Being Jim Ch. 09: The Guilty Heart

"I can only hope, right now I'm still beating my head against the wall. UGH!" I lamented pinching the bridge of my nose with my thumb and index finger as if to stave off a headache.

"Patience lover... it'll work out. Now go, before you're late for work Send me email or a message on Night Friends tomorrow morning. I'll be at work but I will get it when I get home. Maybe we can do... dinner... on one of your next nights off..." Barb left the suggestion hanging as she always did, knowing full well that I would jump at the chance to spend time with her.

"Okay babe. Barb?" I queried.

"Yes?" She asked in response.

"I'm glad you're home... and... I love you babe." I said with a smile. I swear I could hear a small gasp on the other end of the line and at least in my mind's eye, I could see Barb smiling that almost bashful flattered smile of hers.

"I love you too, Jim. Now go... before you're late." She said shooing me off the phone.

For the first time in almost two weeks, I left my apartment to go to work with a smile on my face. Oh, I still had troubles in my mind and my heart, but at least a small part of my world was right again. The love and kindness of a friend can put a whole new light on your troubles. Perhaps there's a lesson in that for me as well... how does that apply to my situation with Sarah? Something to think about. Well, I've got twelve long hours tonight and two more nights after that to ponder and consider and think. Maybe something will make sense by my next days off.

As Barbra had suggested, I left her a message on Night Friends the next morning, and we corresponded that way for the next two days as well. Barbra worked during the day when I was sleeping and I at night when she was sleeping. It's not a new situation, just one that we've managed to work around for a couple of years or more now. The morning I got home from my last night of work I had yet another message waiting for me from Barb. She asked that I call her that evening when I got back up from sleeping. She didn't imply a meeting or anything but then we've long been passed making "dates" as it were. I told her would in a responding message in the off chance that she would check her messages when she got home from work. Then I made ready for bed. I was tired... and all the thinking and worrying and fretting over my situation with Sarah had still not been resolved.

There was no game plan really, going forward from three days ago when Sarah had left my apartment after spending the night with me... supposedly for the last time. It still befuddled my brain how something so good so seemingly right could be at the same time so very very wrong! I had promised to try to maintain our close friendship as it was before our... our tryst... but could I do that with the guilt my conscience was laboring me with? Only time would tell.

At some point, late that morning I was awakened by the rat tat tatting of the door knocker on my apartment door. Yeah, it roused me from a dead sleep... eventually anyway, I couldn't be sure how many times the knocker was used before I actually woke up though. I stumbled through the blackout curtain and through my kitchen to the door. Squinting my eyes to be able to see, I looked through the peep hole and saw... It was Sarah, and she looked upset. This could not be good. I sighed heavily steeling myself even as she reached to rattle the knocker yet again. I opened the door just as she started to rap again.

"Hi Sarah." I mumbled halfway intelligibly with sleepy squinted eyes... belying the pounding of my heart and the tingle of the hairs on the back of my neck standing up and dancing.

"Oh Jim! I'm so sorry to bother you! I know you worked last night and were sleeping... but..." Sarah began in a rush almost as if frantic. But there was something else there too, sadness and it was different from the last time she and I saw each other a few days ago. Almost as if by premonition, my stomach churned and I reached out to take her hand and pull her inside the apartment.

"Hey... what's wrong babe?" I asked, suddenly fully awake and my senses in overdrive.

"Dave called this morning... His mom... his mom died in her sleep this morning." Sarah said and looked up at me with her bottom lip trembling and her dark ebony eyes watery and threatening to spill tears any moment.

"Oh no! How is Dave?" I blurted out the question... and kicked myself mentally for such a stupid question. "He's got to be devastated, I'm sure." I mumbled sadly still studying Sarah's saddened face. She nodded and sniffed audibly trying to rein in the tears before they began to flow.

"He asked me to fly up there to be with him. I'm all packed and headed to the airport to catch the flight. Jim? Could you take care of our cats while we are away? Just feed and water them." She asked in a meek voice.

"Of course, I will, and clean the litter box too I'm sure... Don't worry about it." I reassured her. She smiled sadly and reached out with her left hand to place a key in my hand that was holding her right hand.

