Clara

The whole time I was practicing all of these things, he had another lady come in to teach me 'social graces', which basically meant never saying what you wanted to and only saying small, agreeable words.

Four months in, we found out I was pregnant and Henry was so incredibly happy, telling everyone and making announcements, coming up with names.

He was always doting and sweet, but he became overly solicitous then as well. He hardly let me lift a finger at all.

He also brought in what they all called a midwife.

"I would prefer to have Thaddeus," I told him softly, not liking the way the woman talked to me. "He seemed to know more about what he was talking about when he was taking care of Kristina."

Henry's face had gone cold and he pressed his lips together. "Julia is very good at what she does, she delivered me and many other babies, Clara."

I nodded at him and let the woman tell me all of her seemingly silly advice.

When I was six months along, I lost the baby.

I was heartbroken, but Henry held me and took care of me and kept my mind on other things, bringing me out of my misery. He was truly good to me, so incredibly loving and sweet. He also made my nights heaven and I loved getting lost in his bed and being held to sleep all night.

Still, my heart secretly ached for Thaddeus. My quiet, reserved, sweet Thaddeus, the smartest man in the world. The man who had saved me.

Seven months passed, then I found I was pregnant again and I was happy about it, but also nervous. Henry was not as he made announcements again and talked over names with me. Again, I asked for Thaddeus, but Henry told me no and Julia came in with her ridiculous advice. I followed it to the letter, but I lost the babe when I was only four months along.

The next one I made it to five months before I lost him.

When I discovered I was pregnant again, I begged Henry for Thaddeus, but he still refused. This time, I did nothing Julia told me to do at all and I made it to seven months before I lost her.

I became despondent, Henry hardly able to make me get out of bed at all.

"I heard her cry," I told Henry with a sob. "She was alive for a bit! Thaddeus would have known what to do to keep her alive!"

"She was too small, my love! No one could have saved her!"

"He would have! He went to college to learn all about those things! Julia didn't, she just learned how to birth a baby from her mother and started doing it for other people! She doesn't even have a child of her own, she's never been through it at all!"

"Obviously he hasn't either," Henry scowled.

"But he went to school! He knows everything! Please, Henry! If I lose another I won't be able to live anymore!"

"My love! Don't say that, please!" Henry cried, hugging me to his chest as I sobbed brokenly.

Three short months later, I was pregnant again and I was ecstatic when Henry brought Thaddeus in instead of Julia. I beamed at him and he smiled his gentle smile and took my hand.

"Hello, Clara," he murmured gently. "You are looking lovely."

"Thank you, Thaddeus," I smiled. "I've missed you so much! Obviously Dodger has as well," I smiled as Dodger scrambled to him and climbed up to hug him.

"He's grown!" Thaddeus smiled, his gentle eyes smiling too.

Thad checked me over and held a cold disc of metal to my bare belly, putting tubes in his ears to listen. I'd seen him do the same to Kristina.

"May I ask what that is?" I asked softly.

He looked at me and his smile seemed sad. "You've changed, haven't you?" he asked, his eyes full of loss. "You've lost your naivete and become more reserved and..."

"Genteel?" I asked ruefully.

He gave a small nod, still smiling sadly.

"Some things haven't changed," I told him, my heart aching as I looked at him.

His eyes went to mine, searching. I held my arm out to him, my wrist next to his lips. He looked half terrified, but quickly took my arm and kissed my wrist gently.

He blushed and let me go just as quickly, looking down at what he was doing with a will. "It allows me to hear the baby's heart beating," he told me, clearing his throat. "Would you like to hear? It's very strong."

I smiled, sitting up slightly as he put the tubes in my ears. "Is that it? It's so fast! Is that normal?"

"Very normal," he smiled. "There are a few more things I need to do, sweet girl," he said gently. "Some will seem... invasive."

"I remember from watching you with Kristina," I told him, blushing.

He nodded and I had to turn and look at the wall as I blushed through his exam. Finally, he pulled my gown down and he looked stressed.

"Sweet girl," he began sadly. "It seems... very unlikely that you will ever be able to carry a baby to term. I will do my very best to get you far enough along that the baby can live outside the womb, but... you are so small and not built to carry a baby. It will be a very difficult birth."

