Alvarez

Raymond seems to not need any further explanation because she automatically gets it and gasps.

"That piece of shit," She says, "Girl, I can't stand a man that lies on his dick. That's some insecure ish right there"

Martinez looks confused.

"Why would he do that?" She asks, "Why would he make up rumors about Wilkins?"

She sounds a lot like how I did when Bennett first told me.

Bennett doesn't get a chance to answer.

"Because he's a bitchass," Raymond answers for her, "Who else gossips like a little girl like that? Damn, I can't stand a man who spreads rumors worse than a chick."

"No, that's not it," Bennett says.

Raymond and Martinez look at her.

"Then what is it?" Raymond asks.

"He wants Wilkins to himself and he feels threatened that other dudes are going to try to go for her, so he made all this shit up to throw them off the scent and make her off limits. He doesn't want any other guy to try to date her. Did you see the way he was looking at Lopez? Like he owns Wilkins or something and Lopez shouldn't even talk to her let alone sit beside her," Bennett says.

So, she noticed the way Alvarez glared at Lopez too. But my mind can't even process that Alvarez would want to make sure that no other guys even try to have a conversation with me. I know Alvarez is evil. But secretly wanting to date me, twisted kind of evil? I never imagined all of that.

"Insecure bitchass," Raymond corrects herself from earlier in awe.

"Maybe he's gay and he just doesn't want anyone to find out, so he's lying and saying he's sleeping with Wilkins to hide it?" Martinez takes another stab. And honestly, her reasoning sounds more plausible to me than Alvarez being secretly infatuated with me.

"That nigga ain't gay," Raymond dismisses, "You know Escalante with the glasses who works in the mailroom? Well, she told me he messes with her, some other girl named Reyes, and another Puerto Rican chick at the clinic for 523rd"

"Yeah, he's not gay. Just a plain old asshole," Bennett agrees.

"So, what are we going to do?" Martinez whispers, "We can't just let him keep going around spreading lies about Wilkins"

My heart soars. I can't believe Martinez actually seems to care about my problems. Like she wants to help, too.

Bennett smiles. Oh no. It is that mad scientist look again.

"Girl, you look scary," Raymond comments and I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks that she does when her face gets like this.

"That's because I'm going to toy with this shitbag," Bennett says.

Then she looks at us all like she's about to break down her plot for world domination again. I thought we already made a plan, but she looks like she just thought of an even better one now.

"What does he want?," Bennett continues.

Raymond rolls her eyes, "Obviously Wilkins pussy"

I feel mortified when she says that.

"Exactly! And what should we make sure he can't have?" Bennett points to Raymond like she's the brightest student in the class.

Raymond's own grin spreads over her face and it starts to match Bennett's scary look.

"Wilkins' pussy," She says and she looks like she's becoming a mad scientist too.

"Exactly!" Bennett says and the two seem to glance at each other as if they both understand one another's madness.

Martinez speaks up.

"Don't you guys think we should just report him to SHARP? I mean, that falls under the category in some kind of way, right? Or we can tell LT. She'd understand," She tries to reason.

Bennett shakes her head,"No, he wants to play games. So, let's play games".

"I don't like this," Martinez worries. And I agree with her.

"Y'all, don't sweat. If things get too out of hand, then we'll go to LT. But for now we'll just deal with this ourselves in our own way," Bennett assures us. But it sounds like the kind of thing someone tells you to get you to agree to something you know you shouldn't.

"Ok," Martinez concedes. And there is nothing else I can say, either.

Then Raymond takes me by surprise when she unexpectedly hugs me,"Oooooo girl, drama! I'm going to like being friends with you! This is the kind of shit I live for!"

We all can't help but burst out laughing after that.

XxxxxX

At chow I actually have people to sit with.

Usually I don't, so I will just grab a to-go box and eat in my barrack room. But because I've become like a little project and friends with Bennett, Martinez, and Raymond, I am no longer alone.

I sit at a table with them, some other girls from our unit, and some of the guys.

And when I get up to get a refill on my orange juice, Lopez follows me.

"Here you go, baby," He says as he hands me a fresh cup.

I think he is harmless. Just a flirt like Martinez said. But the way his arm was around me at PT today makes me feel like I need to set some boundaries.

