Can Married Couples Date?

"Yes, that's correct."

Sonny frowned. "Hang on a minute. Yes, there's a problem all right, but it's not down to me. I'm not wearing all the blame for this."

"Whoa, easy tiger," Ngaire said in a consoling tone. "This isn't about blame, or accusations. You have to cut me some slack, Sonny. I don't even know what the problem is yet."

That's when Helle let it all come flowing out. Ngaire could barely keep up with her note taking. Once Helle started, she couldn't hold it in. Sonny just sat there listening. It took a few minutes, but Helle finally got it all out. At the end, she felt exhausted, like a giant weight had been lifted.

"Wow..." Ngaire sighed. Focusing her big grey eyes on Sonny, she asked, "Is that how you see it?"

"Those are the facts. My take on it is a little different, but yep. That's pretty much it."

"Let me make sure I understand and have it all correct."

They both nodded, Helle sipping her coffee.

"The facts, and I am just repeating what you said, I'm not accusing, or blaming. This is just for my understanding.

"You are friends with a small group. Very close friends you have known for between five and ten years. Correct?"

Again, they both nodded.

One of your friends suggested it would be fun for you to all go out on dates, with the others' partners. Although, and this is the important part, there was absolutely no sex involved These were to be platonic nights. Correct so far?"

"Yes,"Helle responded, and Sony nodded his agreement.

"Everybody in the group, including you, Helle, thought it sounded like a fun idea. Correct?"

"Well, everybody except Sonny. He blew his lid."

"Slow down, Helle. We'll get to that. At the moment, I'm just gathering the facts and getting my head around it."

She continued, "This created a problem, because you were the sole unwilling participant, Sonny. All the others wanted to go ahead with it?"

"Yep," he replied.

"How did you voice your displeasure, did you talk about it as a group, did you talk privately?"

"I told them all they were crazy. That they were playing with fire and we wouldn't be participating."

"When you say 'we,' you meant Helle and you?"

"Yes, exactly. I mean the whole thing was ridiculous. Normal people don't go out on dates with other people. It's not natural."

"Slow down, Sonny. We can get to that. How did the group react?" Ngaire asked.

"It didn't happen like that," Helle interrupted. "He flew off the bloody handle. Used foul and abusive language. Called one of our friends a skanky slut for suggesting it. Said we were all perverts and degenerates. He went insane."

That's when it got nasty. Sonny jumped up, spilling his coffee, snarling viciously, "What the hell did you think I was going to say. Yeah I don't care. You can fuck my wife? What the fuck, Helle?" He stormed around the small office. "Normal people don't get into swinging, especially when one of them is against it."

Ngaire stood up and walked up to Sonny. She put her hands against his chest to stop him, then she pulled him into a hug. "It's okay, Sonny. Relax. Take deep breaths, breathe."

The feel of her warm body against his calmed him, and he felt his breathing return to normal levels. Once he was calm, she escorted him back to his seat beside Helle.

For her part. Helle just sat there, her face red with embarrassment.

Once he was seated, Ngaire went back to taking notes, before she stated. "I thought there was no sex in this arrangement?" She glanced at Helle. "You did say there was no sex, right?"

"Yes, there was to be no sex. Everybody in the group agreed. It was purely platonic."

Ngaire turned back to Sonny. "You have a different understanding. You think sex was a motivating factor?"

"Yeah, of course it was. Why the hell else would they want to do it? I know those guys. They don't even take their own wives on dates. Why the hell would they want to take mine?"

"Sonny, slow down. We are just talking. I am not your enemy, okay?"

He nodded.

"You just said you know these guys. They're your very best friends, is that right?"

"Yeah, up until that night they were."

"Did you trust them?"

"Yeah, we were mates."

"They agreed there wouldn't be sex, is that right?"

"Yeah, that's what they said, but I know them. It's the only reason they'd do it."

"You think they were lying to each other?"

"Yeah, well, to me anyway."

"Why would they only be lying to you?"

"Because I was the only one unwilling to get involved."

"So you think they already knew they were going to get sex, and they conspired against you? They were tricking you to get your approval?"

When she said it, Sonny felt his face redden. When he heard it, he realised how stupid it sounded, but he nodded. "Yeah, I guess so."

