Can We Be Saved

"Dorothy was incensed. She was in charge of her body and she decides who gets access. I agreed but said if she was in a relationship, surely she should give some consideration on how her actions affected her partner. That didn't go down well.

"We argued. The others backed her. I left after telling them they were no longer friends for them betraying my trust. They were covering for her fucking Mike. She came home half an hour after me. She was mad. I normally pay for everyone. I didn't before I left. I put a hold on her cards for twelve hours so she couldn't pay. She felt humiliated, much like I had felt with her behaviour. We argued and she couldn't see what she did impacted upon me. How it would influence my reactions. We haven't spoken two civil words to each other since. I tried but was shot down so haven't bothered again.

"On Friday she flaunted how little she was wearing as she went out. About two hours later, Mike sent a photo of her with a tramp stamp tattoo. She knew I loved her flawless skin and this would defile it. She was only wearing a micro thong so Mike and the tattooist saw about everything she has to offer. I never knew she had any lingerie like that.

"I replied how she knew my feelings on tattoos and how this was designed to show me my place. I attached the divorce papers. I left the house. I couldn't stay there after that. I turned off my phone. Today when I put it on there were many texts, messages, all saying nasty things about me. Not one word of contrition, one apology."

Sarah asked, "Do you love her?"

I laughed nervously, "I'm not sure. I'm so angry. I only see what I never expected to see, us breaking apart. How she's been goading me, basically saying, "Fuck you" by her actions the last few months.

"I'm so tired of this. I know I have some blame but I have never nor would I treat her like this."

"What do you wish this counselling to achieve?"

"Belinda, my PA suggested this. She said I needed to be able to see beyond the anger and understand, if possible what has happened. Maybe how to approach her to get to the truth and deal with it. Learn from my mistakes so any future relationship has a chance."

"You've said, "future relationship," do you feel this one is too toxic to recover?"

"I don't know. Some moments I'm so angry, I just want to be free, throw everything out yet I want to know why, is it fixable? I've never felt these rollercoasters of emotions before. Belinda asked me if she was trying to jolt me? I don't know but this to me seems the wrong way to deal with our problems."

Sarah looked down at her notes for a moment. She asked quietly, "Before everything started to unravel, was there anything going on which had either of you under stress?"

I thought for a few minutes, "Dorothy was worried she had not become pregnant. My flippant response got me the cold shoulder. I said you need to have sex for that to happen. I did see envelopes to her from a clinic but whenever I brought those up, she shut the talk down. We haven't had sex since."

"So, she may have had tests but is keeping the results away from you. Is there any reason for her to do so?"

"I suppose when we talked before we were both keen on children. If she has a problem, maybe she thinks it will change how I feel about her. It won't. I would support her to achieve pregnancy if possible. If not, we could adopt if she wished.

"We used to be able to talk about everything but we don't speak much at all now."

"Do you know if she's seeing someone, a counsellor for reproductive matters?"

"I don't. I'll check our accounts to see if there are any bills."

"How forceful are you when you wish to make love to her? Do you come across as dictating your sex life hence, her body, her decision?"

"I've never forced myself on her. If I tried to instigate and she said she was tired but would love a cuddle, that's what we did. On occasion she might say, "fuck me, you haven't had it in a while, just take your pleasure. I refused more often than accepted. In truth, it's very restricted, what she will allow. Even if I did something I could see she really enjoyed, she said she didn't.

"I asked her to consider counselling, couples' retreats to see if we could get back to what we had where we could speak about anything. We don't agree on everything but our discussions while they could be passionate were amicable.

"The communication went downhill fast due to a big business deal which took a lot of time but I made sure she knew the end result would be us being able to spend more time together." I added sadly, "Probably not what she wanted to hear!"

"How are you feeling about recent events?"

"I'm angry. I'm angry at myself for not being able to get across to her how she is hurting us with what she is doing. I'm angry she doesn't accept that by having affairs, she will destroy our marriage. I told her I wouldn't accept adultery in marriage long before we were married."

"If she was here now what would you say to her?"

