Being Jim Ch. 09: The Guilty Heart

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Dinner was off to a cautious start. The antipasto was wonderful the salad okay, I guess. I didn't have too much of either, not because it wasn't good but because I knew that Sarah had at least two more courses to go and then there was desert at the end as well. I think Franky was a lot more nervous than she let on as she too hardly ate much of the first course or salad.

Sarah kept the conversation light even badgering Dave now and them to get his opinion on one thing or another. Sara, and Dave when prompted, extolled my friendship to them for Franky's benefit, telling her about how I help out so much with little repair projects or working on their car. Sarah had to make a fuss about my cooking too. Franky seemed a little impressed at that seeing as she, like I, practically worshiped Sarah's cooking skills. If Sarah said someone was a good cook, the statement had some weight.

I managed to put forth a question now and then to Franky about where she was from, what she did for a living, what kind of interests she had or hobbies maybe. I found out that she too was on the local bulletin board scene with her computer. We talked a little about different boards that we both frequented and some of the users on them. I gave as much information as I received of course. I discovered that Franky was a transplant, like Sarah and Dave but she was originally from Ohio rather than New Jersey. I had a momentary pang of conscience at hearing that as I remembered someone else in my life that also had moved from Ohio to Kentucky and... well... I have to just remember the joy and move on and not dwell on that line of thought. Sarah must have seen a look on my face or something as she looked at me silently questioning if I was okay. I smiled weakly and shrugged and returned to the conversation at hand.

While we were all having some of the pasta and bread sticks, I made a remark on something that Dave had said about Sarah's fear of driving here locally, being a kid from New Jersey she was much more accustomed to traveling by train or bus. I forget what I cracked wise about but it got chuckles and laughs from the whole table... including Sarah. But what was revealing, to me anyway was that Franky finally smiled showing her teeth... and the gap between her front teeth. Now it's not as bad as you might think, yeah there was a gap, a significant gap, but it wasn't all that unattractive. However, I realized that Franky was very self-conscious about it.

I also determined that Franky's hair color was indeed natural and not bottle born. Her eyebrows were even rusty red. I think she had lots of freckles on her fair skin as well but they were very well camouflaged by her make up. Her eyes... I don't know how I missed them the first time I saw her as she entered the kitchen with Sarah. I mean I did I guess, they just didn't register in my mind at that moment, but now, sitting across the table from her eating dinner I could see that they were a pale gray... almost silver really. There was an intelligence in them that I could appreciate... and something more.... something familiar. A nagging thought tugging at the back of my subconscious trying to take hold of my attention and come to the forefront of my awareness.

I tried not to stare or be creepy but I studied Franky's eyes as much as I could. I was fascinated by their color and coolness... and warmth. Wait... warmth? And there it was. I looked to Dave and he was oblivious to most goings on at the table, only responding when prompted and pretty much just watching his plate and his food as he ate. Sara was in her element, she talked and joked and engaged all of us singly and as a group... even throwing daggers at Dave with her eyes but still being civil to him as we ate and talked. But watching Franky I more or less confirmed my suspicions after noting her eyes.

Franky would glance at me or Dave... briefly in Dave's case, hesitantly and uncertain in my case... but when she looked at Sarah. Well... there was more than just a little warmth in her silver-gray eyes then. I would imagine that when Franky looked at Sarah all the rest of the world sort of faded into the background and there might very well have been music playing in her mind. Franky was infatuated with Sarah... I suspected it went a lot deeper than merely friendship... perhaps a secret longing and desire to be far closer than friends with our lovely dark-haired hostess. Yeah, she hung on Sarah's every word... she was... hmm... I'll not call it outright but I strongly suspect that Franky and I would never be much more than friends.

That realization was a bit of a turning point for me that evening. I really relaxed as I knew I was not going to play at winning over miss Francine... I probably didn't stand a chance if I did anyway, but that's fine. I have been aware of and comfortable with people with alternative lifestyles and sexual orientations for most of my adult life. I really am open minded and happy to let others be happy with their own desires. Some of my dearest and oldest friends shared my interests in the fairer sex, even if they themselves were of that same gender. The fact that it didn't bother me and I didn't judge them for their own inclinations earned me respect and acceptance amongst them.

