All Comments on 'Celebrity Snowbunny Club Pt. 02'

This is some of the best BBC writing I've read recently.

If you were going to do more, I think Margot and Anya getting bred would be perfect. If you want someone new though, Sydney Sweeney looks perfect for breeding.

Great story and glad you appreciated the notes! I sent you a message with some more helpful insight. Keep it up!

@TinyTim_ Hey, I don't think I got your message. Where exactly did you send it?

Check your email (the one linked to your account) sent you message through "contact" on your profile page. This site is so archaic it doesn't even have an inbox lol. You'll have an an email from this website that says a user sent you message. If you don't see it (check spam of course), let me know and I'll send feedback in the comments instead.

I sent it to you again through the contact feature, but just in case I'll comment here.

First off I loved the second part of the story. You did a great job and I have some notes if you don’t mind. I also hope you’re not taking any offense to my comments. I’m just offering feedback that I hope is useful to you and other readers/writers.

So this part right here:

*******She made eye contact with the man and decided to entice him a little bit. She winked and squeezed one of her boobs through her shirt. She strutted her way to him swaying her curvy body to feast his eyes upon, Godfrey right behind her. She takes a seat next to him, and he was about to say something before she interrupts.

"No, I'm not gonna pull your pants down and slam this perfect white ass on that big black dick of yours, okay?" she states. "Instead I have a proposition: you're gonna initiate one of our new, hopefully, bunnies."

She takes out her phone and shows him a few pictures of her. The patron raises an eyebrow still eyeing the naked Queen, one of the three QOS Queens of this entire club. Their rulers. This was their kingdom. He listens to what Emilia had to say and leans over to look at the photo.

"Mmm. I love myself a slim mousy looking white girl. I'm gonna turn her into a mess for you, Queenie don't you worry about it. I'mma make her call my name by the end of tonight," he brags and downs one last shot of whiskey for some liquid courage.

"Well, you are right. She is quite shy from what I've heard. So be gentle with her, will you?"

"Whatever you say, my queen. I like the look of her. She can't beat your looks though." The patron smirks as he lays more unwanted flattery onto Emilia but he inwardly shudders when he feels Godfrey's eyes on him from afar.****************

I had difficultly following. You had Emilia approach Margot. You had Margot go get dressed. What I found hard to follow was, the woman doing all this action, was it Emilia or Margot. Try to refain from using she and her, and use the characters name. For instance, “Emilia made eye contact with the man.” Now I know that Margot got up and went to get dressed, and Emilia is approaching the stranger. Another example is during the sex scene, you keep saying, she she she she and he he he he. Don’t be afraid to use the character’s name every so often. Remind us the reader, who she or he is. Especially since this is in the Celebrity category, you want to make sure you’re laying it on who the celebrity is. Think of it this way. Every full paragraph name drop the people in the scene. Just something simple like “Emilia then took his huge black cock up her ass, wincing at the slight pain. She yelped but blah blah blah.”

Other than that, the rest of the story was great. I would have liked to hear more about Maisie being a snowbunny but that’s me. While on GoT actresses, Bella Ramsey is 19, just saying, hint hint lol. Also this is just me, I like the idea of the women being at risk of being knocked up, and having black babies. Not everyone’s kink, but me, yeah I enjoy black bred.

Celebrity suggestion: Iman Vellani (Ms. Marvel), Lindsey Stirling (Musician), Jamie Chung (actress), Harley Quinn Smith (actress), Olivia Munn (actress) Gal Gadot (Wonder Woman). I could go on but won’t. Just know if you ever need influencers/online personalities for future entries, I have a list too haha.

Again please don’t take this personally I just want to help, wasn’t calling you out or anything. Feel free to message me or e-mail me with questions, things to run by, etc.

There's a million times that quotations/dialogue end(s), but it NEVER started!!!