Can They Dance to a New Tune?

"It was when I was waxed, we stopped having sex as I couldn't face your response. If I tried to suggest it was for you, you'd have known I was lying. My being evasive, basically lying to you was making me behave in a way towards you I didn't want to. I was narky, snarling and vindictive far too often. Those arguments we had, I could hear my words. When I looked back my words were directed to me not to you. They must have hurt you so much! My conscience knew I was driving us apart. I hated the person who I saw in the mirror.

"My competitive persona made us enter some higher quality competitions and to our surprise we finished high enough to go onto to the next level. We had to practise more often which led to more arguments between us, about work/life balance. As these competitions were further away, I started the weekends away with Becky and Diane. We stayed in the same room. Ernie was in a separate room.

"We finished third so went onto the next one. Becky and Diane loved the atmosphere, the dancing before and after the event. I was on such a high. The only downside was you weren't with me to share it with. I'd have emptied your balls. You'd have probably got that blowjob you wanted. Maybe even anal, I was so energised. They told me to tell you again and again. You needed to see how I experienced this moment. You love me so much you'd be incredibly happy for me as well as experiencing the extra special sex.

"Eight weeks ago, we went to the third round of this competition. Becky and Diane couldn't come. We came first. It was such a shock. I experienced a high like never before. Ernie was the same. So many congratulated us. We drank far more than normal though that isn't an excuse.

"As we went to our rooms, we had a chaste kiss goodnight, like we had done before. The whole evening exploded in it. We ended up in his room where we fucked. We did it two maybe three times. We didn't have any condoms because we were never going to be intimate. It wasn't great sex but the evening made it seem so. Even as we were fucking, not making love, my conscience was saying, "This should be David. You've fucked your marriage."

"In the morning, we were both devastated to wake up together. What had we done? We discussed this. It had to be a one off. We agreed that we had to speak with you both about the dancing. We agreed to tell you both as we didn't want any repetition of that night. Ask you both to come and support us. However, we were arguing so much, I couldn't find a way to tell you.

"A month later, we came second in the quarter final. Last night was the semi-final. Had we qualified, we would have had no option but to tell you as the next stage, the final would be televised in ten weeks.

"Becky and Diane had come on a later train. They were shopping as we were practising for the evening's event. We pulled out as neither of us were in any state to perform after Becky and Diane's call. We knew we were each facing a divorce which neither of us wanted.

"After that night of shame, I missed my period and told myself it was my imagination, the stress of worrying if you ever found out. When I missed my second one, I bought the test. I did it on Friday morning. It was the real reason I was up so early. I thought I hid it at the bottom of the bin. I didn't know what to do. I never told Ernie as I knew by the time I met him I had to have an abortion. I didn't think I could loath myself even more but I did. I was a hypocrite. I'd looked down on some girls at school who got pregnant and had abortions. I was no better than them. I was a fucking slut!" She looked like she would lose her composure.

She looked me in the eye, "Can I ask a massive favour? Sadie never called so I presume you haven't called her. Let Ernie explain everything to her. If she calls you, please don't tell her I was pregnant. Ernie doesn't know. I only told him you'd found out about our night of shame. You were screaming your hurt when saying I was pregnant.

"I know our marriage cannot survive which is something I'll regret for ever. Ernie loves her and she loves him. Give them a chance.

"I'll answer any questions you have."

I shook my head. I didn't know how I felt. It wasn't anger, it wasn't sad, I just felt crushed. She'd been lying to me for months. Despite her protestations, she shown no love for me at all. I felt totally deflated.

We spent some time in silence.

Janet spoke lightly, "If you want, I'll model the Rhumba outfit, without the bodystocking. If that can't make you think about seeing if we can work through this, nothing will."

I looked at her. I finally reacted, my voice showing my anger, "How can you even think we could repair this? For months you've lied to me, found fault with me and ignored what you were doing to destroy our marriage. Did you think I would have forbidden you to go dancing with that bastard? Was our marriage already so insecure, you knew it wouldn't take much to derail it?