The pasta was filling and quite tasty but the cacciatore was magnificent. Even Dave had to praise Sarah for this dish. Franky seemed to almost be orgasmic as she savored every bite... I had to agree with her though as it truly was something to write about. Sarah was beside herself that all of us raved about it. That and what she thought was a winning match maker play between Francine and myself. I was almost sorry that I would have to burst her bubble... sometime... but not tonight. I would let her soak in her joy and happiness for now. Dave, still oblivious to it all but seemed to sense something was up as he gave me a curious look on the sly. I looked at him and shrugged but only a half-smile that he inferred as a "Thanks but not really."

Dave and I rose when the girls seemed to be finished with the main course. I gathered some of the plates and dishes to help clear the table. Dave carried the leftovers, which there was very little of actually to the kitchen while the girls sat and talked over their wine. I made a second trip to the dining room to get the salad bowl and bread basket as Dave got out some smaller plates for the desert. Sarah and Franky were head-to-head whispering conspiratorially and giggling. How much of that was from the wine and how much was from what they were discussing is beyond me.

When I came back into the dining room carrying the tiramisu that Franky had brought, Dave or Sarah one had placed the candles from the side table to the main dining table and lit them. Dave was just turning down the overhead lights as I set the desert on the table in front of Sarah. She went on fawning over the desert for Franky's benefit I'm sure but it was cut and served. Sarah couldn't let the opportunity pass though, she had to say something.

"A toast..." She said raising her wine glass, the white wine glistening in the candle light as she smiled and looked between the rest of us, Franky, myself and even Dave.

"To good friends..." She offered.

We all lifted our glasses in agreement and assented with "here... here" or the same words she had spoken "To good friends." And then we all drank... and began eating desert.

I watched Franky and her eyes. They really were very lovely in the candlelight... I smiled sadly to myself thinking that it would have been nice to get to know what made those beautiful eyes shine so brightly but I knew in my heart that they would not have shone for me... oh well... To each his... or her... own. It was getting late by the time we polished off the last of the wine. I thanked Sarah and Dave for inviting me to dinner and praised Sarah yet again for her fantastic meal. I also, begrudgingly thanked her for setting me up to meet miss Francine. She truly was a lovely young lady and I was happy to make her acquaintance.

Francine too, decided it would be time for her to depart as well. She too thanked our guests and even thanked me for a wonderful dinner conversation. We both offered to help clean up but Sarah would hear nothing of it. She happily shooed the two of us out of the dining room, walking with us to the den and the front door. Sarah and Franky hugged as only two friends can... but I detected, again, a little more in Franky's enjoyment of it. I think she noticed that I had noticed as well but seemed to relax when I surreptitiously winked at her. Then it was my turn for the Sarah hug. Yeah, it has its own name... as it should. When Sarah hugs it's a HUG! The woman is not bashful in the least, and oh my, the woman has softness and curves and charms all her own that just... just feel so good when she throws that hug on you. I had to sigh when she released me and I know I was blushing a bit too.

Francine picked up on this as well. Not surprising to me really as she was quite fixated on Sarah to begin with. I merely smiled at her sheepishly and gave that little head tilt and micro shrug. I asked if I could walk her to her car... mostly for Sarah's benefit but also because I wanted to talk to Franky in private for a moment. She accepted, I think because she too wanted to bend my ear for a moment as well. We said our goodbyes to Dave and Sarah as we walked out to the street and to our cars.

We strolled along casually, in no hurry, almost touching at our hips but maintaining a comfortable distance as almost strangers might. I could feel Sarah's eyes on the back of my neck, probably peeping out of the kitchen window over the sink... probably too, with her fingers crossed. I had to chuckle at that thought.

"What's so funny?" Franky asked curiously.

"Sarah." I said as if that explained everything.

"Sarah? What's so funny about Sarah?" Franky asked guardedly. I could almost feel her tensing even though we weren't even touching one another.

"Yeah, she's got such a big heart... and big dreams." I said clarifying my thoughts a bit for Franky.