"Here's the key to the front door. I didn't tell anyone else except my boss that I'd be gone for a while. I'm not sure how long but maybe up to a week or so. I can call you when I know more." Sarah promised.

"Don't worry about it Sarah, just be there for Dave... I know this is going to be hard for him." I told her. She nodded then locked her eyes on mine... and we both knew there was a whole different meaning to those very words I'd just spoken other than simply consoling Dave for the loss of his mother. A meaning that we were not going to discuss but that weighed heavily on both our hearts and consciences. Sarah quaked ever so slightly as she took a sudden deep breath and returned to her mission.

"Thank you, Jim. I'd better be going now, I have a plane to catch... She said as she tore her gaze away from mine and turned to the door as I opened it for her. Stepping out she turned again and looked me in the eyes.

"Really... for everything, Jim... Thank you..." She said as her eyes teared up once more and she turned suddenly and made her way down the flight of stairs to the front door landing of the building and let herself out.

My heart was still racing as I closed my apartment door and locked it. Turning to go back to my bedroom I set the key to Dave and Sarah's duplex on my dining room table... the same spot where I sat Sarah a few days ago as we... Shaking my head to clear those thoughts I went on through the kitchen and across the hall into my bedroom. I flopped onto my bed with my face buried in my pillow. I could only hope that Sarah would not disclose our folly to Dave at this time. He had far too much emotional turmoil to deal with already. I'm sure she was aware of that though. Sarah is a smart girl, and she does love Dave. Sleep eventually reclaimed me.

Something nudged me there in the warm deep depths of my dark womb like slumber. It was an irritating sound that grated on my nerves... not so much in its intensity but in its persistence. What was that sound. It was familiar yet so alien here in the deep dark depths. Persistent indeed... there it goes again... Rat tat tat tat. Rat tat tat tat. Damn it! My consciousness rose nearer and nearer the surface...Rat tat tat tat... Suddenly my eyes were wide open and I was rising from my bed. Someone was knocking at my door. I stumbled through the blackout curtain and through my kitchen and dining room to my door. "Didn't I just do this a little while ago?" my mind was asking as I peered through the peep hole in my door. With a suddenly warm feeling in my heart and lightness in my soul I unlocked and opened my door with a smile on my sleepy face.

"Hi there." Purred Barbra with fire in her eyes and a killer smile on her face.

Not even waiting to be invited in she pressed forward and into me slipping her hands around my sweat pant covered hips pulling herself tight to me even as our lips met. The lavender and vanilla scent of her familiar perfume wafted through my sinuses and across my brain as the lightning and fireworks lit up my nerve endings from head to toe. Oh God! Those lips... Barb pulled back after a moment, still smiling that wanton sexy way she does and giggled at me.

"Maybe you should close the door Jim..." She purred and giggled again before taking a deep breath that I felt all the way through me as it was transmitted through the swelling of her chest and the pressing of her breasts into my own body.

"God, I've missed you..." she sighed as she leaned her head ever so slightly to one side again and let her lips caress my own again.

I don't remember closing the door or locking it or anything else so mundane... only the feel of her lips on mine... the feel of her body pressed to me... the warmth of her arms around me and the desperate way she tried to undress me as we stumbled or I stumbled backwards through my apartment towards my recently vacated bed.

This was not to be a love making session between two people madly in love with one another, but rather a fast and hungry catching up of pleasures of the flesh by two people who've missed one another for too long. Barb wanted or rather needed an itch scratched and she knew just how to get it taken care of... me. No foreplay needed or sought after in this instance, once she had me naked and on my back, she climbed atop of me and impaled herself with a long exasperated sounding sigh. Barb's gorgeous nails dug into the skin of my chest as she settled on... over me... her head tilted back and face pointed to the ceiling as she moaned and began to grind her hips in those so familiar gyrations.

Before long, she was rising and falling in that ancient rhythm as she scratched that desperate itch. Her eyes locked on mine as she watched my every move and thought that played out on my face as she raced ever closer to her growing climax... her mouth now agape as her breathing came in ragged gasps. Those deep brown eyes... the intensity... the need... the fire... she began to emit that low keening growl that I was all too familiar with. I knew she was almost there as I too neared my own finish, this was a shared experience between the two of us. One that we've managed to complete together so many times before. My hips rose now more urgently, meeting her every fall, my hands gripping none too gently at her waist just atop her hips. Bodies slapping and rippling and sweating with effort.

