Being Jim Ch. 09: The Guilty Heart

Franky stood there searching my eyes and I guess she found nothing but the truth that I had offered her. She sighed heavily and shrugged her shoulders resignedly before setting her pretty face into a disappointed smirk and turning to open her driver side car door. Over her right shoulder she turned to me once more and hung her head for a moment then spoke again.

"Thank you, Jim. I get the feeling that took a lot for you to just say. Listen... if you ever need someone to talk to... I mean I know we've just met but... seriously. I'm a good listener. Just saying." She smiled warmly this time and shrugged again then turned to get into her car.

I Smiled in return and gave her a half-hearted wave as I resumed my short trek to my own car. After I got in and started the engine, I could see the curtains in Dave and Sarah's kitchen window move a bit.

"The show is over Sarah" I thought to myself as I put my car in gear and drove away towards home.

Home was not far from Dave and Sarah's duplex, only a couple of blocks away. It's one of the reasons I hung out with them as much as I did, they were close, both as friends and by location. Usually when I got off work at the plant, I didn't feel up to going anywhere or doing much of anything but since they lived so close it wasn't much of a hassle. I really enjoyed their company.

I had met the two online at one of the bulletin boards that I frequented here in town, Night Friends. Over the years I had met many good people and made many close friends. Dave was a character in the trivia chat room, and pretty damned good at the trivia game itself... Sarah was not so much into the game but she did like to talk. Oh, my lord, did she like to talk! But then, so did I. We talked a lot online before we ever met in person. It was at one of the bulletin board get togethers that we had every so often, that I finally met them in person. Everyone met at a local eatery to socialize and have dinner.

When I met them, I really took a liking to them. I mean I was already friends with them online but in person we all just seemed to click. The first time I looked into Sarah's big dark eyes I knew that I would be seeing a lot more of her, it was a connection that can't be explained really... just a feeling. I got the impression that she needed someone to talk to... in depth, and not just about the weather or trivia or mundane stuff like that. We exchanged phone numbers that first meeting and it wasn't long before we were sharing dinners and playing cards and other things that friends do.

Of course, having someone to talk to finally was a blessing for Sarah. She and Dave had transplanted from New Jersey to Kentucky because of Dave's work. Dave seemed to be able to make friends with most anyone so he didn't have any problems, but Sarah felt like she was on a deserted island with her only outlet being online at the bulletin board, and what few customers she spoke with at the pharmacy that she worked at part time. So, when they befriended me and she found that I had a willing ear to listen she finally began to shine. We would talk for hours on the phone, often after I got home from work in the mornings as I worked nights at the time. I would lay in bed and listen... and talk some, but mostly just listen.

All of my life I've had this thing about me, well, all of my life from say junior high school on anyway. People I knew would talk to me. I mean really open up and tell me stuff about them and their lives that I had no business knowing or need to know for that matter. I know I have an open mind and I try not to judge anyone for most anything really but why they feel they can or need to tell me stuff, private, stuff, personal stuff... I'll never understand. So, I wasn't the least bit surprised when Sarah opened up to me and before long, I was being told her deepest darkest secrets. Her fears, her concerns, her hopes and dreams.

Unasked and unsought, I learned that Sarah had been abused as a young girl by a family member no less. It had scarred her for life. She had self-esteem issues that she struggled mightily to overcome. I learned that she had had a miscarriage as a teenager... a pregnancy that was a result of having been raped. She had no idea who it was that had attacked her but still, losing the child cut into her soul. She turned to drinking and drugs for many years, going so far as to sell her body to be able to get her fixes. She had contemplated suicide more than once. Dark days in her life indeed. But then she met Dave.

They both worked together at the post office, for a while. She found a caring soul and a man she could love in Dave, and he was head over heels in love with her as well. They did get married. They had plans for starting a family. Sarah had cleaned up by this time of course, she had been clean and sober for two years before meeting Dave and still straight all these years later. Unfortunately, she found that she could not bear children. That was one of her biggest regrets, not being able to give Dave any children.