"What about the other women. Did they know sex was the driving motivator?"

"I guess."

Ngaire turned her attention to Helle. "Is that your understanding?"

Helle shook her head vigorously. "No, that's preposterous. We all agreed. There was to be no sex. Marissa told her husband if he so much as kissed another woman, he would be getting divorced. There was no sex."

"Have any of you been on a date yet?" Ngaire asked.

"Yes, we all went on a date last Saturday night," Helle replied. "Except Sonny, that is, and because he didn't want to, it meant one of the other women had to stay home alone, as well."

"Was there any sex?" Ngaire asked.

"No, of course not," Helle rasped laughingly.

"Sonny, what do you think happened on these dates?"

"I don't know. I don't believe anything Helle says to me anymore. I've totally lost faith in anything she says."

"So you think she's lying? You think she had sex with the man she dated?"

He glared angrily at Helle. "I don't know. What I do know is, I don't believe a word that comes out of her mouth."

Ngaire chewed busily on her pencil. "Has Helle ever lied to you in the past?"

"No. I don't think so. But now, I guess it brings our whole marriage into question."

"Do you still love your wife, Sonny?"

"Yes."

"You love her, but you think she's lying to you, and you don't trust her. Don't you think that is a bit of a problem? How do you love somebody you have no respect for, no trust in and you think is lying to you?"

Sonny scowled deeply. She was right, it didn't make sense. Trying to gain some territory, he asked Ngaire, "Are you married?"

"Yes I am," she said happily. "Fifteen years in January."

"What would you say if your husband said he wanted to go on a date with another woman?"

"I would be shocked. I would ask him who with, why and what for?"

That wasn't what Sonny was expecting. "You'd be angry though, right?"

"No, not immediately. If it was with somebody we both knew, and trusted, there was a legitimate reason for it and they both guaranteed me there would be no hank panky. Then I could live with it."

Sonny shook his head in confusion. "You think I'm over reacting then?"

"No, I never said that," Ngaire stated firmly. "At this stage, I don't have an opinion. I'm still gathering facts. Did you make your reasons for your reluctance in private to Helle?"

"Yes, I did," Sonny snorted. "Not that it did me any good."

"What happened?" Ngaire asked.

Helle jumped in. "He started yelling and screaming like a man possessed. Then said he forbade me from getting involved. He used those exact words, like he was my owner, or boss. Bloody forbid me."

"That didn't sit well with you?" Ngaire said.

"Absolutely not. It made me damn angry."

That was it for, Sonny. He slammed his fist down heavily on the edge of the leather sofa. "What the hell was I supposed to do? You told me you were doing it. I had no alternative. You gave me an ultimatum. Did you actually think I was going to let you sleep with those guys?"

"Nobody was sleeping with anybody, you flaming moron. There was no sex. Why can't you understand that?" Helle gasped, the utter frustration in her voice reverberated around the room.

"I think we have uncovered enough for the day. Once tempers get raised, there's no sense carrying on." Ngaire glanced up at the clock on the wall. "Time's up, anyway."

"What happens now?" Helle asked.

"That depends on both of you. Do you want to continue?"

Helle replied immediately. "I do."

"What about you, Sonny?"

"I don't know, we didn't really achieve anything."

Ngaire nodded agreement. "The first session can seem like that. We air our grievances, it gives me a chance to get my head around the issues. See if we can get to the core of the problem. You have to understand, this is my first chance to listen to you both, see how you feel."

"How many sessions would there be?" Sonny asked. "I mean, how long is this going to take?"

"That is not something I can answer here and now. It will be down to both of you. Be warned though, it may not be n easy fix."

"What about the dating?" Sonny asked. "Should it stop until we get this resolved."

Ngaire glanced from one to the other. "Do I take it the dating has stopped?"

"I agreed not to go on anymore until we were comfortable with it." Helle sighed.

"Are you all right with that?"

"No, not really. I enjoyed the date and was actually looking forward to the next. I only agreed not to go because Sonny was so angry. I feel like I am being manipulated. He thinks he can just stamp his foot, yell and scream and he gets what he wants. I hate rewarding bad behaviour."

"Helle, I think you have done the right thing. I can see already that Sonny feels like he is trapped and doesn't know how to respond. If you both agreed, I would like to see you individually next week. Would that be acceptable?"

