Audrey Ch. 04

Lying with Becky, Sarah felt overwhelmed by emotion. She drew the woman in for a two-armed embrace and Becky responded, sliding a leg over Sarah's body and resting her head on Sarah's chest, taking care not to squash her breast. Sarah felt the lightness of her touch and tears of shame ran down her face. After her first meeting with Becky, Sarah had described her to a friend as 'Nice enough, but kind of crass. And her husband's way smarter than she is, so god knows what they talk about.' Recalling her words now was almost physically painful to Sarah and she began to cry.

'Hey, hey...' said Becky gently.

Becky changed position, taking Sarah into her arms and shifting her around. Now it was Becky on her back, one foot on the floor, her knee in the air, holding Sarah on her chest as the other woman cried herself out.

*************************

'I love you, Becky.'

'I know.'

'I mean ... I really love you. I can imagine us being a couple.'

'I know. I feel the same way.'

Sarah lifted her head to look at Becky. Becky looked back, her gaze unwavering.

'What about Bryan?' said Sarah.

'Bryan already knows,' said Becky. 'I think he knew before I did.'

'And he's okay with it?'

'Bryan can process anything. He's like a Sherlock Holmes of the emotions.'

Sarah frowned, nonplussed. Becky smiled and put her hands on Sarah's buttocks, something Bryan did with her when he was about to raise an uncomfortable topic.

'Sarah, when you say "as a couple", are you asking me if I'd consider leaving Bryan for you?'

'I ... I don't have the right to ask that.'

'You have the right to ask anything. And I have the right to say yes or no. Correct?'

'Okay, yes. I didn't think of it that way.'

'Fine. So ask your question.'

Sarah's mouth went dry. She suddenly felt cornered, pushed. She was in this wonderful free space of love and emotions and now Becky was forcing her to get specific and concrete. Why did she have to do that?

'I'm not ready to talk about it,' said Sarah.

Becky smiled and nodded. Something about the smile irritated Sarah and she rolled off Becky and sat up on the carpet.

'You're making fun of me!' she said.

'No, I'm not,' said Becky. 'I just recognise my own behaviour. The number of times Bryan had to--'

'Can we not talk about Bryan?'

Becky froze. Then she sat up and turned Sarah around by main force, looking her in the face.

'Let me be clear,' said Becky. 'I'm not leaving Bryan, not for you nor for anyone else! And it's not because I made a vow or have a family or believe in all that marriage bullshit! It's because Bryan knows how to fuck me and I'm smart enough to know a good deal when I see one! You said it yourself, he's a man who knows how to love. How many of them have you met in your life?'

'All right! I get the picture!'

Sarah got up and went to the couch, sitting cross-legged and hugging a cushion. To Becky, she looked like a sulky girl.

'You know, a few weeks ago,' said Becky, 'you said you wanted to live with us and have his child.'

'Yeah, like that's ever going to happen.'

'Why not?'

'Because it's impossible!'

'Since when is falling pregnant impossible?'

Sarah stared at Becky.

'Are you suggesting--'

'I'm not suggesting anything,' said Becky, getting to her feet and stretching. 'I'm just pointing out a possibility.'

'What makes you think I'd do something like that?'

'Because under that poshness, you're a Cave Woman just like me.'

'You and your Cave Man! Becky, when are you going to stop with that bullshit?'

Becky turned and almost flew over, eyes blazing. Sarah tried to back off, eyes wide and panicked, as Becky put a knee on the couch and trapped Sarah with an arm to either side. Her hands gripped the backrest and her glare bored into Sarah's brown eyes.

'Don't play the innocent with me!' said Becky. 'You showed up at my husband's office that day and told him something you knew damn well might drive a wedge between us!'

Sarah's face went pink. She looked down.

'Look ... I'm sorry.'

'Sorry you did it? Or sorry it didn't work?'

'Becky...'

'You were making a play for him, Sarah! You wanted to make sure Bryan knew you were interested, just in case I screwed up my marriage! Right?'

Sarah's face was now red. She couldn't look Becky in the eye.

'Look, I see what you're saying ... but I swear I didn't do it consciously!'

