Alvarez

As we walk to formation, I find myself feeling less self conscious with Bennett by my side. Usually I walk alone to PT and follow behind the others. But this time Bennett and I are side by side, like we were that day when running. The day we first spoke to one another.

Some other females greet Bennett and she greets them, too. And they join us.

"This is Wilkins, ya'll," Bennett tells them. I know who most of the girls are, because we are in the same unit. But we've never talked before, so an introduction feels proper.

"Hey," Most of the girls say.

And just like that...I feel like I'm accepted. Whatever wall that had been there before is down now because if Bennett likes me, then I must be cool.

All of the girls are having their own little conversations as we walk. One of the girls, a short girl who I know is called Martinez, walks on the other side of me.

I decide to speak to her specifically since we work in the same building.

"Did you do all your orders yesterday?" I ask.

She looks up at me in surprise. It must be strange to her that I am talking to her since I never have before although we sit in the same office.

"No, I didn't actually," She says, "Did you finish yours?"

I nod my head.

"I can help you today if you want me to," I tell her shyly.

She smiles brightly, her cheeks showing dimples.

"I'd appreciate that, thanks," She says.

Then we both look away in embarrassment.

We walk in silence next to one another. Bennett is talking to some other girls who are near her. But I don't feel left out at all.

Martinez suddenly speaks up.

"You know, we're both kind of quiet," She says to me.

I look down in embarrassment.

"Yeah," I admit.

"But I think it's because we're both shy," She says, "I didn't know you were shy, too though until now"

I laugh.

"Sorry if I didn't seem friendly," I tell her and my mind immediately remembers how Bennett says I can come off scary looking.

"It's ok, I know you are friendly now," Martinez tells me with a smile.

We both look away in embarrassment again.

The silence is back. I rack my brain because I want to talk to more people from now on. But small talk is really hard for me.

Should I talk about the weather? Is that too boring?

Or maybe I should ask her what her favorite color is? But is that too random?

Maybe I should try to stay on topic.

"I was shy all in High School and my mom told me not to join the Army after I graduated," I broach lightly because I've never told anyone this before, "She said I wouldn't fit in"

Martinez looks up at me in surprise.

Suddenly I feel like maybe I made a mistake. I don't know Martinez that well to be opening up to her like this. What if she's not nice like Bennett?

"My dad and my mom told me that, too!" She says as if we just found out we are long lost twins.

We both laugh at our shared memory.

"But I wanted to join either way since my dad was Army," Martinez offers.

And I realize she's opening up to me as well, "He did his twenty years. And all of my older siblings joined when they graduated High School. Mostly Army, but one of my sister's is in the Navy"

"Wow," I say, "That is so cool. It's like a lineage"

She looks surprised when I say that but then her face gets excited.

"Exactly!" She says like I truly get her.

We get to formation and we all have to break off to go to our different squads. Since Martinez and I are in the same MOS, we are in the same direction.

But Bennett is a different MOS than me. So, she has to go to her part of the formation. She touches my shoulder before we do.

"Remember," She tells me, "He's a little bitch"

One of the other girls and Martinez overhears her.

"Who is?" The other girl, Raymond as I know her, asks intriguingly and jumps right into our conversation.

I make a mental note that Raymond is really secure with herself because she seems not to care if Bennett tells her to mind her own business or something.

"You'll see," Bennett says to Raymond with a laugh like she knows this about Raymond too.

Raymond lifts her eyebrow.

"Oooooo, girl," She says and she gives me and Bennett a look.

The two walk off and laugh maniacally together.

As Martinez and I walk to our squad line she whispers, "What was that all about?" to me.

I look down at her.

"Um, It's kind of hard to explain," I admit.

She giggles.

Usually we have to be at formation fifteen minutes before the 1SG. But our squad leaders make sure we are there 30 minutes before. So, there is still a good period of waiting before PT actually starts.

Which is usually a time spent talking. Normally, I don't have anyone to talk to so I just daydream a lot.

I try not to listen to other people's conversations, because I feel like that is rude. But because I have a very active imagination, it is pretty easy for me to zone out.

Alvarez used to be in my squad and he is the only one who would talk to me sometimes when he wasn't talking to other people.

Then he got moved to another building in a different section when they needed one good soldier from our MOS to learn how to do some more advanced things that required a lot more responsibility.