'Nothing wrong with dreams." She said a little wistfully.

"No, nothing wrong with dreams, I guess. As long as you don't put too many hopes in them, they can be disappointing when they don't pan out the way you had hoped or... dreamed." I said a little cryptically.

"It sounds like you've been disappointed before Jim." Franky said as she turned and leaned her cute backside against the driver side door of her car, folding her arms across her chest, just under her modest but nicely proportioned breasts.

"You would be correct. Still though I try not to rain on everyone else's parade. She is such a sweet lady I really don't want to hurt her." I confessed. Waiting to see if perhaps Franky would offer up more.

"You know, don't you?" Franky asked softly after a moment or two. I pondered for a moment before responding. I could easily say something that would hurt her or anger her but I didn't want to do that. Still though I knew I had to say something, to at least let her know that it might be a waste of her time.

"Franky... What you feel and who you feel it for is your business only. Well... yours and whomever you choose to share it with I suppose. I'm not judging you in any way. It's cool by me, really..." I offered in way of an olive branch with a sincere and steady voice.

"But...?" She asked waiting for a little more clarification perhaps.

"But... Sarah has no clue that you are into her far more than she... would be... towards you. I'm not saying she doesn't like you, that's obvious, she adores you... but not the way you do her. Of course, I could be wrong. There's a possibility that she might take a liking to... the fairer sex... but I have never gotten that vibe from her." I said trying to make the point but not be too harsh about it.

Franky hung her head and was silent for an almost uncomfortable amount of time. I could see her fingers flexing and flicking at her elbows as she ruminated over what I had just said, and perhaps replaying other conversations with Sarah in her head. After a while she looked up at me as I stood there in front of her with my hands in my back pockets, my head tilted down almost sheepishly as I chewed the inside of my cheeks while she contemplated what I had said.

"So, what now?" Franky asked with resignation.

"I don't know Franky, that's up to you. I'm not warning you off or telling you not to pursue anything I'm just giving you a heads up. I love Sarah too as a very dear friend and I wouldn't want to see her get hurt... and I wouldn't want to see you get hurt either really. I can't fault you for your interest. Hell, if she weren't married, I'd be chasing her too... probably. More likely she'd be chasing whoever took her fancy." I said in a conspiratorial voice, not quite a whisper.

Franky actually laughed out loud at that. She then shook her head and took a deep breath. Interesting things happen when she takes a deep breath... her chest rises... I sighed and shook my own head a little sadly but grinned at her all the same.

"Jim, it really was nice to meet you. You're...unique." She said lightly as she leaned a little to one side to look past me and grinned at me when she looked back at me.

"I get that a lot... and what are you grinning at? I just burst your bubble and you're smiling?" I asked curiously myself.

"I think Sarah's watching us... I saw the curtains in the window moving." She said with a little mischief in her voice now.

"Yeah, I've felt her eyes on us since we stepped off the porch a few minutes ago. You know she really is trying to fix us up together... which tells me she has no clue as to your...interests." I said with a raised eyebrow.

"You say you love her too?" Franky asked giving me a bit of a sidelong glance with those silvery gray eyes of hers. It was almost mesmerizing.

"Y... yeah. I mean like a friend, or even family maybe. I'm not romantically inclined to her but that is probably because my conscience keeps me from taking too much interest in married women... or tries to at least. I've slipped before but those were different circumstances... Why?" I finally asked, my curiosity getting the better of me at that moment.

Franky stood up from where she was leaning against her car and stepped closer to me. She unfolded her arms and brought her hands to my elbows. Standing toe to toe with me she looked up slightly and then twisted a bit to my right side to peek over my shoulder again towards the kitchen window to see if she could see Sarah peeping. Sarah smiled devilishly and licked her lips. That was... wow... interesting.

Turning back to me, looking up into my eyes Franky winked and said softly to follow her lead. She slipped her hands from my elbows to my waist and wrapped her arms around me pulling herself a little closer to me. My own arms responded without my even thinking about it as they wrapped themselves around Franky's warm inviting frame.

"I know you're not a girl, Jim, but I have a feeling you have been kissed by one a time or two. Am I right?" She stated more than asked as she moved her face closer towards my own.

