Can Married Couples Date?

"Sonny, I got the impression that you had a very close friendship with the other husbands. Is that a fair statement?"

"Yeah, we were pretty close, I guess."

"Would you say you trusted them?"

"Yeah, as I said. We were close."

"So what changed your mind? Something must have happened for those men to go from close trusted personal friends to a group you saw as capable of lying to you, attempting to trick you. What happened, Sonny?"

Shrugging confusion written all over his face, he mumbled, "I can't explain it. I just couldn't understand why they would want to go on a date with somebody else's wife. It had to be sex."

"Why did it have to be sex?"

"What the hell else is there? They weren't doing it for fun."

"I thought that's exactly what this was all about. My understanding is, everybody in the group understood that there were rules, there was no sex on offer. It was just for fun."

"That's what they said, I just don't believe it."

"You think all of your best friends, male and female, plus your wife, lied to you?"

"Yes. I don't know why, but yes." Sonny felt stupid. He knew it didn't make sense, he knew, but didn't.

"This is what I don't understand," Ngaire said softly. She had to try and make it less confrontational. "Sonny, You have an absolutely fabulous group of friends. One day you are best friends, and the next you think they are trying to hoodwink you. It just doesn't make sense. Not on any level."

"What's your point, Ngaire?"

"There's no point, I'm just trying to understand why you think that. Did one of them say something, infer to you that they were looking for something sexual?"

"No, it was just a feeling." Sonny sighed.

She shook her head."I'm sorry Sonny, but that just doesn't make sense. These people are your best friends, your family. Why would the wives want to do that?"

"I don't know."

"Sonny, you say you love your wife? This is where I get confused. It's the contradictory nature of your statement. You say you love her, but think she is capable of doing something so horrendous as lying to you so she can have sex with somebody else. "

"I do love her, it's why this is so confusing."

"Sonny, love usually requires many elements, respect, trust, loyalty. How can you say you love her if you don't feel all of those things?"

"I don't know, maybe she's been seduced by the others."

With a shake of her head, Ngaire whispered tellingly, "You don't believe that, Sonny. I can see it in your eyes. Even you don't believe that."

Silence surrounded them, the little clock on the wall ticked softly as Sonny focused his attention on it. Anything not to look at Ngaire.

"Be honest with me, Sonny, explain why you think she would do something like that to you?"

Again there was no answer, Ngaire tried a different tack. "Lets talk about your childhood. Did you have a happy home?"

"Yes, we didn't have a lot of money, but my mother always made sure there was food on the table."

"You sound like you had a close relationship with her?"

"Yes, my mother was a saint. She worked, looked after our home, loved me, cared for me."

"You're right, she does sound like a saint. What about your father?"

"We weren't so close. He worked long hours." Sonny lost her gaze, he couldn't hold her intensity.

"You didn't see much of him?"

"No, not really. He was very busy."

"Busy working?" Ngaire sensed something was amiss. Sonny's mood darkened, his brows hooded over. There was anger when he spoke about his father.

"He was a bastard," Sonny spat out as tears started to flow. "He was a disgusting excuse for a man," he growled between tearful sobs."

Ngaire moved beside him on the sofa, her arm draping over his hunched shoulders. "Did he hurt you, Sonny, was he abusive?"

"What... No. Not like that. He cheated on my mother. She worked her hands to the bone. Scrubbed, cleaned. She put her heart and soul into our family, and he was having an affair with another woman. I hated him for that. She loved him unconditionally and he did that to her. He was a dirty bastard."

"Oh, Sonny, I'm so sorry. How did you find out?"

"I caught him at it. I came home from school and they were doing it in Mum's bed. In their bed for god's sake."

"Oh dear, that is terrible."

"I wanted to kill him, I hated him so much. I found out he was giving her money, as well. Mum worked, she put all her money into our home, and he took it and gave it to that slut."

"She was a prostitute?" Ngaire gasped.

"No, she was a solo mother. He just gave her money. Our money, Mum's money. He was a pig of a man."

"Did your mother find out, did you tell her?"

"I didn't have to. She knew, but turned a blind eye to it."

"How do you know?"