Over the months that followed our meeting and becoming friends, I had enjoyed many a wonderful meal with Dave and Sarah. I found that Sarah was an amazing cook, especially all things Italian. Of course, she being of Italian heritage and having grown up with superb cooks like her own mother and grandmother, it was a no brainer that she too would have such skill. Sarah was delighted to try to teach me how to make many of the dishes and she was also quite impressed that I was something of a decent cook myself. Often, we would work together making dinner for the three of us, sometimes it would be Dave and I making dinner... on the grill anyway... and giving Sarah the night off. That was usually on the nights that Sarah had to work at the pharmacy.

It was during those times when Dave and I were alone that he dug a little deeper into my background. Sure, there was the superficial stuff like where I grew up and where I gone to school that kind of thing, but also more in depth like past relationships and the like. I didn't go into a lot of detail as that was far too painful for me to revisit some parts of my life as it was. I didn't need to break down and lose it. I guess he was intuitive enough to see or sense when I would get a little choked up and would often change the subject to something lighter.

As it was though, Dave learned that I had indeed been deeply in love twice in my adult life, both times ending tragically unfortunately. I admitted that I was very hesitant to invest myself like that again but that I had found the company of a few ladies over the years and I wasn't complaining even if there were dry spells now and then. Meeting people online had really opened up the door to several opportunities. I didn't mention anyone in particular but I implied that several of our friends on the bulletin board we shared, were quite close indeed... from time to time.

Often dating, as it were, is next to impossible when you get down to logistics. If one works a full-time job, and your person of interest also works full time, unless you share similar schedules, it can be problematic. That I work nights makes that doubly problematic. So, potential relationships often die on the vine so to speak. I was aware of it, Dave learned of it and of course shared everything, I would assume, with Sarah... so she was aware of my predicament as well. This is why she took such pains and joy in trying to fix me up, I think.

I don't know for certain, but I think Sarah spoke with several of the friends I had mentioned online at Night Friends. No matter how old I get I'm always reminded of a few simple facts of life... like GIRLS TALK. It's like an intelligence network or something. Secrets get shared, plans get made, and... and... Oh hell I don't know what else... anything and EVERYTHING. Plain and simple Girls gotta talk and Girls are GONNA talk. So, I know for a fact that she learned things about me that Dave had not garnered from his private conversations with me while we waited on her to get home from work.

Sarah wasn't the only one finding things out though. I have always been something of a people watcher. I guess it stemmed partly from my being so shy most of my younger life. I learned to observe people. I learned to spot clues and cues in body language as well as outward appearances that didn't seem to mesh with how a person acted or spoke. I didn't have to try too hard to find or notice clues but I sensed early on that even though there was no doubt that Sarah and Dave loved one another dearly there was something missing. I didn't think it was my business though so I never mentioned it or asked about it from either of them. They were my friends after all, and that was private unto them only. I did hope they would work things out though.

I had to wonder however, if perhaps this obsession of Sarah's with trying to fix me up might be some sort of unconscious compensation for her own problems. I did appreciate her well-meaning and knew her heart was in the right place but I was starting to tire of her efforts all the same. I realized that I was going to have to have a serious talk with her at some point. I didn't want to hurt her feelings but really. I sighed internally at the thought.

It was almost two weeks after that last surprise blind date with an equally surprised Francine... er... Franky, before I had a night off that would allow me to have dinner again with Dave and Sarah. Oh, I had been over to their house a couple of times, once to pick Sarah up from work because her car battery was dead and Dave was out of town on a sales call. She often walked the two miles from home to the pharmacy and back after getting off work, but this time it had been raining and I was off so it was no problem for me.

Another time their washing machine had begun spewing water all over the laundry room... again, Dave had been out of town. He was due back that evening but it was an emergency. All it turned out to be was the drain hose had popped out of the wall mount. Not a hard fix. I was rewarded with hugs and kisses though all over my cheeks. I just shook my head and smiled and took my reward. Dave called to thank me later that evening as well.

The coals in the grill were hot and ready to begin cooking. Dave handed me another wine cooler as he came out with a plate full of franks and hamburgers to begin cooking. As I sat on the back porch of their duplex and watched the next-door neighbor washing her car, Dave smiled at me and winked. I had to grin, I had been busted, again.

