Confession Before Marriage

I became a clerk at the Johnson & McCarthy Shipping Co., receiving bills of lading and providing shipping schedules to customers. It was strange to work with papers, sitting at a desk, instead of carrying wood and water. It was there in September 1851 that I met Charles Crocker when he requested the manifest from a recent ship arrival. I must say that I was instantly attracted to the man. He was tall, handsome and self-confident. His green eyes seized my attention and I struggled to find and retrieve the pages he wanted. When I passed them to him I could see that he fumbled with them and had difficulty saying 'Thank you'.

The following day he returned and walked directly to my desk in a fine, new business suit. He hesitated and then requested a copy of the next week's shipping schedule -- a common flyer, available to anyone in the lobby. I pulled a copy from the shelf and handed it to him with both hands, while I looked directly into those emerald eyes. He returned my gaze and took the form with both hands, just touching my fingers as he did. He smiled at me warmly and I suppose I did the same. We both understood what was happening.

Charles and I have courted now for about six months. He became more attractive to me as I learned of his generous nature and brilliance in business. He was affectionate and thoughtful when I related the story of our experiences in the South Pacific. I told him of my sisters and brother, but not the complete story. I arranged for us to meet them individually in restaurants and he seemed to like them. He took me to all forms of entertainment and I learned that his family was quite wealthy. I was very careful to conceal my entire family history from him. I always offered to meet him at the shipping company office so he wouldn't know where I lived. I knew that we were falling in love, but I couldn't reconcile that with the love in my family.

After spending each chaste evening with Charles, I would go home and commonly share a bed and intimacies with one of my siblings. Our love for each other and the closeness of our relationships had not been diminished by the change of worlds. I am torn by two great loves and cannot decide how to give up either of them.

So, I will now allow Charles to make the decision for me. He has proposed marriage, so I have written this history to explain the whole truth of my family to him. If he can see beyond common mores regarding incest, and accepts me, I will gladly marry him. I will live with him and maintain close, but non-sexual relationships with my family. I hope that Charles and I may have many children and share a long life together,

If he cannot accept my relationship with my family, I must release him without prejudice. He did not experience the jungle life and cannot be expected to understand the changes it brought. He is a wonderful man and I hope he will find another love who has lived only in this world.

In that sad case, I will return to the love of my family and we will thrive on our own little island here in the middle of civilization.

Mary Ann Deming