"Thank you," I say as I take it.

I push the button to fill it with juice.

"So," Lopez broaches, "When are we going out to eat?"

I look at him in confusion.

"You know," He continues, "When are you going to let me take you on a date?"

My heart starts beating fast.

Well, I thought Lopez was just a flirt.

I've never been asked out before, but now it is suddenly happening and I don't know what to do.

My brain bounces back and forth in my head like a ball as I try to come up with what to say. My mother never prepared me for this. So, I have no clue what to answer him.

Do I go out with a boy just because one finally asks me?

Lopez sees my expression.

"Calm down, I'm just joking," He says.

A wash of relief fills me.

"Oh," I say in embarrassment.

"I don't want to get you in trouble with your main man and all," He says, "I was just figuring with how you ignored the Cuban today that maybe you were looking for side dude replacement"

I am about to open my mouth to say something when I notice Lopez's eyes aren't on me anymore, but something behind me.

"Speak of the devil!" He says with a grin.

I look over my shoulder and there is Alvarez again. Like a shadow.

"Don't worry, man," Lopez says, "I was just getting some juice. I wasn't trying to talk to your girl or anything"

"I'm not his girl," I interject and that voice that came up at PT is back. The one that sounds like my mom a little.

Lopez raises his eyebrows as if this is some kind of confirmation he needed, "Oh, really?"

He looks at Alvarez again and it's like he has new found confidence, "Well in that case, I take back what I said, I was trying to talk to her. Actually, we were just trying to decide where we were going to go tonight"

"Can I talk to you?" I hear Alvarez say to me as he just ignores Lopez.

But he doesn't know that I am ignoring him instead. So, I don't say anything. Instead my juice is done filling up and I am ready to head back to the table and get away from both him and Lopez.

But then Alvarez has the nerve to touch my arm. I jerk away from him.

Who does he think he is? I never wanted him to talk to me let alone to touch me. Yet according to him we've done everything under the sun.

"I don't think she likes you anymore, man," Lopez assesses and he sounds like he's taunting Alvarez, "I think you should just give up"

"Come on, Serial Killer," Alvarez ignores Lopez once again and then drops his voice to where I think he thinks only I can hear, "Wilkins, I just want to talk"

I ignore him and walk the other way with my cup.

But something in me makes me stop. I turn around, look him in the eye, and although I know Bennett told me not to talk to him...I think she would be ok if I say this.

"My name is not Serial Killer. So, stop calling me that. Don't talk to me at all, actually"

And then I walk away.

I strut as if I really am Naomi Campbell on a runway in Paris somewhere. And I am so tall that even though I feel people's eyes watching me, I hold my head up high so I can't even see them.

I just had my Gabrielle Union moment too. I gave Alvarez my best reading someone to filth like she does in Deliver Us from Eva.

This is the closest I think I will ever get to being a main character, maybe. And I know one thing, I do feel like a bad bitch right now. Just like Bennett said I am.

XXXXXXXXXX

"We're going out tonight," Bennett says.

It has been almost six weeks since I started speaking. And things have changed for the better. For one, I have friends. And for two, no one calls me Serial Killer anymore.

Actually, word got around that I told Alvarez off for calling me that. So, now people either refer to me as Killer or by my last name, Wilkins.

But Martinez is the only one who calls me by my first name.

Ever since we started hanging out more, Martinez and I changed seats in our building so that our computers and desks are near each other in the office where we work.

Sometimes we finish doing our orders early, so we'll pass the time talking in place of when we used to just stare at our phones or read a book in silence instead.

Lately we'll even talk while we do our work. Because that seems to make the time go by even quicker.

Martinez told me she is Mexican from Texas and that her family originated there when it was still a Spanish territory. She says she can't speak Spanish though. The last person who at least understood it was her grandmother on her father's side. Her parents and their parents were encouraged to assimilate and they thought it was best not to know the language.

"The only thing Mexican about me is my last name," She admitted to me.

I relate a lot to that even though I'm not Mexican American. Growing up I was always told that I wasn't "talking or acting" black enough by other black kids in my class. Because I was quiet and shy a lot of people felt I didn't embrace who I am.

One day, Martinez and I got around to calling each other by our real names. Which I haven't commonly used since I've joined the Military.