"Well, I suppose it's better that you caught me ogling your neighbor than Sarah." I said with a shrug.

"Yeah, she'd be calling Vicky over to talk... and to introduce you two." Dave said with a chuckle as he rolled some franks around with his tongs in one hand and holding a long neck in the other.

"I know she means well Dave, but really. Please tell me she's not planning anything tonight." I almost pleaded.

"Not to my knowledge, Jim. She's still a little disappointed with the last time with Franky." He said with a shrug turning back to the grill.

"Sarah thought that she had finally found someone for you that you liked. She was excited until she found out that you two didn't work out after that first night." Dave related.

"Franky... Francine... is a lovely girl, really, but I have far more in common with her than her interests in me." I said in an aside. Dave turned to look at me with one eyebrow raised questioningly.

"What do you mean? I thought having common interests was a good thing." Dave spoke.

"Well... girls for instance..." I said vaguely hoping Dave would pick up the hint without me spelling it out. But the blank look on his face told me I would have to elaborate further.

"Francine was far more interested in Sarah than in me." I told Dave, still trying to let him pick up the hint.

"Francine... Uh Franky was interested in Sarah?" Dave asked still puzzled then I guess he finally caught on to what I was trying to say without coming right out and saying that Franky was gay. Both of Dave's eyebrows shot up and his mouth formed a silent "OH" then he smirked and shook his head turning back to the grill again to flip some burgers.

"Dave... please don't tell Sarah. I told Franky... Francine, that I wouldn't say anything. She really is a nice girl... just a little different." I all but pleaded of Dave. He gave me that closed mouth smile with a little shrug of his head and nodded. I guess he agreed that there was no sense in alarming Sarah over nothing.

"I can ask her to give it a rest with the match making too, but I wouldn't hold your breath if I were you." Dave said again with another shrug.

"Yeah, I figured I'd have to have a serious talk with her soon anyway. I mean I know she means well but I really don't need any help finding someone Dave, honestly." I lamented as I absentmindedly watched their neighbor... Vicky... as she leaned way out over the hood of her Honda, in her daisy dukes shorts and that now soaking wet halter top. I had to smile and shake my head. It was about this time that Dave and I both heard Sarah from the kitchen.

"Where is everyone?" Sarah shouted questioningly. "Could I get a hand with these groceries?" She added not so much asking as demanding. Dave took a deep breath and leaned his head back to stare at the heavens for a moment or two before his shoulders slumped. Turning to me he gave me an imploring look and a half smile. I took the hint, I mean, after all, he was tending the grill.

"Whose melodious voice was that I heard just now?" I asked teasingly as I stepped through the sliding glass doors from the deck into the dining room just off the kitchen.

"Oh, Hi Jim!" Sarah brightened smiling as she set down her purse and a couple of paper grocery sacks. "Come on, I've got a couple of more bags in the car." She said as she turned on her heel and headed back out the door from the kitchen to the living room and to the front door.

I followed her, and couldn't help but to notice the spring in her step. Was she in a good mood, or was she bubbling with anticipation over some unknown arrangement headed my way? Or could it be... no... not that, Sarah is head over heels in love with Dave, even if they do squabble and fuss like an old married couple. I shook my head to clear my thoughts of that line of thinking.

"I knew Dave was cooking burgers and dogs on the grill for dinner tonight but I thought we should have other things to eat as well, especially for dessert." Sarah spoke conspiratorially as she handed me two bags from the trunk of their car, before grabbing the last one for herself. She closed the lid on the trunk and we walked back into the house and to the kitchen. She set down her bag and then took first one then the other from me.

"Dave pretty well has the grill under control, do you need a hand with anything in here?" I asked feeling like I should be contributing a little effort for dinner. Besides, it gave me an excuse to work on that little talk I was determined to have with Sarah about all these blind dates she kept trying to set me up with.

Sarah was taking items out of the grocery bags and organizing them on the counter space. She smiled at me and nodded in silent thanks... before leaning towards the dining room door to shout to Dave.

