Asking Why

A story of asking why and not thinking you'd get a response.

Why were we all dumb, young adults thinking we all knew the right thing to do? There are just some battles you don't know of the ones behind closed doors. The ones you think about but would die a little on the inside if you found out they were in fact not stories made up in your head, but in fact the real story playing out behind closed doors. And once that story is told you begin to ask yourself why? So, do you dare to ask? As you just may learn a truth you cannot escape, the old reality is replaced with a new one. A moment in time ruins a lifetime. As you saw the white dress; something borrowed, something blue with two pennies in my shoe. But no that would no longer be the fantasy as that illusion has been shattered and ripped into a million little pieces, scattered across the floor. This is my story of how asking why ruined what I thought was the end all be all, but instead it was just the end. The end of the I Love You's every day, the kiss when you embraced, the long goodbyes, the hug that no one wants to end, all gone. All to be watched on someone else's body instead of yours.

I used to ask myself why all the time, not really thinking anyone was listening. Then I looked back at all the times I got my answer through other people. As I thought I was just venting to dead air, or was it? I'd ask the typical questions like does he really love me? Is he faithful while away on business? Does he say I love you for sex? You know, the standard questions when you feel insecure in your relationship of 1 and half years. You start to think, is he bored with me, is my body still the one that turns him on, or does he have others on the side to scratch that itch? Those thoughts can eat you alive, but so can the truth.

The day I got my truth, and I was not prepared for the answers I got. The day that will haunt me in weakened moments of what if and regret on what could have changed the ending.

It all started off as a typical day going to his parents' house to visit with them. Then his sister and mom blurt out something of innocence and your heart shatters at the truth that you just realized. The truth that the person standing in front of you would never understand, as everything you thought you knew and wanted changed in a moment. All the plans you made gone as you realized what went on behind closed doors. What went on in your absence, what decisions were made without you in mind or not really. Being the one who makes the debate not the answer or as one might say the solution. I was just cast to the side to be seen as needed, not as wanted. It's fine, really, I got used to it. In times I felt weak, I would be back on the left side of the couch and hear the words blurted out that changed it all and I'd be okay again, as I'd be reminded where I actually stand. Again, I am okay, just you know... what would a man be if he didn't break you through his family telling you of her, the others, and the ex. Man it sure was one hell of a lie.

So, the moral of the story is sometimes when you ask why you lose the man you love as you see he loves others with you on the side and you weren't to know, but now you do.

So as his innocent mother asks if you are staying for dinner you politely get up off the couch and you get your shoes on and with the best smile you can muster you say "sorry I have to go to work it was lovely seeing you all, I hope you all have a goodnight" and you get in your car and you leave before they see the tears fall down, as they will as soon as you leave the driveway.

Why, why was I not enough?

Who will be the one to tell me this time?

Will it be today, tomorrow or a decade away? Or will I never get the closure to why they were in our bed, sharing our sheets. Cleaning up with my soap, smelling of me, but looking like her.

As I lay here awake thinking to the past, I wonder what my life could have been like, if my life was with you instead. If I had worn the white dress and danced the night away. Would I have been enough? Or would they have eventually taken you away, tainting the vows you promised to me and sealed with a lover's kiss.

A life I will never know but my fantasies keep me awake as I wish for a happier memory than a one of loss and heartbreak. I learned a lesson that day: never trust a man who has his family do his dirty work.