My Corpal who's section Alvarez, Martinez, and I work in was left to decide which one of us would go.

I didn't want to leave, because I didn't want to have more pressure put on me or being around more people.

Even though I am good at my job, I don't like feeling like I am in charge. And the way our Corpal broke it down to us, it sounded like that was how it was going to be.

I was also afraid to have to integrate and meet other people in my unit to work with. Martinez didn't raise her hand, either when Corpal Lawrence asked which out of us three wanted to go.

So, Alvarez ended up being the one chosen. Now he's in a different Squad under a different Squad Leader.

But now that Martinez and I have broken the ice, I find myself being engrossed in her conversations.

Martinez and I are the only two females in our MOS. The rest are males. And she is friends with two of them. Lopez and Goodwin.

They start talking to her about a lot of different things. And I listen intently as their conversation shifts. I normally always overhear them, but today I can actually watch them since it wouldn't be considered rude now that I know Martinez a little more.

Right off the bat I can tell that Lopez and Goodwin like to joke around. They are always together, but they are also always teasing one another. And as I've seen from overhearing them before, they like to tease Martinez too.

They call her tiny because of her short stature.

When Lopez calls her this, Martinez looks visibly annoyed and punches him in the arm.

But when Goodwin does, she doesn't seem as annoyed for some reason and it makes me think that she might...

"What are you always over there thinking about Killer?"

I am snapped out of my reflection when one of the guys gets my attention. I realize it is Goodwin.

"Her name isn't Killer," Martinez corrects him like Bennett had done for me the other day with the guy at the smoke pit, "It's Wilkins"

"Oh, my bad," Goodwin says. And I see that he actually looks apologetic. I make a mental note in my head. I didn't know he was kind hearted.

"She has a name?" Lopez, the other guy, interjects as if he's shocked that my mother gave me one the day I was born.

Martinez punches him in the arm again.

"What do you mean idiot? She wears it on her chest all the time," She says.

And she is right. We all do.

Lopez rubs his arm then comes up to me and stares at my chest.

"I don't see any name," He says, "Oh wait, but I do see something else..."

And then he reaches out as if he's about to touch my breasts. I'm taken aback and step away from him.

Lopez cracks up laughing.

"Man, cut it out," Goodwin says, "I'm going to report you to SHARP"

Martinez, to my surprise, makes a move in my defense as if she is about to kick Lopez in the crotch.

"You pervert!" She shouts.

But Lopez ducks away before she can do it.

"I'm just playing!" He says while laughing.

Martinez turns to me.

"Don't let him get to you," She says, "He's just a flirt"

"Only for you, baby," Lopez says.

It shocks me when I realize he is actually talking to me and not Martinez. When I look at him he wiggles his eyebrows.

Then to my surprise, he continues.

"Cubans can't put it down like us Mexicans do," He says, "In case you want some extra fun"

At first I am confused. But then I put two and two together that Lopez is talking about Alvarez. He's the only Cuban in our unit.

Goodwin and Martinez look at me to see how I am going to react to Lopez saying what I now know they all think about me out loud.

That I'm a fast girl.

That I, according to Alvarez, have a boyfriend back home but also slept with multiple other girls' boyfriends in Basic and AIT, and that he is also having sex with me too.

I don't want to cry in front of them like I did with Bennett. Actually, I don't want to act like I am weak anymore. That is why all of this started in the first place. Because Alvarez saw that I was too weak to defend myself or stand up for myself.

"I don't want you," The words come out before I can even think of what to say, "And I don't want Alvarez either".

The voice I use isn't my own. It sounds different. Like a mix between my mom's when she's talking to me when I get in trouble and a mix of Bennett's.

Goodwin bursts out laughing.

"Damn!" He says to Lopez, "You're ass just got rejected!"

Martinez giggles.

I instantly feel bad. I didn't want to be mean. But when I look at Lopez, he is actually still smiling.

He says something in Spanish.

But I can't understand him.

"Man, she isn't Afro-Latina! She looks like she came straight from Africa, I know you see she black as hell! ," Goodwin slaps Lopez but then his eyes look apologetic and unspokenly I know he's trying to tell me that he didn't mean it in that way.

His eyes tell me that he just meant to say that I am black like him.