I looked up at him sadly, then gave him a nod. "Very well, I will do all you ask. And I won't get out of bed, I promise."

"Oh, no! No no, you need to be up and around and moving your muscles and keeping them stretched. Exercise is good for you and the baby both. Make sure you eat well and take walks around the garden."

"But I can only drink goat's milk?" I asked him glumly.

"What?" he asked, confused.

"Julia said I can only have goat's milk, it's what the baby needs most.

"That's... ridiculous! Did she also say you must stay in bed?"

"Yes."

"Clara, listen to me. I want you to forget every single thing she told you, do you understand? Exercise every day, stretch your muscles and get your heartrate up a bit but not too much. You can do normal things, but no horseback riding or anything like that. I will give Henry a list of foods that I want integrated into your diet, foods rich in the vitamins that will help you most. Drink no wine or alcohol of any sort and drink a lot of water. Not just water, but make sure you stay well hydrated. Do all the things you would normally do, keep your life normal and above all, don't stress and worry about it. Keep yourself busy and distracted. If you stress, the baby knows it and the baby stresses too. Do you understand?"

I nodded, then smiled. "You're still the smartest man I've ever met," I told him.

He gave me a warm smile, his cheeks going pink.

"I miss you," I whispered, tears springing to my eyes.

"I miss you too, sweet girl," he told me, his voice cracking slightly. "Please tell me he isn't hurting you or being cruel?"

"He's being a perfect husband," I shrugged. "Sweet and gentle and loving, always seeing me happy. He isn't the same man at all anymore."

"That's good to hear," he breathed. "I'm glad you are happy."

I shook my head sadly. "He isn't you, Thaddeus. It's still you I wish I had been able to marry."

"You do?" he asked, his entire face lighting up. "That... you cannot know what that means to me," he told me, gripping my hand and kissing my fingers. "I will come back every week to check on you since you are such high risk and... I want to see you as often as possible. I've missed you so much and I've been so worried. I heard about you losing your babies and I was so worried and sorry for you, my heart broke for you!"

"Thank you," I whispered, trying not to cry.

"I will be back as soon as I can," he promised, standing and pulling Dodger off of his neck to sit down beside me. "For now I must speak to... your husband to tell him my instructions."

I felt so much better after he left and I was giddy about being able to get out of bed and eat normal food. Henry was overly solicitous, worried that walking wasn't good for me, but I promised him I felt so much better than I had just laying in bed with nothing to do but worry. He stayed next to me with every single step, holding my hand and a hand on my back.

By the time I was six months along, Thaddeus had me resting more, but around people. He wanted me sitting up and occupied. He had also kissed my lips, twice! We always held hands and whispered to each other and he stroked my face and my hair lovingly. My heart always ached when he left and I felt so angry at Henry. Thaddeus told me my emotions would run high, but it always seemed worse after he left and I was reminded that Henry stole me away from the man I loved. It didn't matter how good Henry was to me or how nice he was now. I knew part of him was still that monster who had grabbed Dodger and forced me to kiss him, then stole me away and forced me to marry him. The man that had threatened my baby sister.

By the time I was almost eight months along, I had to stay in bed and Thaddeus came every single day to check on me.

He was there when I went into labor and he was worried. I could see the stress on his face as he listened with his stethoscope. I knew. I knew even though he was acting like everything was fine and he was trying to talk me through the labor.

It was between contractions as I gripped his hand that I looked at him. "Why did it die? What did I do wrong?"

"No, my sweet girl, no! You did nothing wrong! Be ready to push again! I don't know that it's gone, Clara, it may not have been in position for me to hear the heartbeat is all. Ok, now push for me!"

The labor was longer than the others had been and I was exhausted and bloody, drenched in sweat as I cried.

Finally it happened and I knew from Thaddeus's face that the babe was gone. He swallowed hard and looked at me as he wrapped the baby. "Would you like to hold him for a moment?"

I nodded as I sobbed and hugged the small bundle to me.

Thaddeus stroked my hair back, then leaned in to kiss my head. "I need to finish up, sweet girl," he said gently, then moved back down.

I watched his face go thoughtful as he worked and he looked at me several times.

Finally, he spoke. "Clara? Do you wish to be away from here?"

