Blind Date Ch. 02: Blake's Story

"I needed it too. Thank you, Blake. I had an amazing time. Look me up if you're ever back in the bay area." He was nice until the very last second. I walked him to the door and hugged him goodbye.

After he left I felt numb. Within seconds I was crying uncontrollably. I decided to shower and try to get some sleep. I cried during the whole shower.

In the dark, I lay awake thinking about a million things. I loved and missed Glenn but I didn't want to be alone. I'd just had the best sex of my life and I felt so relieved. It was a strange mix of emotions. I finally fell asleep at some point.

I flew home on Sunday morning, my head higher in the clouds then my plane. The late April weather in Chicago was as crazy as I'd grown to expect. It was sunny when I landed and it felt like it might snow by the time I made it home, less than an hour north of the airport.

I was glad to get back to work and my regimented military life. For a time. But it didn't last. I felt like it was time to change. I was scared and excited. I called my mom to talk about it.

"My baby!" She screamed into the phone upon answering.

"Hey, Mom, how are you?"

"I'm fine. How are you? How was that wedding in California? I haven't gotten to talk to you since then."

"I'm alright, back to being busy at work and still looking for a house. The wedding was good. I left a little early, but otherwise I did alright."

"That's good, sweetheart. You sound different. Did you have sex?"

"What the hell, Mom? Geez." She could be so creepy sometimes.

"That's not an answer, Blake. Tell me what happened."

"Mom, I love you but I'm still not telling you about my sex life."

"I don't want details, smartass. Did you meet someone? Tell me what happened and you know what I mean."

"I met a nice guy in California and we hung out. I came home the next day. That's all that happened."

"I'm happy for you, sweetie. Is he military?"

"No, he's a hairdresser and he manages a salon. I'm never going to see him again though, so it doesn't matter."

"Okay, fine. Do you feel better?" Or guilty? She didn't ask that but I knew that's what she meant. We'd had this discussion before and my answers evolved over time as I healed.

"I actually do. I felt better right away. You were right. Happy now?" I just said what she wanted to hear. She would have dragged it out over the next fifteen minutes, so I just dropped it right in front of her and moved on.

"Your mother is always right, boy!" I could hear the smirk in her voice. Just like she could hear my eyes rolling all the way in Georgia.

I told her I was ready to go out with friends, but not necessarily ready to date. But getting back to my social life sounded and felt right. My friends hadn't stopped inviting me out, but now I was ready to accept instead of declining.

A few days later I reached out to my usual gym partner, Tom. He and his wife Gia were locals and the people I still saw more often than anyone else. We set up a small get together at their family lake house in Wisconsin for the upcoming Memorial Day weekend. I had something to look forward to.

When the time came, I drove up to the tiny cabin on a small, private lake. It was quiet out there and that didn't scare me like it had months ago. I used to fear being totally alone with my thoughts, but that was getting better all the time.

The weekend was fun and laid back. We cooked out for every meal and we caught up without rehashing ancient history. It felt good and not stunted and awkward like all my conversations had been right after the funeral.

I actually didn't want to head back to work on Tuesday, which was a lot more like old times, too. I always went to work, but I'm human so I didn't always want to.

As June began I decided to reach out to my gay friends in the city. It was harder to hang out with them without Glenn as everyone was in a couple. But I missed them and I really wanted to put myself out there, in a fashion.

Tom and Gia were great, but they were more reserved and "normal" than my gay family. Not that my friends were wild, but they were a bit more out there than the suburban straight couple.

Rob and Dirk were ecstatic to hear from me and to hear that I wanted to hang out. I was glad they were glad, but also suspicious, because time had taught me to be suspicious of that pair. They always had something up their sleeves.

They invited me to dinner at their place, which sounded safe enough. I got dressed in nice clothes and put on cologne for the first time in forever. Glenn never really liked cologne, so it was rare that I wore it. But I liked it, so I dabbed it on.

I stopped and bought a good bottle of wine and a giant bouquet of carnations, which I knew Dirk loved. They were all bright colors and variegated varieties. Seeing them on my passenger seat gave me mixed feelings.