Martinez's first name is Emily and my first name is Majesty.

"I love your name!" She told me when I admitted it to her. I told her I usually don't like telling people because my name isn't that common.

"Well, I wish I had your name. Emily is way too common," She informed me.

And it really changed my perception.

I never thought about it that way before.

I feel a lot happier now that I actually have people to talk to. I am no longer calling my mom every night. Which she's noticed.

But the only thing that hasn't changed is the fact that I stay in my room a lot. It isn't that I don't want to hang out with the other girls. It is just that the things I want to do are boring to them.

"Wilkins, you're nineteen not eighty-nine," Bennett always reminds me.

But she doesn't understand that going out just isn't fun to me. I told her I would love to go to a bookstore or to the movies. But she told me that it is like watching paint dry and why would she pay for a movie when we already have streaming services.

So, I usually stay at the barracks alone reading a book in my room or watching Netflix by myself on weekends.

I always wake up though to hear what Bennett has to tell me all of what happened at the club that night or whatever person's house or barrack room they went to. The craziest thing that has happened so far is that Bennett actually did sleep with Anderson. The guy who cat called her at the smoke pit.

She said he had a three inch dick. And when I said that was good, she looked at me like I was crazy. And I learned that three inches isn't a good size dick at all. Or at least not according to Bennett.

We went to her room and she went under her bed and pulled out a black box. She opened it and revealed to me all the sex toys she has. And the things she uses for sex. She explained to me how handcuffs can be used, belts, and what lube does.

She even handed me something purple that was shaped like a penis.

My hand was sweating so bad I thought I was going to drop it.

"How do you masturbate?" Bennett asked me.

And I nearly died on the spot.

I vaguely remember being twelve years old and holding my blankets on my bed in such a way that if I rubbed up against them, it would start to feel really good. But my mom caught me doing it one time and told me that only fast girls masturbate. So, I haven't done it since.

"I don't mean this disrespectfully, but your mom didn't raise you right," Bennett told me when I gave her that story.

She then proceeded to show me porn. Now, even though we both said we weren't lesbians, sitting on Bennett's bed at night watching people really go at it on a TV screen kind of felt like we were doing something sexual together. At least to me. But I didn't want to say that I was uncomfortable.

"What do you think?" Bennett had asked me after the porno was over.

"Um," I didn't have the heart to tell her that it didn't really do it for me.

"Just google sex one day when you're feeling horny," Bennett told me, "Because the first time you do it, you're going to want to make sure you're really wet before the guy sticks it in. You can always borrow some of my lube, too if you want whenever you're ready to finally start having sex"

When I went back to my room, I felt the strong urge to watch the movie Love and Basketball for a certain scene. So, maybe watching porn actually did do something to me.

And that night when I went to sleep I felt an odd buzzing between my legs. It was frustrating. I only ever felt it before when I watched that scene in Love and Basketball or read about people making love in a book. But usually it went away after the scene was over or the story moved along.

However, that night the buzzing didn't stop.

So, I slowly bunched up my covers like I had all that time ago as a preteen when I felt that good feeling. But just as I was about to rub up against it, my mother's words came into my head.

Only fast girls masturbate.

So, I opened my legs and let the covers fall out from between my thighs.

I am not a fast girl, I thought. I am not a slut like Alvarez told everyone that I was.

Since that night, I've kept the conversation of losing my virginity off the list of topics I'll talk about with Bennett.

Tonight she is hell bent on taking me out with her.

"We'll go to the mall, get you a cute outfit," She continues as she sits on the edge of my bed, "One of us will teach you how to do your makeup, and we'll go out"

I groan.

She does this every weekend. But she usually gives up. But tonight she is really adamant.

"I don't want to go," I say.

"What do you want to do then?" She retorts.

"Stay here," I say sheepishly.

She rolls her eyes.

"Girl, you need to start living," She tells me, "You spend all your free time reading and watching TV but you don't even have a life of your own to enjoy"

When she puts it like that, I can't help but feel sad. How many times have I wanted to have friends or live the life of some character in one of the many stories I love.

"You've got to live life to learn life," Bennett adds.

I bite my lip.

"Only tonight," I give in.

Bennett smiles.

XxXXX

We meet up in the parking lot of the barracks at Raymond's car.