'That's what I mean about the Cave Woman!' said Becky. 'You, Sarah, are a nice person, but under all that is still the animalistic instinct, the need to find the best man possible and mate with him! And if some other woman is in the way, well, fuck her!'

Becky made Sarah look her in the eye.

'Sarah, I'm the same!' she said. 'I'm exactly the same. Which means, if I judge you, I judge myself.'

Sarah looked scared, amazed, confused. Becky settled herself on the couch and drew Sarah in for a hug. To begin with, Sarah was hesitant to hug back, but the longer Becky held her, the more Sarah surrendered. Eventually, Becky moved Sarah onto her lap, and the two women held each other, neither wanting to be the first to let go.

*************************

Sarah did not sleep well that night.

Bryan was fast asleep in the main bed and Becky wanted the three of them to sleep together as usual. But Sarah couldn't sleep and she ended up slipping out of bed and taking herself to the spare room. She lay in the single bed staring up at the ceiling in the dark, her mind in turmoil. Was she really in love with Becky? How was that possible? And why was she so scared of having Bryan's child when getting pregnant by him had been her number one fantasy?

'Do you really want to know?' said an inner voice.

Yes, I do.

'Shit just got real.'

Yes, thought Sarah. Yes, that's exactly right. And Sarah realised that there was safety in having a dream that could never come true. If your Big Dream is impossible, then letting it go is the only sane thing to do. You can accept whatever life brings your way and never have to worry that you made the wrong decision. Indeed, hankering after something that can never happen is the very definition of wasting one's life.

This evening had changed that. Sarah had, of course, already considered having her birth control removed by her doctor and she had rejected the idea on the grounds that Becky would be furious and accuse her of betrayal. Being a single mother to one child was already hard enough. But Becky herself had now opened up that possibility and she could hardly accuse Sarah of betrayal when she was the one who suggested it.

'Did she, though?' said the inner voice. 'Did she not make a point of saying that she was not suggesting it?'

Oh, yes. That's true.

'Becky's been very clever,' said the voice. 'She's put the idea in your head, but if you act on that idea, she can honestly raise her hands and say, "Hey, I didn't tell you to do that".'

But if she doesn't want this, why would she bring it up in the first place?

'Because Becky gets off on the power trip. She loves having you as her sexy little pawn. And Sarah ... you secretly love being her pawn.'

Why would I love that?

'Because you get to have sex with no responsibility. And not vanilla sex either. How many things have you done with Bryan and Becky that you have never done with any man, not even your husband before things went bad? You are lying here, right now, with dried woman's cum in your hair and you don't even think about washing it out.'

It's not just cum. It's Becky's cum.

'You love her, don't you?'

Yes. I do.

'But does she love you? Or does she just get off on your adoration of her?'

That was a damn good question. Sarah finally dropped off to sleep with that question wandering her mind, like a ghost in a labyrinth.

She awoke the next morning to the sound of Becky and Bryan making love. They were trying to keep it quiet, but Sarah could hear Becky's faint grunts as she was no doubt being penetrated. Tears sprang to Sarah's eyes, the hurt so bad she wanted to bawl. How could Becky fuck Bryan so soon after the spectacular hour she'd had with Sarah?

'Maybe it was only spectacular for you,' said the inner voice.

Ouch.

Sarah flew out of bed and went to the bathroom. She took a pee, then jumped under the shower, turning the water on as hot as she could stand.

*************************

'I can't do this anymore,' said Sarah.

The three of them were sitting around the breakfast table, a pot of coffee on a hotplate and a spread of toast, butter and jams before them. All three of them were dressed in sweatshirts and soft pants, Sarah now bringing a change of clothes for these 'special' weekends.

There was a moment of silence after Sarah's announcement. Then Bryan said gently:

'What happened?'

'You mean Becky didn't tell you?'

There was a sneer in Sarah's voice. Becky glanced at Bryan, but Bryan kept his eyes firmly on Sarah.

'Becky told me what she experienced,' he said. 'But that's only half the story, isn't it?'

Sarah glowered. She hated how Bryan could be so goddamn calm. Meanwhile, she felt like she was bouncing off the walls, her emotions so volatile and confusing that she barely knew up from down.

