Being Jim Ch. 09: The Guilty Heart

It wasn't long after that when Dave strolled back into the living room with a smile on his face. He was literally beaming, as he took his seat in his recliner. Sarah came out of the kitchen a few minutes later carrying a glass of white wine and sat at the other end of the sofa from me.

"I know I said it already, Sarah, but that was a fantastic dinner, thank you both for inviting me over to share." I said smiling at her.

"Well, we owed you for looking after the cats and... and for looking after my girl while I was away." Dave said raising his beer in another toast. I smiled but there was another pang to my conscience...

"You have always been one of our best friends, Jim. We just want to make sure you know you are appreciated." Sarah echoed from my right, smiling but not holding eye contact with me.

The look told me more than her words did. My own words to Barb about this subject played back like a sound track in my mind as I held my tongue. We sat in the living room half watching the ball game, but mostly talking about recent events with Dave's family. He told me of how the estate was now being gone over by the lawyers and the will had been read so everything was being settled between him and his other siblings. No one wanted the house so it was being put up for sale and the proceeds were to be split amongst the siblings. A lot of what Dave said just seemed to go in one ear and out the other however, I must have put on a game face though as he kept on talking.

Sarah came to the rescue after a while, she broke in during a lull in Dave's recounting to tell me about her visit home to her own family for a day or so. Mostly it seemed to have been a happy occurrence but I detected some sadness there as well. I didn't press her for it but it was definitely there. Maybe it was our newer closeness after having been so intimate that I was able to pick up on her despair, I may never know for certain.

Eventually, after a couple more bottles of wine coolers and a lot of talking and reminiscing the night wound down. I had to excuse myself to head home. While I was off the next two nights, Dave and Sarah still had to work. I thanked them both again for the wonderful dinner and the evening together. They of course thanked me again for all that I had done for them over the past month or so. I got a handshake from Dave and was heading out the door when Sarah stopped me.

With no small amount of trepidation, I turned to see her intense dark brown eyes gleaming up into mine. With the porch light above and behind her and Dave standing in the doorway, also behind her, Sarah let her face slip slightly, the friendly smile melted into one that trembled and looked pained if not saddened somewhat. Her eyes shining and wet begged me to understand. They radiated love and... well... love. She laughingly admonished me for trying to sneak off without a hug and she wrapped her arms around me to hug fiercely.

At first, I stood there mute and still as if afraid to return the hug. It was the pinch to my back that spurred me on to wrap my own arms about Sarah and return the hug. Jokingly I made sure to say loud enough that I was thankful that she had not tried to fix me up with someone tonight. The convulsive gasp sounded surprisingly a lot like a muted laugh. Sarah leaned back in my arms and looked up at me shaking her head in resignation.

"You made me promise not to, so I'm just keeping my word." Sarah spoke with a choking laughter then leaned in for another hug. While her head was by my ear she whispered quietly.

"I will always love you, thank you, Jim. Thank you so much. I'm so happy you are in my life." Then she pulled back and spoke again with a teasing lilt to her voice.

"I do have your address and your phone number you know, I don't have to lure you here to fix you up... I could just as easily send the girls to your apartment directly." She smirked and stuck out her tongue at me and backed up to the doorway and Dave wrapped his arm around her shoulder affectionately.

Feigning mock horror... not too far from the truth really... I looked at Sarah and then to Dave. My eyes wide and my mouth open as if in shock. I held my hands up as if in surrender to ward off the implied threat Sarah had just made. Dave laughed out loud and said good night as I waved and turned to walk to my car smiling.

So, I survived the first reunion after the fire. And yes, fire is probably the appropriate word for the affair that I had had with Sarah. It was not something that either one of us had planned on or even anticipated, it just sort of blew up in our faces. The conditions were right for it, I know now looking back, but then hindsight always is closer to 20/20 than current vision or understanding. I had unwittingly played right into that situation, adding more and more fuel to the fire that would combust between us.