"I'd ask her for the whole truth. I'd want to see her eyes and body language to ensure she was telling the truth. I know what she may say will hurt but lies will cause even more pain. With the truth revealed, we can decide what the future may hold."

"If she says, she was trying to jolt you, hasn't had an affair, can you go on together?"

"I don't know. There's just so much I don't know. She's done some things which have humiliated me and made me wonder who she is. I'd need to know her reasoning for what she did. If it was malice, I don't think we could be together."

"If she says, she has had an affair, what would you do?"

"I think that leaves me with no option but divorce. I can't live wondering if she's late, who's she fucking? What disease could she give me? She agreed with me about that before we were married."

"How long have you been married?"

"We've been together fourteen years, married for twelve."

"Have you had affairs? A successful businessman, you'll have had offers."

"Oh, I've had offers, some even in front of Dorothy but I have refused everyone. My mum May had affairs and it drove my dad to drink. He was drunk when he crashed and killed himself. She's never admitted her part in his death. We don't have much to do with each other."

"You said, your sex life was poor. How adventurous was your sex life before it stopped?"

"It was fairly basic, to be honest. I'd suggest a bit of roleplay, a hooker, a date but she didn't want that. I'd try what she wanted. It didn't happen often but I reasoned, it was worth the effort. She liked to tie me up and edge me until I had to cum. If I suggested that I reciprocate, she didn't defrost for at least a fortnight."

"Blowjobs, anal, other rooms, outside, in view of others?"

"None of those. To give you some perspective, the last two Fridays are the only times she has gone out without a bra on to my knowledge. If I suggested she buy a lacy or satin bra, sensual knickers, I could have dropped dead from her look. Her underwear was more suited to a grandmother. In fact, most grandmothers probably had more sensual stuff."

"Did you ever buy her more sensual lingerie?"

"At first but she never wore it. Our bedroom would be colder than a freezer for weeks."

"If your marriage can be saved, would you like her to join us on a journey to have a better sex life?"

"I would but I don't see her going for it."

"Okay, we'll take baby steps. For the moment I would like to hypnotise you to enable you to relax better. It will take a few sessions of it to really make a difference. The technique is to try to relax you so you are in control. You'll be able to manage this yourself with practice. I'll also speak about how to keep the anger down." She laughed, "I won't have you running around like a chicken when Belinda shouts at you."

I laughed. I thought I couldn't be hypnotised but she did. When I was under it she explained to me how to relax, let anger go and chill. It wasn't perfect but I did feel better.

As the session was about to end, Sarah said, "Love and anger are two sides of the same coin in many ways. The anger you are feeling is due to the depth of love you have for Dorothy. Spend some time doing what we have discussed to try and reduce your anger. If you can do that, solutions which are not nuclear, may come to you.

"We'll meet again on Thursday. Belinda gave me your schedule and options she could change if necessary."

I laughed, "If I wasn't there Belinda would run the company better than me."

Sarah nodded, "She said that!" We both laughed.

I was at the apartment, making a major decision, takeaway or eat out, when my phone went. It was Belinda.

"Hi, did you survive?"

She laughed, "I'm not sure. She was very nice but obviously pissed off at you. She went ballistic when she went to pay. I did pay.

"There was a lot of chat which I will need to update you on. I can come to the apartment."

I laughed when she mentioned Dorothy going ballistic, "Belinda, you have had a very long day. Unless there is an earthshattering element, it can wait until tomorrow. We can close my door and discuss it.

"Thank you for Sarah. She was as you described. I've been flayed and soothed."

Belinda laughed, "Okay. There wasn't anything which exposed what she was doing. I do think she loves you and you have surprised her by your actions. See you tomorrow."

After eating in, I checked our accounts. There were a series of transactions which didn't make sense. I couldn't find their name anywhere. I would have my investigative people track those down. It could be the counselling Sarah mentioned.

I looked further back and saw the medical clinic bills. I'd add those to Sarah's information. I doubted they would say what had happened. I did check their website. It was a gynaecology/fertility clinic.

Belinda and I discussed her meeting with Dorothy. Belinda admitted she had said how cut up I was over her tattoo and that Mike and the tattooist had seen so much of her. There were several phrases which Dorothy repeated which made little sense.