'I don't know what happened!' said Sarah. 'I really have no clue! All I know is that sex with you guys is screwing up my brain and it has to stop! First I'm in love with you! Then I'm in love with Becky ... I mean, what the fuck?! I don't even know what love is anymore!'

'Did you ever?'

Sarah's face went white with rage. Bryan quickly said:

'Listen, I didn't mean that to sound harsh. But you're not the only one struggling with this, believe me. All my life, I've been taught One Man-One Woman, One Man-One Woman, as though this is the only way that "real" love works. And that anything else is perverse or unnatural.'

'Amen,' muttered Becky.

'But the more the three of us do this,' continued Bryan, 'and the deeper we go, the more I realise that this whole One Man-One Woman thing has nothing to do with love. That it's about control.'

'Controlling what?' said Sarah.

'The sex drive,' said Bryan, pouring himself and Becky another coffee. 'Listen, I've been reading up on this, and basically monogamous marriage has nothing to do with fostering love between a man and a woman. It's about providing a stable basis for raising children. Which means controlling the sex drive of both men and women.'

'That's not true!'

'Then why does the marriage vow include the line "forsaking all others"? I mean, if you love someone so much that you want to have children with them, surely you don't even want to have sex with anyone else?'

'I...'

Sarah screwed her eyes shut and shook her head, as though her thoughts were rattling around her head. Becky watched her quietly as she sipped her coffee. Finally, Sarah said:

'Bryan, what has this got to do with me wanting to end our threesome?'

'I'm trying to tell you that I question this whole One Man-One Woman thing.'

'Yes, I got that, but--'

'We want you to move in with us,' cut in Becky.

The conversation went dead.

Sarah stared at her. Becky put down her cup and looked her in the eye.

'We want you to move in with us,' she repeated softly. 'You and Max. And ... and any more children you might want to have. We want you to be part of our family.'

There was a stunned silence. Sarah was sitting on a wooden chair that felt solid under her, yet she also felt like she was falling through space. Sarah looked at Becky, then looked at Bryan, then back to Becky again. It was clear by their expressions that they were serious. In fact, the more Sarah looked, the clearer it was that they had been wanting to say this for some time. Eventually, Sarah managed to find her voice, although when she spoke it came out as a croak.

'I can't,' she said.

Again, silence. But this one was not stunned. Both Bryan and Becky quietly let those two words sink in. Bryan nodded sadly. Becky looked pained and put her hands up to massage her temples. Sarah watched them, aghast, still falling, falling. Then Becky was up and out of her chair and before Sarah knew it, she was being hugged by the other woman. And the relief that she wasn't hated was so intense that Sarah burst into tears and hugged Becky back with everything she had.

'I'm sorry...' she cried. 'I'm so sorry...'

'It's okay,' said Becky. 'It's okay. Everything is okay.'

*************************

And that, dear readers, was the end of the affair.

There was no dramatic fight or big scene or mind-blowing revelation. Indeed, none of the people involved even realised it was over at the time. Becky and Bryan told Sarah that she was always welcome in their home and in their bed, and when she left the house that Saturday afternoon, Sarah herself wasn't sure whether she had truly meant what she said.

But she never went back.

It turns out that there is a difference between a dream that can never come true and a dream that might have come true, but you said no to it. And Sarah honestly couldn't tell why she said no. When her life was going okay, she felt that her no was the right decision, and when her life was feeling stale, she felt she'd said no because she was too afraid to say yes.

Sarah met up with Becky a couple more times for coffee, but conversation was awkward and forced. Sarah realised that she missed being naked with Becky, that being naked with her felt more natural than being clothed. But whenever Becky said, 'What's the matter?' Sarah always gave some vague reason, and a friendship cannot last when you don't share your true thoughts.

The last nail in the coffin was when both children finished their final year of infant school. Max and Tara got into different primary schools and, after that, Sarah simply didn't see Becky and Bryan anymore. Without making any conscious decision, Sarah's life went one way and Becky and Bryan's lives went another. No-one deleted anyone's number from their phone, but they didn't need to.

Life goes on, whatever you do.