"Wilkins is here!" Raymond says when she sees me walk up, "Tonight's going to be really crazy now!"

"I had to drag her ass," Bennett informs her.

I look down in embarrassment. But thankfully, Martinez agreed to come out with us too. She isn't one for partying either, and she finally told me that she spends most of her spare time with Goodwin. She admitted to me that they are dating, but that she doesn't want everyone in the unit to know.

"I don't care what they assume," She had told me one day at work, "But I just don't like people in my business"

We all get in Raymond's car and Raymond speeds off.

She blasts some hip hop music as we ride off base and get on the highway towards the mall.

Bennett and Raymond talk about who they are trying to impress tonight and what kind of outfit they want to wear to do it. Meanwhile, Martinez and I sit in the back and just talk about other things.

When we arrive, Bennett and Raymond make us go into every shop and store. And although I thought I wouldn't really like being out, I realize that shopping with other girls is actually pretty fun.

"What do you think?" Raymond asks us as she holds up a bandeau top.

"That's cute!" Martinez assures her.

"I love it!" I respond. The color is a light pink and it beams against Raymond's browner skin tone.

"You don't think it's too loud?" She asks.

"No, it's not highlighter pink," Bennett confirms, "It's perfect".

"Ok, well I found what I'm wearing," Raymond says after getting the approval of all of us.

"Me too," Bennett says as she holds the bag with the beige body con dress she tried on a few moments earlier that made her look like she was a Fashion Nova model.

"I think I'm going to go with this," Martinez comments and flashes the bag that has the low cut, but conservative long sleeve red shirt she saw in a few stores back.

I panic. I realize I am the only one who doesn't have an outfit. It's not that I didn't see pretty things. It is just that everything seemed to be either way too tight, way too short, or way too revealing for me to feel comfortable wearing.

"Can I just go with this?" I probe, motioning to what I am already wearing.

Raymond and Bennett share a look.

"Wilkins, I'm not trying to be mean, but no," Bennett says.

"Yeah," Raymond cosigns, "Girl, we can't let you go out there looking like that"

I suddenly feel self conscious.

Martinez gives me a sad little smile.

"Sweatpants, tennis shoes, and t-shirts are cute for the barracks, but we're trying to step out," Bennett says, "So, you need something sexier than that"

"Yes, girl," Raymond agrees, "That's why we brought you here"

I feel nervous.

"I don't know how to walk in heels though," I say quietly, "Or in bodycon dresses"

Bennett and Raymond laugh.

"It's ok, Majesty," Martinez tells me gently, "I don't either. You don't have to get anything like that. I'm just going to wear this top and a pair of fitted jeans. And I'm not wearing heels either, but you do need like a cute platform or sandal or something"

So, we search for that. In another store I see a yellow dress that goes down to my ankles, has an open back, but looks breathable and flowy. When I touch it, the fabric feels good underneath my skin.

I hold it up to myself.

"What about this?" I ask the girls.

"I don't know..." Bennett trails off.

"I mean, the color is good, but it looks a little churchy," Raymond chimes in.

I don't tell her that my grandmother would have never let me wear this type of dress to church.

Martinez is the only one who likes it.

"I think we can dress it up!" She says, "Wait here a minute! I saw some really cute shoes over there"

Martinez comes back holding a pair of black platform heels.

She holds it up to the dress and looks at Bennett and Raymond.

"Ok, wait a minute," Raymond says like she's a fashion designer and Martinez is Anne Hathaway in Devil Wear Prada trying to get Bennett and Raymond's approval before she sends me out to the runway, "I can see it"

Bennett nods her head too as she touches the fabric, "Yeah, I can too y'all"

Then Bennett looks at me, "The only question is...do you have a pedicure?"

XXXXXXXXXXXX

We're sitting in a spa at the mall getting our nails done. Toes and fingers. I've only done this once before with my mom when she was going on one of the few rare dates she ever told me about. I was eight and I remember liking the little jacuzzi bubbles that would fizz up when they sat me in the pedicure chair.

Since we have to be in regulation, none of us can get any crazy colors or lengths for our fingernails. But that doesn't apply to our toenails. At first I think I will go with a simple, clear polish. But Bennett tells the nail technician to give me a yellow polish with some nail art added to the tips.