"Yes.... Yes... Yes... Oh... God... Yes... Oh... Jim! Oh... Yessssssssss!" Barb cried out in her ragged gasping voice as she began to shake and quiver in the throes of her climax.

"Oh GOD! BARB..." I managed to exalt before all voluntary movement or control of my mind was given over to biology and my own climax. The tunnel vision spinning down my view to just a small vignette of Barb's sexy snarling grimace before I blacked out completely.

"Welcome back..." Barb purred in my ear as I felt her fingers caressing my other ear with her hand. Her breasts were pressed into my right side and chest, her right leg draped over my thighs just below my crotch. Her breath was still a bit ragged and fast so I knew I hadn't been out too long this time.

"I... should be... welcoming... you... back..." I panted in return, a big goofy grin on my face.

"Oh, but you did, Jim... you definitely did!" Barb sighed and kissed my right cheek and nuzzled into my neck.

"I'm sorry I woke you, well... sort of... I just couldn't wait any longer. As soon as I got off work today, I just drove over here to see you." Barb confessed in the near whispering little girl voice she used whenever she felt a little guilty about anything she'd said or done.

Barbra's statement made me tense a bit I guess but before I could elaborate or even think more about it, I was swept up by my body's freaky curse. My aftershock took me full force before I could even utter a word. Fortunately, Barb was quite familiar with this odd thing my body does by this point, she could predict it as well as I could most times. Subtle things like my body tensing minutes after I had climaxed were obvious harbingers. I spasmed and twitched and convulsed in the throes of my aftershock as I always do. And finally, when it had passed, and I had recovered my senses, she was there waiting for me, patiently, lovingly. More nuzzling of my neck and kisses to my cheek let me know she was aware that I had returned.

"Whew... Wow! Somebody had it bad!" I chuckled as my breathing returned to normal. Barb pinched me in my side making me jump.

"Well, some of us had to go without for a couple of weeks... unlike someone I know." Barb growled playfully in my ear. This time I tensed and Barb knew it wasn't from my aftershock.

"What? Problems Jim?" She asked in a concerned voice and nuzzled my neck while stroking the other side of my face with her delicate fingers.

"I saw her again, today... this morning." I informed Barb. I could feel Barb pause, not quite tense but pause as if taking stock and considering her next words.

"Oh?" she prompted me verbally to go on and elaborate.

"She stopped by to ask me to check on and take care of their cats. She gave me the key to their duplex when I said I would. Sarah was flying out to Jersey to be with Dave. His mother passed away this morning. They might be a week or more settling the estate with his sisters before they both fly back here. It was all I could do to keep my hands to myself this morning Barb. And even doing that I hated myself for it. I know it's not right. I know it's... wrong... but damn it! It hurts in ways I had long forgotten or buried away deep in my memory..." I lamented and fell silent.

"Poor Dave." Barb said softly before pausing a moment and continuing. "What about Sarah? How is she dealing with this?" She asked me.

"I wish I knew for certain one way or another Barb, honestly I do. But I have no clue really. We both agreed that this... this thing... couldn't continue. It wasn't right and it wasn't fair to Dave. She really does love him but now... Fuck! Now I've got her head all screwed up and she has feelings for me..." I groaned, taking a deep frustrated breath.

"Jim... Stop it! Stop this right now! I know you. I know you better than you might even know yourself sometimes and I know you did NOT set out to hurt this girl. You didn't lie to her, you didn't trick her in anyway. What did you do?" She spat out the words ending with the question that I sputtered and began to try to answer, only for Barb to cut me off and continue.

"Nuh uh uh... that was rhetorical... I'll tell you what you did... hell... I suggested it. You gave her your time, you gave her your attention. You made her feel like someone cared and someone saw her as a person, as a woman. You made her feel special and loved. If you had never kissed her, she would have loved you just as deeply. But oh ho ho Noooo... Not my Jim... You just can't help yourself sometimes. She probably hugged you... she was probably emotional and maybe crying... and you slipped up and responded as only you would. And that one kiss was all it took. Her dam broke and you swam through the flood waters like a lifeguard saving the day. Tell me. Did you force yourself on her... in any way at all?" Barb all but snapped at me as she sat up beside me on the bed and held her right hand flat on my bare chest awaiting my answer.