What we shared was short-lived and we both knew it should end, and end it did. Living with the consequences though is the hard part. My guilty conscience was continuing to make me miserable even as I gave into Sarah's pleas to let her be the one to tell Dave. I felt awful about what I had done if for only two reasons, one that it put Sarah in this position to start with and, two, that I had wronged Dave, my friend. I feared that Dave would be hurt, but feared even more that he would blame Sarah and take it out on her or simply leave her. That would be worse. And so, the guilty conscience.

I didn't hear from Dave or Sarah for the rest of that week, and all the next week. I hoped it was because they were both just so busy with work and not at odds or dealing with the consequences of the affair between Sarah and I. Barb had been busy with work and family as well. She had traveled to Louisville with her son and his fiancé to visit Barbra's sister Gail and her husband. Seems everyone was busy doing other things. So, I just kept my head down and tried to distract myself with writing, and playing games on the computer. That and working of course.

It was the morning following my second work night of three that I got a call from Sarah. While I was very glad to hear her voice, I also was very anxious as to what this call might portend. I had just got out of the shower and was toweling myself dry when the phone in the kitchen rang. I made the few strides to the doorway and reached for the phone and answered.

"Hello?" I spoke into the hand piece.

"Jim? Did I wake you up?" Sarah asked a little hesitantly. The very sound of her voice made me think that she was not just speaking to me.

"Hi Sarah. No, I just got out of the shower, I've not gone to bed yet. What's up?" I asked... I wanted to ask so much more but I held my tongue.

"If I've got your schedule right, you work again tonight, right?" Sarah asked... again leaving something unspoken.

"Yeah, one more night of drudgery at the plant then I get three off. Sarah? Is everything alright? Your car working okay?" I asked

"Oh! No, the car is fine, hasn't missed a lick since you took me to Midas a while back. Thanks for that again. What I was calling about was to see if you were going to the get together with Night Friends tomorrow night. They're meeting at the Italian restaurant down the street from the pharmacy I work at." She informed me with a stilted conversational voice... still leading me to think there was something else she was trying to tell me.

"Oh crap! I had forgotten all about it actually. Good thing it's tomorrow night, that way I can attend. Yeah, I'll be there. Are you and Dave going?" I inquired at the end.

"Dave said he does want to go, but he says the food probably won't be as good as what I cook." Sarah said laughingly.

"Well, I'll have to agree with Dave on that call. Still though, it'll be nice to see everyone." I admitted.

"Dave wanted to know if you might like to come over either the next day or the day after for a cookout... and he told me to tell you that I was not setting you up for a blind date." Sarah said with a bit of exasperation in her voice. It was then I knew why she sounded stilted on the phone, she was not alone in the room.

"Sure, we can talk about it tomorrow evening... and Sarah... thanks... for everything." I said sincerely, knowing that she would understand my meaning as much as my words.

"Okay then, I'll let you get on to bed. I have to get to work too. Dave is going to drop me off at the pharmacy. We'll talk to you later or see you tomorrow. Bye Jim." Sarah told me with a much lighter sounding voice.

I hung up the phone then leaned over and rested my forehead against the kitchen wall. I slowly lifted and tapped my head against the wall several times as if I thought that might drive some sense into my brain. Taking a deep breath, I stood up straight and went into my bedroom and dressed for sleep. I took a few minutes to turn on my computer and log onto Night Friends. I checked my messages and then read the notices and comments about the get together planned for tomorrow evening. I fired off an RSVP. I sent Barbra a message asking her if she were actually going to attend this time. I knew that she probably wouldn't but I was ever hopeful all the same. All that done, I signed off and shut down my computer then crawled into or rather onto my bed and was asleep in no time.

My last work night of three seemed to stretch on and on and on. It was probably because my mind was racing with so many thoughts and considerations. A guilty conscience certainly didn't help matters much either. When I finally got home the next morning, I had a pounding head ache. I had a quick shave and shower then fixed myself something to eat. I sat at my computer as I ate and connected to Night Friends. I had a return message from Barbra telling me that she wouldn't be able to attend the get together this evening but had hoped to see me one of my three days off, so either tomorrow or the next day. She said she would get a hold of me sometime. I had several other messages from various friends saying they would see me tonight.