I was excited about a nice dinner with friends, but Glenn used to fill that seat and hold the flowers and wine. I took a deep breath and blew it out. I didn't want to cry, which was a big step forward. I was healing, slowly. That made me smile to myself.

I arrived at the brownstone that they'd been renting for twelve years. I knocked and heard excited screaming as Dirk ran from the kitchen to open the door.

"You're here!" He yelled as he pulled me into a crushing hug. "We're so glad to see you, Blake. Come in, come in!"

By the time Dirk released me and took the wine and flowers, Rob had arrived at the door to welcome me as well. He smiled brightly and hugged me, saying nice welcoming things into my ear quietly.

Luckily dinner was nearly ready so there wasn't time to get stuck in a weird conversation. Instead I helped finish setting the table, which had four place settings on it. What were they up to? I fought the desire to interrogate or run away.

Dirk placed the carnations, now in a gorgeous art glass vase on the table as the doorbell rang. He grinned at me mischievously and darted to the door. I tried to calm my surge of nerves. It felt like a trap.

I could hear him screaming at the new arrival, just as he had when I'd arrived a few minutes before. I headed back into the kitchen where I hoped to find the calmer Rob. But I just missed him as he also went to greet the person at the door.

Soon my hosts and the new guest came into the kitchen. The new arrival was a good looking guy, of course. I tried desperately to not roll my eyes at this whole setup.

"Bradley, this is our dear friend Blake. Blake, this is Bradley." Dirk introduced us, grinning like the Cheshire cat the whole time.

"Nice to meet you Bradley." I shook his hand.

"Likewise, Blake." Bradley smiled politely.

On the surface, I understood this whole scene. Bradley was a thin white guy with light brown hair and big blue eyes. He seemed nice and I'd have to assume, single. This was a set up, in which I had no interest. But I decided to play it cool and see where this dinner went.

Everyone sat at the table and Rob and Dirk carried the conversation at first but then it shifted. Dirk started asking loaded leading questions to both Bradley and I. He alluded to our shared single statuses with no subtlety whatsoever.

Bradley seemed like a really nice guy, but I didn't want any part of this right now. I'd barely gone back to being somewhat social and I'd had a one night fling while all the way across the country. But dating, I wasn't ready for that at all.

I felt no attraction to Bradley. I'd been instantly attracted to Dex. Whether that was because of the fact that I'd sought out a hook up with purpose or if Dex just had that "thing", Bradley was nothing like that.

Bradley was a slightly darker version of Glenn and right now, that was the last thing I wanted. Can you imagine trying to hook up with a man who could have been cut from the same cloth as your recently dead husband? I couldn't and I didn't want it, in any way.

By the time dinner was over and we'd moved into the living room to enjoy our wine and an after dinner cheese plate, I was already over it. No one had flat out said " hey, you and Bradley should get together", but it was all over all three of their faces. I was sure they'd prepped Bradley before he'd arrived tonight.

I excused myself to the kitchen to top off my wine, which was just an excuse to get away from it all for a few seconds. I was startled when Rob addressed me from the doorway.

"So...........what do you think about Bradley?" He smiled innocently.

"Honestly?" I was ready to fight and he must have sensed it or read it on my undisguised angry face because he blanched.

"Are you okay?" He stepped closer.

"No, I'm not. I haven't seen you guys socially like this in eight months and you think the first time we get together is the right time to try to set me up? You couldn't even give me one opportunity to catch up with you two without pulling this shit?"

"Dirk and I thought this is what you wanted."

"Why would you think that, Rob? Tell me why that sounded like a good idea?" My voice had gotten louder by now and I heard Dirk headed our way. I imagined Bradley wouldn't be far behind.

"Hey, what's going on in here?" Dirk asked with Bradley right behind him, peering into the kitchen over his shoulder, just as I expected.

"Nothing, sweetie, we were just discussing dessert." Rob smiled and lied outright.

"No we weren't. What the fuck? I was asking Rob why you guys thought setting me up the very first time you'd seen me was a good idea?" I rarely swore, but this was a good time for it. I was upset and getting angrier by the second.

Bradley disappeared behind Dirk, probably to avoid the drama he'd agreed to be part of. I looked between the two and they both looked worried and a bit guilty.

