Being Jim Ch. 09: The Guilty Heart

After a brief but very passionate kiss, we lathered one another with soap and then rinsed off. There were of course, the obligatory fondling and caresses as lovers are want to do. Kissing as well, never get enough kissing. We did stop though. I turned off the water and Barb stepped out of the shower grabbing a towel off the rack. I stepped out behind her and grabbed another towel. I finished drying and applied a little deodorant before following Barb to the bedroom and started getting dressed. As I was in sweatpants and a tee shirt earlier, I got my clothes out of my dresser. Barb on the other hand, had to pick hers up off the floor from the bedroom to the front door.

With both of us dressed, I grabbed my keys and wallet and opened the door for Barb. She rode with me in my car to a family style steak house. Fortunately, we were a bit early for the usual dinner rush, so service was both fast and very attentive. The food was excellent as well. As we ate, Barb regaled me with anecdotes from her weeks long training that she had to travel for. I learned of her roommate who ended up hooking up with another participant and spent the last two weeks in his room every night, leaving Barb the whole room to herself. She mentioned that it would have been wonderful if I had been there with her.

I couldn't argue with her thinking on that but we didn't explore that line of thinking any further, rather, Barb wanted more details on my affair with Sarah. Not so much the sexual antics that we had gotten ourselves into but the things leading up to that point and the conversations afterwards. I recounted the idea that I had after speaking with Barb herself some weeks ago. Barb nodded knowingly at my recalling that she herself had admonished me and suggested that I give of myself to Sarah, my time, my attention... my kindness.

The recounting of showing up where Sarah worked and asking about wine, telling her it was for a date I had that evening, in particular was found to be quite humorous to Barbra. The look in her eyes as she listened to my story was one of warm endearment and adoration... maybe with just a hint of pride. She laughed when I told her of my choice of eateries for Sarah and I that night. Barb herself had spent many an evening at the Ho in her younger years. The choice of movie was begrudgingly approved as that was definitely a chic flick and very suggestive emotionally. The night cap of a Hot Fudge cake at Jerry's was applauded at first but when I spoke of running into my old friends, and learning that one of them knew Sarah was we both had to wonder at the chances were of that ever happening.

It was when I detailed dropping Sarah off at her car, and following her home to her duplex that Barb sat forward in her seat and paid particularly close attention. I spoke of how I watched Sarah walk to her to her door and let herself in. Then as I was about to drive off, I remembered the wine still in my backseat floorboard. I turned my car off and got out and took the wine to her door. And then how Sarah broke down in tears telling me about the wonderful time she had had that evening and how she didn't feel like she deserved the attention...the crying the hugging then finally the kiss. Barb sat back with a satisfied look on her face as all the things she had predicted and said had indeed come to pass.

Barb studied me with that one raised eyebrow as if to say "I told you so..." but she didn't actually say it. That lone eyebrow also asked the question, in my mind anyway, of what are you going to do now smart guy? We had already been over this before though so there was no sense rehashing what we had both said again. Instead, I sagged visibly, bowing my head and sighing resignedly but not in defeat. Straightening back up in my seat I gave Barb a sheepish grin and shrugged my shoulders. My forearms held parallel to the table top palms up in supplication for a moment before coming together in front of me to be clasped as one while I studied them intently for a moment before looking back up into her warm eyes and speaking.

"Okay, so I let Sarah take the lead on this moving forward. We did what we did and there's no taking it back. It's over now but like you pointed out, we were friends and we still are friends, she deserves for me to behave accordingly and be the best friend I can. My guilty conscience will be my penance for what I did." I offered in a humble voice. Barb smiled warmly at me and pursed her lips briefly and blew me a kiss across the table before reaching out and taking my hands in hers. She lowered her head slightly affecting that smoky wanton look she does when she is randy as a rabbit. Her soft brown eyes looking up slightly at me through her lashes and that slightly smirking closed lip half smile.

"I knew you would figure it out Jim, you are just... you... Most guys have to have a picture drawn for them, but your heart just does it naturally. Now... take me back to your place and let's work on catching up a little more. Maybe you can have some desert?" Barb purred seductively.