"I heard her and Carol, Helle's mum. Carol was my mother's best friend. I overheard them talking about it. Carol told her she should divorce him, that she would help. Mum refused. She said in our culture, family comes before anything else. She wouldn't divorce the bastard."

"She stayed to save the family. She must have loved you very much," Ngaire said honestly.

"Yes, but she was ridiculed for it. That slut he was having the affair with was proud of it. She didn't try to hide the fact. Other women mocked my mother for not having the strength to kick him out."

Ngaire was starting to get a sense for what troubled Sonny. "Do you wish she had divorced him?"

"Yes, she should have killed him, or at least kicked him out. The man was a pig."

"Sonny, she stayed for you. She was looking after you. She wanted you to have a father figure."

"He was no father. He was always to busy shagging his slut. Never came to sports games, school events. All he ever thought about was himself."

They sat together for quite a while, Ngaire's arm draped comfortingly over his shoulder, Sonny bawling his eyes out.

When he finally managed to get control, Ngaire asked, "Is that why you have doubts about Helle? You think she's cheating on you?"

"No, it's the guys. Why would they be satisfied with just a date? They would want sex. Why else would they do it?"

"I can't answer that. I don't know them. What I do know is, they are your friends and you trust them. I think you have let your father's actions colour your judgement of everybody. I think you're afraid that the dates will lead to something sexual."

"Of course it bloody well will. It's what it's all about."

"Is that why you didn't want to participate? You were worried you wouldn't be able to control your urges?"

"No, but I worry that there is something of my father hiding inside me. Lurking in the shadows, just waiting for the right moment to destroy my life."

"Sonny, your father sounds like a man with a lot of issues. I also think that your worries are groundless. You have suppressed all these emotions surrounding your father and they have coloured the way you see yourself and other men. You have let your fears and insecurities get in the way. I think you should be proud of who you are. The fact you think the dating game is silly, rather than an opportunity to find some casual sex speaks highly of who you are."

"So you think it's silly, the dating thing?"

"If you want my honest opinion. I think it's a dangerous game to play. I would like to say it's a marvellous idea. Unfortunately, I think human nature will get in the way, somebody will get hurt. I'm not talking about sex, I'm talking ego. With all the guys going all out to be better, somebody will get bent out of shape. If I had a group of friends as tight as yours, I would relish the chance to spend some time with somebody other than my husband. Forget about the sex aspect. I'm talking about some intimate moments with a man, safe in the knowledge we were doing nothing but enjoying each others company."

"You think I overreacted then?" Sonny sighed.

"In a word, yes, of course you did, and you know it. I'm not saying you should do it. All I'm saying is, if you had valid concerns, you should have discussed them, explained your concerns in a rational manner. At least you would still have friends. At the moment, you have cut yourself off from everybody you love."

"Christ, what a mess. Everything is fucked," he cried exasperatedly.

"Sonny, you have to talk to Helle. That's the first hurdle. You have to explain why you were unwilling to participate. I have a feeling she already knows."

"No, she doesn't. She's never mentioned it. In fact, she's always on at me to reconnect with Dad."

"Sonny, that's because she sees how much pain the separation gives you. When I talked to her about her childhood and about yours, she was very guarded. I suspect if her mother knew about the affair, she will also know."

"Ah, crap, I hope not."

"It's nothing for you to be ashamed of. You are not your father. You are your own man. You have a wonderful family. You need to focus on that."

"What should I do? Just tell her?"

"Yes, she needs to understand why you behaved the way you did. She needs to know there are legitimate reasons behind your anguish. She thinks you are having a nervous breakdown."

"Why?"

"Sonny, a sane man doesn't start calling his friends' wives sluts and cheaters for no reason. You must see that your actions were fairly skewed, way over the top."

"Yeah..."

"I'm not trying to say you should throw yourself into the dating thing. If it causes you so much grief, then I think perhaps you're better off to flag it. You just have to explain your logic calmly and rationally. You have to separate and remove all the anger. Talk to her with love."

"I tried, it just seems every time I open this subject, I lose the plot and I can't hold back."

"Sonny, you have to, we could practice some exercises for anger management, but I think that's a separate issue and you need to speak to someone who specialises in anger management."

"Oh god, really?"

"Sonny, your anger is controlling and destroying your life. You need to find ways to manage that. I have a friend who specialises in this field. I'm sure I could arrange an appointment. He is a lovely man, very understanding."

