Backcountry Ranger Ch. 03

Happy 40th birthday mom.

Oh it's not?

It's what?

It's the 20th anniversary of your 18th birthday?

I see, so what your saying is that next month will it be the 2nd anniversary of my 18th birthday as well?

No mom, I'm not sassing you.

Anyway I would've called earlier but I had to wax and trim Bigfoot so he can be ready for when we start shooting.

I actually feel bad for Bigfoot. He really let himself go and stopped shaving off his body hair and is all hairy all over again. Good thing I'm not allergic to Bigfoot dander.

Yeah, it took awhile as I ran out of wax and had to go and buy more and the store was all sold out and so I had to go to another store and they wouldn't take the first stores coupons despite advertising a price match guarantee so...yeah, it took awhile.

Anyway, the writer/producer/director/actor/agent/marketer and distributor agreed and wants you to be with Bigfoot and me in our next movie.

Bigfoot porn is a niche market but it sure is profitable.

It will be called "Back Country Ranger 3, Rump Humpers attack."

Of course there are lots and lots of anal scenes. After all, that's what I'm best known for, and remember, I did win 'best anal' last year at the annual porn award show.

The movies aren't called back country ranger for nothing.

It's a clue. A metaphor.

Metaphor.

I don't really know what that means; I'm not into big words.

Yes, Back Country Ranger 3, Rump Humpers attack.

The plot? Well basically this time we go to Yellowstone National Park and discover that an evil doctor and his henchmen are trying to blow up the Yellowstone super volcano. They are going to blackmail the world if they don't get what they want.

What do they want?

They want world domination and to subjugate all women into anal servitude.

Because it's called Rump Humpers attack. They want to attack our Rumps...

Look, I don't write this stuff, I'm just an actress, the writer/director/producer/financier does all that.

So anyway, the President gets wind of an impending terrorist attack and sends in me and Bigfoot as a covert operations team to meat the threat.

Get it? Meat? No? Anyway...

At first the terrorists target an instrument company of some sort located in Texas.

They are a terrorist organization called Al-Gebra and they are wielding weapons of math instruction. They are trying to take down Big Math and their stranglehold on higher education.

Anyway, this is where you come in...we will have two scenes, the first one is where Bigfoot and I rescue you from the factory in Texas where they make the Instruments and take you into our protective custody where we then have a three way with Bigfoot and me as you express your gratitude for your rescue and the second one is when you accompany us to Yellowstone as we try and find the evil lair and you and I will be camping and the henchmen find us and surprise us when we are 69ing and scissoring and fondling and frottage and licking pussy and even KISSING and kidnap us and take us back to the evil lair to meet the evil mastermind who will then try to kill us in an overly elaborate and totally and unnecessarily dramatic manner!

NO I DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH RUN ON SENTENCES!

Anyway in one scene they jump me and I yell, "Get off of me." But the henchmen think I yell "Get off IN me." And then one thing leads to another and I say "Oh no," and the henchman says "Oh yeah!" And then there is a struggle, and his cock is inside my ass, and then I'm like "Hngh!" cause he's stretching me out, and the henchman is like "Mmph," and then I go like "Mmmm" cuz it kinda feels good despite myself and then the henchman goes like "Urgh" as he cums and then "Oof" when Bigfoot knocks him out and rescues me and then we go on and continue the mission.

Because they are the henchmen, they attack and try to hench us...duh...

Mom......seriously...I'm not the writer, ok...I don't write this schlock, and I'm just a porn star...

Why make a third movie?

Because it's Hollywood porn! This is just how porn operates, if it kind of works and makes money they'll just keep on doing it over and over again until everyone is sick and tired of it. Besides, all great trilogies come in threes, you know this already.

ANYWAY...mom...once the shooting is over and Bigfoot rescues us we get to go back into our undercover identities.

Also, you should know that we sold our farm in Humboldt County. It turns out that we really weren't welcome there and everyone thought of us as outsiders not to be trusted. Even Bigfoot, who's as at home in the forest as anyone can possibly be!

Well, we took the money and have moved to our new ranch in Montana. We will finally open our new business "Bigfoot and Bimbo's Bed and Breakfast".

Try our Big Foot Long Meat!

If you want to you can be there as well as our live in lover and maid and technical math genius girl...woman...something.

How can you say that? It totally makes perfect sense!

Yes, B&B's B&B. Clever, right?

Now that we know how important it is we made sure to introduce ourselves to all the locals. Some of them even recognized us from our films! It's so nice to meet fans of our work.

Did I tell you we met someone new? Bigfoot and I heard about an event called the Annual Local Firefighters Pancake Breakfast Fundraiser.

I thought 'pancake breakfast fundraiser' was another methaphor...err...metaphor...

As it turns out, pancakes weren't being used as a metaphor, they were actually making and selling pancakes for breakfast to raise money for charity.

Boy were our faces red with embarrassment when we learned that they had a different idea of what pancakes meant...but we met the Fire Captain, he's the guy in charge of the Fire Brigade and still had a wonderful time making the type of pancakes that you and I know so well.

His name? I'm actually not too sure. I think it was something along the lines of Captain O.B. Vious because of how obviously well endowed he was. Not quite as long or thick as Bigfoot but still doing well for himself down there.

B and C DP'd me you see and if you could see me you'd see that I am so sore and walking bow legged for now but...

There is one final thing you should know...brace yourself...

You are going to be a grandmother!!! YAYYY!

Yes. Really! A grandmother! I'm pregnant with Bigfoot's baby!

It's probably time we settled down and raised a family even if it means my career in porn will be over.

How will we make money? Endorsements!

The Dickens Cider company has asked us to endorse their new HARD CIDER drink.

Yes, they'll still use the same slogan;

"Every Girl is happier when she has a Dickens Cider!"

Bigfoot and I will then simply lean back and real in that sweet royalty money.

MOM, we are literally talking about HUNDREDS of DOLLARS HERE!

Ugh! Mom, you are literally the worst.

No, I mean literally, for emphasis, like an exclamation point on a sentence, not literally literally.

OK mom, whatever, I've got to go. I'll see you on set Monday and with luck we can wrap up shooting Monday night and go out for tacos!

Love you too mom, Bye!