All Comments on 'Assassins MC Pt. 02'

Not bad. I thought it moved too fast in this chapter, the kid going from knowing nothing to having his whole world changed.... and then just ordering folks around like it was all natural.

To my mind, a more realistic scenario would have been leaving things "as found" until he could wrap his brain around things, square away what was happening with his GF, figure more out about what he liked sexually, etc. Then maybe he could go about ordering around his 'mother' and doing more sexual things with her.

To just jump into it like that, well, it seemed more like he's a kid in a candy store rather than seriously thinking about the things he says he's thinking.

Well, that was boring and awkward. Also weird, but that was expected given this was the person who raised him and the Westermarck effect.

Anyhow, still holding out hope for his new arrangement with his girlfriend. Hopefully that'll be more entertaining.

All good advice. I agree, it does move a little too fast. I tried to strike a balance between making it realistic and moving the story along. I've completed the book, in essence, and it clocks in at over 150k words. I tried to throw in some awkwardness and Rich making some mistakes to show he doesn't know what he's doing. That comes later.

A kid in the candy store is a good analogy. I tried to capture that, using what he saw in porn online to affect his decisions on what he wants sexually.

Westermarck effect, I had never heard of it, but that does fit what I was going after. Thanks for that! I can include that in future stories. And I know some parts are boring. I'm trying to drive the story and not just make it one sex scene after the other. I know it's Literotica, so I understand the criticism. It does pick up steam later.

Please, keep the comments coming. This is my first complete story and I do want to improve. I appreciate all the critiques. This is the only feedback I get and I look forward to new comments, good and bad.

Really enjoyed the dialogue. Particularly with Beth explaining her past with the Assassins. Good use of white space too. One place to improve is to include some body language description or change up the sentence structure here or there. Add some extra spice (read: character acting/characterization) to the exposition. Overall, a great start.

He is a dick, and his relationship with her will end badly if he keeps this shit up.

If he forces her to run it will reflect on him as well. But he is too naive and stupid to realise it.

So far 3/5

Very stilted conversation

Part 1 of this story I found interesting and looked forward to the next part, but oh desr I could not finish it. Beth was like a mother to him and this is how he was treating her? Not even 24 hours after learning what was going on? Just seems so icky. Will not be reading any more of it.

Must agree with Amanda below. This story started with much promise, but was concerned that the author would turn this guy into an adolescent jerk. And he has. Very disappointing as his relations with his women could have been so interesting rather than asinine.