"Jesus, it's like my whole life has turned upside down. I have never had issues with anger before."

"This is a very inflammatory set of circumstances. I think if you look back through your life, there would have been other times when you wanted to lash out, but you kept them suppressed. This one is just more provocative. There is no shame in seeking help."

"I guess, I just feel like a bit of a loser. I can't even talk to my friends, that's what I usually do."

"Sonny, I think you're blessed. Friendships as solid as the ones you have with that group are far too hard to build. It must be part of getting control of your life. You need to try and repair those relationships, build bridges, not burn them down."

With no response from Sonny, Ngaire suggested. "If you think you will struggle telling Helle, we could do it together. I can reschedule some clients and we could have a joint session tomorrow afternoon."

"Thanks, Ngaire, but I think I need to do this on my own. I started this bloody schemozzle. I need to fix it. If you could arrange a session with the anger management guy, I will see him."

"That sounds wonderful, I'll set it up. When are you going to talk to Helle?"

"Tonight, I suppose. No time like the present."

"I think that's good, Just remember to stay calm, talk to Helle in a non-threatening, non-confrontational manner. Let her know that you love her, that you care for her. Most importantly, she needs to know the things you said to her were just words said in the heat of battle."

Sonny walked out feeling about as low as he ever had in his life. He had completely stuffed everything up.

Helle already had the dinner cooking when he walked in. She was busy in the kitchen when he walked in. She looked nervously over her shoulder as she peeled some carrots. "How did it go?" she asked hesitantly.

He dropped his bag on the floor, walked up behind her and slipped his hands around her waist. His head nestled into the side of her neck ,and he whispered, "I'm sorry. I love you, Helle. I know I stuffed up. I love you so much."

Helle dropped what she was doing and turned in his arms, hers circling his neck as she melted into a passionate kiss. His genuine sadness just thawed out all of the anger. As their lips separated, she said, "You have nothing to apologise for, babe. I love you, I know you didn't mean those things."

"No, I didn't, I acted terribly. God I'm an idiot. I had no right to say those things to you. I let my own demons drive my anger."

"Why, babe? That's all I want to know. Why did something so innocent make you react like that?"

"I think it was because of my father." Sonny felt Helle stiffen in his arms, her whole body tensed up.

Leaning back so he could look into her eyes. "You knew about it, didn't you?"

She nodded. "Yeah, I think most people in the neighbourhood knew. We didn't say anything because of the love we have for your mother, and you. Everybody loves your mother. She is so respected. I wish she didn't have to suffer that indignity."

"Yes, he's a pig of a man."

"He made a mistake, Sonny. He's an idiot, but he knows that. He is trying to rebuild their marriage."

"What, how do you know all this?"

"Your mother and I talk most days. She rings to talk to me and the kids. You know that."

"She told you about it?"

"Yes, she is very happy at the moment. She is making your father crawl over broken glass trying to work his way back into her heart, but she wants it to work. She loves him, Sonny. It's why you have to help. It breaks her heart that you are estranged. You need to talk to him."

Sonny was shocked to learn about his parents. It didn't change his perception of his father. All the rage that built in him over the years wasn't just going to flow away.

"I can't do that, Helle. He will have to work for that. He disrespected my mother for all those years and it's supposed to just be all better? The world doesn't work that way."

"All I'm asking is you try. He's trying, Sonny. He really is. If your mother can accept it, surely you can soften your stance a little."

They kissed again, his arms crushing her to him. "Oh, how I've missed this. It's so nice to talk and not fight," Helle sighed.

"Yeah. I'm sorry I got so messed up. That whole situation caught me off guard and I didn't know what to do. It scared me that without even talking about it, you were suddenly more than enthusiastic about dating other people."

"Sonny, I tried to explain. I wasn't looking for sex. I am completely satisfied with our love life. I just wanted a chance to experience what it would be like to spend an evening with somebody else. I figured you might enjoy it, as well. You never saw any other girls."

"It never crossed my mind, you're all I ever wanted."

"I feel the same way, babe. I wasn't looking for romance or sex. Just a little innocent fun. The other girls all dated other guys. I just wanted to experience a little of that in a safe environment."

