Cassie's Choice Ch. 03

When I wake up the next morning, Jess is gone. She must have gotten up early and left without waking me. I get out of bed and go to the kitchen. I open the fridge and grab a carton of orange juice. While I'm standing there, drinking my juice, I hear footsteps behind me. I turn around and see Cassie leaning against the counter. She's wearing only a t-shirt and panties.

"Good morning," she says. "Long night?"

"Yeah," I reply. "It was pretty crazy."

"I bet," she says. "What happened?"

"Nothing too exciting," I reply. "Just went out with a friend last night."

"Friend? Or girlfriend?"

"I don't know," I reply.

Cassie laughs and shakes her head.

"It's okay," she replies. "I figured as much. You two seemed pretty close yesterday."

"It's complicated," I say.

"Well," she says. "You seem to love complicated."

She walks up to me and wraps her arms around my waist. She kisses me and cups my breasts in her hands.

"I can't do this," I say.

"Why not?" she asks.

I shake my head and turn away from her.

"Look at me," she pleads.

I turn around and look into her eyes.

"I'm in love with you," she says.

My heart skips a beat and I feel my cheeks flush.

"You're full of shit."

"No, I'm serious," she insists. "Since the day we met," she says. "I knew from the moment I saw you that I wanted to be with you. That's why I did those things with you."

"So, what? You're a lesbian now or something?"

"I'm not gay."

"Then what are you?" I ask.

"I don't know," she says. "But I want to be with you."

Cassie's words sound sincere, but I can't believe that I'm hearing them. I'm confused and angry at the same time. I push her away and walk towards my bedroom.

She follows me and grabs me by the shoulders.

"Lottie," she begs. "You have to listen to me. I love you and I don't want to lose you."

"How can you say that?" I demand. "You broke things off to be with him. You ended things with me and then went right back to him."

"That's not true," she says. "I love you and I've never loved anyone else. Not Noah. Not anyone. Ever since the first time I saw you, its been you."

I shake my head and step away from her.

"That's a lie," I insist.

She tries to grab me again, but I push her away and storm into my bedroom. I shut the door and sit down on my bed. Cassie knocks on the door before deciding to come in.

"I really love you," she says putting her arm around me. "I don't want anything to come between us."

I try to push her away, but she holds on tight.

"Why do you always have to fight me?" she asks. "Can't we just talk about this like two mature people?"

"I'm not in the mood," I reply.

"Tell me how you really feel," she says. "Don't hold anything back."

"I hate you," I say. "You hurt me and I don't understand what you're doing here. What is your game?"

"My game?" she asks. "I'm not playing any games."

"Telling me you're going to move in with Noah? That you're going to marry him someday." I ask. "And then come crawling back to me. I thought you were done with me."

"I told you I was confused," she replies. "I wasn't lying."

She kisses my cheek and sits on the bed beside me. She places her arm around my neck and pulls me into a hug. I push her away and stand up.

"What do you want from me?" I demand.

"Your love," she replies.

"Bullshit," I reply.

"I know that look," she says. "You're pissed at me and you don't even understand why."

"I don't understand why you're here," I reply.

"I came to apologize," she says. "I didn't mean to upset you. I just wanted to tell you how I felt."

"And yet, you lied to me and dumped me."

"I didn't dump you," she insists. "I just had to figure things out."

"Figure things out?" I snort. "You ended things with me and started having sex with your boyfriend. That's not figuring things out."

"It doesn't matter," she says. "All that matters is that I've realized how much I love you and I don't want to lose you."

"You never lost me," I say. "You just decided to play both of us because you're a horrible person."

"I'm sorry," she says.

"You're sorry, huh?"

She nods and looks down. I shake my head and start to pace around my bedroom.

"I don't understand why you're doing this," I say. "You're such a fucking bitch."

"I'm not a bitch," she replies. "I'm trying to be honest with you."

"You think telling me how much you love me makes what you did okay?"

"I don't know," she says. "Why can't you just tell me how to make it better?"

"Sure, I'll help you out," I say. "Here's what you're going to do. You're going to pack up all your shit and move out."

"I can't just leave," she protests.

"Yes, you can," I reply. "You're not living here anymore."

"Then where am I supposed to go?" she asks.

"With your boyfriend," I reply. "Because he's who you chose."

Cassie seems stunned by my response.