"Well? Nothing, huh? What a waste of my time. And Bradley's. I just buried Glenn eight months ago. What's wrong with you two?" I felt tears fill my eyes. "I'm going home." I deflated and moved down the hall into their bathroom and locked the door.

I used the bathroom and washed my hands trying to calm myself so I could drive. I looked in the mirror and I didn't really recognize myself. And yet I looked exactly like Glenn's widower that had haunted my mirrors months ago.

I was so angry. I knew these two were crazy but this was beyond crazy, it was actually cruel. I nearly jumped out of my skin when someone knocked on the door.

"I'll be out in a minute." I called out to the intruder. I looked back down at the sink and waited to hear them walk away, but they didn't.

I finally turned and whipped the door open to find Dirk standing there. "Can I talk to you in my office?" He seemed really contrite, which I'd never thought he could pull off. I nodded and followed him down the hall.

He closed the office door behind us and he looked at me from his perch near the door. "This is all my doing. Rob tried to talk me out of it."

That was completely believable. "Why, Dirk? Why do this on the very first social call we've had since Glenn died? Why?" I couldn't hide the hurt in my voice.

"I just wanted you to be happy. But I'm an idiot." He sat in his desk chair and I sat across from him.

"Seeing you two would have made me happy. This makes me sad and pissed off." I couldn't think of what else to say. I was tired and I really just wanted to go home. But I didn't want to go home. To my house I'd shared with Glenn.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't even think. I was treating it like a break up, but it's nothing like that. I knew that and yet I still thought it would help. I really am sorry, Blake."

I released a huge frustrated breath and sunk further into the chair in a deep slouch, which I never did unless I was totally spent. And I felt exactly like that right now. Spent.

"Hey guys, I sent Bradley home. Do you want to come into the living room so we can talk?" Rob had opened the office door as he asked his question calmly.

"Fine." I said with no inflection at all. I stood and followed Rob, Dirk came along behind me.

I sat on the edge of the couch, ready to leave at a moment's notice. I didn't know how to feel, but I was mostly numb.

I listened as the two of them apologized and promised to never do anything like this ever again. I just watched them as they tried to fix their mess. My life was the mess and they had meant well, but I couldn't really just let it go yet.

Rob grew concerned at my despondent posture and demeanor. And I finally found my words and let some of it out.

"I'm so disappointed and sad, you guys. I was really looking forward to coming here for a nice dinner with friends and now it's this whole upsetting thing instead. I know you meant well, but I'm the one who's losing traction. I feel worse now than I have in over a month. I just can't believe you did this." I put my hands over my face and tried to disappear.

I heard Rob growl under his breath at Dirk, something along the lines of "I told you", but I just wished the whole day had never happened.

"Blake, what can I do to fix this?" Rob was earnest in his desire to make it better. In this situation, right at that time, there was nothing that could fix anything.

"Nothing. I shouldn't have........I wish I'd........" I couldn't come up with anything to say that wasn't completely rude and/or mean. I deflated even further. "I really just need to go home." It was barely louder than a whisper.

I looked at them and then I stood. They both shot up to stand as well. They both looked almost panicked. I think the real damage done was finally sinking in for them. They'd set me back, stalled my healing, fucked up my progress.

They could tell I was worse off than I'd been when I'd arrived. They both looked nearly as bad as I felt. I felt bad that they felt bad. It was such a big dramatic mess that didn't even have to happen. Maybe I should have just bit my tongue. No! I shouldn't have to. Not with family.

I barely remember saying goodbye and there were no hugs. Everyone was quiet and it was super awkward. I walked to my car with my head hanging low. I went to Tom's house the next day and chopped firewood for two hours by myself while he and Gia stayed in the house.

Exhausted and sore felt so much better than angry and sad. As I swung that ax over and over, I thought it all through. I wanted to fix things with Rob and Dirk. They deserved one more chance and I wasn't ready to give up on them and the rest of our crew.

A few days later, I sent out a group message inviting them and six of our closest friends to have breakfast at our usual spot. Maybe a public place would work better for this. Everyone replied quickly.

The nine of us had firm breakfast plans. Me and four couples. I couldn't avoid this any longer. If I was ever going to be able to hang out with any of my old friends, Glenn's old friends, I needed to just go for it. It might not work, but I was prepared for that this time.