"Both of you thought your spouses would be embarrassed. You didn't have any faith in us to see that this was part of you. Is that just a way to try and avoid saying, I get hot when I'm dancing and we're going to fuck. Fuck you! This is about me and only me!"

Janet shouted and screamed, "NO! It was never meant to be anything other than dancing. Once we fucked. ONCE! Once too many.

"I said I made too many mistakes. Not trusting you was my biggest one. I'll live the rest of my life knowing I'm responsible for us divorcing. Punish me not Ernie and Sadie."

She dissolved into tears. She'd been holding them back but they all came out. I never went to her. I went to my bedroom.

The next morning breakfast was noticeably quiet. Even with her makeup on, she looked like shit. As I was about to leave, she said, "I may be later home. I'm going to speak with Becky and Diane and ask if me telling their husbands the whole truth may help them. When I'm home we can speak about the divorce."

Once at work, I went to HR and handed in my resignation. I had to give three months' notice but with annual leave to use up, I had just over nine weeks to work.

I looked through my week to come. I had a few businesses I would need to pass on to others.

I wasn't evading nor seeking out Ernie. I was just trying to get through the day. At 11am I was called to see my manager. HR had told him about my resignation.

Bill asked, "Why David? I thought you were happy. You were making inroads into some big contracts and looking set for promotion and a big bonus. I will be sorry to have you leave us. If there is anything we can do to prevent it, I'll consider it."

I smiled, "Bill, it's a personal matter. Nothing relating to work."

He looked at me, puzzled, "If you're ill, we'll support you, you don't have to leave."

I shook my head, "My marriage is over. I'm looking to go back home."

Bill was shocked, "I would never have guessed that. Every time I've seen Janet and you together, all I could see was the love between you. For you to say that it must be serious. The way you spoke I could feel your pain. I would suggest seeing a counsellor. We tend to see things as black and white. Often there are multiple layers of colours.

"Jane and I had been having problems and we saw one. It helped so much our marriage is far better and stronger. Without it, we would be divorced. I'd certainly be a miserable bugger as I doubt I could love anyone like I love her. Think about it. Even if only to help yourself identify where the relationship went wrong so the same mistake doesn't happen again if you find someone else.

"I had been going to ask you to deal with a request from Davidson and Archibald's. They were extremely impressed with your preliminary work on their business so they wanted you to oversee the implementation of it.

"I was going to pair you with Ernie. He has the expertise in several of the disciplines you are not so hot on."

When he said "Ernie," my temper flared. He noticed.

Bill said quietly, "Tell me to butt out if you wish but does Ernie have something to do with this?"

I just nodded. I didn't want to be more explicit. If I spoke, I don't know what I'd have said.

Bill was quiet. Finally, he said, "I don't know what to say. I never expected that from either of them. Ernie loves Sadie like you did Janet. She'll be devastated when she learns of this.

"Does it have anything to do with dancing? I know you have two left feet. Ernie and Janet were both excellent dancers when younger. Janet especially. Her partner was excellent as well. He went onto a career in dancing. Ernie was particularly good but his partner was just okay.

"I saw Janet and Ernie dancing at the easter party. They were amazing together. I never thought it could go beyond that. Both loved their spouses so much, it oozed out of them.

"If there is any chance you can get over what has happened, I'd be delighted to cancel your resignation. If you need time to see a counsellor, take the time. I'll authorise it as something else so no one will know."

I left his office. I saw Ernie heading there. Bill would make his displeasure at his actions obvious.

Twenty minutes later, Ernie was standing at my desk. He looked extremely uncomfortable.

Good!

He spoke quietly, "I need to speak with you about Janet. Please let's go for lunch somewhere no one else will be from here."

In a louder voice, "David, Bill has suggested I speak with you about the new Davidson and Archibald's account as you did the preliminary work. He suggested we use the conference room. When would it be convenient for you?"

I looked at him. He was trying to appear professional but he was worried.

I said quietly, "We can do it now. We can order our lunch through Brenda (my group's secretary). We won't be disturbed."

In other words, "Fuck off, I'm not discussing Janet!"