"With you?" I asked softly, my voice choked up.

"Yes, with me," he answered, blushing.

"Yes! Yes, I wish it more than anything!"

"I have an idea, but it would mean you acting. Can you do that? I would have to tell them you died in childbed. Take you out of here and providing them another body to bury. There is a girl who just died of smallpox, she is just slightly larger than you."

"Henry would think I was dead?" I asked, the thought breaking my heart. He would be devastated.

"He would. They all would, everyone. I would move away, like you mentioned before. A smaller town with fewer people to help. You could... be my wife."

I sniffled, but then nodded quickly. I wanted away from here, away from my misery.

"Then I need you to close your eyes and stay very still, no matter what. Be limp and don't move! Breathe very shallowly if someone else is around, alright? You will have to be strong, even if someone is crying and you wish to comfort them."

"I understand," I whispered.

It was harder than I imagined to not move at all when Henry came in, sobbing and yelling, begging me to please wake up as he rocked me. I lay limply in his arms, my eyes closed.

"Lord DuPont," Thaddeus said gently. "Her body was never built for having children, I'm so sorry. She wanted so badly to have a child for you, but her body couldn't take it. I did hear your name on her lips before she was gone. Please, now, let me take her and prepare her and the babe for burial."

I cried for three days up in Thad and Theo's little house, letting Theo hug me and rock me as I mourned my baby. I was surprised that I was mourning Henry too, feeling awful for how heartbroken he had been. I felt like I was the monster now.

Thaddeus had been packing up everything as he made the arrangements for the funeral, not something he normally did, but he wanted to make sure it was all done with no one being the wiser.

When he came back the fourth day, he looked sad. "I'm so sorry, sweet girl, I asked if I could take care of Dodger, but Henry said he wanted to keep him. Take care of him. That you would have wanted him to have him and take care of him for you."

I nodded sadly. "It's for the best, he would have been remarked and news might have gotten back to Henry. When can we leave?"

"Tomorrow morning, I have arrangements to sell the store already and I have a place in Manitou already. A smaller store and separate from the house, but it will suit my needs."

I had thought sneaking me out and leaving would be harder than it was, but it was simple. No one stopped us or asked questions at all.

Manitou was a smaller town, much smaller than the city, but it still had everything that was needed. People were very nice it seemed and there were no nobles here. Thaddeus introduced me as his wife, Sarah, since it rhymed with Clara and would be easy for me to adapt to.

He was shy with me, especially at first when I was still so broken over losing another child. I stayed with Theo, sleeping in her trundle bed and I had nightmares. Most about Henry and how upset I knew he was. I never imagined I would feel so badly about breaking his heart that way, but I felt so guilty it hurt.

Thaddeus was patient and very gentle with me, never touching me unless I initiated it. I held his hand some evenings and began hugging him when he came home. It took a full month before he kissed me again and almost two before I stopped sleeping in Theo's bed and slept next to him. He never touched me in bed except to hold my hand or kiss my forehead before laying next to me.

I started cuddling into him, needing the comfort of his arms, but he seemed to know I wasn't healed in my heart yet and he never tried to do more than hold me.

Part of me missed that too, the way Henry could make me forget everything for a while with a few kisses and making love to me. My body ached for him as much as my heart hurt for him.

I was a horrible, selfish person.

Four months in, Thaddeus finally turned to me in our bed and leaned close, kissing my lips. I yanked him closer and we kissed and pressed against each other for over an hour before he finally pulled back and held me close to him to go to sleep.

My body was awake though, and wanting more.

He began kissing me every night, but never pressed for more and I was getting frustrated with it.

Didn't he want me?

Finally, I stopped waiting for him, reaching down to stroke his cock through his sleep gown.

"Clara!" he whispered hoarsely as I felt him starting to get hard.

"I want you!" I whispered pleadingly. "Don't you want me?"

"Of course I do!" he whispered, but he was trembling as his hand went to my ribs nervously.

I got up and pulled off my gown and underclothes before getting back in bed and pulling his off as well.

"Clara!" he called again, a strangled yelp as I bent low and wrapped my mouth around his half hard member.

Pulling me up and off of him quickly, he rolled and laid me on my back, leaning over me.