Time to sleep, if I could. I turned off my computer and crawled into bed. Surprisingly I did sleep and I fell asleep pretty quickly. I dreamt though, so it turned out to be a not very restful sleep. I was stuck in some sort of loop where a scene kept playing out over and over again. I had been confronted by Dave... a very disappointed and angry Dave. Sarah had told him about our brief affair and he had come to question me about it. He cornered me at the Italian restaurant where we had gathered for the Night Friends get together. There was a lot of shouting and finger pointing and red faces. I felt absolutely awful. And then I woke up.

I rolled over and looked up at my ceiling. I didn't actually see the ceiling of course, my mind was elsewhere. Replaying that dream over and over. Was it foreboding? Part of me was ready to get this off my chest, but part of me was fearful for how it would fall out on Sarah. Part of me was telling myself to suck it up and deal with it. So, I rolled out of bed and tried to busy myself. I bathed and dressed, I sat and watched some cable TV for a while. I got online and logged onto Night Friends for a while. All too soon it was time to head off to join everyone at the restaurant for the get together. Funny though, I didn't feel much like eating. Maybe a glass or two of wine would help calm my nerves.

It was great seeing so many of my friends in person for a change. It really had been far too long since our last get together. People paired off or congregated in small groups and caught up. Dave and Sarah showed up finally. I saw them before they saw me. Curiously Sarah and Dave were arm in arm and they both seemed relaxed and happy even. Sarah was practically glowing. It made my heart leap with happiness seeing her happy. Dave spotted me after a moment or two and they joined me and a couple of others at a table.

No red faces, no pointing fingers, no angry words... only smiles and... happiness. Even when Sarah locked eyes with me furtively from time to time, there was nothing but happiness... well... mostly happiness in her eyes. Happiness and, maybe some gratitude? Everyone ordered their dinners and the banter and talk flowed freely. All in all, everyone had a great time. By the time everyone started breaking up to go home I was quite relaxed, or at least as much as my guilty conscience would allow anyway.

Dave and Sarah had again invited me over for dinner the next night or the night after that. We settled on the next night. I had to do some laundry and grocery shopping but I would be done by dinner time. I asked if I needed to bring anything and was told that I didn't need to worry about it... well... besides my appetite anyway. Sarah gave me a big hug as we parted ways. The hug may have lingered just a bit longer than normal but it didn't raise any questions I suppose. But why was my heart racing when she turned to walk away with Dave? With a heavy sigh I turned myself and headed to my own car.

At home later, I sat at my desk and tried to write on the latest story I was working on. After several false starts I gave that up and went to my living room and turned on the cable TV. Again, my mind wandered and nothing really held my attention. When I woke up around two in the morning sprawled on my sofa, I decided I'd just go on to bed. Again with the dreams. It's funny how one's brain can torture yourself.

I awoke to the sound of my phone ringing sometime the next morning. I wasn't exactly sure what time it was till I stumbled to the kitchen to answer the phone. The little digital clock on my microwave informed me that it was just after nine in the morning.

"Hello?" I queried into the handset.

"Hi there." Barbra's voice purred through the phone line.

"Hi babe." I returned nearly swooning with relief.

"I woke you up, didn't I?" She asked with a touch of amusement in her dusky voice.

"Yes. Yes, you did, but I will not complain about that, ever!" I said meaning every word of it.

"Well, I just wanted to touch base with you before I got wrapped up in everything today. I was hoping that we could spend some time together tomorrow... if you're not busy." Barbra spoke with a bit of hopefulness in her voice.

"Busy today?" I asked smiling as much with my voice as I was with my face.

"Yeah, it's getting down to the wire with the wedding plans and preparations. My son and his fiancé and everyone else are being whipped into shape by her mother. You know she's an actual wedding planner, right?" Barbra asked and sighed

"No. I don't think you ever told me that before. Shouldn't that make things go a little more smoothly?" I asked.

"Well, it would I guess if they didn't all have to be to her liking. It's her way or no way it seems. UGH!" Barb lamented.

"Would you rather be doing the work yourself?" I asked jokingly.

"Bite your tongue!" Barb snapped and then laughed.

"No. I will let the bride's mom run the show... It just gets a little tedious sometimes. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you and I can't wait to see you again." Barbra said with a touch of longing in her voice.