We don't even have to speak out loud to one another. And I also don't need to nod to tell him that I didn't take offense for him to understand that I knew what he meant.

"I said I like a challenge," Lopez translates as if he's just discovered that I am a new game and he's excited to take me out of the package and see if he can win.

Martinez punches him in the arm.

"Girls are not puzzle pieces!!" She tells him.

"Hey!" Our squad leader, SSG McDonald, shouts at all four of us, "Stop goofing around"

Lopez gets back in line, but he leans forward and says low enough for all three of us to hear, "But just so you know, I really like chocolate," and he winks at me.

I feel mortified.

Martinez makes a hurling sound.

"Man, don't compare black women to food!" Goodwin says, "they don't like that shit!"

"You told me that they do!"

"When did I tell you that?"

"When that black girl we saw at the club that night came up to me and I got her number!"

"Oh, you actually listened to me? Why would you listen to me, man?"

"Because you're black, fool!"

And on they go with their banter again. Until the topic changes four times in a row and the whole thing with Alvarez is forgotten.

Martinez and I for the most part stay silent, but not in a bad way. But in a comfortable way. We just watch these two rag on one another and laugh at some of their jokes.

XXXXXXXXXXX

I'm in the back of the running formation again. But this time I have three people with me. Raymond, Martinez, and of course Bennett. We make our own smaller formation and follow behind the bigger group.

No one else yells at us either like they do when I am at the back by myself. It dawns on me that the saying there is strength in numbers might have some truth.

When PT is over, we all stretch before being released to go wash up for chow and work. Lopez and Goodwin find their way back over to where Martinez and I are at.

"You need some help with that?" Lopez asks me as he sits down beside me. He gives me a wink again.

I can't help but laugh awkwardly this time.

"No, thank you," I say.

He raises his eyebrows like I'm an alien or something.

My heart beat quickens.

What if he tries to make fun of me?

And not in the way he does with Goodwin or even how he picks on Martinez. What if he turns cruel?

"Your voice is different now! You're all nice and polite," He says as if I'm talking in a British accent, "But you sounded like a real black girl when you were telling me to fuck off back there"

"Excuse you?" Raymond overhears our conversation and since she's black too it feels like she has a right to jump in, "What does a real black girl sound like?"

But the way she asks him to elaborate, I know that whatever Lopez says will end up being the wrong answer regardless.

Bennett looks at him expectantly, too.

Now everyone's attention is on Lopez.

"You know what I mean," He says, unphased, "You guys got attitudes"

Then Raymond and Bennett proceed to cuss him out.

But I'm just shocked that he heard the difference, too. It wasn't just me. Someone else's voice was there. That voice was not my usual self.

"See!" Lopez says with a shake of his head, "Attitudes!"

Then he startles me by putting his arm around me.

"But that's alright because I'm just going to stick with Wilkins. At least I know she'll only get an attitude with me if I fuck up," He continues.

"Yep!" Martinez warns, "I can tell already that Wilkins' is like me. We're nice, but don't push us because when you do, there's no going back"

"Yeah, you have to watch your back, man. Those quiet ones are the scariest," Goodwin chimes in.

But I think I'm the only one who catches the secret look he throws at Martinez when he thinks no one else is paying attention. It is the first time I see Martinez's cheeks turn red.

I watch as she looks away from Goodwin.

My hunch earlier might be right and there is something going on between those two. I will have to ask Martinez when we get to know each other better. Until then, I won't say anything.

The conversations switch. Lopez still keeps his arm around me as everyone talks. I can't even listen to the conversations that are going on, because I feel his fingers pressing dangerously close to the underside of my chest which is making me uncomfortable. But I don't know how to ask him to get off of me without making him or anyone else as weird as I feel right now.

I'm just about to brainstorm that exact moment when everyone gets quiet and the chatter stops.

And Lopez immediately takes his arm away like I used that other voice on him again.

Which I was thinking about doing, but I hadn't worked up the nerve yet to see if I could do the voice again. But maybe I did it without even thinking?

It just sort of came out of me the last time. So, maybe that harsh voice came out again.

Because I realize everyone seems to be staring in my direction. I feel ashamed immediately because this will be the second time I've talked to Lopez in such a manner.

But when I turn to look at Lopez to apologize, I see he's staring guiltily up at someone else.