"How much longer out there, sweetie?" She then looked at me and added softly "I hope he's not had too many beers yet or this salad might be dinner." She smirked and then asked me to hand her the big salad bowl off the top of the fridge.

"Be just a couple of more minutes!" We heard Dave shout in return to answer Sarah's question.

"Oh, Jim... hand me the Mayonnaise from the fridge too, and get the big wooden spoon and a knife. I'll put you busy cutting up some fruit." Sarah said as she was a flurry of motion and ingredients were being torn, broken or chopped and tossed into the salad bowl.

I was handed two apples, a pear, two bananas, and a bag of grapes and told to cut them into bite sized pieces. The grapes were to be cut in half. I dutifully did as I was told as I did the math in my head for the number of servings being prepared. I relaxed a little knowing that it was just about right for three people, instead of four.

With the fruit cut up and, in the bowl, Sarah took the wooden spoon and dolloped a spoonful or two of mayonnaise into the bowl as well. She grabbed some ground cinnamon from the cabinet and dusted the mixture a bit. She did the same with some ground Ginger, and nutmeg, before having me grab bottle of white wine out of the fridge. I pulled the cork back out of the half empty bottle and she splashed in about a half a cup of the vino into the bowl. A little stirring and a taste... The cute dark Italianesque face of my friend scrunched up as her eyes squinted shut as she pondered the flavors from the taste test. Then her eyes brightened and she smiled that dazzling bright smile of hers and said...

"It only needs one more thing... behind you in the second drawer down from the silverware... there's a bag of mini marshmallows." Sarah said... implying I should fetch them for her of course. And I did. I handed her the bag of marshmallows.

"Thank you, Jim." She said as she opened the bag and began shaking mini marshmallows into the bowl. I stirred with the wooden spoon and watched Sarah's face.

"Thank you." I said softly. This puzzled Sarah and she stopped shaking marshmallows for a moment looking at me with her head tilted ever so slightly to one side as if to question why I said thank you.

"For what?" Sarah asked as she resumed shaking marshmallows from the bag but watching my face with furtive glances.

"For not trying to set me up with a new friend or a somebody you've met and thought I might like too..." I said politely and softly making the same sort of furtive glances at her as she was giving me. I actually saw her blush a little before she launched into a well-practiced speech.

"I'm only looking out for you Jim. Is it bad for me to want you to be happy? You're too nice of a catch to let you go on alone and lonely..." She stopped talking as I reached out with the hand that was holding the salad bowl and stilled the hand that she was shaking marsh mallows out of the bag with.

"Sarah... thank you... I know you meant well, but please don't. I'm okay, really. Just because I'm single doesn't mean I'm unhappy. Lord, you sound like my mom sometimes!" I said with a laugh trying to soften the sting of my plea.

"Well, you mother is a smart woman, no doubt! She knows too that you should have someone by your side. Someone who loves you. You are too lovable to not have someone. You need a girl who's going to make an honest man out of you." She said with a grin and went back to making her salads.

After another taste test of the fruit salad, Sarah declared it good and asked me to set the bowl in the fridge to chill. A couple of carrots, shaved and a sliced-up cucumber completed the green salad before she reached for the olive oil and some balsamic vinegar and some honey. She poured a little of each into an empty salad dressing bottle then closed the cap and handed it to me to shake up. Dave came through the kitchen door with a plate of sizzling hot dogs and hamburgers.

Sarah put some salad into three small bowls and grabbed some silverware while Dave and I grabbed some paper plates and followed into the living room. Dave took his recliner and Sarah and I sat side by side on the sofa using the coffee table as our dining table. Burgers, chips, salad... it was a tasty dinner, the company was enjoyable as well, even if Dave was more wrapped up in the game on TV than participating in conversation. After we finished, I helped Sarah take the plates to the kitchen and we rinsed our bowls and refilled them with the now chilled fruit salad. Sarah handed me the three bowls and forks and turned to the fridge to pull another beer for Dave and a bottle of chilled white wine for the two of us. Bottles in one hand and two glasses in the other she followed me back to the living room.