Helle glanced quickly at Sonny and nodded. "Yes, I would like that."

"Sonny?" Ngaire asked.

"Yeah, I guess so. At least it's put a stop to the dating."

Ngaire frowned. That seemed like a strange response, and judging by Helle's expression, she wasn't happy with it either.

After they left, Ngaire leaned back in her chair. 'Wow, now that was intense. Those two have some deep seated issues.' She looked out the window and watched as they obviously argued, standing beside their cars.

It was a cold night for the pair, and the argument raged in silence. Angry glares, hooded brows. The recently rediscovered intimacy evaporated.

At least Helle had the girls to confide in. That was her saviour; they supported her, even though it put the plans on hold, they all agreed it was worth it.

Sonny, though, was so isolated, he had nobody and he started to feel it. He could use a friendly word of advice.

It was Helle who had the first solo session with Ngaire. Once settled in, Ngaire asked, "How have things been at home?"

"Terrible." Helle sighed. "Before the first session, we did actually manage to put some of the angst behind us. Now we're back arguing."

"Yes, once you start to uncover what's really at the heart of the issue, nerves can become frayed. It can become very uncomfortable."

"It was always there. We pushed it back, but that was only because I agreed not to go on the next date."

"Yes, I wanted to ask why you did that."

"I was just sick of the fighting, and I saw how upset Sonny was. I was genuinely concerned that he hadn't had some sort of psychotic episode or something."

"His behaviour, would you class it as out of character?"

"Yes, completely. I have never heard him say things like that before. It was like he became somebody else." She tried to find words to describe. "At the party when Marissa first suggested it, he just flew off the handle. Called her some horrific names. I mean, those people are our family. When we moved here, they accepted us into their circle. They are more than friends."

"And yet Sonny seems to have no problem with walking away," Ngaire said softly.

"That is what scared me the most. Those boys were so close. They helped us paint the house, helped us move, and we reciprocated. We did everything together. They were more than mates."

"It seems strange that he was able to burn them so completely," Ngaire noted as she scribbled in her pad.

"Do you mind if I ask a personal question?" Ngaire probed.

"Not at all."

"All right, and remember, this isn't judgemental. You seemed to be very interested in this dating game, even although it was so obviously causing issues with your marriage."

Helle scowled. "Yes, that's fair. I guess it goes back to our early relationship. Sonny and I have known each other our whole lives. We, and by that I mean both of us, have never even held hands with anybody else."

"Never dated anybody else?"

"Nope, we went from school to married and having kids. I guess once Marissa and I started talking about it, I realised that I resented that fact. We don't have a lot of money, and we're trying to save money for the kids education. We promised ourselves that we would try and save them taking out student loans. On top of that, we've had a lot of unexpected financial stresses this year. House repairs and what not."

"Can we go back a little, please," Ngaire said. "You mentioned you felt regrets, resentment?"

"Yes, When Marissa talked, she touched on it. I had never gone on a date, not one. Sonny and I never have time, or the money. Marissa is such a good friend. She got me to open up about it. I only then realised that I was resentful. When she suggested the date thing, I'm sure she did it for me. I totally loved the idea."

"Even although it wasn't sexual?"

"That's the only reason I agreed. I love Sonny. I never wanted sex with anybody else. I just wanted a chance to experience going on a date. Being able to do it with such close friends who we both loved and trusted. That was part of the attraction."

"Yes, that makes sense. Did you explain that to Sonny?"

Helle sighed deeply. "I tried, but he kept turning it into an argument. He kept accusing us of wanting sex. It was all about sex with him. I don't know where that comes from. Marissa thinks he's got some deep rooted sexual issue or something."

"Yes, he certainly seems hooked on the sexual aspect of it. Have any of the guys hit on you or said anything that would make him feel some level of insecurity?"

"God, no," Helle spluttered. "The guys are like my brothers. The date I had with Nolan was incredible. I felt so protected. Those guys are my family."

"You say you have known each other since you were children. Was there something from his childhood that might have caused this? He mentioned his family are refugees."

"They were very poor. Never had any money and there weren't a lot of Iranian families in Nelson. They had to assimilate into our culture. Sonny never seemed to have issues with that. He wasn't religious. I think that hurt his mother. She missed that aspect. She seemed a little lost, she was a wonderful woman though."