"No. I would never force myself on her... or anyone..." I spoke calmly in a guarded voice as I replayed all of Barb's short rant in my head, word for word. It was all true. But why did it not make me feel any better?

"Barb... I know you care and I know you love me... But still, I fucked up this time." I said evenly as I looked up into those soft brown eyes of hers as she studied my face.

"Everyone makes mistakes, Jim. Even you... Chalk it up to experience, remember it and move on." Barb suggested in a softer more understanding voice. Perhaps speaking from personal experience.

"That's the hard part, isn't it? Moving on. Especially as Sarah wants to be just like we were... before this happened..." I lamented as I placed my right hand atop of Barb's as it still rested on my chest.

"Can I ask you a question?" Barb queried.

"Of course... but wh..." I began only for her to start speaking again.

"If I told you, today, that we were finished... no more sex... ever again... Would you... COULD you still be friends with me?" Barb asked with an almost whispery voice and studied my face with the best poker face I've ever seen on her. Her expressions were giving away nothing, her eyes were steady and relentless as she gazed into my own eyes.

I swallowed involuntarily, I could feel a cold chill running up the back of my neck and my heart actually skipped a beat or two. Of course, Barbra and I have talked about this before, several times. But before today, it never felt as much like a possibility as it did hypothetical. Today however, it felt very very real. Maybe it was all the turmoil in my mind and heart over Sarah that made that thought take that hypothetical leap to possibility. I took a deep deep breath and let it out slowly before I spoke again.

"You already know the answer to that Barb. You were my friend, first and foremost. What's more, you always will be my friend until such a time as you tell me you don't want to be friends anymore. Sure, I would miss the physical... the sex... but you know I love you more than just for your body..." I professed with a steady calm voice even if it cracked a little at the end.

"Oh relax! I'm not suggesting or even considering changing what we have between us. All I was trying to do was to get you to think about Sarah the same way. If you loved her as a friend before this, you can still love her as a friend moving forward. Right?" Barb pushed her hand and rubbed my chest as she unconsciously dipped her head a little as if to prompt me to respond.

"Yeah, I guess I can... I mean..." I sighed heavily. "Of course, I will still love her as a friend. It's just going to be hard to be around both of them knowing I broke Dave's trust and had sex with his wife. What kind of friend is that?" I groaned.

"Just have patience, Jim. You said Sarah would tell him when the time was right... trust in her... give her time." Barb reminded as she lowered herself to lay her arms across my chest and she rested her chin on her forearms.

"How did I get so lucky to have you in my life?" I asked Barb as I looked up into her smiling face and those warm chocolate brown eyes. She winked at me and drew her bottom lip in to bite it softly as she rolled her head a little to one side.

"You know what? I'm hungry. And I am so freaking sick of salads and box lunches... I would kill for a nice thick steak! Why don't we get up and take a quick shower then you can take me somewhere to eat... preferably somewhere they serve good steaks." Barb gave me one of those coquettish little eyebrow wiggles and tilted her head to the other side before pushing up to a sitting position framing her gorgeous breasts between her arms.

"I think I can do that... I kind of wish we had a little more time though..." I said as I ran my right hand up from her hand that was on the bed beside me to her elbow.

"Hold that thought lover, I'm not done with you yet today, feed me first then... feed me again... later." Barb dangled the innuendo as bait that she knew I would go for.

We both rolled out of the bed and made our way to the bathroom. I stepped past Barb as I opened the shower doors and turned the water on. Barb took a seat on the toilet and... dribbled and peed. Stepping back to the Vanity I collected a little bottle of her Massengill and handed it to her. I was rewarded with a knowing smile as she assembled the nozzle and made use of the thing. I was already in the shower when she stepped in and joined me. Her long dark red hair was twisted into a rope and wound into a knot atop of her head. Two oversized bobby pins held it all in place.