"No, sweet girl, you never have to do that for me!"

"I WANT to do that for you!" I breathed, not understanding him.

"You never need to act that way for me," he whispered. "I have waited to take you as a husband does a wife... are you sure you are ready?"

"Positive!" I told him, frustrated. "I want you!"

He nodded and moved over me, reaching down to pull my leg up.

I wasn't sure what I was expecting, but what happened wasn't really what I had in mind.

He clutched me to his chest as his slender cock pushed into me and I let out a sigh of bliss as he entered me. He half laid on me then, still crushing me against him as he pumped his hips shallowly a few times, then spent himself inside me. Rolling off of me, he pulled me against him to lay on his shoulder with a sigh of contentment.

I was stunned. That was... all? It was over? I'd hardly had time to even enjoy it a little and he hadn't even tried to help me enjoy it? I didn't understand. Maybe he was just getting that one out of the way because he was so excited and he knew he wouldn't last. He was taking a little rest before we moved on to the better parts.

When he started with his very light snoring, I knew that was all there was for him.

The weeks passed slowly and I felt more and more upset. I adored Thaddeus, but he was so... tame in the bedroom. His kiss thrilled me, but apart from that, he never did more. Even when I encouraged him to. He always said that I didn't have to act that way for him, he didn't like it. I took to taking care of my own needs of a day while he was gone. I tried to imagine it was him doing it, him with me and helping me, but all I could hear was him telling me he didn't want me to act that way.

It was Henry I imagined instead, his over the top passion and how he loved to play in the bedroom and make me scream for him and beg him for more. I missed how he made me feel so much!

After I did that, I always felt guilty. I knew he had been heartbroken after what I had done, thinking I was dead. I hoped every time that he moved on and he was happy, but I never stopped feeling guilty.

Thaddeus took me to his bed less than once a week and I began feeling like it was a chore when he did. There was no pleasure in it for me at all. I loved him, I adored him even, but I was starting to resent him too. I would still sit and listen to him talk for hours and be amazed by how much he knew, but when bedtime came, I dreaded it. When it became once every few weeks, I didn't complain. When it became one every couple of months, I said nothing at all. He didn't seem to enjoy it that much either, he was content to hold hands and smile and kiss my head. He wasn't passionate, he was gentle and kind.

I had adored that once, but Henry had opened my world to more and I missed it.

It was two very long years in Manitou and Theo and I had become very close. We did everything together of a day and our talks as we sewed together were the highlight of my day.

We walked to the store every day to bring Thad his lunch and it always made me smile to wave at people who had come to know us.

We stepped into the store that Autumn day and I stared, trying to understand what I was seeing.

Theo screamed and ran to Thaddeus on the floor as I stood there, staring at all of the blood. Thaddeus was clutching his stomach and breathing shallowly. The register was open and bottles were broken on the floor. I noted all of those small things as I refused to see what was happening.

Finally, the fog seemed to clear and I staggered to Thad's side, looking at the knife in his gut in horror.

"Don't pull it out!" Theo yelled as I went to do just that. "I need to get something to put pressure on the wound first! Stop the bleeding! And I have to pull it straight out so it won't do more damage!"

I looked at Thad, horrified as he looked at me, his breathing fast and shallow. "Love... you... sweet... girl."

"I love you too!" I cried, taking his face in my hands and combing his mussed hair back with my fingers. "You're going to be just fine! Who did this? Why would anyone do this? You would give anyone the shirt off your back, why would anyone rob you?" I wailed, not understanding it.

"Take... care... each... other," Thad panted, then his breath left him and he slumped.

"No! NO!" I screamed as Theo came running back with a stack of towels.

"Help me lay him back!" she cried. "He's going to be fine!" she wailed.

We buried him and half the town showed up to offer their condolences. I couldn't speak, I hardly heard anyone.

It was my fault. I didn't love him enough and it was payback for what I had done to Henry.

Theo and I seemed to lose our joy as we cleaned out the store and sold everything. We haunted the little house quietly for over a month, but neither of us wanted to stay there.

"I have a cousin in Jenova," Theo sighed one afternoon. "I think we should head that way, what do you think?"

I nodded. I wanted out of the little house that reminded me of him. It occurred to me then, that I needed to do something else as well.