I did prepare myself. If anyone tried to set me up or get me to date online or whatever, I was ready with practiced responses. I would explain I wasn't ready and I needed them to give me my space and time to deal with it. I would ask them to just be my friends, not my therapists or a matchmaker.

Somewhat to my surprise, they were all on their best behavior. I instantly knew this was Rob's doing. He'd learned his lesson and he had shared that lesson with our family group, clearly. Dirk sat as far from me as possible, which I was okay with right at the moment.

Everyone was happy to see me and asked how I was doing without dragging the day down. They four sets of gay men caught me up on what they'd been up to lately. And then talk turned to Pride, which was next weekend.

I was happy when the conversation turned to the upcoming festivities. Leon and Frank were hosting a BBQ since they lived right on the parade route. They always did it up big, decking out their condo, especially the balcony that overlooked the street where the whole celebration would occur. We'd have burgers and hot dogs and plenty of drinks while the parade passed by. It was always fun.

After the parade a bunch of us were going to the festival to see the vendors and all the craziness first hand. Glenn had always hated that part as it was so crowded and hot, but I always wanted to go. This year I would go and enjoy myself. Alone. I was actually starting to be okay with it. Really okay.

That night we'd club hop and end the evening at the biggest, best club in Boystown, where our buddy Stephan was DJing several sets over the weekend. We would all be there when he took the stage. It all sounded fun and I was ready for it.

The week went by quickly and I planned my outfits for the different events. I packed one small backpack and smiled to myself about only having that one bag to deal with all weekend.

Glenn was an over-packer. He'd bring twelve outfits but only wear the three he'd originally planned to wear in the first place. He'd bring six bottles of sunscreen but only use a portion of one bottle. His bags were always heavy and ridiculous. It sometimes felt like it was just to make me crazy. But this time everything was different.

At the BBQ I did get some uncomfortable questions from the friends in the outer ring of our group and some acquaintances. Luckily, none of the questions really upset me. They were just strange and often nosy and unnecessary. At least they seemed that way to me.

The people that didn't know me at all were actually nice to talk to since they just saw me as Blake, black, gay, single Navy guy. Those conversations were wonderful. I had hope that the weekend wasn't going to be a total disaster for me after several of those chats.

The festival was extremely enjoyable. The food and drinks were crazy and delicious. The vendors were selling everything you could imagine. Some were racier than others, but the bright rainbow colors everywhere just made me feel good.

I'd taken the train down so I didn't have to figure out where to leave my car or what to do with it if I was too drunk to drive home. Leon had picked me up at the train station while getting last minute supplies for the party that afternoon.

After the parade and festival, I went back to Rob and Dirk's place along with a few others to rest and get ready for the clubs later on. Rob was totally normal and I felt happy about that. Dirk was still avoiding me a bit, but I knew it was something he did for me, not because he wanted to stay away.

Dirk had severe foot-in-mouth disease, so he probably just kept his distance to ensure he didn't say something stupid now that we were working towards moving past everything. Dirk deferred to Rob all weekend, wisely.

I took a nap on the couch in Dirk's office while some of the others had more cocktails. I was a lightweight, not really much of a drinker, so a nap to recharge was much better for me than more alcohol. I would have been done for the night if I'd tried to drink more now.

It was extremely warm and humid as we started to get ready to go out. I decided against the jeans I'd planned to wear and instead I wore the black, tight fitting shorts I'd worn at the BBQ.

I wore a white, square neck tank top that framed my muscular neck and stretched over my large pecs. It showed off my tattooed arms and the white was a good contrast to my dark brown skin. I wore a thick silver chain that fell in the exact right spot on my neck. It was about as "gay" as I ever dressed. I felt kind of sexy, which was good.

We met up with some of our other friends in front of the leather bar that some of the guys wanted to go to. For those of us not into that, we went to a regular old gay neighborhood pub. We got appetizers and ice cold beers. The music was loud and the party atmosphere was everywhere.

I followed two of the couples around until it was time to go to the big club event where Stephan was DJing. Most of our group found each other outside and we invaded the dance floor en masse. The set was great and I forgot all about my real life as I bounced along with the whole crowd for a while.