"I've missed you too..." I returned with my heart beating a little faster in my chest.

"How goes...your... situation with Sarah?" Barbra asked hesitantly.

"No changes so far, I think. I saw them both last night at the get together, they seemed... happy." I admitted guardedly.

"So, you think she's not told him yet?" Barbra cut right to the chase with that question.

"I honestly don't know, Barb. If she has than it is encouraging that they seem so happy. But I have to wonder." I told her.

"Well, I hope it all works out for the best." Barbra professed.

"I'm having dinner with them tonight... my gut is still in knots. Barb this stuff is killing me." I lamented again.

"Give it time Jim, give it time. I know you will do the right thing, whatever that turns out to be." Barb reassured me.

"I hope so... I really hope so." I said doubtfully.

"Well, I have to run. I love you, Jim. See you tomorrow lover." Barbra purred through the phone again before she ended the call.

With a wistful sigh I hung up the phone. Noting the time again I decided that I should sleep a bit more yet so I went back to my bedroom and crawled back into bed. I was asleep again in minutes.

Fast forward a few hours and I was awakened again, this time from the normal if aggravating sounds of every day apartment living. Someone slamming a door upstairs and then heavy footfalls tromping down the stairs to the front door of the building. Traffic in the parking lot outside, a distant wail of a siren... fire truck maybe? Groaning I rolled over and sat up on the edge of my bed. Yeah, it was almost time to get ready to go to Dave and Sarah's house.

I arrived to find Dave and Sarah's car not in the driveway. The front door was open so I knew someone was home, but who I wondered. With butterflies in my stomach, I got out of my car and walked to the front door as I had so many times in the past. Why did it feel so different this time? Oh yeah, my guilty conscience... that's why. I knocked on the storm door and heard Dave shout from the kitchen to come on in.

I walked to the kitchen and saw the sliding glass door to the deck was open. When I looked out the door, I saw Dave lighting the grill. He looked up at me and smiled as he set aside the starter fluid and his lighter. Brushing his hands off, he picked up his bottle of beer and walked back towards the sliding glass door.

"Sarah called a few minutes ago, she's going to be another hour before she gets home. One of the girls got sick and she's covering for her. She felt like she owed everyone else for allowing her to be off recently." Dave informed me then drained the last of his beer from the bottle and dropped it into the garbage can.

"That was nice of her." I responded, still a little distracted as I battled with the forces in my head and heart.

"You okay Jim? You seem a little off or something." Dave asked giving me a concerned look. Well, it might have been a benignly concerned look but in my state of mind it looked like a suspicious leer. And the butterflies churned...

Hanging my head, I swallowed a lump in my throat and I felt a spike in my heart as something in me snapped. I took a long deep breath and slowly brought my eyes up to meet Dave's. I guess he saw something in my face as he turned his face slightly to one side affecting a sidelong glance.

"Let's go in the dining room and have a drink... something a little stronger than beer or a wine cooler, I think. You drink rum, I know but how about a good Rye Whiskey?" Dave guided me with an open hand through the doorway into the dining room.

I stepped into the dining room and stood behind one of the chairs, my hands resting atop the backrest as Dave grabbed a couple of high ball glasses and splashed some Rye in both. He turned to me and reached across from the other side of the table and handed me a glass. Raising his own glass to clink mine he spoke.

"To whatever troubles you." He said plainly and then raised his glass to his lips and took a sip. The grimace and his smacking lips and the shake of his head forewarned me that the drink was strong.

"To righting wrongs and making amends." I spoke softly, barely a whisper really. Raising my own glass, I too took a sip of the Rye and swallowed. It burned all the way down and set my teeth on edge. Oddly it actually felt almost good in comparison to the knots my stomach was in.

"You know you can talk to Sarah and I... about anything... right?" Dave asked as he swirled the remaining spirits in his glass.

"That's good, Dave, because I have something that's been eating at me that I need to talk to you about." I said with a grimace. I pulled out the chair from the table and sat down. I sat my glass on the table and folded my hands in my lap as I gathered my thoughts... or my courage.