Chastity - A Female Perspective

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Author's note: although this contains erotic material, it is more of a discussion about chastity, especially as practised within marriage. Please do not be disappointed at the lack of hardcore erotica

I've long been interested in chastity. Why couples or individuals would want to practice it. What happens when one half of a couple wants to practice it and the other doesn't. It's not much of a thing in the UK, but when on holiday in the U.S.A. I sought out people involved in the chastity movement. One woman in particular - I'll call her Annie - gave me a detailed and articulate account of her journey, which I've done my best to replicate here. I hope it will be of interest.

Annie is a fine-looking well-built woman in her early forties. She has an air of self-confidence, of knowing her own mind

'Thank you,' she said, when I told her. 'But it wasn't always that way. My husband and I married young. He was very highly sexed - I thought I was too - you were supposed to be back in those days - but I couldn't begin to keep up with him. I tried. I was flattered by his desire for me, and I wanted to please him. But it took only a year or two for me to realise that I really did not want to have sex day in day out. But my husband was always so persuasive - it was generally easier to open my legs for him and let him have what he wanted than to say no.

So things continued until, aged thirty, I gave birth to our first child. It was a difficult birth, I was sore for a long time afterwards and - as any new mother will know - exhausted. Sex was the last thing on my mind. My husband tried to be understanding, but he has his needs too, and so, when I didn't fall asleep the moment my head hit the pillow I would sometimes give him hand relief.

My husband hoped that in time I would recover my appetite for sex. In reality it had been in decline for years, and I never recovered what little I'd had. Two years later we had our second child, and after another period of soreness and exhaustion we tried to resume sexual relations. But my heart was not in it. I had sex out of a sense of duty to my husband - but I had come to resent what I now regarded as 'being messed about with'. I was much happier giving him hand relief and being left alone.

I'd been brought up a Christian, but had lapsed from any active participation. Now I began to get involved in my local church again. This church had a chastity group, and out of interest I went along. I had had a somewhat prejudiced view of such groups. I thought of them as populated by Puritan killjoys who disapproved of sex. In fact it was a revelation. I met a number of women, mostly middle-aged or older, whose experience was very similar to my own. They had husbands or partners. They had children. They had had an active sex life. Now they had lost all interest in sex. They wanted a complete break from sex. They wanted to be left alone.

When I heard these women express almost exactly what I felt but had been unable to put into words I felt an immediate kinship. I felt they understood me and I understood them. I told them how things were for me. They listened sympathetically, they welcomed and embraced me - and they told me that unless I followed my inclinations to cease having sex I would be doing violence to myself.

My husband, they told me, had had a good innings. Now it was time to put my own needs first.

When I told my husband I wanted to take up chastity he cried. He said our marriage would be over. The women at the chastity group had warned me he would probably take it like this and advised me what to say. So I assured him that I still loved him, that this didn't mean I wanted to break up our home, and that I wasn't trying to punish him. He had done nothing wrong. This was about me and my needs. I told him I just couldn't go on having sex. He asked: what about him? He couldn't do without.

The chastity group consisted of about fifteen women and three men. The men were all older than my husband, and were quite happy to share what they called the new adventure of chastity with their wives. Their view (and that of the group in general) was that chastity was liberating. By freeing up all the energy that used to go into sex, they had more energy for other projects.

But what of the women in the group? How had they convinced, or pacified, their reluctant husbands?

There were two schools of thought. About half the women believed that chastity was absolute: that once she had committed herself to chastity a woman should engage in no sexual practises whatsoever. Their husbands just had to accept that and get over it.

The other school of thought was that such an uncompromising view was a little hard on husbands, who after all had not asked to be in a chaste relationship. The view was that it was OK for a wife to satisfy her husband's need for sexual release by means of hand relief. As long as the woman was not sexually involved, her commitment to chastity was not compromised.

I took a long hard look at these two factions. And I observed that most of the women who took the latter view were still in seemingly happy marriages. Whereas the women who took the more uncompromising view were mostly separated from their husbands, and had become embittered and hostile to men.

