Being Jim Ch. 09: The Guilty Heart

It was an open invitation for support and understanding if I needed any. I felt a little lump in my throat as memories of things from my past crept up in my thoughts. Smiling faces, so hopeful and full of love, then the searing pain of loss and separation squashing the happiness in less than a blink of an eye. I knew someday I would again have to explain to someone my deepest and darkest days and hurts. Tonight, was not the night however, and to be honest I didn't want to think about those things. At least, not tonight, or anytime soon.

"Thank you, Sarah, really. For everything. I'll keep you in mind, I promise. I'm going home now. I'll talk to you later girl." I told her as she moved to give me another quick hug. She pecked me on the cheek with a quick kiss as well before sending me on my way. She leaned against the door frame with her arms crossed over her chest and watched me get in my car, start up and drive off.

Of course, due to my work schedule, the night was still young for me. I wouldn't be thinking about sleep or the bed until daybreak or maybe later. When I got home to my apartment, I grabbed a glass of iced tea and plopped my butt on my couch and turned on the idiot box. I really wasn't paying much attention to whatever was coming through the cable though, it was all just light and shadows as I sat there ruminating Sarah's reading of my Tarot cards earlier in the evening. Aside from only vague hints to Barbra, I had told no one online or in person much of my past... Especially not about my two biggest heartaches. How then had Sarah seemingly tapped into that long-buried pain?

I have always thought of myself as somewhat spiritual but not by any means religious. I believe in "God" but I don't have a name for that higher power. I think it's fascinating that so many different cultures and even religions are so similar but that they get hung up on specifics. Fanatically so! More wars have been fought, more bloodshed over religious beliefs than anything else known to mankind. One group hating all others because everyone else doesn't adhere to the same beliefs as they do... It's just stupid. The way I see it, religion is just a social constriction... a means to govern and control the masses. A hierarchy of wizened "holy" men commune with "GOD" and then tell or "guide" the masses on how to live, love, think and most importantly behave. And if you do NOT live by their holy rules... you are a heathen at best, an infidel and doomed soul at worst.

I have no problem with people believing what they want. What I have a problem with is those people trying to force me to share their beliefs. I just smile and nod my head when people start quoting "scripture" from the bible or whatever holy tomb they adhere to and worship. What no one wants to admit or acknowledge is that all those holy writings, however inspired or sacred... were written by men... for men... to control men. Man is fallible, man is imperfect, man is corruptible. I adhere to no particular religion and it drives many zealots crazy. All that said, I am open minded enough and know that there is so very much that we don't know or can't explain that I do not entirely discount things like spiritualism and other ancient practices and beliefs that most all churches frown upon at best. Like mysticism, divination, sooth saying, fortune-telling... Crystal balls, reading bones... and of course Tarot cards.

They are all just props really, there is no real magic in these things used for fortune telling and what not. They are just used to give people something to focus on. The real magic, the unexplainable, is the extra sensory perception that some gifted people seem to have. They are able to tap into currents or influences or vibrations that are not readily detected to our common physical sense of sight, sound, taste and touch... or even smell. Even if more often than not those predictions or maybe just the "practitioners" seem to be "fishy." But there are those few... those rare individuals that have some kind of connection... that unexplainable connection with things hidden and not shared with anyone. Tonight, I had sensed that quality in Sarah. I was intrigued, but still uncomfortable at the same time.

Yes, secrets... Painful, heartbreaking secrets... things I had not shared with anyone... how did Sarah tap into that? I have spent years trying to bury those painful parts down deep. I have tried to grow out of the depths of the despair and pain wrought by my past. I thought I was doing pretty well actually. I have been able to find joy and happiness in the hearts and arms of others over the years. Fleeting sometimes, and in small amounts here and there. Love has a way of healing any and all heartaches if given a chance and given time. Still though, with such hurtful memories even the bravest of hearts is and will be hesitant and guarded. That's what I was, that's where I was, at this point in time. Longing for that barely imaginable zenith of joy and happiness of true love, but still mindful of loss of just such love. But always looking.