We discussed the plan for Davidson's. Each time Ernie tried to speak about Janet, I stopped him. As he was leaving he said, "David, I can't apologise enough. It was never meant to happen. It was only about the dancing. I told Sadie last night. She is as furious as you. I only hope she can overcome her anger to give me a chance to make it up to her. Give Janet a chance. Don't let one stupid act cause you to break up. You're like Sadie and me, meant to be together. If Sadie divorces me, I won't seek anyone else. Neither will Janet if you throw her away. Will you?"

Janet was home when I arrived. She was on the computer. She only said, "The dinner is in the oven. It will be twenty minutes."

Once we had eaten she sat at the table looking at me. She spoke softly, sadly, "I haven't spoken to Ernie since we parted yesterday. He was going to tell Sadie. He will. They are probably in as bad a place as we are.

"I've looked through the divorce laws and your figures are accurate. I wouldn't have expected anything else. We should sell the house. I don't want to stay here without you as there would be too many memories of what I did to destroy us.

"If I can ask for one thing, please amend the reason to irreconcilable differences only. It won't make any difference to the timing of the divorce but if Ernie and Sadie remain together, it won't be in the public domain that he had an affair. It will hurt them enough over what has happened. Let them heal."

I said softly, "I'll consider it. We had to work together today. I tried to avoid speaking about you both but he ended by apologising. He wanted me to give you a chance. There is too much hurt to see any possibility of one."

Janet looked at me, "One of my friends at work saw how down I was. I only said we were in serious trouble. She gave me the name of a counsellor. She said she had worked magic when her marriage was in trouble. She does sex therapy as well so if we could overcome our problems to remain a couple, we could work on our sex life.

"I need to see her as I am so lost with knowing what I've done to rip us apart. I can't see any future for me. I need answers to questions like "Why can I wear exposing outfits while dancing and behave like an extremely prudish prude when with you? Why I can't be more adventurous in and out of bed for you, for us both."

"Maybe it's my ego but I don't see you heading home and back out courting immediately or even for quite some time. It will take a lot for you to trust someone again. I doubt I'll ever look at another man. If we saw the counsellor, it wouldn't delay in any meaningful way our divorce. It should help us make better decisions in the future.

"My friend said not to try and temp you by wearing my outfits. The counsellor had told her any such attempt could backfire. I won't walk around naked, let you catch me exposing myself. We're in separate bedrooms as it is so we won't have sex. If you need me to perform a release on you, just ask.

"I did contact the abortion clinic. They have sent the pill to me. It should arrive tomorrow. They told me what to expect and the possible adverse effects so I'm as prepared as I can be.

"David, I don't know how to express how much it hurts to see the pain you are in. It's all my fault. Don't think there is any blame for this which attaches to you."

We spent the rest of the evening doing our own things. Each night, we spoke briefly. Janet had arranged a session with the counsellor for 4pm on Thursday. I was welcome to attend but she understood I may not wish to. She needed help to see why she had made so many mistakes.

When I arrived home on the Thursday night, Janet was curled up on the sofa crying her eyes out. I prepared our dinner. Afterwards she spoke about her session.

Janet spoke firmly, her resolve evident despite her nerves, "Elizabeth let me explain all which had happened and your response. She asked some questions which literally peeled my flesh off. I couldn't believe what she found within me. I'm struggling to understand what she exposed."

She smiled, "The only thing I was happy about was that no matter how she phrased the question whenever she asked how I felt about you, I answered, "I love him."

"She asked about your response and I explained. I had asked you to attend with me but I didn't expect you to. You always followed the path you set and your path was divorce.

"She did say that such was your response, she felt you needed help as well. She thought individually at first and depending on what transpires possibly joint ones later. The way you have bottled your anger means eventually you will explode. She wants to help you gain control. Your anger is driving your response. Is this response what you genuinely want? It may be or it may be there is another path which you can't see because of your anger.

"She cut deeply into my guilt. Because of that, I can't see a future. That is worrisome to her. I have so many emotions about that session, my mind is playing it on repeat. I'll head to my bedroom so not to disturb you."