I told my husband I understood his need for sexual release just as he must understand my need to be chaste. I told him that - provided he did not try to mess with me sexually - I would be happy to give him hand relief. I made it clear that of course we could still have cuddles, of course I still wanted affection. But I would not accept him trying to arouse me sexually or trying to touch my sexual parts. He could cuddle me - but my breasts and between my legs were out of bounds. He grumbled a bit, but I had inadvertently been clever. At first he had thought he would be getting no more sex. Now, against that sexual void, hand relief did not seem too bad an option. Whereas if I'd told him from the outset he would only get hand relief, that would have seemed pretty devastating to him.

He still complained. But I told him in no uncertain terms it was hand relief or nothing. Offer any man a choice between hand relief and nothing and he will take the hand relief!

For the first few days after my decision to embrace chastity there was constraint between us in bed. Then, on the fourth or fifth night he rolled over to hug me, and I felt his erection against my bottom.

'Can we make love?' he said softly.

I turned to him:

'Have you not been listening to a thing I've been telling you?' I said

'I was hoping you didn't mean it' he said. 'Or hoping you'd change your mind.'

'That's not going to happen,' I said. 'I've told you what's on offer.'

He sighed, turned onto his back, took my hand and placed it on his penis

I turned to him, made a bit of a tent under the bedcovers with my body, and did what I'd promised.

After that I have to say my husband got the message surprisingly quickly. It was some time before he tried to persuade me to make love again. Instead, whenever he had an erection, he would simply ask me to give him hand relief, and I obliged him. The women at the chastity group were impressed. Several said it had taken their husbands months to accept the new regime.

I can't tell you how much happier life was for me. I was so much more relaxed, knowing I could get into bed and would not be groped, fingered, generally mauled about or have my husband wheedling or badgering me for sex. More than that: I felt purged - clean. Does that sound weird? I don't mean I think sex is necessarily dirty. Put it like this: imagine you have been overstuffing yourself with food for many years. Eventually your body is going to rebel. You want to purge yourself, to purify yourself, to detoxify. That's the word: detoxify. And once you realise how much better your new regime makes you feel, you will never want to backslide.

Occasionally my husband would ask if I'd changed my mind - he knew the answer before I gave it. And once he asked if I thought we would ever have intercourse again. I did not encourage him with false hope. I told him straight, those days were over and it was not going to happen. He sighed, took my hand and placed it on his penis.

To his credit he also came to some of the chastity group meetings. He said he wanted to hear other women's experiences. He was welcomed there, and he came away saying he had a much better understanding of women's needs in the matter of chastity. I think it helped him, to realise my needs were not so strange or unusual. And that these other women who had committed themselves to chastity were not some strange species: they were ordinary women just like me, like women he might meet socially or at work.

He started meeting up with some of the husbands too. I don't know in detail what they talked about, but I'm sure they shared their thoughts on how they came to terms with the move from intercourse to hand relief. I think it helped him to know he wasn't singled out, that there were other men in his situation.

It is now seven years since I made the decision to practise chastity. Our marriage is happy and we have a healthy, loving family. Frankly, if I'd gone on having sex with my husband against my wishes and desires I do not think this would be the case. You could even say that chastity has saved our marriage.

What else can I help with? Frequency - yes. There is some debate about this (as about most things when you get a group of people together). There are some women amongst the group (the hardliners refer to us as The Handy Girls, though it's a bit of a joke as none of us will see forty again) who restrict their husbands to one or perhaps two occasions of hand relief a week. They believe that even if their husbands will not follow them into total chastity they should at least take a few steps towards abstinence. Other women are happy to go along with their husbands' needs, provided they don't go in for over-indulgence. Myself, I have never had a problem. My husband gets hand relief on average two or three times a week. I am comfortable with this. I suppose, if he became obsessed by hand relief and wanted it daily I would have to impose a restriction. But that is not the case.

