dad, why are you being such a prick. Mum said she wants to at least try counselling. Why not give it a go?"

"Because I don't think it will work. I don't want to go down that route. Pouring out our dirty laundry in front of somebody isn't my idea of fixing anything."

"But they're experts, trained to listen, to help, make suggestions. Surely it's worth a go Dad. Fuck me, why are you being such a hard arse?"

"Rhian..." Ava said soothingly. "Let it go. He doesn't care. If he doesn't want to try, neither do I."

"No, it's not fair Mum. You're trying so hard, and he's just being a stubborn pig headed prick." She jumped up and ran out of the house sobbing hysterically, with Ava, hot on her tail.

I stayed out of the way for the rest of her visit. Although I should have expected the call from our son Dylan. "Dad, what the hell is going on? I just got off the phone with Rhian, bawling hysterically. She said something about you and Mum getting divorced."

"Yeah, that sums it up."

"No way, not you two. I don't believe it."

"Sorry Son, but that's the truth of it."