Sarah's Tarot cards seemed to have pegged me perfectly. More closely even than I think she was even aware of. Well, not the cards really, but HER. Her mind and her gift... But I also sensed that her own mind was clouded and I suspect that any reading she might have been able to make on me, was tainted with whatever was troubling her. I had a feeling I'd be talking about this again with Sarah, probably in the morning after Dave left for work. Sarah was off tomorrow, as was I. She often caught me before I got to bed and either online or on the telephone, she would bend my ear for hours. Yeah buddy, I sensed a phone call coming in the morning.

Not finding anything to keep my attention on TV... all those cable channels and nothing to watch... I turned off the boob tube and made my way to my bedroom. I made a pit stop in my little galley kitchen to refill my glass of iced tea, then another in the bathroom just down the hall to get rid of the tea and the wine that I had drank earlier in the evening. Finally stumbling through my blackout curtains over my bedroom doorway I set my glass of tea on my desk before taking my clothes off to change into sweats and a tee shirt... my pajamas.

Once dressed, I sat down at my desk and powered up my computer. Within minutes I had launched my modem to connect to my favorite bulletin board Night Friends. The warbling tones and white noise heralded the steady tone announcing my connection. My screen scrolled down with those familiar lines of text prompting me to respond.

User:

Frodov

Password:

I typed in my password and hit enter, the screen scrolled down with more text. I had messages waiting from various friends and acquaintances. I typed in a command to see who was online at the moment before deciding to read my messages. There were only a couple of regulars online so I went ahead and read my messages first.

I had a short note from Barbra. She told me that she was missing me and that she was sorry that our schedules had conflicted so much lately. Her training for a new job at her workplace was taking up far too much of her time for her liking. The training would only be for another couple of weeks though and she was looking forward to sharing a little time with me as soon as she could. Perhaps a weekend getaway somewhere? She was asked by her sister Gail to pet sit while they were on a trip that was coming up in a couple of weeks. Pet sitting and house sitting since Barb lived here in Lexington and Gail and her husband lived in Louisville.

I sent back a note to Barb telling her I would be delighted to help her pet sit. We could go to the zoo that weekend and dinner of course... before we "sat the house". Knowing Barb as I did, I know she had plans for entertainment that would make the zoo just a footnote at best.

I also answered a message from my friends Todd and Anne. Todd was lamenting about how much he and Anne missed seeing me after they moved back to Virginia to be closer to his ailing elderly mother. They were after me to make a trip out to see them sometime soon. Todd told me that Anne said she still owed me something special and she fully intended to make good on her promises. I had to sit back and smile at that. I had a slight shiver rush through my body as I had a momentary flash back of an amazing day spent with Anne during an epic snow storm, we had a while back. The petite little brunette was a dynamo that could curl the toes of any man. I know I will never be able to look at snow fall and NOT smile again.

I sent a short message to Todd telling him that I did miss them as well. I didn't know when I would be able to come visit them, but I definitely would be coming to see them sooner or later. I asked that he try to keep up with Anne if he could and to let her know I would honor her request when I could. I asked about the kids and how they were doing with the move and new schools and the like. I knew Todd had lifelong friends there as that's where he grew up, but Anne was lost in a sea of new faces and people. It might be good in some ways for her though. I wished them the best and promised to stay in touch.

Finished with my messages, I dropped into the trivia room to play and chat with some of the regulars online. The conversations were light and varied, the game was predictable but still challenging. It's amazing how much information, yes, trivial information, our brains soak up and retain over our lifetimes. Yeah, but my mind wasn't in the game this evening. My mind kept wandering back to my past and the events that marked my heart and soul. I've always felt that I somehow was able to feel to some extent what others feel emotionally. I never really shared that with others, but the events of earlier this evening and Sarah's reading of my Tarot cards made me wonder if she too might have a touch of this ability.

I had not ever told her or anyone else for that matter much about my past relationships, yet Sarah seemed to sense that chasm of despair that I have fought for so long to climb out of. I wondered if her curiosity was as beastly as my own at times... would she be able to be put off from learning such intimate details about me. I suspected not. I was going to have to open up to her more than anyone else I had to date... well... since those events in my past anyway. Was I really ready to do that... as perchance my cards had shown? The last thing I wanted from Sarah or anyone else for that matter was pity. Lord knows Sarah has been hell bent on trying to fix me up with someone to make me "happy". I've known happy... Happy always has a price. I'm not sure I'm ready to pay that price again.