Have I ever given him oral relief? Absolutely not! This would be invasive - completely against the spirit and practice of chastity. No, I like to keep his release at arms length - literally and metaphorically! Nor is he allowed to relive himself against any other part of my body. Which reminds me - there was one occasion. It was years ago. I was falling asleep, he was pressing against me from behind, I really didn't want to wake myself up to deal with him - and he lost control of himself and messed over my thigh. I was cross and upset. He'd used my body as a source of his sexual gratification, which was totally against the rules. The following day I went to one of my new friends and told her what had happened. She said I should forgive him one lapse, but should make it clear it was not to happen again. So I told him it was to be total abstinence for a month. Well, I say total abstinence - I can't stop him masturbating. Though the speed with which he emptied himself when his month was up and I consented to relieve him again made me wonder if he really had abstained. He certainly felt guilty about what he'd done, so he might have felt he had to do penance.

Do I undress for him when I give him hand relief? No. Part of the point of chastity is to get away from seeing one's body as sexual. And that includes the body as a source of sexual arousal to someone else. Of course we're usually in bed, where I'm wearing my nightdress, so I can't say I'm always totally covered up. And I don't make a point of covering myself in the house. Why should I? He has to learn that naked doesn't mean sexual. But I never deliberately flaunt my body for him to arouse himself over. Sometimes he likes to call out to me when he's in the bath - I think the hot water stimulates him. Then I'm fully dressed, and all I do is roll up my sleeves before giving him relief. I actually prefer doing it when he's in the bath, as it doesn't leave mess on the sheets.

You say my language is clinical - I never talk about him cumming for example. Yes, that is deliberate. Look: my husband will tell you hand relief is a source of pleasure to him, and I wouldn't set this at nothing. But primarily it is functional. A man produces semen, and that has to be released. Otherwise it will just escape in his sleep. I try to avoid all the sexual slang, and keep his hand relief grounded in the language of biology and physiology - if you like, of function. That's why all the women at the chastity group use the term Hand Relief, never handjob, and talk about a man's release, or possibly his ejaculation, not about cumming. It's the same with body parts - I always refer to his penis, not the slang terms, and if ever he wanted to refer to my vagina, that's the term he would use, I don't allow 'pussy' or any other sexualised alternatives.

I don't talk to him much when I'm giving him hand relief. But sometimes he likes a bit of encouragement. When I think back to the things I said in the old days before I made my commitment to chastity they make me cringe. 'Let's give those balls a good squeeze and see you cum for me.' Ugh. Now I might say something like 'you seem on edge as though you need to empty yourself, come on, lie back and I'll relieve you' - something of that nature.

Do I have any advice for other couples contemplating chastity? Yes, certainly.

To women I say: if you are having sex when you would rather not be having sex, you are doing violence to yourself. If you are called to chastity, you must follow that calling. (And it really can be a calling, as powerful as a religious calling) Seek out like-minded others. Read about chastity online (though be careful - for some people chastity is just a sexual fetish) Seek out Christian sites and read the testimonials of people who have embraced chastity. And when you tell your husband of your decision (and it is your decision, and not for him to talk you out of it) make sure you reassure him that it does not mean you no longer love him. You never know: your husband might surprise you. I know of at least one husband who greeted his wife's intention to practise chastity with relief. He himself had only been going through the motions of intercourse because he thought it was what his wife wanted.

To men I say: your initial reaction is likely to be: but what about me? But this is not about you. Try to understand your wife's point of view. Try to empathise with her. Marriage is about compromise, yes. But your wife won't have come to her decision overnight. Chances are she has been compromising herself for your benefit for years. Now it is your turn to accommodate her. Listen without judging. Your marriage is not over. The change will be hard at first. But with time you can reach new depths of love, acceptance and understanding.

Do I get pleasure from giving my husband hand relief? Yes. Not in the sense of sexual arousal. But it pleases me that I can bring happiness to my husband. When he lies back, when I take his erect penis in my hands, I watch the expression on his face, I see the mixture of joy and release when I relieve him, and I watch the relaxation spread through his body. Often, before I let go of his penis, he closes his hand over mine and says: 'Thank you - you're an Angel.' That makes me very happy.