I hadn't spoken to Dorothy. She had managed to persuade my mum to call me. It wasn't a good call. Mum told me that Dorothy had needs I wasn't meeting. She didn't like me reminding her how when she went outside her marriage to address her needs, she fucked her husband so much he drank himself to death. I wouldn't allow that to happen to me. If Dorothy has needs I can't provide, she can accept the divorce and move on. She can fuck who she likes after.

The week went slowly or quickly, depending on what I was doing. I had more information for Sarah.

Unbeknown to me, Belinda had given Sarah more of the story than she gave me.

When I saw Sarah, I gave her a folder with what my team had learned. There was no further information on the gynaecology clinic but their site showed they investigated reproductive health. The other strange recurring bills turned out to be a counsellor who specialised in empowering women to take control of their lives. Her building had a great deal of security as many partners of her clients objected to her methods. It appears she breaks more marriages than she fixes.

Sarah studied the contents for a few minutes. She didn't look pleased.

She looked at me and spoke sadly, "I can make a working hypothesis but to confirm that I would need a couple of things which I suspect you may not like.

"If I assume Dorothy had her reproductive health checked, if it came back positive, she would assume, you have a problem. We can confirm or repudiate this if you have tests yourself.

"This other counsellor and I don't agree on much. I dislike her attitude to men and how it damages her clients' relationships. There are a number of complaints outstanding against her at our registry which I'm sure your investigators have found. I believe she should lose her licence.

"This clinic, which doesn't have the best of reputations, often send females there. I would suggest your wife gets retested at another facility. It would be good if perhaps you can invite her to the same one as you so you both are tested at the same time. Say you're concerned that your troubles started when she was involved with the other clinic.

"The second part, I need to know more about your relationship. Did you acquiesce to whatever Dorothy wanted? Did you do stuff for her rather than what you wished to do? Could she have misconstrued what you did as weakness instead of love?"

I thought for a few moments, "I suppose I did overcompensate for not being there by agreeing to most of the things Dorothy wanted. She picked the holidays which were seldom any of the ones I suggested when we discussed our plans. I accepted what restaurant she wanted, the hotel. I only dug my heels in when she suggested we take my mother with us."

Sarah smiled, "On Monday, you said you never forced yourself on Dorothy? Did you never try to get her to be more adventurous, dirty even?"

I laughed, "I did try but the frozen north was warmer so I stopped. She seldom drinks much but on occasion when she had, I was even allowed to eat her to several orgasms and I did once touch her rosebud. She slapped me."

Sarah smiled, "Belinda was confused by what Dorothy said. This counsellor spurts this shit.

"In business you are successful, you have earned respect from many not only for your expertise but also as you treat people well. At home, Dorothy may see you as subservient to her as you acquiesce to her all the time. This counsellor will have played on that and told her to take control of you. The teasing with others, the denial of sex, her behaviour with Mike and the others.

"She repeatedly told Belinda this was the first time you have said no to her. She wasn't expecting that. She expected you to roll over and allow her to have her way.

"Now she may love you and believes she's doing this for love. I have an idea in my mind how it was presented to her, but I'd need to speak with her.

"Can you arrange those tests for both of you and have her come with you next week? I know you will not be happy but it will clarify her action quickly."

I thought for a long time. Sarah gave me the time as she knew it was a very difficult decision.

I spoke firmly, "I can, I think, see what you suspect. I know I can't go on like this. I'll speak with her. I don't know what she'll say but if necessary, I'll ensure she knows without her co-operation, divorce will be the only option.

"I have to say the thought of those tests scare me."

Sarah smiled, "I'd be surprised if you weren't. It's a big step. The thought that you might be the one with a reproductive problem is a hard one for anyone to take. I suspect with that clinic, it's not as cut and dried as that. Hopefully, the tests will confirm my suspicions that both of you are healthy, just need to reduce your stress levels about it."

We spent the rest of the session on my mental health wellbeing. She finished with more hypnotherapy. I was certainly more relaxed. I was managing to work on it slightly when alone.