That's when I feel a person looming over me. When I look up I see that Alvarez is behind me with a group of his friends and he's staring at Lopez. His eyes look like there are knives inside of them.

Then Alvarez looks at me and his eyes change so fast that I wonder if anyone else notices it or if I'm crazy or something.

"You ok, Serial Killer?" He asks me.

I almost open my mouth. Almost. But as I look into his dark brown eyes...I see nothing but evil. My grandma's voice plays in my head.

Devil in a Sunday suit she would say.

And Bennett's words remind me: Don't talk to him.

I stand up, burhs my PT shorts off, and walk right past Alvarez without a word.

Like he isn't even there.

I don't turn around to see what his face looks like.

This is the first time I've ignored someone in my life. I always felt like I was invisible, so I never want to treat others that way too. But people like Alvarez are bullies. And sometimes it is best to treat bullies like they don't exist.

I hear Lopez's loud voice saying, "Oh shit. Looks like the Cuban fucked up."

Bennett joins my side as well as Raymond and Martinez.

"Ooooo," Raymond says, "So that's the little bitch huh?"

Martinez giggles.

"That was cold, you should have seen his face! He looked so shocked when you didn't say anything to him!" She whispers.

My heart is beating so fast. Whatever strength I just felt is quickly dissipating as we continue to walk.

"Really?" I ask shakily.

Did I just do that?

"Yep," Martinez confirms softly, "He looked like he was confused, too"

"Girl, what I want to know is what did he do?" Raymond interjects, "I thought that was your man...well, your side piece at least"

At this point, Bennett can't take it.

"Look, y'all need to know the real tea, but I can't tell ya'll out here," She says.

She looks around and sure enough other people from our unit seem to be eavesdropping on our conversation. They saw what just happened, too.

"Ooooo, girl! Yes! Yes! Yes! You know I'm nosey," Raymond whispers, "Let's go to my room"

So we all follow Raymond to her barrack. Once we get in and the door shuts, Raymond plops down on her bed with her tennis shoes still on and sits like a princess with her head propped up on her hand.

"Make yourselves at home," She tells us. But mainly she is looking at me and Martinez, because I don't think either of us have ever been in her room before. Especially not me.

I can't help but notice how nicely decorated her room is and all the pictures she has on her walls of family, friends, herself, and a big Haiti flag.

One of the pictures she has though, shocks me because of how different she looks from when she is in uniform and at PT. I've never seen her outside of Army gear before.

"Wow," I say first of all, "Your room is so nice"

Raymond smiles.

"Thanks, girl," She tells me.

"And this picture of you is so pretty," I commented and touched it.

She gets up from her bed and comes over to see what I am talking about.

"Oh that? Girl, I look bummy as hell in that picture," She says to my surprise, "I didn't even do a full face. I just took this selfie because the lighting was good. My wing is smudged and everything"

I have no idea what she is talking about.

"Full face?" I ask.

Raymond bursts out laughing.

"She means makeup," Bennett tells me not condescendingly but like she is educating me.

I feel like I've been enlightened.

Martinez giggles.

"You're more innocent than me," She says.

"Girl, you don't wear makeup?" Raymond asks as if I'm an alien.

I try to think if I did before, but my mother always told me only fast girls wore makeup and that I was too young. Even when I turned eighteen.

"No," I admit in embarrassment.

"Ooooo! I'm going to have fun with you!" She says and then she reaches out and touches my hair.

I've always noticed that Raymond and I are the only two in our unit who have a similar texture. So, it doesn't bother me when she does it.

"Have you ever got a perm?" She asks.

I shake my head no.

"Straightened it?"

I shake my head no again. My mom told me getting my hair straightened was for fast girls, too.

"She's a total virgin," Bennett comments.

I look at her in mortification and she puts her hand up as if to stop me from saying anything.

"No, Wilkins. They need to know. I said we weren't going to tell the boys. Because they don't believe shit unless they see it with their own two eyes. But girls can usually handle the truth," She says.

"What do you mean?" Raymond asks, intrigued.

I can see Martinez is, too.

"Wilkins is a virgin. A complete virgin. All that shit about her having a boyfriend, fucking in Basic training, AIT, and being Alvarez's girl is a lie," Bennett says bluntly.