I paid our bill and we drove straight back to my apartment. It's a wonder I didn't have a wreck on the way though as Barb was facetiously teasing me the entire trip. Her left hand toying with my crotch making me squirm and groan. When I finally closed my door behind us, I took her in my arms and did my best to steal her breath away with a heated and frenzied passionate kiss. She gave as good as she took though and we both ended up breathless in moments.

"Desert?" I asked when we pulled apart to breathe.

"My pleasure!" Barb purred as she took my hand and lead me to my own bedroom.

"Well, I'm glad you like it too, but I thought it was my pleasure." I admitted even as Barb pulled me along by my hand.

For the next two hours Barb and I enjoyed one another's company as we always did. The time apart only added to the pleasure of our reunion. Maybe it was the balm I needed to ease my troubled mind, something so familiar and enjoyable... and safe. The sex between Barb and I had always been amazing to say the least but it went far beyond the simple physical pleasures. We were close, closer than lovers really. Confidants and sounding boards, a warm dry shoulder when needed, in short, true friends. I knew Barb would always have my best interests in mind and certainly I had her best interests in mind. I would do anything for her, and I had a feeling that she would do the same for me.

Later in the evening, after our lusts had been at least temporarily sated, we lay talking and simply enjoying one another's company. We talked about some of our friends, ones that had adopted me into their circle after Barb had introduced me to them. There was word that we might be having a cabin retreat in a few weeks. One of the girl's parents owned a small vacation home in the woods near a national park. It wasn't truly a cabin but that's what it was called all the same. It would be a drunken party pretty much the whole weekend, to one extent or another anyway. Besides sharing a room with Barb, I knew that I was considered a bit of a balancing element to these parties. I didn't drink enough to get drunk so I was level headed and moderated the outrageousness of some of the others. I didn't mind, it was always fun to be around that group. Especially with Barb.

As always, there came the time that Barb needed to head home. I of course said she was welcome to spend the night with me. Honestly, though she did want to stay, she still had to go to work the next morning and she had obligations at home, feeding her dogs and what not. I knew that, I even offered to come with her and spend the night at her place, but that was shot down with a laugh. Smiling at me as she finished redressing for the second time today, she sat on the edge of my bed and stroked the side of my face with her right hand.

"Jim, you and I both know that if you came home with me, I would not get a minutes sleep all night." She said with a bit of a smirk on her face and then leaned over to kiss me.

"You're probably right. Oh well, I tried..." I said with a smile as I sat up and reached for a pair of sweat pants to wear to the door.

At the door we shared another long embrace and a kiss that was tender and sweet. One of those that spoke of thanks and was full of promise for more to come later. The endearing look in Barb's soft brown eyes made my heart swell just knowing that we had a very special connection. It was so very close to love that I had known twice in my life, yet different in that while this was not exclusive, it was unconditional. "Maybe this is all I really need..." I thought to myself for the thousandth time, as Barb stepped out of my door and headed down the stairs to the front door of my building. I closed my door and rested my forehead on the door with my eyes closed. Love is a complicated thing.

The next two days were spent just tending to a myriad of trivial things, running errands, laundry, groceries, paying bills, playing on the computer or just watching TV. Oh, and thinking... yeah... lots of thinking. I did stop by Dave and Sarah's duplex and tend to the kitties of course. I filled their food dispenser and their water, I cleaned the litter box. Wow, two cats can really make a lot of... cleaning. I realized that I would have to stop by on my way home from work the coming cycle, at least every other day anyway. I hadn't heard anything from Sarah or Dave, but I figured they both had a lot on their minds yet so I wasn't concerned.

It was five days later before I did hear from them. I had just rolled out of bed in the afternoon after woke up my normal time. My phone rang as I was heading to the bathroom so I stepped back into the kitchen and picked it up.

"Hello" I spoke.

"Jim, did I wake you?" Dave asked in a friendly voice.

"Dave, oh, no man, I was awake already. How are you doing buddy?" I asked as I turned and leaned back against the kitchen counter crossing my feet.

"Well, you know, as well as can be expected, I guess. It's been a hard couple of weeks, I won't lie." Dave responded a little subdued.

"I'm sorry man, it's got to be hard to deal with all that at once, even if you knew it was coming." I told him sincerely.

"I appreciate that, Jim. And I appreciate you helping out so much with Sarah and now taking care of the fur babies." He told me in a lighter voice.