As she headed there she handed me a card with a date and time, "It's a provisional booking for you. Please confirm. David, you need help as well. I've never seen you at such a loss. You look around all the time as though you should be doing something, anything to keep you occupied. It's not you. Don't let my stupidity fuck up your life even more."

The appointment was for the next day at three pm. I went following Bill's counsel. I came home and went to my bedroom. I lay on the bed and cried like I have never cried. Janet asked quietly if I wished anything. I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts.

It was the middle of the night when I heard Janet howling. She was in the bathroom. You could have cut the sense of despair emanating from there. Despite not wanting to I asked, "Janet, can I help you? What's wrong?"

Janet never replied. I could only hear her sobbing and cries of pain. I unlocked the door and went in before I realised I had done so. She was lying in the foetal position, arms holding herself tightly as her whole body looked like it was tearing itself apart. Her tears were like little rivers. She felt frozen. I had to hold her. I didn't know what to say, what had happened.

We lay there together for hours before she fell asleep. She must have been totally exhausted, mentally and physically. I picked her up and took her to bed. As I placed her in it, I saw some blood on her thighs. I debated whether or not to lift her nightie to see if she was still bleeding. I had to know. I couldn't live with myself if she was and by not looking, she bled to death. There was no sign of ongoing bleeding. She was still bare so her pussy looked like I'd imagined what it would have looked like, - amazing.

Despite the view, I didn't get an erection.

I made sure the duvet covered her before I returned to the bathroom. Whatever had happened she must have cleaned most of it up before collapsing. I finished cleaning the toilet.

It was about midday before she came through to the kitchen. The smell of bacon always woke me up from a sleep. She looked very pale and drawn.

She smiled, "David, thank you for last night. I could feel you holding me. It meant so much. You took care of me like you always do. I threw you away with my stupidity." She kissed me lightly on my forehead.

I asked, "What happened?"

She was incredibly sad, "I aborted the foetus. The process was bad enough but as I was cleaning up, I saw how I fucked up our lives. Before I stopped our sex life, we had been speaking about having our children. Now I won't have any. It was too much to endure. If I had thought I had reached rock bottom, I was so wrong. I fell into the earth's core.

"When I woke up, I felt myself falling into that place again. As I showered and saw the blood on my thighs, it brought it all back to me. I just feel so empty. I'm going through the motions of having a life. All the things which had been important, I've destroyed. There is no future for me."

I didn't know what to say.

We spent the day just avoiding any meaningful conversations. I didn't know how to broach the subject of her feelings over this. I didn't even know my own. I'd never felt so lost from reality. I had no picture of where I was or where I was heading. Elizabeth had touched on that feeling. She said it would probably get worse before it improved.

As we set off for work on the Monday Janet said, "I'll be slightly later as I'm seeing Elizabeth. If I'm like Thursday I won't want to eat so collect something for yourself on the way home. I won't complain about your choice."

She didn't like me going to the fish and chip shop often. After the weekend she had had I hoped Elizabeth could give her some direction. I was seeing her on the Tuesday. She said twice a week as it was important to establish my true feelings before too much time elapsed as the longer I went without knowing, the less likely I would work towards a solution which I wished.

Tuesday at Elizabeth's, I would say was the worst I have ever felt in my life. It started out on my feelings over Janet and then moved with lightening precision on to how I had been as a husband. She exposed how I had failed to observe the needs in Janet and how I manipulated many of our conversations about holidays, desires. I included Janet but only within my own boundaries. If she went over those, I withdrew from her.

The split between us came long before the firm's easter dance. I argued against that but Elizabeth showed me the truth. It's origins surprised me but I had to concede it started due to her refusing to expand our sex life or to dress up for me. Elizabeth didn't let up until she extracted from me the reason I felt I needed those. I wasn't a pervert as Dorothy had suggested or even I thought at times. It was my lack of confidence in myself. Her refusal just made me see her as waiting to move on from me. Had she loved me as I loved her, she would have been more adventurous and dressed for me.