I returned to my office which took Belinda off guard. I explained what Sarah wanted and needed to see if it could be arranged. Belinda sent me for the coffees as she researched the laboratories. She was speaking with someone when I came back.

She smiled, "Tomorrow at 10.30am. The results will be ready in 72 hours. You'll need to confirm to them that you authorise them telling Sarah the results. She'll have them for your 4pm appointment."

I nodded, I was like a bloody dog, nodding all the time, "Sarah wants Dorothy there."

I felt like I imagined a condemned man must have felt heading to the gallows. I needed to speak with Dorothy.

I called her. It rang until voicemail. I hate voicemail. I spoke slowly, "Dorothy, I've given some thought to what started all this. It was that bloody gynaecology clinic you went to. I've researched them, they are charlatans. Belinda has arranged an appointment for both of us to be tested with a reputable organisation for tomorrow at 10.30am. I hope you will come with me. You can call me or Belinda to confirm or not."

I wasn't expecting her to answer so if I didn't hear, I would have mine done for my own piece of mind.

Belinda surprised me with a hug. "Jeremy, don't think the worst. The stress you were both under could have caused any problem. How do you think I schedule your time so you go to the gym and Ian makes sure you work out hard? To reduce that stress. As you've said, the new business is working well. You can take a step back. Have that holiday in Croatia or Madeira or both."

I laughed, "Belinda, you can't fool me. Sarah told me you told her you can run this business better than me. I might take you up on that. The only problem you would have is replacing you."

She smiled, her eyes laughing, "Oh, I've my eye on my replacement. I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't."

Her phone went, "It's Dorothy," she said quietly. She walked to her office. I only heard the beginning, "Hi Dorothy, I'm making my way to my office so we won't be overheard."

I stayed in my office out of the way. I knew Belinda would tell me what the outcome was. When she did, I'd head to the gym. I was stressed.

Belinda came back in, she was smiling. After twenty minutes on the phone to Dorothy, I thought she would be spitting blood and demanding a bloody big raise.

She spoke firmly, "She wasn't for doing this. I told her you were undergoing counselling and the therapist asked you both to have it done by a reputable clinic. You felt it was a big part of what has caused you to split up. By having the tests together, the results together, you can address the outcome together.

"She finally agreed but you have to pick her up. She doesn't have fuel for her car as all her cards have been cancelled or reached their limit. I think the freezer is taking a hit as she can't afford the shops. You will get it in the neck for that tomorrow. She let slip she had to cancel her therapist as she couldn't pay.

"I told her, you'd take her to meet yours so you would both hear the results together for the first time. She didn't like that until I told her I'd arranged the therapist and she was recognised as the best in marriage counselling by far. Some other counsellors sold an abusive relationship, she just works on the love the couple have for each other. If she can't fix you, assuming you want fixed, nothing can fix you."

I thanked Belinda and left. I had a lot to think about though the one thing I didn't want to think about was what was foremost in my mind. I realised I couldn't remember the last time I wanked. Would I fill a big specimen tub or just a dribble? I went to the gym where Ian made sure I worked out hard.

As I struggled for breath, I asked, "Does Belinda pay you more for torturing me?"

He laughed, "No, it's just a perk of the job!"

I laughed. After I finished he took me to his office.

"Jeremy, these are your results. When you started eight months ago to now. Until this last fortnight, your blood pressure has been going down. It's up slightly but nothing to what it was before. Your body mass index is down from problematic to good. You've lost twenty-one pounds even as you built up more muscle. You took the bleep test and went eighteen more runs. The lung capacity is up. Cardiac levels are very good.

"If you had blood tests before you started and repeated them now, I'm sure your levels will have improved drastically. I'd expect them to be in the good to great range. All that work has had a major improvement in your body and I dare say your mind as physical health is linked to mental health.

I looked them over. He wasn't lying.

"Ian, I can't thank you enough. I can see where I was headed. You've made me far better than I've ever been. How can I repay you?"

Ian looked at me, "Jeremy, there are many people waiting on SNHS sponsored physical therapy. The poorest seldom access it due to cost. We have the ability to offer it to many here, without charge. It wouldn't interfere with any of our staff or classes."