"Speaking of Sarah, how's she doing Dave? She seemed very upset the day she flew out." I asked warily.

"Yeah, I think she worried about me far too much. She's good, she decided to visit some of her family and some friends while she was up here, before we come home.

"Good, it'll be good for her to touch base with them. She seemed so lonely here, so far away from all of them." I spoke and then almost regretted it thinking I had said too much.

"So, you noticed that too huh?" Dave asked in a curious tone.

"She told me about your "date" Jim, I can't thank you enough for that. It was just what she needed." Dave told me again.

"Honestly, I didn't think it was all that special Dave. I mean it was just dinner and a movie and then some hot fudge cake on the way home." I said dismissively as if anyone would have done the same.

"Oh, you can think that if you want, Jim, but in her eyes, it was far more special than that. You showered her with attention and made her feel special. Like I said, I can't thank you enough for that.

"Well, I'm glad she was happy." I admitted.

"Listen, Jim, I've got a few more documents to get squared away with the lawyer types. And I have to get some repairs to mom's house scheduled with some local contractors before we can list it for sale, but we should be flying home in a few days. Maybe we can all get together for dinner after we get back. Maybe grill some steaks or some pork chops or something." Dave told me in a light hearted voice. I couldn't help but to think that Sarah had not dropped the bomb on him yet. I took a deep mental breath.

"That'd be great, Dave. Sure. As long as Sarah doesn't try to fix me up with someone." I replied with a laughing voice. Dave chuckled on his end of the phone as well.

We ended the phone call with promises to catch up when he and Sarah got home. I hung up the phone and dragged both hands over my face and groaned. Yeah, this was going to be hard to deal with for me anyway. Let it go... let it go... I stumbled on to the bathroom to begin my day.

It ended up being a little over a week before Dave and Sarah flew back to Kentucky. I had just got home myself from work when I got a call from Sarah. She was using a payphone at the airport while Dave collected their luggage. It was a brief conversation. She told me that I didn't have to check on the cats now that they were home. Thanks for that, again. She also told me that she had not spoken with Dave about us yet. She pleaded with me to let her do it, to give her time. I agreed of course. Sarah told me she or Dave would call later in the day. I told her I would look forward to hearing from them. And with that, the call ended. I hung up and shook my head as I headed to my bedroom to undress before I had a shower and got ready for bed.

It was around four that afternoon when I did get that call. It ended up being a short call though as I was on my way out the door to go to work. My third night of three. I told Dave I'd be off the next three days and we could catch up sometime then. Dave said that'd be great, and told me to call when I got up tomorrow. So, with a troubled mind I went off to work that night, knowing that my first test was going to be sooner rather than later. It made for a long night at work.

When I got home the next morning, after a shower and shave, I sent a brief email to Barbra letting her know about Dave and Sarah being home and that I would likely be going to have dinner with them at least one of the next three nights. I of course encouraged her to call me all the same, even though I already knew she would bow out of this situation, or at least step back and let me deal with it on my own. I knew she meant well. With that thought in my head I laid down to sleep.

Later that afternoon, when I got up for the day, I called Dave and Sarah. I was invited over for dinner, in thanks for taking care of their cats while Sarah was with Dave in New Jersey for the funeral of Dave's mother. I really didn't need to be thanked for that but I played along all the same. Of course, it was an opportunity to return their key as well. Oh shit, the key! I had to get back out of my car and go back to my apartment to collect the key that I had forgotten to put in my pocket. Yeah, my mind is wandering. Fortunately, it was a short drive to Dave and Sarah's house.

"Hello!" I sang out at the open front door as I knocked on the screened storm door.

"Hi Honey! Come on in, it's unlocked." Sarah called out from the kitchen, the window over the sink being to the right of the duplex's front door.

I let myself in and was standing in the doorway from the kitchen to the living room as Dave came through the sliding glass door from the deck carrying a platter with what looked like grilled chicken wings. Sarah was standing at the stove with her back to me, stirring something in a sauce pot. Her light blue sun dress looking particularly nice on her frame, the hemline just above the back of her knees. The strappy sandals were a nice touch as she seemed to be swaying to some unheard music, her hips swaying gently and her feet lifting and shifting alternately as she did a bit of a two step.