Our faces tilted slightly as our noses brushed alongside one another and with her eyes wide open, those intriguingly beautiful eyes... our lips met in a soft collision. It was tentative at best. Not cold or rushed but there was no fiery spark there either. There was as warmth and sensuousness that I've shared a time or two with others in my life, sure it was pleasant. Yet I knew, somehow, that this was all for show... for Sarah's benefit. No tongue, no heavy petting, not even breathlessness. Just a sweet innocent... okay...not so innocent maybe... kiss between to consenting adults. It was sensual and very enjoyable but then I've always loved to kiss and be kissed by a beautiful girl. Oh hell, who am I kidding, most any girl really, even one who has no interests in men whatsoever.

Over my shoulder, we heard some frantic sounding whispering coming from the darkened kitchen window. I suspect that Sarah was beckoning for Dave to come see what was going on. It was Franky that broke the kiss first. She couldn't help herself from smiling as she turned her head and laid it on my left shoulder, mostly to have a peek in the direction of the window. I was almost overwhelmed. The feel of a warm vibrant, and yes, attractive woman pressed closely against my own body... the swell of her breasts pressing into my chest, the feel of her arms about me and her soft face lying on my shoulder and neck... if I didn't know better it would be very easy to be swept away.

"Thank you for playing along, Jim." Franky whispered softly into my ear and then she stood up straight and pulled back, even if a little reluctantly. She looked a little sheepish as she smiled at me and glanced furtively at my face and eyes. In the back of my mind, I heard a little voice telling me "Yeah buddy, this one still has feelings for guys too... sometimes."

"My pleasure Francine." I deliberately responded with her given name. Letting her know that I admired the WOMAN that she is as well as the person she chooses to be.

"I'm sure Sarah got a thrill out of that little show. Thank you for that. You didn't have to do that you know." I said softly but meaning every word.

"I know, but... I like her... maybe it's just infatuation and not really love but if it made her happy to see us... together, even if only for a few minutes, then it was worth it. Besides... you're not a bad kisser buddy." She smiled as she teased me a bit. Wrapping her left arm across her body under her breasts again to hold her right arm at the elbow while her right hand idly ran up and down my left arm as my hands were still resting lightly on her hips.

"You know, Sarah has tried to set me up before... and I'm sure she will again... but I'm kind of glad I at least got to meet you Franky. You're alright. And you know what?" I asked baiting her a little.

"What?" She responded turning her head a little to one side suspiciously.

"Preferences and inclinations as they might be... if you ever want to dabble on the other side of the fence, I'd be happy to lend you, my lips." I said smiling and softened it with a wink. "I could always use some practice, I'm a little rusty." I added.

"Rusty?" Franky barked out as a laugh. "If that's rusty... well..." She shivered slightly bringing her right arm across her waist to grab her left arm at the elbow. "Hmmmm... I'll make sure I get your number from Sarah... that'll make her think that her plan is working... you know..." She said a little sheepishly again but was smiling brightly and that gap in her front teeth peeked out for a moment.

"Goodnight, Franky." I said with a smile as I started to turn to walk to my own car.

"Jim... wait..." Franky called out almost urgently in a whispering voice. I turned back to her.

"Yes?" I asked quietly.

"You... you won't tell her... will you?" Franky asked humbly maybe even a little worried, the look in her eyes was definitely of concern.

"No Franky, your secret is safe with me. That's up to you and her. If you want to come out to her and let her know how you feel that's your business. I really wasn't warning you off, I just didn't want to see anyone get hurt over misunderstandings or mixed emotions. You know Sarah likes you for you... maybe only as a friend, and in a way that sucks. I know... I've been there many times myself, but it's still something. It's up to you to decide if you want more and what you are willing to risk to go for it. Bear in mind though, she is married and despite how they carry on a lot of the time those two in there really do love one another... I hope you find something like that with someone too... I hope I find something like that for myself someday... again." I said and felt a lump growing in my throat as unbidden memories came rushing to mind. I shook my head to clear the haze and smiled, if somewhat sadly, at Franky and nodded to her acknowledging her plight.