I made my goodbyes and left the trivia game and was about to log off of Night Friends when I got a private message. Wouldn't you know it... it was from Sarah. Her online nick name still made me giggle after all this time.

Mama Mia: "Jim? Are you okay?" Sarah sent with a hug action.

Frodov: "I'm fine Sarah. Why are you so worried?" I asked

Mama Mia: "I just couldn't shake the feeling that you were hurting after I read your cards earlier..."

Mama Mia: "Oh Jim! I could and still can feel the pain... my heart is breaking and I don't why..."

Frodov: "Sarah, I promise you, I'm fine. I'm not in pain. I'm the same as yesterday..."

Frodov: "... and the day before... the week before... the month before..."

Mama Mia: "Okay! Okay! I get it! Geez Louise! I just care! So, sue me!" Sarah sent.

Frodov: "I appreciate it Sarah, really I do. But I'm fine. It may have taken me a while but..."

Mama Mia: "But?" Sarah queried... I could picture her leaning closer to her monitor waiting.

Frodov: "...Nothing... Nothing I want to get into tonight babe. You need to go to bed and sleep."

Mama Mia: "I couldn't sleep worrying about you."

Frodov: "Well now you know I'm fine so go on back to bed."

Mama Mia: "Okay, Okay..."

Frodov: "And Sarah?"

Mama Mia: "Yes?"

Frodov: "Thanks babe, I know you care... and I... well... just thanks... Goodnight."

Mama Mia: "Goodnight... and you know you can tell me anything, anytime... right?"

Frodov: "Yes MOM!!! Goodnight." I sent with a smile action and a hug as well.

I smiled to myself as I logged off from Night Friends and leaned back in my chair stretching my arms over my head as I yawned. Yeah, it was still early for a night owl like me but what the hell, it was a night off and a little extra sleep never hurts... right? I reached out and turned off my monitor and stood up. I turned, stretching yet again and yawning even bigger this time. I took the three or four steps from my desk to my bed and knee walked over to the middle and just sort of collapsed atop the comforter, doing a face plant into my pillow. I reached out my right hand and turned off my bedside lamp on my bookcase headboard. I think I was pretty much asleep even as I did that though.

I'm not sure if I awoke because of a dream or if it was just my body being out of sync with the time of day. Working nights for so long you tend to adjust to being awake when most are sleeping. So, it was not a great surprise to me when I rolled over and looked at my old-fashioned wind-up alarm clock that the clock face showed it was four in the morning. But I was wide awake now and even if I shut my eyes and tried to go back to sleep that would probably not happen... that and my bladder suddenly grabbed my attention. So, I rolled out of... or rather... OFF my bed and made my way through the black-out curtains over my bedroom doorway to go down the hall... all two steps of it, to the bathroom to relieve the pressure. After washing my hands and ambling into my galley kitchen I opened the fridge for inspiration. Food? Something to drink?

Not feeling much like cooking, and truthfully still quite satiated from dinner earlier... or last night I guess... with Dave and Sarah, I opted for just a can of soda. "A Coke will hit the spot." I thought to myself as a grabbed a can and let the fridge door close. I noticed a bag of pistachio nuts atop the fridge as the door closed so I grabbed those too, then made my way back to my desk in the bedroom and had a seat.

I powered up my computer and then leaned back in the chair and stretched, rolling my neck around and even cracked my knuckles. I knew from past experience that there was likely to be no one else on Night Friends this time of night other than other night owls like myself, but on the off chance someone might be online I went ahead and started to connect. The sound of my modem dialing up and the warbling staticky sound of the connection being made caused me to redirect my attention to my monitor.

User:

Frodov

Password:

I typed in the magic combination of letters and soon my screen was scrolling down with the familiar menu. I typed in the command to see who else was online and was pleasantly surprised to see my friend and fellow night shifter Angelica alone in the trivia room. I dropped into the room and sent her a hug action by way of greeting.

Angelica: "Hi stranger! Do I know you?" She responded with a frown action.

Frodov: "Well if you don't remember me, I can think of a few things we can do to... refresh... your memory!" I sent with a wink action.