Dave paused next to Sarah to lean over and kiss the back of her neck at her right shoulder as he carried the chicken wings to the counter. Sarah moaned softly before glancing at him affectionately. Dave smiled at me and winked as he sat the platter on the counter and opened the fridge to pull out a bottle of beer for himself. He eyed me silently asking if I wanted one, and held up a wine cooler that he knew I liked. I nodded and he closed the fridge and stepped over and handed me the bottle.

"No surprises or blind dates tonight, Jim, she's behaving." Dave said in a mock conspiratorial whisper... loud enough for Sarah to hear. She looked over her shoulder at us with one eyebrow raised questioningly as if to say "Don't start." Dave and I both chuckled and clinked bottles in a toast.

"I told you Jim and I talked about that, he made me promise to not try to fix him up anymore." Sarah lamented as she turned back to her stove and whatever she was preparing.

"Anything I can do to help?" I asked, feeling kind of useless just standing there watching.

"No, it's under control, why don't you just have a seat and get comfy, it won't be much longer." Sarah spoke as she reached for another spoon and stirred another pot.

"Okay." I said as I followed Dave to the living room. He plopped down in his recliner and reached for the cable remote. I sat on one end of the sofa, closest to the kitchen doorway.

Ever the sports fan, Dave pulled up a baseball game and settled in. I thought maybe this would be okay after all, so far everything seemed to be like it was... before... but there was a small nagging little voice in the back of my mind that was telling me not to get too comfortable just yet. Still though, the smells coming from the kitchen were at war with the butterflies in my stomach. I may have mentioned it a time or two before, but Sarah was a phenomenal cook. I already knew there was grilled chicken wings on the menu but little else. I could smell tomatoes and peppers, and the distinct aroma of freshly baked bread just topped it all off. My stomach chose that moment to growl, and very loudly I might add.

"Jim? You okay there, bud?" Dave asked laughingly from his semi reclined spot across the room as he paused just before taking another pull from his beer.

"Oh, my god! Sarah is killing me with whatever it is she's cooking." I lamented and raised my own drink in a silent toast across the room.

"I heard my name... you two talking about me behind my back?" Sarah asked from the doorway to the kitchen as she toweled her hands dry.

That's when my stomach spoke up for the second time in minutes with another loud growl. All I could do was blush and grin sheepishly as I toasted her with my bottle. Sarah smiled, locking eyes with mine for maybe just a moment longer than needed before turning back to the kitchen to finish her preparations. Looking up at Dave, I saw him smile warmly and he winked at me before returning his attention to the game on the TV. Yeah, the war in my stomach redoubled. Taking a deep breath, I then took a long pull from my wine cooler.

It might have been ten or fifteen minutes later before Sarah called to us to come and get it. She had three places set at their kitchen table. The platter of grille chicken wings in the middle. There was a bread bowl on each plate filled or half-filled anyway with white and wild rice and ladled full of a stew of sorts. The stew was roasted tomatoes and mixed peppers with bite sized pieces of asparagus. And Oh my God was it good! The sliced tomatoes and mozzarella cheese plate was just enough counterpoint to make this a meal to remember indeed.

Dave and I both raved about the meal to Sarah who in turn ate up all the attention and smiled so much it looked like it might actually hurt. When all the wings were picked to the bones, when the stew was eaten and the bread bowls picked apart and mostly eaten as well... when we all sat back and groaned from gorging ourselves, we couldn't help but to smile at one another. I offered to help clean up but I was shushed and ushered into the living room with a fresh wine cooler in hand. Dave actually jumped in and helped Sarah clean up after the meal.

After drinking half my cooler, I still hadn't seen Dave return to watching his game on TV so I got up and walked to the kitchen doorway. I paused as I stood in the doorway watching him rubbing up against Sarah at the sink, nuzzling her neck and kissing it even as he dried one of the dishes she had just washed and rinsed. Sarah, was in heaven I think as she leaned into the kiss and murmured something sweet in return before giggling. Feeling warmed and relieved I stepped back quietly into the living room and resumed my seat on the sofa, even putting my feet up on the coffee table. I lifted a silent toast to Dave and Sarah and wished them all the happiness they could find.