"Sorry, I still don't get it, but I know I over reacted. For that I apologise. I should have explained."

"It's okay, babe." Helle whispered. "You're going to have to eat some humble pie with the others, though. You will need to apologise."

"Yeah, I owe them that much. I'd understand if they never want to speak to me again."

"Don't be daft. They know that wasn't the real you. To be honest, we all thought you were having a breakdown."

That night they made love, and the passion that had been lost returned with a vigour long since forgotten.

Lying together enjoying the afterglow, Helle whispered, "We could host a dinner party this weekend. Get the gang together."

"If you think they will come, then yeah. Lets do it," Sony replied.

Helle smiled, her fingers stroking his face softly. "It might be a little cold at first, but it'll work out."

At work the next morning, Sonny arrived early. He was at the coffee machine making a cup when Joe walked in.

Joe went to walk out when he saw Sonny there, but Sonny said, "Joe, can we talk?"

It was obvious from Joe's demeanour that it wasn't going to be that easy. "I'd like a chance to explain. I know I've behaved badly and you have every right to be angry. All I'm asking for is a chance to explain."

Joe sucked in a deep breath. "You said some bloody nasty things to Marissa, Sonny. You must realise you're not in our good books."

"I know that, mate. I want a chance to apologise to everyone, including Marissa. If you're not keen then I'll understand."

Joe nodded, he leaned back against the bench top and chose his words carefully. "Mate, Phil will be here soon. You make the coffees, bring them down to my office and we'll talk. No promises, mind, but we can talk."

Joe walked off leaving Sonny to make the coffee. When he got to Joe's office, Phil was there, as well. He handed over the coffees and was about to make his apology when Phil said, "You didn't spit in these did you?"

Joe started chuckling, and Sonny couldn't help but laugh, as well. "Nope, no spit, no poison. Just a big dollop of I'm sorry for being a jerk."

They sat together, drinking the piping hot drinks, and Sonny apologised. He tried to keep it simple, but as the words flowed out, the emotions got the better of him and he had to stop to wipe away a few tears.

Phil was the first to speak. "Jesus Christ, man. Why didn't you say something. Fuck me, we would have understood. You didn't have to go all ballistic on us."

"Yeah, I don't know what happened. Helle shocked me by diving in. I was scared and I just started saying stupid shit and I couldn't stop it. I know how stupid it sounded, but I didn't care, the bloody words just kept flowing out."

Joe came around his desk and wrapped Sonny in a brotherly hug. "It's okay, mate. You should have told us what was going on. We are mates, we could have helped."

"I know that, I feel like a dick."

"So you bloody should," Phil said mockingly. "Scared the crap out of us. Renee was really worried. She thought you went to the dark side."

It was slow, but as the coffee cups emptied, the friendship seeped through the coldness and the anger slowly evaporated.

That night as Sonny walked to his car, he was intercepted by Phil. "What are you doing now, me old mate?"

"Nothing much, just heading for home."

"Not anymore. I just got off the phone with Nolan and Clive. We're meeting up at the pub for a beer. Oh, and by the way, it's going to be your shout."

Sonny laughed loudly, and it felt good to have some joy back in his life. "Okay, you bloody skinflint. I'll wear that."

It turned out to be fun, although by the time they were on their third beer their phones were running hot. Angry wives trying to find out where their recalcitrant husbands were. When Sonny explained to Helle, she just laughed, and said, "Thank god for that."

The boys were on their fourth beers when the girls all walked in. Helle and Sonny shared a hug, then it was Leanne, Jade, Renee, and last but not least, Marissa. She didn't fall into his arms like the others. She stood back and waited. She still carried a lot of resentment towards him, but as she watched the others, she stepped forward. "Am I going to get a hug as well?"

Sonny sucked it up, his chest swelling as he built the courage. He opened his arms and she walked into the embrace. "I'm sorry, Marissa, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I was a jerk and you have every right to hate me. I hope I can win back a little of your friendship."

She squeezed him tightly. "It's okay Sonny. It's just good to have you back. Buy me a mojito and we can chat."

Of course it meant he had to buy another round. The group started talking, and slowly the laughter returned. Friendships that solid can't be broken that easily. Yeah, it took a battering but the foundations were strong.