Angelica: "I'll bet you can!" She replied with a sigh action.

Frodov: "Off tonight girl?" I asked.

Angelica: "Unfortunately, no. It's been a very boring night too."

Angelica: "I'm not complaining but it is boring when everything runs the way it should."

I smiled knowing that Angelica, real name Susan, worked as an IT specialist at the University. She ruled the night shift but was often alone and like tonight bored out of her mind. We had met online on another local bulletin board and I had told her about Night Friends. Soon she was a regular here and a friendship grew. Oh, it was a very special friendship indeed. The term "friends with benefits" comes to mind and of course I can't help but smile every time I think of her. I've rarely met or known a more adventurous, outgoing, frisky and seemingly constantly horny single gal in all my years. I think Susan elevated Flirting to an art or at very least a sport.

Frodov: "Anything I can do to... help... a girl out?" I sent with an evil grin action.

Angelica: "Now Jim... we've been down this road before. You KNOW I would be game, but unfortunately I can't let anyone into the building after hours... who's not an employee." She reminded me wistfully.

Frodov: "I'm tellin ya... I should get a part time job with the university just so I COULD be let into the building!" I sent with a giggle.

Angelica: "Yeah, you've teased me with that before... asshole!" she responded with a laugh.

Frodov: "Well if I had time I might, but I don't think a part time job would work out well with my hours and schedule at the plant. Sorry." I sent with a pout.

Angelica: "Trivia is not doing it tonight... I'm starting to see questions I've already seen before." Susan lamented.

Frodov: "Well you could hang up and read or something." I offered.

Angelica: "Read what? A book?" she asked with a frown action.

Frodov: "Well... yeah... or you could read something you print out from a file online." I told her.

Angelica: "What files, you have a new story or something?" She said for the first time with a smile action.

Frodov: "Not actually, but I've been tossing around an idea in my head for about a week now. I might just start writing it tonight even. Any requests or ideas?" I asked

Angelica: "I don't know... maybe something with blindfolds or something like that." She sent with a shrug.

Frodov: "Hmmm... Blindfolds sounds interesting." I sent in reply... thinking back to many years ago with an exercise with a couple of very dear teachers of mine. As always, there was a brief pang in my heart but I was still smiling at the memories.

Angelica: "Well do it then! I'm BORED!" she sent with a pout.

Frodov: "You won't get to read it tonight though. Hell, I haven't even written it yet." I sent with a laugh.

Angelica: "Well let me know when you do get it written. Oh damn! I'm getting a call! Finally! Something to do. Gotta go. Bye!" She sent with a wave action and then she was gone.

Sighing, I smiled and went ahead and exited the trivia game and logged off of Night Friends entirely. Sitting back in my desk chair with my elbows on the armrests and my fingers steepled together tapping my chin, I pondered the makings of a new story. Something with blindfolds. Taking a sip of my now almost room temperature can of coke. I grimaced and stood up to go to the kitchen to get something cold.

Opening the fridge again I reached for another can of coke and spied a lonely almost full bottle of rum near the back of the top shelf. Hmmm... Been a while since I had any liquor. I'm not much of a drinker but I do enjoy a little mixed drink now and then. Setting the can on the counter I reached for the bottle and set it next to the can. Next, I opened my cupboard and got out a tall tumbler and opened my freezer and grabbed a few ice cubes. I Put a couple of healthy splashes of the dark rum into the tumbler over the ice... maybe a shot glass worth of alcohol really. Then I opened the can of coke and poured it over the ice in the glass as well. I let the foam and fizz die down then topped the glass off a bit more with the cola. Picking the tumbler up I took an inquisitive sip of my elixir. A little weak but that's okay. I wasn't looking to get drunk really. I picked up the can and my tumbler and walked back to my desk to sit and begin brainstorming a new story.

And so, I began... where I would in the past, pick up a pen and put ink on paper, I now fired up my computer and typed it all in electronically. I sketched out a story of a married couple of undetermined age. They had just returned from some sort of evening out, a formal event perhaps, and were ready to unwind at home. Drinks were served... a fireplace... a rug of some sort... a gorgeous redhead. Yeah! That's the ticket! And of course, a little kink is introduced into the mix by way of a couple of blindfolds.