"Were you, or are you close with her?"

"Yes, very much so. We talk on the phone regularly, and she comes to stay during school holidays. She loves spending time with the kids. We go back to Nelson every chance we get."

"That sounds great. How does Sonny get on with his mother?"

"Oh heck, they're so close. He was always a bit of a mummies boy. He was her life."

Ngaire frowned. "What about his father?"

"They were close, but sort of drifted apart a little. I'm not sure what the problem was, but they don't talk as much as they should."

"I see, and you have no idea why that was?" Ngaire tried to probe. She sensed that there was something unsaid, and Helle did know. Helle, though, shook her head. If she did know then it was staying hidden.

At home, things were tenser than ever. It didn't matter what they talked about, it ended in an argument. Helle tried to soften the fighting, she tried to get the intimacy back. Sonny, though, was wound tighter than ever.

Sonny was not looking forward to his session with Ngaire. During the initial session, he was left feeling exposed and embarrassed. It was with great trepidation he walked into Ngaire's office. As she always did, she offered coffee and they sat together while she prepared to dig a little deeper.

"Sonny, today I was hoping to pry a little, to try and get a better understanding of why the dating game troubled you so deeply. Secondly, and I see this as a secondary issue, your anger, this appears to be a new manifestation. Would that be okay?"

"Yeah, I figured that's where we would be heading today. If I'm being honest, the anger scares me. I try to catch myself, I know I shouldn't be saying some of these things, but the words are out before I can stop them."

She glanced at him quizzically, "Are you saying you are aware some of what you have been saying is unacceptable?"

"Ngaire, I'm not an idiot. I know right from wrong. Some of the things I have said are out of line."

"I never for a minute thought you were as you say, an idiot. What concerns me is you were unable to control your anger. Some people who say things out of spite, or anger, are totally unaware that their actions are socially unacceptable. You're not like that, you know they're unacceptable."

Sonny cringed, her words echoing his own thoughts. The lack of control scared him, as well.

"I did speak with Helle about the anger. She said that in all the time she has known you this has never happened before. These are her words, not mine. She said she has never witnessed you saying a word in anger to any other person. Is that true?"

He nodded in agreement. "I have never felt this loss of control before. This is so different, I've had problems I can't solve, but this is like a whole different level of torture."

"Interesting, so throughout your life, you have never experienced this... lack if control?"

"Never, and it's so frustrating. I told Helle I didn't want her involved in this damn game, and she just told me to butt out, and she was going to to it anyhow."

"What is it about that situation which angers you? Is it the act itself, or that she ignored your orders?"

"Orders..." He grimaced. "I didn't order her. I just said I didn't want her to do it."

"Sorry," Ngaire said softly. "When Helle told me what occurred, she said you had forbidden her. That sort of means an order."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so I suppose I did use those words. Jesus, what else was I going to say. I was angry and didn't want her to be involved."

"Sonny, did you explain your reasons why?"

"No, not really, we started talking and I lost the plot. We started yelling at each other. I have never felt anything like it before. It just erupted out of me. I was livid."

There was a moment of silence as Ngaire tried to gather her thoughts. This wasn't her field of expertise. Sonny had something driving his anger. There was something from deep within him that brought out this venom.

"Sonny, why is this situation angering you so deeply? It seems your reaction far exceeds the situation."

"You think I overreacted?" He sighed.

"Yes, I'm sorry, but to totally burn all bridges with your friends, risk the loss of your family. I'm not saying you should have agreed with or gone along with it. All I am saying the way you dealt with it seems so out of character for you."

"I know I handled it badly, but they disrespected me, all of them. Especially Helle."

"It's not about blame, or shame, Sonny. I would just like to get a better handle on why it outraged you so much."

"Ngaire, I know you aren't supposed to take sides, but honestly. You can't tell me you'd be okay with your husband going on a date with another woman."

"We already covered this. As I already told you. If it was in the right environment with somebody I trusted implicitly, I would be all right."

Sonny just sighed and gave her a sullen stare.

She saw his pain; it was etched deep into his features. "What say we start there. your friends."

"Ex friends," Sonny snarled.