"You don't mean that," she says.

"I do," I reply.

She stands up from the bed and walks towards the door before pausing. She turns around and looks at me. Her eyes are wide, and her face is flushed.

"Fuck you, Charlotte."

She leaves my room and slams the door shut behind her. I sit down on my bed and rest my head in my hands. I just want to cry. I hate myself and I hate Cassie. I just want to forget everything that happened between us.

***

The next few weeks are hard for me. I spend most of my time in my bedroom alone and I rarely go anywhere. I don't answer my phone and I avoid seeing anyone if I can help it. I ignore the emails from my advisor on a paper and I delete the messages from Jess. I don't want to see her or talk to her, especially after what happened. I don't want her to see me like this.

Eventually, I receive a text from Cassie. She tells me that her brother will come for the rest of her stuff by the end of the week. We haven't spoken since that night. I don't respond to her text message.

It's Saturday afternoon when I finally get the nerve to answer my phone. It's Jess.

"Hey," she says.

"Hi," I reply.

"Are you mad at me?" she asks.

"Of course, I'm mad at you," I say.

"Did I do something wrong?"

"Everything you do is wrong," I reply.

"Oh," she says. "Well, you're being extremely immature right now."

There's silence on the other end of the line. It feels awkward.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asks. "Is it about what happened with Cassie?"

"No," I say. "It has nothing to do with Cassie. It has to do with you."

"Okay," she says. "What's going on?"

"I don't know," I reply. "I just want you to leave me alone."

"So you're going to act like a child and not talk to me."

"I'm not acting like a child," I say. "I just don't want to see you or speak with you ever again."

"Well, if that's how you feel," she says.

She hangs up and I immediately call her back, but she doesn't pick up. I leave her a voicemail asking her to meet with me, but I don't get a response. She ignores my texts and calls.

Finally, I give up.

It's the following Monday when Cassie's brother shows up. I'm sitting in my room, studying for an upcoming test. I'm so focused on my books that I barely notice him at first. He knocks once before coming inside. When I look up, he's standing in front of me, looking uncomfortable.

He looks like his sister. They have the same blonde hair and blue eyes. His is darker than hers, though. He's also several inches taller than her.

"I'm sorry to bother you," he says. "I just came by to pick up the rest of Cassie's things."

"Yeah, sure," I reply. "Come on in."

I gesture toward her room and he nods before walking over to the door.

"Is there anything else you need?" I ask.

"No, thank you," he says.

I watch as he walks through the door and closes it behind him. I go back to my room and lock the door. Then I grab my laptop and open it up. I stare at the screen for a while before shutting it off. I pace around my room for a few minutes before deciding to take a shower.

I don't know how long I'm in the bathroom, but I return to find a letter on my desk. I pick it up and read it.

Dear Lottie,

It's been a few days since I left you and I know I hurt you badly. I'm terribly sorry for that, but I also know that I have some explaining to do. I want to start by apologizing one more time. I shouldn't have told you that. I was just scared. You know my parents are religious, and because of that I never even imagined the possibility of being with a woman. All of that changed when I met you. I fell in love with you instantly and it scared me. At first, I thought it was just sex. I really wanted it to be just sex. I had no idea that it would only make me fall for you even more.

I really tried to keep our relationship casual, but I couldn't stop thinking about you. Whenever I closed my eyes, it was always you I saw. It was exhilarating and it felt so wrong, but so right too. I knew I needed to tell you how I felt. The problem was that I didn't know how. I've never even considered women as anything more than friends. But from the moment you kissed me and I knew I wanted more.

When I realized what I felt for you, I freaked out. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to act. I was terrified. I didn't know if I could have a real relationship with someone like you. I didn't know if you felt the same way. So I panicked and said those things to you to scare you away. I've regretted my actions every single day since then.

I didn't want to leave you, but I had to. If I stayed with you, I wouldn't have been able to control myself. I was afraid you'd run out of patience with me. I didn't want you to think that I was incapable of keeping my distance. I still want to be with you, but I know you hate me right now.

I never meant to hurt you. I loved you from the very beginning. I just wasn't ready to admit it yet. I promise I'll leave you alone. I won't contact you or try to contact you again. I just want you to know that I still care about you. Even if we're apart, I'll always love you. I'm sorry for everything that happened.

Love,

Cassie